Received devastating news out of the blue, sorry, long

[Outlook12]

Hello, NC here, but I am a regular. Looking for support today, as really don't know what to do.

Little backstory: Dh and I are married for 20 years, met at uni in another country. Moved in Uk some time ago, 2 kids - DD16, DS10.

Our marriage is OK, some ups and downs. Not much passion after so many years but good solid friendship, with regular sex. Must say that I am not the one who usually initiates sex. I really can go without it.

About 4 years ago DH's lost both his parents in one year. He did a lot of trips to our native country during this period of time. After that he became depressed, feeling that he let his parents down for not being in the country at the time they died. So he was in really vulnerable state, I have send him to GP to get antidesressants, which seemed to help.

However, two days ago, after getting several drinks, he blurted out that he has a child from another woman who lives in our native country. I cut him short, really did not believe him, and said that we will talk in the morning. I was in shock and had a very bad night.

In the morning he confirmed it, saying that he was very vulnerable 4 years ago and met a woman. Their affair developed further and they met up several times in the third country, where DH spent some time working (Mondays -Fridays). He said he did not expected her to get pregnant but she did. She has a baby boy of 18 months, who, by my DH's words, looks a spitting copy of him. He said that he was hiding it from me for so long that he could not hide it anymore.

I am in shock, we are a very nice family to the outside world.

DH saying that he regrets about it and asked for forgiveness. He is still in touch with that woman, supports the baby with £200 every month and receives regular updates/photos/ videos.

I suspect that he was used as a sperm donor, as the woman was in her late thirties and did not have any children. He agrees, but saying that the whole situation is not baby's fault and he feels like supporting him. He has never seen him in real life so far.

DH does not want a divorce, he prefers everything like it is now, only with my knowing of the situation.

I think I have just 2 options:

1. start a divorce-I feel like that, but it is going to be complicated and just a wrong time now-GCSEs are approaching fast for DD, DS is preparing for 11+, don't want to stress them out. Also DH is a main breadwinner, I work part time, earning about £700 each month. so can just put the food and essentians on the table. We bought a new house 2 years ago, morgage is quite big.

1. continue to co habit with Dh and see what will happen. Do not want to have sex with him anymore.

So that's it. Never in my life I would have imagined that situation for myself, though read a lot of fiction around it.

At complete loss and shock. Trying to put things into the prospective. My main concerns are well being of my DC's.

What a cruel bastard, a passport as thanks for wonderful sex, in the end he realised she was the same as you. Words fail me, you must be hurting so much.

He's a self absorbed selfish Creep .. who cares for nothing but his own agenda

i asked him why after all that he leaves decision with me and asks for forgineness. He said he realised at the end she is "the same as me", and he wants to save the family

Huh! You know what? He wants YOU to carry the can for any decisions. He is spineless, and amoral. If you make decisions about the future of your marriage, he can tell everyone, "Oh it wasn't me, it was @Outlook12 who decided. I made a mistake, but she decided to divorce me.

I still think you should require him to leave the family home for a week or so, so he can truly experience what he has lost.

Hope you're as OK as you can be in the circumstances

thanks, I am Ok, looking after DC's and myself. If you see me, you'll never guess i am carrying this burden inside me. Sleep is not good, may be just 4 hours or so. Disturbing dreams.

Have you looked into a solicitor yet

i am researching

So sorry for what you are going through. Two things apart from the obvious would bother me greatly.
Firstly, is the forgiveness linked to his faith? When I was covered in bruises my ex was desperate for my forgiveness. He was visibly scared that I may not. Later I realised his apology was not sincere and true to me, it was for his god. I’m sorry if I’m wrong about that in your case.

He’s also already alienated your dd through derogatory comments about women? He didn’t sound like a star parent op

Money, i don't know what you mean? His religion? He is not practicing Christian.
he says comments like that: "because you a woman", "listen to a woman and do the exact opposite" etc. I always challenged these stupid comments, as I am not passive or submissive. Family life was normal, or so I thought. Until now.

