Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

[Peaceinthevalley]

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

But you are never going to understand the reasons behind this women's choices, or fully understand what the choice is, by stalking him/her on social media and this thread.

People have suggested reasons - finances, children, friends, plans, shared lives, love. Maybe she has low self esteem or no confidence and staying with him is easier than facing going it alone. Maybe the sex is just too good to pass up on. Who knows! Certainly no one on here.

Bottom line is, does it matter if you understand her reasons for staying or not?

What difference is it going to make to anything if you understand why she is staying. Is there a reason that is going to make you feel better?

You're wasting so much time and energy on this.

OP you ask how could she forgive him, well I don't know but I know women do.
A Df of mine had the extremely handsome, charming, twinkly eyed, successful Dh. She still does!
She has four Dc and has the most weird life imo.
He has constant affairs, which she eventually finds out about and I have had her distraught on the phone to me, in the middle of the night, asking me to come over to look after the kids because she thinks she knows where he is. She's then drives off to confront him.
I've driven her to OW's houses in the middle of the night when she had no car and watched as she's banged hysterically at the door until he answered it.
Just none stop! One after another!
And you know what, she's still with him, twenty years later.
I've lost touch as I've moved away but it's probably still going on.
I couldn't do it but I've seen first hand that it happens.

I get really fed up with all the posters who bang on about victim blaming. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for anyone who stays with a cheating partner especially if it's not the first time and/or they know that they are still on dating sites. They stop being a victim and become a willing participant

You’d be better off channelling your energy into something positive. You will never know why is stays with him.

None of your business what she does or her reasons for it. He is the only one you should have issues with.

FWIW I very much doubt she knows quite what a shit he is so please go ahead and tell her.

For goodness' sake, tell his wife! Send her that evidence! Poor woman. He's managed to talk her round with his whining about 'a mistake' - read some threads on here and you will see just how often that happens. To normal. intelligent women who just don't want to face the truth.

It's not causing her hurt, it's giving her the ammunition to finally take control of her life and get shot of him before she ends up with an STD.

Oh and he doesn't 'have it all' - people like that actually have nothing because they don't have the capacity to even realise what 'it' consists of. They cheat and lie and spend their lives wallowing in emptiness, making a mockery of their families - they really don't have it. They threw it away as soon as it came into their lives.

I think you are thinking about it from your own perspective, not hers. You have said you know all this additional shady stuff he has been upto. She doesn't know that, though. She probably believes some very minimised version of the truth fed to her from her scumbag husband. So she is trying to forgive him for something different to what you know to be the truth. Maybe she is just putting on a front, getting her finances in order, in preparation to divorce. Who knows?

I would send some evidence and the stop all the stalking. Only send the evidence if it irrefutable, though. There is no point sending it if he can try to claim it is vindictive, not true, doesnt "prove" anything. If it helps, dont send the evidence. It isnt actually your job. But I would want to know (although she may know already).

Dirtybadger and Fizzy and everyone else your 2 posts above really struck a chord and stood out. You hit the nail on the head. You are right, she prob does not know the truth.....maybe just me which he minimized so she needs to make an informed decision and the true facts.
And Fizzy you are right too.... He he doesn't deserve a family.... He doesn't care and lost it a long time ago

I can't believe people are saying don't tell her. I bet your bottom you would all WANT to know.
Its not about anyone else other than what his wife deserves and she deserves the truth!

If someone had irrefutable evidence my H had cheated again I would want to know. She has probably agonised over whether to stay with him (she filed for divorce initially so was hardly condoning it) but it’s likely she is unaware of new indiscretions. Poor woman.

To be perfectly honest I'm not too fussed about your ickle broken heart. However I believe you should definitely send his wife the evidence without any commentary from you.

You don't have any comprehension what she is going through. How she probably tortures herself about if she was thinner or prettier or more attentive he would never have cheated.

Maybe she took him back but regrets it massively and is looking for an excuse to dump his cheating arse.

Let her decide, you owe her that.

It’s interesting that you’re getting the fuckwitted OW kicking despite the fact you weren’t aware he was married.

Never mind the facts eh when posters have an opportunity to punish a poster for their own fears.

It’s highly offensive to imply that someone who has been lied to for 3-4 months has no right to care or be angry or question what happened.

