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Original poster

Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick. I don't get it.

253 replies

Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 06:21

Hello everyone,
I am new here so please bear with me.
I have been reading some of the support threads, particularly the ones about betrayed partners and cheating etc. It got me thinking and a little curious I guess.
So this is a long and complicated one so I will try to get to the point as best I can.
A while back I started chatting to what I thought was a great person on a dating website.
He sent me a message commenting on one of my photos and we immediately hit it off. Discovered that we had loads in common and seemed like a good match.
We chatted for a while on social media and then met and the connection between us was electric. I really liked him and started to think that this could be something extremely special.
When we weren't able to be together, we would spend hours communicating via phone or social media.

He made me feel so fantastic. He would send me messages frequently saying can't wait to see you beautiful lady etc.
It was going so well when suddenly approx 3/4 months into the 'relationship', I received a call from this person's wife.
He was married, not separated and getting a divorce as he told me.
Oh no, they were very much together and she was understandably furious and very upset to say the least. I was devastated and shocked.
Following this, I had some limited communication with him and it ended in a massive row. He said that he needed to make his marriage work and I told him that he should have thought about her before putting a profile on a dating website and fucking and me and lying to us both.

He said that he felt so guilty and horrible for destroying his wife, me, his marriage and causing problems within the family that he thought about committing suicide.
He went onto apologise for hurting me, told me that he loves wife with all his heart and wants her back. That they discussed marriage counselling etc.

I have since found out that they have been married 12 years. They initially split up and she started divorce proceedings but now they are back together and both committed to making it work.
I have also discovered from a little bit of detective work I wish I had done sooner rather than later that he has been on several dating and hook up websites over a period of many years. He is still a member, an active one, on many.
He has also met other people and had dates/hook-ups since the crap hit the fan a few months ago.
But from what I know, his wife remains oblivious, naive, or simply putting up with it. I am not sure which.
I know that finding out that he lied to me after only knowing him a short while felt like being cut open with a knife. He hurt the living hell out of me, we had an amazing (allbeit false on his part) connection and I had fallen madly for him. I can't begin to imagine how she felt. It must have been hideous..... so why forgive him. Is she so blind to not see what's in front of her face since she found out he had been cheating - or is she choosing to ignore it and try and 'get on' with her marriage which is essentially a sham?
No matter how hard I try, and I really do emphasise with her, but I can't say that I understand it. A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this ...to have his cake.... while I have still got to pick up the shattered pieces that he left me in, he still gets to play away and then go back to devoted wifey, kids and family. He has it all and I can't help but be angry and upset that he has no consequences.

Sorry its so long. A little rambling too I think. Needed to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:
Laiste · 12/04/2018 07:57

OP your basic question is: Why forgive him? He's a cheat and a Dick...

You're posting here about him, stalking him on SM and still emotionally entangled after only a few weeks of knowing him, one night and a few lovey dovey messages.

You can't understand why a woman who's been with him for years and has children and a whole life with him hasn't done the logical thing?

You know, in a way you too are keeping him in your life, just as she is.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:02

Laiatise
I actually met him many times and we communicated daily, several times per day. It wasn't always possible to meet due to distance apart and what he said were work commitments etc but we met many times over 3/4 months

OP posts:
speakout · 12/04/2018 08:06

How many times can you physically meet him in 3 months when distance and time and getting away from his wife with a good excuse is a problem?

Eight? Six ? Twelve?

You are being a drama queen OP.

DamsonOnThisDress · 12/04/2018 08:07

Think of it from her point of view: you seem to be finding him very hard to move on after a few months of dating so imagine the magnitude of emotions for her when they have so many years, vows and a family together. That's huge. She'll have all the years of good stuff making it very confusing and hard to walk away from.

She will believe he is one thing and this will have turned her life upside down but she'll have all this 'good' making it hard to believe this new 'bad'. Plus he'll be begging and spinning her lines.

It's not uncommon to think - given your shared history and you think you know them - that it was a mistake and you can get over it.

I don't mean to belittle your feelings at all - he was a shit to both of you and you're hurt. But you will get over it.

Consider it a lucky escape.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:09

Speakout if you don't like the thread, don't post simple. He has a job which involves a lot of travel so I guess he probably told her that he was working.
In 3/4 months we met and had a good time together at least a 10/12 times or more.

OP posts:
speakout · 12/04/2018 08:11

I really don't think meeting a guy 12 times is something to cause a drama about.

That's a casual relationship.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:13

It doesn't matter whether it was once or a million times or what you want to label it as......he lied.... and lies hurt

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 12/04/2018 08:13

A part of me also feels that she is allowing him to behave like this

So when you were cheated on in your previous LTR, I can't help but think you may have allowed him to behave like that in the first place.

Not nice to hear, is it?

She's got more to lose. I know you hurt after 4 months, but trust me, getting over a short fling will take a month at the most. Count yourself lucky you found out when you did.

Let it go and FFS, and put the woman out of her misery. The evidence clearly isn't as obvious to her as t is to you, so she may need some help to counter his lies to her.

ShinyShooney · 12/04/2018 08:14

I would send her the evidence and then leave it.

She has wasted 12 years on him, don't let her waste anymore. I could;t sit back and let another woman be treated like that. I doubt she knows the whole truth, if she does and still stayed then yes she is an idiot and only encouraging him to continue treating women like shit.

Sorry you were treated so poorly, and yes you are entitled to be hurt after only a few months- ignore anyone who says otherwise. Betrayal is hard to handle and will of course have made it hard for you to trust again.

