Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

Could you play for time by laying out some ground rules, eg. He must make all their communications - past and future - available to you so that you know exactly what has been done and said, payments stop until a DNA test has been performed, payments will not restart until the child's name has been changed (assuming it's his). Then if you decide after your daughter has done her exams that you can't forgive him (I certainly couldn't) you'll have had time to get a better picture of finances etc for divorce.

Just a hunch here, but is there any possibility that the ow and the child are living in this country now?

Wherever they are actually living, It really does sound likely that your husband is seeing the child regularly and has a relationship with him.

I also suspect that the relationship with the ow is still ongoing, judging by him feeding back to her everything you have said. Do not move out of your house until it's sold etc as I think there's a good chance that she'd move straight in and the'd have no incentive to facilitate the house sale.

I'd take £200 a month out of your joint account as your exclusive money, backdated to when he first started paying for the child. Put this money in an account out of his reach when dividing the assets up- maybe in the children's names?

I'd also insist that he gives you full access to the wattsapp and all their past communication with each other, on the basis that you don't trust that he is telling you the truth now.

he refused to get me Whatsapp access, but even if he will, he can also do it from another phone. Not sure i really want to read it though. Too upsetting.
he agreed to attend a family councelling, i just want somebody else listen to us both. Got the number of highly recommended (local middle class area) counsellor.
Also thinking about setting ground rules, for example i should know if he is filing the passport application.
I am sure they are not in the country now. He practically sits at home most of the times. He said he was taken by surprise as she thought she is infertile. But now he "fulfills his moral duty by supporting a child..." The deeper we are going to the forest, the thicker it becomes. Going in circles really. Without any clearing in sight.
He is actually afraid that she will request DNA test, as he is sure the child is his. So she can demand more money through court decision than £200.
I will co habit for now, but will make some changes in my life and hopefully can be in a better position.
He says he will admit adultery if I will decide to file for divorce.

I think if you cohabit he will brush it all under the carpet and you'll probably not divorce for a long time.

I honest think if you're thinking of splitting you should have a clean cut, not cohabit etc.

Can you look for flats to rent?

it sounds like he's already planning a future without you and one with her coming over.. it;'s almost like he's told you to force you into leaving and therefore nothing is his fault... you can imagine the conversations.. her demanding your family home.. as you no longer need it as your kids are much older and ready to leave home soon... whereas she needs it for her and little bubba.. whose you double and needs you .. and you must bring us to Britian.... yes your being led a merry dance.. especially as he is still protecting everything he discusses with her.. his loyalty is not with you OP... it's with this other woman he hasn't seen in 2 years AYE RIGHT...

sorry OP.. that turned into a ramble.. I'm so angry for you

Have you told him that if he doesn't want to lose his own son, he'd better tell her to change the boy's name?

I would say quite bluntly that your first request, if he doesn't want to get divorced, would be to do that. She changes the name.

So you forgive him or he allows you to divorce him?? Is that the deal??

I can"t possibly demand the name change. It was mother who named him.
Nothing is decided yet. Need to see a solicitor first.

Co habit like house mates, I mean.

You can and should demand a name change! It probably won't happen, but at least you can tell your poor son that you vehemently asked for it.
What a bastard thing for your husband to allow this to happen- he should have told her that it was totally unacceptable at the time the child was named, and could have threatened to withhold or reduce financial support in this exceptional circumstance! What was they both thinking!
I hope you're doing ok.

i think i am doing OK, just feeling extremely sad about the whole thing.
In my country it is not a custom to change a giving name. I will let it go.

The refusal to let you have WhatsApp access is gobsmacking.

It seems he has decided the marriage is over. He is not even trying here. Along with other posters here, I suspect the OW is in the UK and that the relationship is ongoing.

Use the family counseling to set ground rules for co-habiting until divorce is finalised. (I assume it is actually marriage counseling and will not involve your children, as they do not need to be involved at all in this.)

One of the ground rules should involve him swearing on all he considers holy that the OW and the child will never set foot in your house or in any property owned by you or by the two of you jointly.

Overall, though, I think he should move out. You can get a solicitor to draw up an interim support agreement in which you and your DCs get the lion's share of his income. He can live in a bedsit and visit the home and the DCs while divorce proceedings are initiated and as they lumber along.

