Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

He is taking the money from our savings. All the more reason to divorce and separate your finances. He can take the money for her child from his share.

Joint savings?

Then move them all to an account in your name only and tell him to

a. fucking take you to court if he wants to argue for access and

b. to get a DNA test

I think it would be more than fair to ask for a DNA test before any more of your family money is sent there.

OW needs to be told that you now know and all circumstances have changed.

Maybe write a list of the questions you need answering from him or her, to help you get it out of your system and see things a bit clearer.

You are entitled to answers.

This doesn’t ring true - the dh’s account that is.

So from what the DH has said, four years ago he started an affair with a woman in his home country which went on for two years despite the fact she was herself in a stable relationship. As a result of the affair the woman had a child. Because of the child the man considered divorcing his wife (the OP ) back here in the UK and marrying the OW, but thought better of it and instead came back to the UK and picked up his marriage where he’d left off. Except the child was born and although he never actually met the child, he maintained contact with his mother and blindly paid her money for him every month. He is still in contact with the mother and it apppears that they are still romantically involved and he has promised to get a passport for the child which they then believe will allow the mother into the country. It appears that marriage for them is not an option here as he is hoping to stay with the OP.

I think it’s all a cover story and that, assuming there is a child, it isn’t his. But he is claiming it as his because he wants to help the mother to commit imigration fraud.

If he claims that the child is his from an affair he had a couple of years ago, with proof of payments sent to the mother as evidence of his parentage, then the home office will accept his name on the passport application and the child will be allowed into the UK, and obviously he and the child’s mother have believed up until now that that would give her a free pass in as well as the child’s mother.

But before he submitted the application etc he needed to sell the story to the OP so that she was on board with the idea that her husband had had a child with someone else and that that child would now be coming to live in the UK.

He may or may not have had an affair with the woman, for the lying and deception alone I would leave him, but not a chance in hell would I divorce him and give him the opportunity to marry someone else to bring into the country. I’d make the bastard wait five years, and yes, on this occasion I would have payments to a woman who I didn’t even know if the child was my husband’s stopped.

But I don’t believe for a second that this man had an affair four years ago which resulted in a child which he is blindly paying for and has never seen despite being in regular contact with the mother. There’s more to this, and I don’t believe it’s legal.

If the child is 18 months and he hasn't seen her for two years, how does he even know she was really pregnant? Why did he stop seeing her then?

So he's no proof she was pregnant, that there is a child at all and/or that it's his?

It's a sodding mess - but it's not your mess. See a solicitor, get your assets ring fenced (because he's a daft idiot and has given overy your savings already on a whim) and dump his stupid arse.

So, the OW was in a long-term relationship (and maybe still is) while also having sex with your husband. He's never met her son but she has sent pictures of a child that he thinks looks like him and you don't. On this basis he is paying maintenance (would it be a substantial amount in your home country?) and has promised to try to get the child a British passport that she appears to think will entitle her to claim residency here. And all with no DNA test. I would not discount the possibility he's being taken for a ride, and serves him right if so.

Spot on

Totally agree with the other posters.

I'd be Makimg plans to separate and have a new life but he needs to check out the other side.

You need to get legal advice ASAP! And get proof of as much as possible

Thanks, everyone, for more comments.

He is definetely had an affair. I think the passport idea came second.
Can't really get his WhatsApp, just caught a glimpse yesterday when he was showing th photo. The more I think about it, the more stupid he seems. His behaviour is completely out of character. I also wonder how he can believe that woman, as he seen her 2 years ago.

Another upsetting thing I glimpsed yesterday was that he used the nickname he uses for DS for this little boy. I am going to confront him tonight and every day until I will have a clearer picture what's going on. I don't really have any proof except his words but I guess the stuff ilike photos is saved somewhere on the phone/ computer.

Why would he be so interested in this little boy, to the extent of using a fond nickname, if he hadn't met him or been more actively involved than blindky paying out each month. I'm inclined to think they have been together far more recently than 2 years ago and has met the lo. If the child is his the relationship with ow will never be over.

Like others, I wouldn't be happy about family money being spent on this child.

I'd want savings divided now plus extra to myself to balance what he has already paid out, at the moment it's Outlook supporting the child.

I'd push for a DNA test too. You haven't heard the whole truth here Outlook only the tip of the iceberg, what he thinks he can get away with telling you. Be prepared to find out much more about this liar.

He's behaved appallingly from beginning to end .... to his Family ..

I'd ask to see the Whatsapp communications on the grounds of full disclosure .. is He says no... he's still lying and keeping secrets.. you should see all the communications between them.. you are after all Paying for this Child... from your joint savings....

AS for the name being the same as your child's .. this is disgusting and an insult to your Family ... and as for Him using the exact same nickname .. I'd never forgive this.. ever .. He must need his head examined to think this was even remotely normal and okay ... Your DS will be devastated... completely devastated....

I'm so sorry OP .. how you are holding it together is only a credit to your strength

Your going to antagonise yourself by confronting him every day and the house will become toxic. You have the picture and you know what needs to be done. You need heal yourself and get yourself away from him xxx

He is using the same nickname!? What a cruel bastard!

