Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

I thought that too.

That's a scary thought @Gemini69

Hopefully the age difference between the children will prevent anything like that from happening.

yeah.. I hope I'm likely way of the mark to ladies... probably am... it's just all so strange and calculating for my liking you know... desperate people can be driven to desperate things.....

i have hidden our passports, marrige certificate and birth certificates

Why did he tell you? It sounds like he wanted absolution and for you to make him feel better...

If as you say a British Passport is the thing to have in your birth country, it could be she knew your H had one and therefore any children he had would also be eligible. She turned his head, got pregnant and Bingo, access to a BP. Ok, this does not minimise what your H has done but it may mean a fully fledged affair was not what she wanted or they had.

I'm sure I read somewhere recently Zambrano carers are going to be stopped from getting benefits etc in this country Opinion here so she will have to support herself if she wants to live in this country unless you divorce H and she comes on a spouse visa.

Chin up, you hold the moral high ground here and must do what is right for you and your children. My heart really does go out to you.

he talks about his feelings a lot...how hard the whole situation is for him😳
well, turned out it was his initiative to offer the passport. She apparently had no idea but now wants it.

Contunues to say that he would prefer to keep the things as they are.

Very very difficult situation for you. You have my sympathy. The simple fact from here though is he he needs to give you all information, access to messages etc and be completely honest before you can do anything. Tell him that and then leave the ball in his court.

Laughable isn't it? It's all about him, stuff you and how this has devastated you and your little family. He has no right to offer her a passport, actually, he can't. Firstly, no-one is going to give the child a PP without a DNA test which she will have to pay for. Then if the child is his then she can claim on his behalf for it. That guarantees him the right to live here, it doesn't give her the same rights. As I mentioned, she would be a Zambrano carer (non EU member looking after a British Citizen) however, if my (rusty) memory serves me correctly, just having a BC child will not give her automatic entry into the UK.

Your H is a nasty piece of work who cares for no-one but himself. He has now told you about this affair/child and just expects you to put up with it. Your are worth so, so, so much more than that.

Your strength of character astounds me. If I had been in your shoes and been given such life shattering news, I would have grabbed him by whatever I could get hold of and slung him out the door.

I can't get over him going along with the child having your DS's name. The child is only 2. He needs to tell her to change it. They can start by calling him by a nickname then bit by bit changing it. Utterly weird. He could have stopped that happening by refusing her money if necessary (not that that makes him decent but to avoid this bizarre situation he had some leverage and could have used it then). And now you say he uses the same nickname I just don't know what is going on.

If he has fathered a child with someone else, and hidden it from you, that is completely shit behaviour and not something I could forgive. Sure, it would give me the upper hand and shift the power my way but that's not sustainable and helps no one in the end. Just makes a toxic house more toxic. So you can choose to punish him forever, (which he deserves I'm sure but you'll be exposing your children to the toxicity) or you can make a clean break and get on with your life.

I also don't see the passport as a big deal. If your husband has another child i don't see why that child shouldn't have the opportunity to have decent access to his father. Not the childs fault. I also don't understand punishing the child by demanding he doesn't receive any financial support from his father. Split your finances so YOU are not contributing because, obviously, you shouldn't be, but don't outright deny the child financial support.

If this child is, indeed, your husbands (and he should be insisting on a DNA test) than this is a sibling of your childrens. Discussing matters with them is not the right thing to do. Trying to influence them and get them 'on side' is damaging to all.

the OP has not stopped him paying for his child... she stopped him using their joint savings to support the Child as is correct.. He must use his own finances..

the UK passport is a smokescreen... the Mother wants access to the UK.. and is using the child to gain such access... I think this will be very difficult.. but without knowing the country of origin.. who knows...

OP you must do what is right for you and your children.. because your Husband will be focused on not just yours but his other child too... think carefully and act wisely in the process.... if you need to play the long game.. to achieve your aim.... do it

p.s. only a fool would not insist in a DNA test...

I think he is lying about the affair being over. I think what he has told you is all 'plausible lies', actually.

My guess is he told you at this point in time because the OW is very much an ongoing thing and was threatening to arrive with child in tow on your doorstep. Not because the guilt of it all was tearing him apart, poor diddums.

Maybe she is pregnant with Child Number 2?

The knowledge that your DS has a half brother with his name is going to hurt DS like an ice pick to the heart.
I agree 100% with lizzie1970 that it has to be changed.

I would bet a lot of money that your H didn't tell the OW about you until very recently, or maybe she found out about you by accident.

I confronted him on his payments, and demanded that he will stop them Somewhere else, wanting "proof the payments have stopped" is mentioned. So yeah, the OP HAS told him to stop paying. If he is the main breadwinner, and it's not a huge amount anyway, it's purely a malicious act. He's stupid for not insisting on a DNA test, of course.

the UK passport is a smokescreen... the Mother wants access to the UK.. and is using the child to gain such access Probably. And really, is she going to get it? Doubtful. Still don't see it as a big deal if the child ends up with greater support (beyond financial) from his father.

I know this is horrendous for you. I feel for you and your children, believe me. But please don't ask him to stop sending financial support to his child.

WellAndTrulyCurbed While under no circumstances whatsoever should the child suffer, can we remember this is a support thread? Can you imagine money being taken from your family for the results of your husbands infidelity or even worse have to face the fact one day you may have to face the woman who your husband cheated on you with?

Yes, the child needs to be looked after by his father (if the OP's husband is indeed that). However, I think considering the OP has very recently found out this news she is hardly likely to be disposed to see her own children suffer for her husbands actions.

Is dd taking her gcses this June?
If not, see a, solicitor and get out asap. Insist on a DNA test. Be careful he doesn't use your children's dna to forge a positive match. It's fishy. I wouldn't trust him with a barge pole.

Can you imagine money being taken from your family for the results of your husbands infidelity or even worse have to face the fact one day you may have to face the woman who your husband cheated on you with?

Sadly, I can. Some of it. I'm not with my husband anymore but still see the child occasionally as she is my children's sister. So not easy. I have nothing but best wishes for the OP but, as devastating as it is (and will continue to be for a long time) it needs to be said that you cannot, and should not, punish the child, or children in any way.
I see confiding in, enlisting support from or subtly influencing the children in any way as part of that punishing.

I did not act perfectly in my own situation, no one can. But I DO know the effect it can have on all children if priorities and point scoring shifts focus from them. All children will figure out what's what all by themselves. Honestly, OPs husband sounds like a pig and the children are smart enough to work that out all by themselves. The OP need not do anything for her children to understand in their own time just what their father put her through

Today he had a nerve to ask "Did you forgive me?"😳

Can you get him to move out for a while, so that you can process what’s happened? The “Did you forgive me?” Suggests he’s not really grasping the impact on you at all.

“Did you forgive me?”

He’s just insane.

I hope you’re doing ok OP. This must feel like a surreal, horrible dream.

it is feels like it. Surreal.

If he moves out, it is more family money out of the window.

Need to keep things as it is now for DC's sake.

I agree, he is not grasping the huge aftermath effect.

Personally I would play along get all my ducks in a row and hen when the time is right hit him with a divorce but surprise him win it.

Is there no one he can stay with just for a week to give you some space to process?

It isn't doing the DCs any favours to live in this atmosphere at the moment.

He just does not care about you
And is an affair really out of character seeing your DD does not have a close relationship with him as he alienated her by constantly making deregatory comments about women? I think she has the measure of him.

So the ending of the affair coincided with him finishing working away?

I think you have to brace yourself that with more truths coming out you will start realising that you don't really know your h.

Look after yourself.