Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

[Peaceinthevalley]

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

I doubt she has agreed to a sham marriage while he continues using hook up sites and meeting women for casual sex.

More likely he has told her you meant nothing, it was the only time he'd ever strayed, that he will do anything to rebuild trust and repair the marriage.

For whatever reasons - their shared history, love, dc together, financial vulnerability - she has agreed to forgive him.

It is a great shame he continues to betray her faith and trust, and I'm sad thinking about the day when she inevitably finds out that he's still cheating. Personally, I would send her evidence that he's still on those sites and see it as a great favour but I know that's an unpopular opinion on mn.

The other issues I am having as a result of this mess he left me in Is how do I trust anyone I meet? Any man that sends me a message, no matter how nice he seems or how good looking is a liar to me.... my immediate thought is that he's prob married and I'll get another call from the wife that will wreck my world again..
I can't trust anyone after this and I second guess evetything.
I also compare every man that sends me a message or I meet and chat to to this other person.... as in he's not as good looking as X or he doesn't have the great sense of humour etc etc. I find myself dismissing them before I have even given them a chance.

A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this
Nice piece of victim blaming there. You also seem to be implying the situation is worse for you because he's shattered your heart (after 3/4 months!?) yet they get back to normal? You don't know the circumstances. I doubt he's getting away with it completely.
Sounds like you want him to face some consequences of cheating with you. You could always send the wife info you have re him continuing to date other ppl. At least she can make an informed decision on her future then. Any consequences of that are on his head.
Finally, why are you wondering why his wife has let him back? It's nothing to you. And you must have read plenty of reasons on similar threads? You don't need to understand it. I mean this in the nicest possible way, move on.

If he had left his wife for you, would you have continued the relationship ?

Rainy April
I have thought long and hard about doing that.... one of the hook ups with another woman was early Feb just before Valentine's day and I keep a nosey eye on a certain social media website of which she is a member....and on Valentine's day she posted photos of card and flowers/chocs/wine/bracelet off her husband so part of me thinks she doesn't know.
The only thing that has prevented me from sending her the evidence is the hurt that i would be part of all over again. I don't think that I could do that to her.

Peace! I will never understand why any person cheats, or is the OM/OW..
But what I don't understand more is why anyone stays. Your relationship from that day is gone. It was before you just didn't know it.
As for her, she rang you wanting to know the ins/outs which means she wants to know. Can you not send the evidence of him straying again?
I'm of the opinion that everyone being cheated on deserves to know. They don't deserve to live a lie.
What Anyfucker said though..
Would you have stayed?

Peace if you don't she will hurt more staying with him.

Sak i didn't know that he was married. I am not for one minute suggesting that I was hurt more or less than her....how do you measure hurt anyway? He lied to us both. I was the victim too.

As that question is hypothetical it's a very difficult one to answer. I didn't have years with him, a history, kids etc so I think that the answer would be no because I'd never trust that he wouldn't do the same to me.

Stay out of it. She won't believe anything you say to her, and he will play it like you are a vengeful crazy lady trying to ruin his life.

Yes he is a horrible man who behaves cruelly and carelessly with other people's feelings and he doesn't deserve to be happy. But you can't do anything about that. He won't get away with it forever and he will have to live with the consequences at some point. And it might not be until he is a lonely old man.

You can only control your own reaction. There are nice single men out there. Don't give this knob any more space in your life at all. As well as OLD have a look at some other hobbies that you will enjoy. Hang out with friends. Keep busy and ignore him, his family and his nonsense. You are well out of it.

Well you could send her a heartfelt thank you for letting you know when you were oblivious to the fact that he was married and also still on so many dating sites....and leave her to work it out.

It's very different when you have been together for years and have children together. It's not always easy to walk away plus there are practical ramifications e.g. sharing custody, untangling joint finances, which are at best a hassle and at worst incredibly upsetting (you can read on here how much parents miss their children when they are with the other parent).

