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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

253 replies

Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 06:21

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 15/04/2018 12:15

How has she not handled it with “class”
That’s such a bollocks saying anyway.

She hasn’t contacted them, she hasn’t spoke to either of them. She’s looked him up online. She isn’t fucking standing outside his house staring menacingly. She’s just come on a forum to vent her anger, I would say that’s the safest thing to do in these circumstances

There is so much projection on here from cheated on wives it’s out of control.

And yes, not everyone is angry at everyone. But some people are, and that’s ok as long as it doesn’t ruin their life.

Masterbuilders · 15/04/2018 12:24

Oh PS I’m not a cheated on wife. I’d appreciate if aggressive posters didn’t make such presumptions thank you.

Newerversion · 15/04/2018 12:30

Well, to be fair the op has even phrased her thread title as a question about his wife, not about herself and what she should do. I am not surprised it has attracted posters who have experience of infidelity by their husbands. I don’t think they are projecting at all- just reacting to a rather inflammatory question in the title.

LogsByTheFireside · 15/04/2018 12:31

And yes, not everyone is angry at everyone. But some people are, and that’s ok as long as it doesn’t ruin their life.

Well it's not very helpful is it?

As the OP is experiencing here...

sameoldsame · 15/04/2018 12:31

@Masterbuilders
I was making a general observation of the whole thread! I wasn’t picking on anyone

You say the OP is getting wound up, I think perhaps you are now!

Masterbuilders · 15/04/2018 12:48

I’m not sameold. It would seem you’re just out for a reaction from wives who may have been hurt. Sorry to disappoint. I’m not the one who’s all shout and sweary. Just clarifying a fact. I’m able to give my opinion on the thread and say it doesn’t sound healthy. With out shouty sweary people suggesting I’m a cheated on wife or calling me a troll. It’s not difficult.

The whole thread is quit inflammatory as are a lot of posts on it. Including yours. I’m not sure what op wants to achieve. Yeah she’s angry I’ve already said that. However it’s not healthy behaviour and if she does feed on some of the anger on this thread and goes and confronts the wife. It’s only herself she’s going to hurt in the long run. Especially if the wife reports her. She needs to leave well alone for her benefit.

I think people need to stop trying to feed the drama for their own entertainment. It’s not helpful to op, although in her red mist of anger, she may think it is.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2018 19:07

maybe we've just been through it enough times to know that the anger and questions etc are a complete waste of time, energy and life

So you needed to go through that get to that understanding, now it’s the OP’s turn. Why can you not allow her that?

I am entirely certain that if I were tangoed like this a) I would be furious and b) I would want to understand as much as possible about what had just happened to me - I would google him like mad.

Bottom line it is instructive to know that he’s on multiple sites and is a profilic cheat - OP will know what to look for next time and be more wary. It adds to one’s knowledge of human nature. She didn’t even go out of her way, she googled one username and a whole lot of info came up.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2018 19:16

It would seem you’re just out for a reaction from wives who may have been hurt.

Wtaf?

Why are so many identifying with the wife but not the OP? My DH could cheat on me but that’s fuck all to do with the OP and I’m able to put myself in her position and imagine how I’d feel in that scenario. It’s not that difficult! I’m not so arrogant to think I could never have been fucked over.

midnightmisssuki · 15/04/2018 19:48

Op you’re just angry you got ‘cheated on’ or ‘played’ by this man and he now wants nothing more to do with you - you feel he’s used you and now he’s back with his seemingly perfect life without consequence. I get it, it’s shit. Too bad but this has nothing to do with you. He is not your husband, boyfriend etc etc.

Why his wife has chosen to take him back has nothing to do with you. Even though it’s tough, accept you’ve been played, moved on. Don’t look at their whatever social media profiles (even occasionally) because what’s the point? He doesn’t want to be with you. He wants to be with his wife. Good luck.

InfiniteSheldon · 15/04/2018 19:54

A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in,
I think she has to take someblame if be has done this before and continues to do it she is colluding she rang you so she knew full well he was cheating he's still active in dating sites still out there lying, cheating and hurting unsuspecting women. She might be the one he's cheating on but she's colluding in the trail of anguish he's leaving. So sorry you tell for him Flowers

RainyApril · 15/04/2018 19:55

Why are so many identifying with the wife but not the op?

I'm identifying with both. Most women have been played at some time. It doesn't mean everyone has to agree with her approach, and some have tried to offer good advice about moving on, drawing a line under it, staying away from social media. We can say it's really shit, identify with her hurt and still think her attitude to his wife is ott.

There isn't a magic bullet to getting over someone is there. It's no contact, distraction and time. They say a month for every year you've been together so let's hope op recovers comparatively quickly.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2018 20:21

I’m not sure why anyone would think this patronising advice is necessary.

OP it’s just offloading here as she would to a friend. I don’t get the impression that she’s haunting them on social media particularly, or that her annoyance is disproportionate. Posters are making much more of that than it actually is for their own agendas.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2018 20:24

Tbh a lot of ‘advice’ on these kinds of threads isn’t about the OP at all just passive aggressive posturing of the posters.

RainyApril · 15/04/2018 20:33

Well I suppose people on mn do tend to respond to a post with advice, anecdotes, our own experiences and thoughts. I thought that was what we were here for. OP's initial post did seem to invite responses.

