Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

[Peaceinthevalley]

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

Well... you were hurt less than her I don’t see why you think you werent. Assuming she fell for him as dazzlingly as you did , but twelve years, a ring and several children before you. You got played by a fuckboy,, her entire life was a lie.
Sorry love but your relationship wasn’t star-crossed, it wasn’t a Greek tragedy. You met a manipulative arse. Done.

Well I've probably missed a few posts. I have seen a few, including mine, that have used her inability to move on from him after 4 months to illustrate why his wife might be unable to walk away after 12 years but I think that's just an explanation. Not a criticism of the OP. It's not intended to demean the OP's feelings.

The bottom line for me is that the OP isn't helping herself. She isn't going to find answers to her questions and, even if she did find out why the wife stayed, it isn't going to make her feel any better about what he did to her.

She's investing an awful lot of energy into this that would be better spent on self care and moving past it.

What answer/information is going to suddenly mean she turns a corner and feels better? What response could she read on here or hear from the wife that will ease the pain? What outcome of social media evidence is going to be cathartic for her? The answer is none.

Taking the first step to feeling better is a choice the OP, or anyone in this position, has to make and the reasonable and realistic advice to anyone would be to stop following them and screenshotting 'evidence' and to focus this time and energy on healing. Which this behaviour is not doing.

And the responsibility for this whole situation lies with him.

The OP might techilnically be the OW but, as she had no knowledge, this is no responsibility of hers.

And, tbh, he isn't worth the headspace!

He's just one of many men who lies, who thought he could 'have his cake and eat it', who thought he wouldn't be found out and talked hos way out of it when he was and his wife is just one of many women who doesn't want to see/hear/believe/act on the truth for many, many reasons that I, for one, will never understand.

Have huge compassion for OP and anyone who finds themselves in her position. But now she needs to gove her self a shake, block him on social media, forget about him and move on.

If she has evidence of this man being on other dating sites, send it to the wife (I'd certainly want to know!)

I think she's definitely had a lucky escape!

I think the reason she is getting a roasting is because of the emotive language-“devastated “, “wreck my world”,”lies and betrayal kill you”.
It’s got nothing to do about having a ring but everything to do with the amount of time. Of course lies are lies but there was no investment in the future, no promises or vows. I get that you’re hurt but can you really not see the difference between a 4 month relationship and a long term marriage?
Being betrayed is painful and yes, pain can’t be measured but please don’t compare your pain after 4 months to mine after 18 years. That’s what I find offensive.

Some people use more emotive language than others. It's not a crime.

And pain isn't comparable and I don't think OP did, did she? I may have missed it, it's fair to say.

She's right in the middle of feeling gutted right now and not got a clear head at all. We've all been there. The wife, I hate to say it, is probably very very used to this feeling. She is probably weighing up her options as many do on MN in this situation. She is probably numb. Or fuming. Or feeling vengeful. Or feeling defeated. When and if she posts on MN, we'll know how that individual woman feels.

We don't know but we do know how OP feels and lots of us seem to want to make her feel small about that, which is a bit shit.

Being betrayed is painful and yes, pain can’t be measured but please don’t compare your pain after 4 months to mine after 18 years

And there we have it. Posters reading the thread in terms of themselves, and the wronged wife, rather than objectively and detachment.

It’s not a competition over who is most hurt. The OP has the right to be angry however long the liaison lasted. Comparing her to your own marriage is just bizarre.

Quite ^^

And what the OP actually said was:

I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous

Ok, I’m out of here. Of course her feelings are valid but I just feel that feeling devastated after a 4 month relationship and being unable to move on makes a mockery of his wife’s feelings.
As I said maybe I’m being sensitive about it all.

I don't think you're being oversensitive queen. Yes, being lied to and dumped after 4 months can be horrendously painful, but as a pop said, the DW has many many years of a marriage which proved to be a lie. Which surely rocks your confidence more.

Op said she couldn’t imagine how hideous it was for his wife

I fail to see how that is insensitive to his wife’s feeling

I think the thing that bothered me, and presumably others too, was that the whole OP was based on the reasons the wife sticks around - which is simply irrelevant to her and appeared to imply criticism which I found unfair and besides the point.

OP - FWIW I am very sorry for the position you find yourself in and you have every right to be furious with him.

It’s not about more or less. The thread is about the OP and her experience.

Do you expect her to deny her own feelings just because the wife’s predicament worse? This man treated them both like shit.

If any poster on this thread dated someone who turned out to be married they’d be furious too.

Hi there. After reading quite a few replies I think what this suggests to me is that you are a nice trusting person and someone took advantage of that and hurt you. You got your hopes up that this was a really nice guy and you had fallen for him. Again that's just human nature. He obviously wants to stay in the marriage by his actions. Stay positive.