If he has painted you as a mistake/meant nothing to him and he's not been caught before or since then I can completely see why she would give him another chance. The fact he doesn't deserve it is largely irrelevant; for her, keeping her family together is going to be the priority and divorcing would probably feel like a punishment to her when she has done nothing wrong.

I'm sorry you were taken in by him and are left feeling heartbroken but don't waste time thinking about what he and his wife are doing and why. At the end of the day, you didn't date for that long and he is clearly a cheating shit so you had a lucky escape really. Maybe take some time to get over it, don't jump straight into anything else if you feel you can't trust other people yet and hopefully you will soon realise you are far better off without him.

After 3/4 months you had something "electric", he made you feel "fantastic", you had something "extremely special", you had "fallen madly", you are still stalking his social media and that of his wife,

You'd have taken him on if he had dumped his wife alright.

Any fucker you don't know me, my life or anything else about the situation so don't judge, critise and assume that you know, you don't.

Did you actually meet this man in person?

If you spoke to him on sm how did you not know he was married, wasn't there anything about his wife on there?
I'm struggling to see how you now know that he is still dating or hooking up with other women since he and his wife have tried again, I really can't see how you would know this for sure so no I wouldn't tell his wife.
It's seems a shame that you can now find out so much about what he is doing via sm but that the same sm didn't alert you to him.being married.
You also say that you continued contact with him and then argued with him after his wife found out, did you hope he would leave his marriage for you? I think it's quite clear you did and that's probably why you are so angry and describe his wife as being upset but yourself as being devastated.
You knew him a couple of months, chalk it up to experience, stop stalking his sm or other online activity and move on.
This man proves that anyone can be anything online. So try not to put too much weight on the things people say. Take your time falling for someone and getting to know them, especially if you meet online.

As for the evidence should I want to use it. Ive taken screenshots of the dating website profiles along with photos and dates and a recommendation following a couple of dates with the female he met early Feb so I have more than enough solid evidence if I wanted to send it to her.

A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in,

Yes, you're the one who's been really hard done by, here. 🤣

Did you physically meet this man OP?

Are you hoping if you send his wife all this evidence you've collected they'll break up and he'll come back to you? Because he won't. Delete all this evidence you have gathered, block him and move on with your life.

You got played by a player. Learn from it and move on.

“He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.”

Well here’s clue 1. He is married and always was. He lied about the separation. I’m guessing he must’ve told you an elaborate tale about why he’s still living with his wife in the family home?

For your own sanity, don’t date men who are still living with their exes.

By social media I mean chat/instant messenger etc type social media. We met on many occasions. We went on dates, out for drinks and to restaurants etc. I didn't see him that often due to what he said was work commitments and seeing his children (they are young and he said that he wasn't ready to introduce anyone new to them yet)
Yes I was naive, I had no reason to disbelieve what he told me wasn't the truth. I know now that I should have asked more questions but there were really no 'signs' as far as I could see that he was lying.
He took me to 'his' home....or what I thought was his home where we stayed the night. In hindsight it obviously wasn't his house, but the home of someone else that he borrowed?

Reported.

If they’ve got kids then that’s probably why she’s given him another chance. It’s one thing to walk away when it’s just you but if you’ve got kids there are other people to consider and what’s best for them. They have a whole life together and she probably thought they’d be together forever. It’s not that easy to walk away just like that, even if he has cheated. He’s probably been full of remorse, promised it was a mistake and he’ll never do it again and she has decided to give him a chance. I’d be surprised if she knows about his recent shenanigans.

I’m sure everything isn’t roses though. If you’ve read threads about betrayed parties then you would have seen how hard it is even months or years down the line. She probably feels awful about it all but loves her family and wants to try and make it work. It’s not a competition but being betrayed by your husband and partner of more than a decade is far worse than being betrayed by someone you’ve only known a few months.

It’s crazy to blame her for his behaviour - that’s all on him. He sounds like a player and just out for a bit of extra marital fun with no regard to who gets hurt in the process. You’re best shot of him. With regards to the future, run a mile from anyone who doesn’t seem to want to invite you to their home and/ or says they’re in the process of separating/ divorcing.