RainyApril · 15/04/2018 20:39

Out of interest, what agenda are you referring to? Op didn't know she was the ow, ended it immediately when she found out and hasn't contacted him since. As far as I'm concerned, she's beyond reproach, although I have tried lots of times to explain the wife's perspective, which is what op was asking about in the thread title.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2018 21:06

There’s not one shared agenda - lots of individual ones.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 15/04/2018 21:37

It is entirely possible that the wife is staying with him because she wants to. Not everyone stays post-affairs because they're frightened, desperate, have no self-esteem or feel stuck. It's interesting that one poster said her mum 'thought so little of herself' for doing this. Maybe her mum had a different view of the matter and her self-esteem wasn't affected by it. It's his bad behaviour, not hers.

By the way, accusing people of 'judging' only when they make a negative opinion of your post never looks good, and nor does being so utterly unable to handle it. Bluntness may have pissed you off, but your responses were so massively OTT melodramatic that - adding in the hugely OTT language for a 4-month affair - you are coming over, regardless of your innocence in the affair, as a right drama queen and not very nice.

Sakurasnail · 16/04/2018 08:41

There’s not one shared agenda - lots of individual ones.
And they are?

babycow38 · 15/05/2018 05:26

Lets put this to bed ...she stays because she bloody well chooses to, shehas thefacts, sorry other woman you will never know what goeson in a betrayed wifes mind, we keep aclose mind

Cawfee · 15/05/2018 05:55

Did you send the evidence to the wife OP? If I was the wife, I would absolutely want to know that the person I’d forgiven was still at it. Perhaps print off all of the different websites he’s on with dates of last posting. Especially the single and pregnant one!! Surely the fact he’s on that will make the wife realise what she’s married to and forgiven. He’s truly horrific and you were deceived and she’s continuing to be deceived. Send her the proof with a note saying “he’s still at it. I thought you deserved to know. You also deserve better than the cheat you are married to. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide”

whatamistake · 15/05/2018 06:27

Op, do you still have the wife’s phone number on your phone?

If so, call her. As long as it’s her that answers you have a few choices;

  • tell her that her husband is still cheating, with various others, and you have the evidence should she want to see it
  • put the phone down once she picks up and simply send her screenshots of what you’ve found.
  • also make sure she knows the address he took you to as he may well be renting it/own it so he has a place to cheat ‘more effectively!’

Honestly, she deserves to know the truth. He will have told her you meant nothing, minimised the damaged and fed her bullshit. He is an experienced hand at this.

Then, after you’ve done that, please move on. It’s not your fault he hurt (and hurts) his wife and family. He clearly makes a habit of deceiving women and gets a kick out of wasting their time with his lies and bullshit.

If it helps, I can see why you fell for him - he will have learned a lot about ‘what makes women tick’ over his many cheating experiences and knows what works and doesn’t work when making a women want and love him. It’s vile predatory behaviour but he will have this honed to a tee. TMI perhaps but sadly this will also be the same sexually. He’s proficient at what he does - a professional cheat. All the time he has a safety net at home with his wife and kids.

In time, he will lose all of that. - You can’t fool all of the people all of the time...

(It’s just a pity his dick hasn’t gone gangrenous and dropped off with all his skanking about)

Good luck op.

Start your new dating life again with fresh, wiser eyes. Not everyone is like him.

HennaTattoo · 15/05/2018 06:45

OP move on, don't give him more headspace. FWIW I know of a serial cheater. His wife gives him hell and makes his life a misery when she finds out....for a while. But You know what? She stays.Always. He's a high earner, great house, holidays, cars. That's the price. So in her case it's all about the lifestyle.

yetmorecrap · 15/05/2018 09:56

Op, I feel for you, as far as I’m concerned you did everything right. People stay with others as Henna said for all kinds of reasons, for all you know she could be staying and salting away £500 a month for the day she tells him to sod off!! By the way with regards to social media, I think there are an awful lot of do as I say not do as I do people around, the urge to ‘check up’ when you have been crapped on is huge

TemptressofWaikiki · 15/05/2018 16:20

OP, it is hard to feel total sympathy with you because your motives and outrage are so obviously fuelled by self-serving anger and you are now losing the moral high ground by wanting to wreak revenge on the cheating ex. You are far too caught up in your own hurt to really respect the feelings of the wife. Please don’t lie to yourself and others that your motives are anything other than to punish this guy and ensure that his life falls apart. His wife and kids are collateral damage. Yes, it is horrible and you got played. OLD is terrible for this but get a grip, your experience as soul crashing as it is, nowhere compares to someone’s long-term relationship woes. Your part in this is over. You are verging into bunny boiler territory with your obsession of what his wife does and her background. Don’t try to dress up your desire for revenge as concern for the wife. Seriously, stay out of her business and stop snooping.

BankHolidayYAS · 15/05/2018 16:48

ahhh i felt for you til i read

"while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences. "

You actually kidding me?
Fucking hell there will be so much more suffering behind their closed door that you have no idea about - and you're actually bang out yourself for keeping any "limited' contact once you discovered he was married.

Trust me hes dealing with the consequences. I cant imagine his family life being as comfortable as you believe