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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

253 replies

Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 06:21

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:29

Speakout why have you reported a genuine thread where I have come to get advice and vent a little?

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 12/04/2018 07:29

I don't think you have moved on, but I also think she has believed whatever bullshit he has told her about you.

I would let her know he's still cheating, the sooner you both cut him out the better. Maybe then you can move on when he gets his comeuppance because that's what this is about I guess. Him not having his cake and not getting off Scott free.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:30

So unnnecessary and harsh not to mention presumptuous

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:33

Starlight I am not blaming her for one second, just trying to get my head around why she would forgive him. Once would be bad enough but the past indiscretions and the recent ones too......

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:35

I mean...... how many times is he going to get away with it?? I did go to what I thought was his home.... a typical bachelor pad, but obviously not his home, I didn't know that at the time.

OP posts:
shooshoopoopoo · 12/04/2018 07:36

You know where you said you now compare every other man you meet to him? Good. It’s unlikely they will be such a snivelling, lying, two timing, wife cheating fucker.

Think of the future and learn from the past. Forget him and compare and when you find they are NOTHING like him, give them a chance.

LoveProsecco · 12/04/2018 07:38

OP you need to focus on your own life and not her's. I think she sounds unaware of the full picture, but even if she is it is her decision to continue her marriage.

I think you need to deleted all contact with him/evidence etc and no longer stalk them both on social media. You need to move on

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:38

Shoo that made me smile for the first time in a while!!!

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 12/04/2018 07:38

Better to meet men through work or hobbies.

RickOShay · 12/04/2018 07:40

Peace for your own sanity you need to let this go. People behave in peculiar ways, there is nothing you can do about it. I think the pp’s idea of sending a letter could work, but if I were you I would leave it.
Of course you are hurt, but you are free. She is locked in an ultimately destructive relationship. Flowers

pigmcpigface · 12/04/2018 07:40

His wife deserves your respectful pity, not your envy. Any woman in a so-called 'marriage' like this is in an awful position.

You are in pain right now, and hurting like hell. I'm not minimising that. What this guy has done to you is absolutely horrible. But because you've broken it off, the pain will be short and sharp - it will pass and you will find someone else who makes you happy. His wife has taken a decision to live with the pain day-in, day-out. There is absolutely nothing to envy about the psychological, physical, sexual and emotional position a woman like that is in.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 12/04/2018 07:42

Stalking the couple on social media and thinking about what to do with the evidence won't help you to start moving on. It was only 2 months. Let It Go and remember the lessons learned from this situation to find someone available. It sounds like you were hoping that he'd leave his wife and pick you but you never know what's going on in his house and again it was only 2 months. His wife has been with him for years so your pain is a fraction of hers.

Dating sites have a reputation for being full of attached men looking for hook ups for a reason and now you know to take it slower next time. Be thankful that you found out now than years later.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:42

Banana it doesn't always work out like that.
.. all work colleagues are female!! It is usually a good way of meeting people

OP posts:
Astrabees · 12/04/2018 07:42

From your brief description of him he seems to have sociopathic traits, I've been involved with two people like this in my life and they are a total addictive sugar fix, even if you know it is over the pain involved in the split is really bad. there are people on MN who break the rules and just shout troll or deliver abuse at this type of thread. One of your critics on here was banned for a while and caused me a lot of pain a few years back. if you have proof he is still cheating I would print it all our, and send it to her in an envelope.

Locotion · 12/04/2018 07:43

Sorry you are hurting OP. It is sad how he treated you - low life man. You will find someone nice soon OP.

QueenCapri · 12/04/2018 07:46

I find your post offensive. You’ve been with him 4 months and talking like you’ve been with him forever.
Now think about how you feel and imagine having been with him for years, having children with him, having your lives entangled together. And then imagine how much hurt you’re in and how difficult it is to walk away.
You’ve had a lucky escape. Believe me, you never want to be that wife 12 years down the line. You will pick up your life easily. She will carry the hurt of this forever.

LogsByTheFireside · 12/04/2018 07:48

I'm not sure why you're 'stalking' and screenshotting 'evidence'.

You need to put this out of your mind and just get on with your own life rather than plotting ways to get back at him.

Ivegotnothing · 12/04/2018 07:49

Sorry this happened to you. I have a friend who has tried dating sites and has had some hair raising experiences! I think, moving forward, you would do well to do some detective work first, just to be sure they are valid, for your own emotional safety. Perhaps leave something (nothing you can't live without) at their 'house' and then pop back for it at a random time, just to make sure they are really there, etc.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:50

Astrabees yes it does seem very harsh and unneccesary to blame me when all I've done is get swept up by his charm and be too naive.. .... to report a genuine thread asking for advice and seeking much needed help on a forum is ridiculous

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsOsmond · 12/04/2018 07:51

This man is not worth one more moment in your thoughts.
Move on now before you do any more damage to yourself.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/04/2018 07:53

I still don't get how you know he's actually been on dates or involved with people since.
Stop obsessing over him, he isn't your problem.
And I don't get why you're so bothered that she took him.back, not your business.
A few months is easy to move on from, if you want to that is. All sounds a bit drama filled for me.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 07:54

Queen I know perfectly well what it's like to be cheated on in a LTR (not 12 years, but 7) as I've been there and felt it thank you.
I am NOT minimising what she is feeling for one second before you go on attacking me without reading my posts first.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/04/2018 07:55

It's time to move on. Delete or destroy anything you have about him. Stop stalking him on line. Leave it be now. For your own mental health. No good can come of you still focusing on it.

As for the wife, it's their business. Who knows. Maybe she's scared of being alone, maybe she is there for the kids, maybe she will put up with any level of shit, maybe she can't afford to leave, maybe she likes the lifestyle, does it matter?

It's not your business or problem. You will never know the answer. Delete everything, move on and do your damndest to try to stop focusing on it.

Baubletrouble43 · 12/04/2018 07:57

You could report him to the dating sites? They may remove him to prevent other women being deceived as you were.

StarlightSparkle · 12/04/2018 07:57

She might not know about past discretions or recent ones.

If she does she may have decided to stay for the family and to retain her current lifestyle. I think you said she was a sahm; it is unlikely she would be able to stay as one if they divorce. She will have to downsize, potentially give up 50% of time with her young children, get a full time job, struggle financially, etc. She may have decided it’s worth turning a blind eye to not have to do all that, which is her choice.