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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

253 replies

Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 06:21

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:

Cleavergreene · 12/04/2018 12:30

*I really don't think meeting a guy 12 times is something to cause a drama about.

That's a casual relationship.*

You’ve made your point. Let it go.

I reckon you can form a very close relationship in three or four months. I totally get how and why the OP feels upset.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 12:30

Some people take cheaters back time and again.

Why?

Low self esteem
Financial reasons
Not wanting to see their kids half the time

Crazy love

The fact that they're still together doesn't mean they are happy together.

If I was her ...I would welcome information of his continued cheating.

Women (and men) can be very much head in the sand.

You were deceived and his wife continues to be deceived.

WeeMcBeastie · 12/04/2018 12:39

Another who isn’t impressed with the lack of sympathy for the OP. It is possible to fall for someone in 4 months and possibly more difficult to get over when it ends abruptly in this way. In answer to your original question, I would definitely tell her. I was a wife in a similar position but I gave him another chance due to having young children and for financial reasons. It was not easy and I spent most of the first year crying. I found further evidence a year later, ‘forgave’ that too and also again 2 years after that. That was the turning point for me, I didn’t divorce him for a further 2 years but started making plans to at that point. I totally understand why women stay, it’s scary to leave, especially if your self-esteem has been damaged by infidelity. I would definitely tell her, you’ll be doing her a favour! Good luck to you in finding someone genuine in the future.

PollyGasson24 · 12/04/2018 12:45

LMAO. Whatever Polly, you’re clearly not going to get the point. I can’t be arsed to discuss it further. I’m not fucking Titania
Wow, many apologies for the auto correct, if it annoys you that much
No, I won't get your point, just as you didn't get mine...

GoldenOrb · 12/04/2018 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatianaLarina · 12/04/2018 13:36

I got your point just fine Polly.

SomeKnobend · 12/04/2018 13:42

Just send her the evidence and then block and forget about them both.

Original poster

Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 14:38

Thank you for your help, advice and support.

OP posts:

AloaBoa · 12/04/2018 14:42

Don't send the evidence. That would be cruel and interfering. Leave the poor woman alone and be grateful you're not in her situation.

pigmcpigface · 12/04/2018 14:45

Why is it cruel to send evidence of something that already happened?

It's not like the OP would be making the profiles appear out of nowhere. The guy already did this. Surely the wife has a right to know, and a right to know the potential consequences of this behaviour for her own health and wellbeing as well as for her marriage?

AloaBoa · 12/04/2018 15:08

It's none of her business what goes on in their marriage and she's not doing it because she cares about the wife, she wants to hurt her and her kids in revenge for the cheating husband leading her on. It is cruel to get involved in someone else's relationship with intentions to split their family up.

speakout · 12/04/2018 15:18

I agree

Original poster

Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 15:44

Aloe you are completely wrong and really very offensive. I didn't FORCE him to lie or cheat, I DID NOT KNOW. It is HIS responsibility. He hurt his wife and me. None of this is my fault. I entered into a relationship with someone i thought was single and available.
He put a profile on a dating website, why would I think he wasn't single. He seemed trustworthy.
I am not out to hurt his wife for revenge or anything else. She has already been devastated enough.... but I am guessing that she doesn't know of his past/current indiscretions and I think she has a right to know so she can make an INFORMED decision.
Some of you are giving me a bashing, but i would like to know what exactly have I done to deserve this? I did nothing wrong, he hurt me too. He told us both disgusting lies.
I am not taking anything away from the horrendous heartache it caused her, it must have been awful but I am not the cause, he is.
Does the time-frame that I was with him negate my pain and not give me the right to feel hurt, used, deceived, angry, upset etc after having big hopes that the relationship was going somewhere?

OP posts:

pigmcpigface · 12/04/2018 15:57

" It is cruel to get involved in someone else's relationship with intentions to split their family up."