He is far too involved for not having seen them in over 2 years. Did you say he works away on a regular basis?

A situation for you to consider. My sister in laws and her ex were from overseas, both came here in similar circumstances to yours and naturalised . He had affair (but no baby) in Home country and divorced his wife. (3 kids). Solid middle class life, 'good responsible father ' to the outside world. Sister in law divorced him. He promised to pay the mortgage and hearty child maintenance based on his good salary. All agreed in a consent order.
6 months after the divorce he moved back home to be with mistress. Sister in law cannot enforce maintenance as country does not have reciprocal agreement, she couldn't pay the mortgage. House had to be sold. Huge arrears by this point as she was not high earner and mortgage £300k.
Ended up in grotty 3 bed flat on housing benefit and tax credits.

I would take option 2 whilst kids still at school. Improve my earning potential and give House a while to gain some equity before sale. If there is any chance of this type of behaviour happening.
Sister in laws ex was able to secure excellence well paid job in home company based on training and experience in UK.

OW wants him to divorce. I wouldn't play into her hands. Live together if you can. Until the kids are done with school.

Op.. what caused him to come out with this now after so long? There must be a reason.

Has he said what he wants to do? (Not that it is his decision).

Lastly, if he won't be straight is it worth suggesting counselling together so at least someone else can convince him you are in need of information to move forward in any way?

Talked to DD yesterday, but only about cheating. did not mention the child. DD is firmly behind me

Can you be very very careful and discreet about what you tell your DD please?

My mother sed me as her shoulder to cry on when my father had an affair (it was not his first, but it was the first I knew about). I was 16 and she started to give me details of their sex life. She did remember after a bit of inappropriate information that it was inappropriate, but probably because of my reaction. She was not very grown up about it.

It affected our relationship - it's only now, about 40 years later, as she slips into dementia - that I can truly forgive her and let it go. OTOH, I have minimal contract with my father.

Parents reap what they sow with children. Please don't confide in your daughter.

Your husband needs to leave for a time - at least a week. And only visit at times that you deem convenient, or when you need childcare - you'll be starting to job-hunt for a full time job, and he'll have to pick up the house & childcare. You should not eave the house, nor your own bedroom. Make him start to understand what he has lost.

And I agree with others about sorting out a way that it's only HIS money - not family money - which goes towards this other child. If it is his ...

I suggested upthread that he be required to cutback on his personal expenditure or work longer hours/take a 2nd job. £200 pm is £10 per working day: he's going to have to give up eating out, or walk everywhere to save train fares/petrol, or getting takeaway lunch or coffee. Or give up any hobbies he has.

Let HIM suffer the consequences of his behaviour, not you and your two children.

Well, if he's trying for a quickie divorce I'd make sure it doesn't happen. And yy, no more family money for this kid that might not even be his. He's a liar and you'll never ever get the full truth out of him. As for telling your nearly adult child the truth, I see nothing wrong with it. Never understood that 'take teh high road' and 'head held high' shit to cover for a lying twat. I'd have wanted to know if my father was a lying twat at that age (he wasn't thankfully).

I agree mostly with what previous posters have said.

Only thing I don't agree with is dragging out the divorce process. I get that it will make it miserable for him and harder for OW to get what she wants, etc. but it will also prevent you from moving on and enjoying your life. I think it's important to make as clean of a cut you can. Get all your legal stuff in order. The quicker you can get away from this drama the quicker you can move on with your new life.

thanks, ladies
will do update when DS goes to bed.

Seriously,take any emotion out of it.see a solicitor, protect you and your kids. First step 💐

Lizs
i don't get it either, seems really bizarre. Probably shows he is loosing his marbles.

Ada Coleman- i think i will find a lot unpatable stuff, already found some, don"t even want to talk aboit it

Gemini- i cannot get to Whatsapp, unfortunately. I feel really disgusted at the name situ and sort of feel surreal-like it is happening somewhere else, in the horror movie.

Living-this is what happening now.

ToffeeUp-not anymore, about 2 years now. works from home 3 times a week.
Kitten-both 2 options are bad for me, i agree, that can easily happen. At the very end it will come down to finances-or lack of it. If I have money, I will be out in a flash. End of school is a long way away for DS.
Name with change-i have asked that, he said he carried this burden inside him for so long that he needs to pour it out.
The raging Girl-i know what you mean, but it was different. Really lighthearted piece of info. DD does not have a close relationship with H, he alienated her by constantly making deregatory comments about women.

Expatin Scotland-yes, i thought exactly the same.

brownEyed- I don't feel any love or sympathy for him, just dusgust, so yes, would to part our ways quicker. But it is not me involved...

Basically he asks for full forgiveness and "let's try to be back to normal". He is not getting basic things, I am afraid. Divorce will be my initiative, not his.

ok that name thing is really bothering me OP... this is really strange behaviour...

bear with my weird train of thought here.. but.. could she get a copy of Your Sons birth certificate.. same name.. same dad.. you see where I'm going... as a means of getting a passport whatever...

or am I just being irrational tell me if I'm being CRAZY