OP makes a perfectly good point - why is this woman staying with a serial cheat and a liar. Well 1) he’s lied and minimised so she thinks it’s a one off, 2) she’s lying to herself about who he truly is and that trust can be rebuilt. She will no doubt find out the hard way that he’s still at it.

Op is getting a hard time from some posters..

Op ultimately the wife did you a favour telephoning you and letting you know he is married, had she not the pretence could have continued.

If you want to send her the evidence you have her husband is still cheating, that’s your call. If you do though you then need to use that as closure and move on, don’t do it to see if she leaves- do it so that she has the choice of making an informed choice

Then block him and his social media etc and move on with your life and thank your lucky stars

Generally I’m all in favour of letting the poor wife know.

But given the fact he was involved with you she may dismiss anything you say as sour grapes, and he will tell her you were a crazy, jealous liar he’s sooo glad to be back with his family and will never do it again.

I wouldn’t personally want to have any further in involvement with this sordid little man.

OP, personally I would send her the evidence. Then I would stop looking at both his and her social media posts, stop worrying about why she has chosen to stay with him and move on with your own life.

I do think you have a right to be very hurt and upset, but I also think that after 3/4 months you should be able to get over him pretty quickly if you stop torturing yourself.

OP, you're getting a roasting here as if you're the other woman and it's absolute bullshit MN at it worst.

You're perfectly entitled to feel hurt, upset and confused by being hit by this in a 3/4 month relationship. By that time, most long term relationships that are going anywhere are fully embedded in and serious. Distance is irrelevant as is the frequency of seeing each other - if it's real it's real by 3 months in and it felt real to you. So posters trying to make you feel shit for caring about a 'casual relationship' are just being pure nasty. Ignore them.

If you feel like you want to tell his wife out of kindness and true empathy - do it. Don't do it out of vengeance or because you think she's being a bit think.

Have integrity because you've done nothing wrong, keep it that way.

Op I do hope that with time you meet someone nice, you certainly didn’t deserve this to happen to you

Tatiana

Your post makes no sense.

Unless I've missed something, no one has had a go at her for being the OW. She had no idea.

No one is saying she doesn't have the right to care or be angry or question it but, at the moment, she is not doing anything positive for her with that anger and the only person she is hurting is herself. Her feelings are perfectly valid but how she responds to those feelings is a choice.

There are many possible reasons why the wife is staying and none of us knows what the actual reason is.

The speculating and stalking is not helping the OP.

You seem very preoccupied with the fact that he's 'gotten away with it' but things won't be as rosy as they appear to the outside observer. I'm sure his wife will have attached a whole load of conditions to having him back.

And when you say that you now compare everyone to him, and also have trust issues, well that is not necessarily a bad thing. You are wiser, less naive, less trusting of taking people at face value. You will not fall so quickly next time, thanks to this experience.

If you have irrefutable evidence, send it to his wife. If she chooses to stay with him after that, as some women do, well then you should leave them to their codependent misery.

Logs are you reading a different thread?

Sooooo many posts pretty much saying she needs to get over it, that she has no right to feel bad when his wife will feel much worse, who was it who said (I'm paraphrasing) "I don't care about your ickle broken heart" ... I mean WTF. Nasty.

Posters taking the piss about her saying their connection was 'electric' etc like they've never felt that way in their life with a new man. Perhaps they haven't hence the bitter vibe of their posts.

The speculating and stalking is totally, horrendously unhealthy. But fuck me, we've all done it to some degree in the event of SM after the end of a relationship and if you haven't well, you clearly have no perspective to offer on it, because you just don't know what you're talking about.

Have a bit of empathy maybe? Her feelings are valid as you say, but you're very judgemental about her choice of how to deal with them and that's not your call.

OP, I get that you feel hurt. Even dating for a short time you can't help but being hopeful that this is the one and finding out someone is not what they say is awful.
However, you have spoken to the wife and that was your chance to say your piece. To now go searching for evidence and present it triumphantly before her would be cruel. She kniws from talking to you that he's a cheat and has plenty if opportunity to look for evidence herself.
You need to move on.

OP, you can't carry this into your next relationship re trust.

People are individuals. If you fail to accept that, all your relationships will probably falter.

OP, you're getting a roasting here as if you're the other woman and it's absolute bullshit MN at it worst

Exactly.

Logs are you reading a different thread?

Apparently so.