You might be able to get an occupation order as a preemptive strike against occupation by the OW or the child.

cartwrightking.co.uk/areas-of-practice/family-law/occupation-orders/

Ask your solicitor.
I really think you need to ask around and find a good one asap.

I know I'm keeping on about this but I would at least try and get the name changed. He needs to know it is not acceptable and if he doesn't insist to her that it's done then he risks losing his older son, especially as he gets older and it sinks in his father gave his name away to someone else. I really think this could potentially cause him psychological damage.

It is out of your hands if eventually your DC and this little boy meet. You can't stop it. I don't see how you can and ultimately they are siblings. I would fight tooth and nail though for it not to happen until they are 18 though if they don't change that child's name. They're fucking nutcases to be honest. Who does that? What kind of flaccid dick is your 'D'H that he couldn't have prevented that?

that's what i am going to do now-research a good solicitor.
I will try my best to be sure my DC's and the child will never meet.
H says that he was not consulted about the name. It is a very popular and common name.
I don't consider the child as a sibling to mine. no paternity test so far.
H says that after he told thewoman about the stopping the payment she said she will manage herself but insists on British citizenship for a child.

A paternity test has to be done. However Outlook I don't see how if you split up you can prevent him introducing the kids. I hope it's not his. What an idiot he is. Wishing you the best. You deserve better than him.

Is your DH named as the father on the child's birth certificate? I don't see how he can claim a passport for him otherwise.

Schnitzel
he says it is not. but i did not see it so can't be sure. I looked into it and it is possible after DNA test.
Lizzie
I agree, he is an absolute idiot. He says he was mad and sort of under a spell. Then he is got disappointed in that woman (and she is in him) but she discovered she was pregnant. For her it was a good news as she was struggling to get pregnant with her ex.

I would not trust one word that comes from the mouth of your H, Outlook. Not about how the child came to be named, not about the response to the cutting off of payments, or the current location of OW and child, or who is insisting on British citizenship.

He's proved he's good at lying. Everything else could also be a complete lie. See what the solicitor says but I would insist on a DNA test.

Outlook12 a little off track but I work in the wider immigration area and had a feeling in the back of my mind that claiming British Citizenship through a biological unmarried father is not as simple as your husbands mistress believes, I have found it here. Has to be done on a case by case basis and will be long and drawn out application for registration to be accepted long before any passport can be issued . Not to mention incredibly expensive. Supreme Court does not come cheap.. it will at least give you some breathing space to decide what you want to do. (He can also refuse to provide DNA to 'assist' the application)

Prior to 01 July 2006, children born to a British father and non-British mother were unable to acquire British citizenship from their father if their parents were unmarried at the time of the child's birth (and did not subsequently marry before the child's 18th birthday in order to 'legitimise' the child). This aspect of the law was very much a relic of the past and inherently discriminatory on the basis that the same child would have been able to acquire British citizenship had its mother been the British citizen rather than its father, or had the child's parents been married. From 01 July 2006 the British Nationality Act 1981 was amended to correct this, but the amendment did not have retrospective effect. Provision was however made for children born before 01 July 2006 to apply for registration as British citizens (this can be done on Form UKF).

On 19 October 2016, the U.K. Supreme Court issued a very welcome ruling in the case of R (on the application of Johnson) (Appellant) v Secretary of State for the Home Department (Respondent) [2016] UKSC 56. Unfortunately the Court did not go so far as to say that all children in such a situation should now automatically be considered to be British citizens,

thanks, everyone, once again. It is really helping . Some posters were spot on before I realised some things.
Will update later.

Mathanxiety

yes, now I realised that. Can't trust him at all.

Snewname
yes, had a talk about paternity test to be done. Can it be done without visiting the country?

Kitten
it is not off track at all, it is very useful to know. It may be hard and expensive but can be done if he wants to do it. And he wants to do it. As he said, he suggested that possibility to her himself as he is "grateful to her for thw wonderful sex". So no garantee she is not coming here as he can invite her to stay on visitor's visa.

i asked him why after all that he leaves decision with me and asks for forgineness. He said he realised at the end she is "the same as me", and he wants to save the family. but then found out she is pregnant so she and child will be always in his life, more or less. if not for a child existence I probably would never found out.
All that after more than 4 years of lies.