QueenCapri · 12/04/2018 08:14

I did read all your posts and I still find it offensive. You talk with such emotive language after just 3-4 months.
Maybe I’m being sensitive as I’m currently pretty much in the wife’s position.
I wonder whether your past history is affecting this. Having been cheated on is awful and to now find you are the OW must be awful too.

LogsByTheFireside · 12/04/2018 08:16

In 3/4 months we met and had a good time together at least a 10/12 times or more.

So think how many more good times they will have shared together over 12 years.

You can't let him go after 3 - 4 months and 12 dates yet you can't understand why she hasn't let him go after 12 years and a shared lifetime together.

Seriously, you need to let this go. It's not doing you any favours.

ziggy1986 · 12/04/2018 08:16

I know from experience that when you are online dating you can pin all your hopes on someone. Is that so hard to understand?

ziggy1986 · 12/04/2018 08:19

It’s almost like she’s not entitled to be hurt cos she’s not the wife. Like their is a hierarchy of hurt in mn.

Ffs she thought she had met someone great and was starting something new. She’s allowed to be disappointed.

ziggy1986 · 12/04/2018 08:19

*there

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:20

Acatcalledjohn
I didn't allow my LTR to get away with anything.... we were engaged, planning the wedding and living together but when I found out he had slept with OW I ended it immediately and I have no regrets whatsoever that I did.
It was he that looked at me 6 months later, wrapped his arms around me and tried to kiss me so yes I've been in that position myself. I do accept that it's different when there are children involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:22

But this post has helped to clarify a few things and made me think from a different perspective so thank you to those that have helped and given good advice

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 12/04/2018 08:23

Yeah ok. At no point have you expressed regret at your victim blaming.

I'm out.

LogsByTheFireside · 12/04/2018 08:25

ziggy1986

Tbh, having done OLD myself, I think you have to be a bit sensible and take it all with a pinch of salt until you know what is really going on.

I dated a few men I met online and didn't consider it to be a relationship and certainly nothing more than 'just words' until I'd had some sort of 'proof' of the life they were describing to me - so had met friends, been to their house, met family... checking someone out online is pretty standard.

And yes, when someone does turn out to be like this, of course you're allowed to be 'disappointed'. But the OP is describing stalking this man/his wife online and screenshotting evidence and all sorts. She needs to be putting her energy into doing things to move past him now and decide how she's going to progress in future relationships. Not be flailing about this man who, frankly, isn't worth all the headspace.

I just do not understand why some women behave like this. It achieves nothing other than to feed the drama.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:26

Thank you Ziggy
I think that is what it is like on here...if you haven't got a ring you are not entitled to feel anyrhing.
Like it makes a difference as to the level of hurt and betrayal I feel if it's 12 times meeting or 1,000.
Some people don't seem to get that It a not just the loss of the 'relationship' which may or may not have worked out, but the lies and betrayal that kills you

OP posts:
LogsByTheFireside · 12/04/2018 08:30

I think that is what it is like on here...if you haven't got a ring you are not entitled to feel anyrhing.

I don't think anyone is saying your hurt feelings are unreasonable. Your feelings are perfectly natural but you have a choice over the way to respond to these feelings.

People are just pointing out the irony of you being unable to understand why his wife doesn't let him go after 12 years when you can't let him go after 4 months.

Tbh, you'd be better placed to respond to your emotions by finding ways of moving on rather than embroiling yourself in it futher.

planningpartyfreak · 12/04/2018 08:33

I know what it's like to fall quickly for someone and then discover it was all just a game on their part through online dating, it really does hurt like hell

As to why she's forgiving him, who knows - maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't tbh it's irrelevant and not your problem anymore. If you want to send her evidence of his interactions with you I would but then I'd block him completely out of your mind as much as you can and focus on healing yourself. He's a cheat and a dick and doesn't care how either of you feel at all, never did, never will - you were just a game.

Next time you meet someone just guard your heart ❤️ don't fall before you have proof of who they are

CathysGhost · 12/04/2018 08:35

Hi Op
I've just been in an almost similar situation myself. Pm me if you'd like to talk. I understand how you feel.

AloaBoa · 12/04/2018 08:35

She has twelve years of investment and young children with him, she obviously doesn't want to throw that away for a bit of sex. When a married man like him has an affair, it's all about sex, they really don't care about you, just what they can get into you. It's meaningless.

You want her to split their family up because you feel vindictive towards him. You're stalking him and his family on social media because you're obsessed with him. That's not her fault.

Stop with the stalking, you're not a victim, you're not equally as upset with her, you have no investment in him other than a few delusions and he doesn't care about you so leave them be. What goes on in their marriage is none of your business.

Block him and move on.

Original poster
Peaceinthevalley · 12/04/2018 08:36

Surely It doesn't matter if you are with someone 12 months or 12 years, if they have cheated many times surely that is unforgivable??.
I AM NOT blaming her.....just trying to understand.
I can sort of get my head around a drunken one night stand or a one off mistake etc..... I totally get that it's far from easy to change everything for what could have been a 'mistake'..... allbeit a bad one..... but we are talking several times over many years here

OP posts:
Lanaa · 12/04/2018 08:43

Op you're getting a rough ride here and it's unfair. There are posters on here who love to kick someone when down. Ignore them.

You need to forget about him. Don't look at him or his wife on social media. It's not healthy. I know what you mean about the instant connection, but they don't last.

I too have no idea why women stay with cheating men. Maybe it's a low self esteem thing? It's weak and 99% of the time it makes the man think he has been given carte blanche to do as he pleases. This is true in your case. I wouldn't bother sending any evidence to his wife. She will already know. Just block, delete them and concentrate on the future.