That was to Polly ^^

I think the man often spins a web of lies and the woman falls for it. It’s difficult to leave a relationship/marriage you have been invested in for years, particularly when children are involved. They’re likely incredibly manipulative and convince the woman it meant nothing, put the crocodile tears on etc.

I was unwittingly the OW a few years ago in a very similar story to yours actually. I met him on OLD like you so obviously you assume that person is single... Went on a date with him, slept with him and the next day had a very long Facebook message from a woman asking if I knew he was in a relationship. No, of course not. He really checked out, I was friends with him on FB and his relationship status said single so I really didn’t understand. She was kind and didn’t blame me at all which I was glad for because I really had no idea she existed. Anyway she forgave him and they got married not long after. I had even told her I met him on OLD so I highly doubt I was the first person he had cheated on her with yet she still forgave him. I never blamed her though, I imagine he was a very good liar and she was obviously deeply in love with him.

It’s not about more or less. The thread is about the OP and her experience.
Correct. And I was replying to queen, not op. As can be seen in the first sentence.

Wow
what a bunch of vipers on here.

When you're faced with someone who's lied to you and the rug is pulled out from under your feet of course you are going to be devastated if you had real feelings for them.
Everyone has the right to feel how they feel.

The main problem OP, is you're never going to get the answers you want, you're trying to find a reason in your head that will explain why both of them have made the decisions they have, you won't get the answer and you'll never know the explanation sadly.

I can imagine how hard it is to see that he's got away with it, that she's happy and getting valentines gifts, regardless of whats happened that is HARD

This is not a competition about years of hurt, who ever said they had 18 years and it's much worse for them seriously lacks empathy. A child in a war torn area has had it harder than me, but does that mean I should just suck up any pain I feel about anything?!

I think the hardest bit for you is not getting the answers you want, honestly lovely, you've got to try and detach yourself from it all, there is nothing you can do about their life, if you email her, you are just staying involved and it will be harder to move on from it.

You will be able to trust again, and perhaps you will have your spidey senses on full alert and that will help you find someone who truly wants to be with you.

"Do you expect her to deny her own feelings just because the wife’s predicament worse? This man treated them both like shit."

This, in spades.

I am always a bit about the way that Mumsnet tends to rush to empathise exclusively with the wife in this situation, and to cast doubt or blame on the other woman, however inadvertently she has been involved in the situation. What is wrong with casting all the anger and blame on this royal arsehole of a bloke, and empathizing with both women? I think there is often a rather disturbing tendency in the background of it to exonerate or excuse the bloke and stimatise the OW, rather than to heap ire and fury on his head, as he richly deserves. And yes, I am aware that people always preface their remarks with "He's a git", but there's a big difference between that flat acknowledgement and the storm of anger that these blokes actually deserve.

And I was replying to queen, not op

Ye-es but you referred to the OP and the DW in your post.

Peace I'm sorry that you were deceived by this man and understand how it can tarnish your view of all men. How do any of us know when we're being lied to, it's so hard.

However, please don't judge his poor wife for taking him back. You have no idea how hard this would have been for her or what the circumstances are which led her to this decision.

As the ex-wife of a cheating, lying waste of space, kicking him out wasn't an easy decision but it was the right one for me and I'm very lucky that I was in the right position financially and emotionally to be able to do this.

Agree pig accept important to point out as you're aware - OP was not knowingly an OW.

In the occasion when OW is knowingly such, I think it's a bit different. It doesn't matter if she's single and he's the married one, it's still lower than a snakes belly and deserves all the shit karma in this world, if there's such a thing.

Send her the evidence. Do it today. Then move on. Delete/block everything to do with them!

titania don't know why you want to make such a big deal of it. I told Queen I didn't think she was being sensitive, as she had suggested, because I could see how long term lies could knock your confidence as it covered more lies over a longer period than lies spanning 4 months. That's my opinion, and it's not your place to read alternative meanings into that. I did also say that discovering 4 months of lies was prob horrendously painful. At no point did I say op wasn't entitled to her feelings, or whatever you were trying to imply. I'm not denying its painful.
And for the record, I'd prefer to find out a partner was lying to me after 4 months rather than many years and DC. Pretty sure another pp said something similar up thread. Why don't you go and pick their post to disagree with too?

I suspect she’s taken him back because like all men that get caught out, he’s given her the least amount of info.

So he’s told her you were a casual fling, it happened once or twice, probably didn’t even tell her you met on OLD or she would have done some detective work.

Or maybe she does have her head in the sand.

I wouldn’t send her the stuff you have because she already knows he’s cheated and decided to accept and forgive. She can get a lot of that info on her own. It will also do you no good as you’ll agonise over maybe getting a response.

Delete, maybe print and ceremonially burn, and work on getting over this dickhead who clearly has no respect for women.

it's not your place to read alternative meanings into that

LMAO. Whatever Polly, you’re clearly not going to get the point. I can’t be arsed to discuss it further. I’m not fucking Titania.