Horrible comments like that, made so frequently that it apparently alienated your DD, means your family life was not normal at all.

He clearly expects to walk all over you and get away with it.
I doubt he has told you the truth.

I agree with Kitten. Have also done immigration work, some overseas. In a case like this, we would have requested a DNA test, to be paid for by the child’s parent.

In my experience, the mother was often “surprised” that the Brit was not the parent. Us, less so.

Mathanxiety
what I mean "normal" was just ordinary family life- school runs, work, holidays etc. No violence. No shouting or bigger agruments. I mean it was OK, comfortable enough.
Of course it was not normal, as it turned out, but on a much bigger scale. Comments like that will cause bickering, of course. It does shows he disrespects women. I always thought that he is no bettter or worse than an ordinary man. I was mistaken.
But is there anyone who will divorce just because of such comments?

Mrs Schafen

how does it work? can it be done in the different countries at the same time frame?
He is sure that the child is his, date of his birth corresponds with the date of the their meeting in the third country.
I am not against the test, it does not matter now. Even if the child is not his it will not improve the situation. i am choosing option 1 but it will probably means impoverishing DC's. So need to proceed carefully.

He started this affair 4 years ago and have an 18 month old baby

How come it took 2 years for her to get her sperm donation? Sorry but that’s lies he wasn’t a ONS

Why has he suddenly confessed now? 4 years down the line?

Ivy, that's what iam asking myself. Why now?

it is started 4 yeas ago but "ended" in February 2016. Child was born in November. According to him, it was the last time he has seen her.
I know when it started now because she is the estate agent who was selling our flat. It was roughly 4 years ago.

Outlook - this was quite some time ago, so the rules may well have changed, but the samples were taken in clinical conditions under the supervision of someone from the consulate, who then packaged the samples securely and sent them back to a lab in U.K. for testing. Having taken payment first.

I don’t know if it can be done in different countries. I don’t see why not.

Op, were you Middle East based.

I have my reasons for asking.

I also have experience of your situation.

I left my then marriage of 36 years. It wasn’t my circus.

No, Teisan, it is not.
I rather not tell.
If this bomb did not land on me I will never thought about divorce . as I said my marriage seemed good enough and solid. Thinking about it, there were alarm bells which I dismissed. I thought I knew my partner of 20 years, but I was mistaken. Just don’t want a huge impact on DC’s.

Sorry OP, I wasn’t asking where you are. Just if you’re ME based.

Your DC’s life will never be the same again no matter how much you’d like to think the children will never know about each other. It’s a secret you cannot keep. The best future for you and the DC is one where you live a life that you’re in charge of. The one where you feel good because you make good decisions and other people don’t drag you down to their level through default.

You need to rise above this situation and remember to never wrestle with a pig because if you do you’ll both get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.

Oh and it’s always good to remember it’s never the child’s fault and like your DC they should be always be thought of with kindness.

thanks for the wisdom, TeisanLap, i like “never wrestle with the pig”.

Op, it can be very easy to blind yourself as to who deserves your wrath and you you shouldn’t be wrestling with either your husband or the other woman. Let them get on with it all and make a new life for yourself that doesn’t involve a circus.

The wee one is never going to go away and one of the things I’m proudest of in my life is that my grown up children all know their sibling will always be welcome in my home and my life as their sibling from another mother.

That’s the best I could do for them along with running away from the circus and helping us all over a nightmare.

I think he later reconsidered because she didn’t want him.

I think that too, LemonysSnicket.

A man who looks down his nose at women to the extent that he alienates his own daughter is not 'no better or worse than an ordinary man'. This is psychological abuse of all the other members of the household.

Who hired the estate agent?

I agree with Lemony - and I don't think you are going to get the truth out of your H, so the best you can go for is securing your future and your DCs'.

The DCs are already living in very adverse circumstances, given what you have mentioned about his attitude to women. The impact of not having to put up with that sort of crap any more may well be positive.