Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has ended it.

179 replies

VeganAsia · 14/04/2018 14:23

I have had to name change for this one.

After a week of disappearing, he has said that he no longer wants to be with me, because I don’t make him happy.

(There is a little bit of a back story) I will be honest I am hurt by him telling me this. He has also said that DS6 and I will have to move out of the house because he wants to sell it ASAP. He has told me to find an apartment and he will pay the rent for me.

I don’t have many people in real life that I would feel comfortable discussing this with, I guess it is because I am embarrassed.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 17/04/2018 20:10

you need to collect your Son asap... trust the advise of the women on here.. they know what they are talking about... combined they have experienced everything Flowers

Original poster
VeganAsia · 17/04/2018 20:12

Gemini69 I have no way of contacting him, ex has switched off his phone.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/04/2018 20:34

Don't bother engaging with him at all. I wouldn't be surprised if he has changed the locks.

Gemini69 · 17/04/2018 20:38

Sorry.. I meant physically collecting your Son tomorrow ... is a must ...unless he has told the school not to release him to you Flowers

Original poster
VeganAsia · 17/04/2018 20:47

Gemini69 No, I’m sorry I thought you said “contact” my mind is all over the place right now, I will collect my son early tomorrow!

I can’t believe he is doing this, my son is all I have.

OP posts:
Failingat40 · 17/04/2018 21:13

Sorry but I'd be round at the house right now making sure DS was actually there and is alright!

You're taking a massive risk in allowing this situation to happen before putting protective measures in place for yourself and your son first.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 17/04/2018 21:27

Failingat40 - Yes I know I took the risk by letting this happen, but I just want my son to be happy. I am not going to go to the house, I know DS is ok.

OP posts:
TheCrystalChandelier · 17/04/2018 21:31

Ok, before anything else you need to go and see a solicitor first thing tomorrow and find out where you go next with regard to access, maintenance etc.

As you are not married you have no rights to anything for yourself, however your DS is priority. Having said that however, you are both equally his parents, and while there is no contact order in place neither one of you has greater rights than the other. If you simply go and fetch him from school tomorrow there is nothing to stop him from doing the same the next day etc. In fact there is nothing stopping him from keeping him home tomorrow.

Is his name on the birth certificate? If so he is an equal parent, and without any kind of order the authorities will not intervene to get your DS back to you.

Refusal to allow you to speak to your DS during his contact time may go against him in court should it get that far, however it’s also possible that you may be required to go to mediation before it gets to the stage of going to court.

This is hard, but it’s clear now that he’s not going to be amicable, so the legal route is now the only route open to you. And while your DS is with him legally he doesn’t have to do anything for you.

Go and see a solicitor first thing tomorrow

Original poster
VeganAsia · 17/04/2018 21:45

Yes his name is on the birth certificate, DS also carries his surname.

OP posts:
Chippyway · 17/04/2018 21:57

Yes OP you are being naive. Let what’s recently happened be a wake up call

You cannot and should not trust him to pay your rent. You trusted this man not to hurt you the way he has. He won’t even let you speak to your own son fgs! Do you REALLY think he’s going to spend 4k a month for you to live somewhere? Nah.. he might do to begin with but it won’t last.

The man you knew is long gone.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 17/04/2018 22:01

Chippyway It is fine if he doesn’t, I’m not worried I can afford my own housing and to support my child, I wouldn’t have had a child if I couldn’t. I am it dependent on my ex.

I will get my son back tomorrow and access will be through the courts.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeganAsia · 18/04/2018 09:40

I have had a phone call from the school, they called to see if DS was ok because he isn’t in school today, so I had to explain the whole situation to them, now I am thinking what if they get social services involved??

I called EXs phone it is now on, but he wouldn’t answer. I texted asking why he didn’t take DS to school today, he texted back because they’re going out.

I can’t cope with this anymore. I don’t know why he thinks it’s ok to keep him off school today!

I am going to go to the house now, to get his passport.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2018 10:16

So sorry OP, you must feel very stressed.