The only person who has clearly had intentions of splitting the family up is the guy in question. It doesn't come much more clear-cut than cheating like this.

The damage is ALREADY done. The wife is just ignorant of it. It's a pitiful position to leave someone in, and far, far less dignified than letting them know the truth and make up their own mind. I honestly do not understand the position that people who are the victims of lies and deceit are better off not knowing. From a purely practical perspective of health and STDs, they deserve to know - let alone from the emotional perspective of their relationship being a lie.

ivykaty44 · 12/04/2018 16:55

Didn’t the wife get involved with ops relationship?

Oh no that’s different you think...

The man in these relationships is the cheat and it would be good for other to warn each other about this sleeve ball

pigmcpigface · 12/04/2018 17:02

at sleeve ball. But spot on ivy!

Huskylover1 · 12/04/2018 17:17

Sorry, but this guy deserves everything he gets, if Op tells the wife.

Peace you have done NOTHING wrong here. He deceived you for about 16 weeks, basically tricked you in to bed, made you believe that you were embarking on a serious relationship, and it was all a BIG FAT LIE.

I would be incensed in your shoes, and actually, I'd go so far to say I'd feel violated.

I think if I was you, I'd find a way to show his wife that he is still on the dating sites.

And why the hell should you now be having to deal with all of this hurt, and his life seems to be unaffected? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

If you fuck about on your wife, you totally deserve for at least one of those women you lied to, to want to fuck you over when they find out you're married. Tough shit. I'll dig out my mini violin.

SomeKnobend · 12/04/2018 21:04

I absolutely agree the wife has the right to make an informed decision about whether or not to waste her life and sexual health on this arse. Op, please just give her the info/evidence. Whatever she does with that is up to her but at least she will then have had the chance to decide for herself whether to stay with such a man.

yetmorecrap · 12/04/2018 21:08

I would want to know in the wife’s position, regardless of the OPs motives.

Binxee · 12/04/2018 21:15

Can’t believe the shit you’re getting @Peaceinthevalley - you’ve done nothing wrong and have every right to feel hurt and let down.
If I was the wife I would rather know

Sally2791 · 12/04/2018 21:32

Peace -sorry for the hurt you have been through. I think you should let her know, but then walk away and prioritise your life.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/04/2018 21:50

I'd tell her. But make clear you want absolutely nothing more to do with him whatever she decides.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2018 22:00

Jesus Christ. Op read your posts cold.

Your obsessed with this man. You want his wife to leave him. Whether that's because you want him, which you wouldn't admit, or because you want revenge or both, none of us know.

The fact he had to explain to you he wanted to make it work with his wife indicates you did the pick me dance. So you did want him and he said no.

Get some dignity. Move on. Leave them both alone.

Stop fixating on this. It's going to come to no good. And people should not be encouraging you for the drama,

PollyGasson24 · 12/04/2018 22:04

Does the time-frame that I was with him negate my pain and not give me the right to feel hurt, used, deceived, angry, upset etc after having big hopes that the relationship was going somewhere?
Absolutely not. You did nothing wrong, in fact you have been making decent decisions all along, in that you broke up with the scumbag, and I do believe you want to tell the wife about his continued cheating out of concern for her rather than getting back at anyone or just wanting to ruin his life.
Of course you have the right to feel pain etc over it.
But, (and this is a separate issue) 4 months of lies is not the same as many years of lies, with marriage and kids. And I don't understand how someone could say it is (not you, op). That has nothing to do with whether or not you should/would feel devastated. But ultimately, 4 months of believing you have found your soulmate should be easier to recover from than years of living with, marrying and having kids with your assumed soulmate. And that's a positive for you. I'm not saying it feels any easier right now (as op implied), but you don't have those ties of house/kids/marriage, so you can move on more easily. And I hope you can.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2018 22:09

She didn't break up with him. She said it ended after a massive row where he told her he wished to make it work with his wife.

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