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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

35 weeks pregnant, DP in bed with someone else

190 replies

Stargirl17 · 08/04/2018 04:41

Fuck.
He had a few friends around last night after the football, I had some work to do so I popped down to say hi but left them to it & went to bed around midnight.
He didn’t come to bed. I just got up for a wee assuming he was on the sofa but he’s asleep in the spare bed with another woman (his ex girlfriend).
WTAF?

OP posts:
typcast · 08/04/2018 08:07

I don't think you're overreacting. Under-reacting if anything. So sorry this happened to youThanks.
The fact he lied about it is very telling.
I'm not saying LTB - but I'd be waiting to speak to her to get more info. And I'd interrogate him once she's gone. I'd also probably try and get his phone to have a deep look - I would never usually do this but he has given you real cause for concern.
Even if there is nothing further - the fact he went to bed with her when you were in the next room is incredibly hurtful.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 08/04/2018 08:08

I don’t like drama so wouldn’t have woken them or taken photos- I would however ask for his explanation (just to know what I am up against - not because there is an acceptable version - just degrees of awful) and quietly ask her to leave.

Sounds like ‘nothing’ happened but it is incredibly disrespectful and he may paint you as crazy so don’t give him any cause to.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 08/04/2018 08:11

I think it would be a dealbreaker for me - both DH and I have exes as friends and plenty of male/ female close friends but there has to be boundaries

starryeyed19 · 08/04/2018 08:11

OP, I hope you are OK. Make yourself a hot drink and have something to eat too. Do you have a houseful of people or has everyone left?

typcast · 08/04/2018 08:23

Also- I don't think anyone was saying you were overreacting- I think a couple of people were saying the posters telling you to tip water on them and take photos for Facebook were overreacting.

Bluetrews25 · 08/04/2018 08:30

Then there is the other issue about alcohol. Sorry.
Anyone who drinks to a level where they make really stupid, lack of judgement, decisions which impact so much on others needs to have a serious think about what they are doing.
What if OP had gone into labour and needed taking to hospital?
Why is it socially acceptable to drink to the level where you pass out?
He's going to be a great dad, isn't he? Hmm

Notasunnybunny · 08/04/2018 08:33

Being in bed with someone is intimate, sex or not. You don’t get into bed with an ex gf whilst supposedly in a relationship, end of, this is just a no go. Utterly inappropriate and unacceptable crossing of a line.

Never allow this person into your home again she has no respect for you. Deal with your dp as you see fit.

staydazzling · 08/04/2018 08:34

fully clothed or not it's hugely disrespectful, and trying to lie to you, what are you going to say to her OP.

14StoneInADay · 08/04/2018 08:37

Tbh, I'd be pretty pissed off that he got so drunk while I was heavily pregnant!
Nothing wrong with having a drink but if you went into early labour and he was almost paralytic, things could get serious very quickly.
Is he always such a colossal dick head? I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but whether he did or didn't do anything with his ex, I think you may have bigger problems to sort Sad

AnnieAnoniMouser · 08/04/2018 08:40

You generally trust him.

You’ve met her several times, seen them together & never felt there was anything to be worried about.

How would you be feeling if she wasn’t an ex?

Was the bedroom door open or had they closed it?

Was your house really cold last night? If they were drunk & cold, getting under the duvet to watch the end of the game might have seemed like a plan.

He lied when he came to bed, but maybe he just didn’t want to upset you?

You know him, and her a bit, we don’t. See how things are when everyone’s awake and go from there 💐

haverhill · 08/04/2018 08:41

It shows a major lack of respect for you, OP. And it’s suspicious. How would he react if the situation was reversed? Tbh, if my partner did this it would seriously damage my opinion of him.

FluffyHippo · 08/04/2018 08:41

Calm down. Given the level of hysterical over-reaction on this thread, it's a wonder that any of you have ever had a lasting relationship. He was drunk, fell asleep and felt appropriately guilty when he woke up, hence him returning to bed and fibbing a little - hardly a LTB situation.

Tragicboozyflaccidclown · 08/04/2018 08:43

He lied about sleeping downstairs because he knows what he’s done is wrong.

Don’t let him or people on this forum tell you it’s jusy fine and dandy for someone to snuggle up in bed with their ex. You have every right to be furious, please don’t accept this behaviour.

Tragicboozyflaccidclown · 08/04/2018 08:45

You’d do it then would you fluffy? Invite your ex round, then get in bed with them once your partner is in bed?

Nah I don’t think you would. I’m sure they didn’t have sex but that kind of intimacy is totally innapropriate

BlankTimes · 08/04/2018 08:47

You do not get into bed with your ex when your gf is asleep in the marital bed in the next room in your shared home.

I'd have photographed them asleep together and plastered it all over social media so everyone they know can see what skanks they really are.

Then thrown them out.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP Flowers

diddl · 08/04/2018 08:47

"He was drunk, fell asleep "

In bed with another woman???

How does that even happen?

FluffyHippo · 08/04/2018 08:48

Tragicboozyflaccidclown, I wouldn't plan to - obviously. But if it happened, I'd hope that my partner would be a little more mature and forgiving than most of the responses on this thread. Shit happens and no-one's perfect - not even you (gasp!).

Mookie81 · 08/04/2018 08:52

PM

Emma198 · 08/04/2018 08:57

@Blank would you have actually though?

runningdoll · 08/04/2018 09:01

Only you can decide what sort of standard you want from a partner op. If you feel that this sort of behaviour is a deal breaker then that's your right. I know couples where this situation would be a massive issue and a breach of trust.

I'd probably put up with it tbh and not make too much of it, but a: I don't have the type of relationship that I actually want and b: I've lived with a drinker long enough for falling asleep in an ex's bed to be far less disruptive than some of the other things that he as done.

In fact thinking through my RL freinds, I can't think of many of them where this would be ok.

Idontdowindows · 08/04/2018 09:04

He assured me nothing happened between them, which I do believe.

Why? He already lied to you about where he slept, so from that point onward I wouldn't be believing a thing he said.

I'd hope that my partner would be a little more mature and forgiving than most of the responses on this thread

Accepting a lying partner's excuses is mature now? Ohhhhkay...

Tragicboozyflaccidclown · 08/04/2018 09:05

Yeah, if managing not to snuggle up in bed with an ex while my partner sleeps next door makes me perfect then yes fluffy, I am in fact perfect.

Or your standards are low.

Emma198 · 08/04/2018 09:09

@idontdowindows I don't think she was referring to not accepting it being more mature but more the water throwing and photo taking.

Mix56 · 08/04/2018 09:09

So imagine if you got pissed & he found you in bed with yourEx.........

BlankTimes · 08/04/2018 09:10

@Emma198 In the full flow of the initial disgust and anger fuelled by pregnancy hormones I don't know exactly what I'd have done but it would have been pretty explosive and along the lines of nobody disrespects me this much, get out and I'll tell everyone what you've done.

We all have different boundaries. For me it would be a dealbreaker, he'd be gone, but everyone would be under no illusions why.