Start keeping a diary of shit behaviour like this NOW. You can use it in court so show how unreasonable he is.

Screenshot all text messages and back them up somewhere. I can't imagine a judge will think random days off school is good parenting.

I think you mentioned you are seeing a solicitor today? Hope it goes well.

ilovekitkats · 18/04/2018 10:34

I agree, keep a record of everything. The school have followed their safeguarding procedure which is to call if the child doesn't come in and they don't have contact from the parents. They are now aware of the situation which will help. They will probably notify the LEA after 10 unauthorised absences (5 days), so they will take it seriously if he keeps missing school.

He won't be seen as a fit parent if he doesn't take the child to school. He can't just keep him home, so he is not doing himself any favours here if he is hoping to get custody.

Legal advice asap.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 18/04/2018 12:41

You need legal advice ASAP.

In the mean time appear calm, don’t panic. If your ex gets any hint of you panicking and ceasing contact he won’t bring your ds back.

Failingat40 · 18/04/2018 13:45

Offs Hmm

Original poster
VeganAsia · 18/04/2018 14:24

I have been to the house, and DS passport is not with our passports and I can’t remember moving his one, as they are all kept together.

I know I said I would seek legal advice today but I’m not going to, if I tell him that I am taking him through the courts he will take DS away from me, I know he will.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeganAsia · 18/04/2018 14:24

Failingat40 - now that’s not very helpful is it?

OP posts:
Failingat40 · 18/04/2018 14:47

@VeganAsia no, but apparently none of our advice is helpful is it? You've ignored it all.

It's frustrating when people post for help and advice then ignore it all . It makes me wonder if it's genuine at all.

TheCrystalChandelier · 18/04/2018 14:51

FFS OP wake up. Do you actually want to give him your DS? Because right now he has already taken him away from you.

He has exactly the same rights as you do. Chances are he is currently going through a solicitor and is going to tell you that access will be agreed only through the courts. As you’re both working neither of you is in a favourable position for residency, and your DS is currently with him in the family home.

So, he has your DS, he hassn’t taken him to school and it seems very clear that he has no intentions of bringing him back to you. Forget about social services and go and see a bloody solicitor.

I’m not usually one for blaming people when they don’t follow advice given but at the moment you are in the weaker position and legal is the only way to go. If you don’t go and see a solicitor he has the upper hand given that ds is actually already with him and he has no more obligation to give him back to you than you do.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 18/04/2018 15:01

@Failingat40 I haven’t ignored I am very grateful for all the advice given, but you don’t know how hard this is for me.

I am very weak person, I will have to see how things go tomorrow.

Please don’t be frustrated with me.

OP posts:
TheCrystalChandelier · 18/04/2018 15:09

What makes you think tomorrow is going to be any different? All this bollocks about how if you seek legal advice your ex will take ds away is the sort of excuse millions of absent fathers use for not pursuing contact with their children.

Right now your ex has the upper hand. he has DS, they are in the family. Home and you have moved out (rightly as it’s his house,) he’s refusing to let you speak to him. Right now he has the upper hand and chances are he’s already seen a solicitor and will be keeping ds and you’ll be the one paying maintenance.

People get frustrated because this is not a game. Time isn’t something you have, the longer you stall and give him the upper hand the more chance there is that he is already putting legal steps in place to become the resident parent.

If you’re refusing to see a solicitor I can’t help thinking that this is in fact how you want things to turn out. Do you? Because if you don’t you would already be seeking legal advice.

user1867895 · 18/04/2018 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
VeganAsia · 18/04/2018 18:46

user1867895 I said it all out of anger, I would never stop him from seeing DS, the last thing I want to do is upset my son.

I’ll just be hopeful that I’ll see my son tomorrow, we will have to sort out an agreement between us.

I know my son is fine, I’m just very over protective when it comes to him, and due to this I do feel he will be better off living with his dad but he is all I have.

OP posts:
user1867895 · 18/04/2018 20:41

OP, I may have jumped the gun slightly, apologies.

I was more outraged at some of the response's you were getting than your personal posts.

good luck with everything.