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Original poster

Resentment over DH vasectomy

178 replies

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 13:25

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 06/04/2018 13:28

I understand your disappointment, but it is 100% his body, his choice.

He had already made the decision to not have more DC. In my view he has done the practical, ethical thing - now you do not have to worry about contraception.

GummyGoddess · 06/04/2018 13:30

He does have the right to do that, but you also have the right for it to be a dealbreaker and leave. I don't think there's going to be a nice solution for either of you unfortunately, I'm sorry.

Sarsparella · 06/04/2018 13:30

He has as much say in the decision as you, it’s his choice to have the operation & his body

You should be happy for the children you have, some people don’t have that privilege

annandale · 06/04/2018 13:34

I understand the pain as my xh had a vasectomy before I was ready. However, other people's bodies are not ours to fantasise about. You would be outraged if you found your Dh were upset you'd had a mastectomy without consulting him. You are going through the pain of a door closing, find a healthy way to process it (exercise, two or three counselling sessions?)

twattymctwatterson · 06/04/2018 13:37

Do you believe that you should have the right time control your own fertility?

Juells · 06/04/2018 13:38

If you didn't want more children you'd be rightly pissed off if he insisted on getting you pregnant. I don't see the difference, really.

LoveB · 06/04/2018 13:41

I'd be very annoyed OP. He should have waited and you could have decided together. Not exactly a team player.

Dobbythesockelf · 06/04/2018 13:43

I get why you are annoyed but it is his body and his choice. Only you know whether this is a deal breaker for you. Take a bit of time to let it sink in, talk it through with someone (counsellor) and see how you feel in a couple of months.

sinceyouask · 06/04/2018 13:46

I don't think you're being fair. It is his body and his choice.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 13:47

Control of one's ability to reproduce and one's fertility is never a joint decision. He made the right decision for him as he never wants to reproduce again. If that's a dealbreaker for you, fair enough.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 13:49

The problem here is you discussed and agreed...but you changed your mind and developed doubts.

I guess he could have held off the decision to go ahead, so as to discuss further .... but if in his mind he knew he didn't/doesn't want more kids..then he probably felt there was no point in delaying things.

It was a joint decision...but you changed your mind. So not quite the same as him just going to have it done with total disregard for you.

Imagine if you'd agreed on having your tubes tied ...you don't want more kids and you're happy with the decision. If he suddenly became unsure...you'd probably be ticked off and may decide to it regardless...because you don't want any more kids.

If he's a good husband in other areas...try and move forward and be happy. If there are other issues...then you may decide otherwise.

Cabininthewoods69 · 06/04/2018 13:59

My dh did this and we don't have any children together. If got 1 dd and he has 2 older dd. I resent it all the time. If never experienced having a family with someone who is supportive and I resent he has as its down to him that i can't. And I can't leave as I love him and he has taken my dd on as his own for 7 years so it would break her heart. I instead suck it up and enjoy all the nice things we can do without a baby in tow.

user1494409994 · 06/04/2018 13:59

My DH and I had 2 children before he went for his vasectomy. We had discussed it and as I was already 41 we were not going to have any more kids. Didn't stop me feeling upset when he actually had it done though. Got over it fairly quickly though.

gamerchick · 06/04/2018 14:05

I don’t think there are any rights or wrongs tbh. He was done, he doesn’t want any more babies and has made sure that will never happen for him. That’s his right, just as it is yours to leave him and find someone who can.

Cabininthewoods69 · 06/04/2018 14:09

Pay a sperm doner hunny or at least suggest a conversation about getting one. I get cross that he doesn't seem to care that I want another baby and at times it feels like he rubs it in my face. I. Over sensitive though so he probably isn't

PookieDo · 06/04/2018 14:14

I agree with the others. This was a joint decision and you changed your mind. I’m sorry for you though. His body he can choose. I had a little wobble when I got sterilised but the wobble was so small compared to the relief.

Original poster

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 14:16

Wow. I feel pretty naive looking at all your comments. I genuinely thought decisions impacting both partners, or whole families, should be made jointly. I'd never have accepted a job overseas without consulting my husband and children for example. I now realise I'm in the minority. Eye opening and indeed liberating as it seems like we should all just be out for ourselves. Thanks so much for changing my whole world view. I'm off to join Tinder and shag a stranger cos it's my body and why not!

OP posts:

Juells · 06/04/2018 14:18

Childish

Dobbythesockelf · 06/04/2018 14:21

Oh come on there is a massive difference between a job and a medical procedure involving your own reproductive organs. I don't want any more kids after I have had the one residing inside me currently. If my dh told me that I wasn't allowed to get sterilised because he might want another child I would show him the door. Why should the ops want for another child trump his want to not have anymore. She doesn't have to stay with him if it's a big problem for her.

NerrSnerr · 06/04/2018 14:21

As harsh as it seems he clearly doesn’t want anymore children and that’s his choice. If you want more children then you’ll have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

Jobs overseas are very different to a medical procedure. If he is 100% certain he doesn’t want anymore children I don’t see how waiting would make a difference as he shouldn’t be forced to have a baby against his will.

Prancingonthevalentine · 06/04/2018 14:21

Kerrylu I think he should have given you more time - and maybe you could have discussed reasons together in a way that might have changed either his or your mind - but really a decision like this is always going to be decided by the person not wanting rather than the person who wants. I’m heading for 50 and would still be unhappy to be sterilised - there is such a finality about it. Try to do nothing hasty but remember you do have choices if you still want a baby - but they’re not nice ones to have to make.

Clutterbugsmum · 06/04/2018 14:24

Sorry but moving countries for a job is in no way the same as your DH having a vasectomy.

The fact that you changed your mind doesn't mean that your DH did and clearly he didn't. He happy with your family unit.

If you really prepared to throw your family away for some hypothetical third child, then you really need to go speak to some one before you lose even more.

GreenMeerkat · 06/04/2018 14:27

Did you fully explain how bothered/upset you were about him having a vasectomy?

I can see why you are upset, and if you did communicate your feelings to him I think he could have maybe sat down and discussed it further rather than going ahead.

However.. I do agree with the others that it's his body. If you were pregnant and wanted a termination but your DH was totally against it, everybody on this board would be saying it's your body, your decision. Same as it was for him. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

RatherBeRiding · 06/04/2018 14:30

I'm all for joint decisions - if they can be reached without undue pressure being applied to one side. Which is generally the side that is the weakest link and will crumble under pressure. With something as life-changing as having a child, why should one person's wishes trump another's, and why should one person be pressured into trying for another child when they really don't want one.

Unless there is genuine agreement about a vasectomy, (and in this case there obviously wasn't) then how can you arrive at a joint decision?

In which case, the person whose body it is gets to decide what to do with it. And a person's wish NOT to have a baby will (or should) always trump the person who wants another.

hammeringinmyhead · 06/04/2018 14:31

You can't compare the basic human right to bodily autonomy with a job location.

If you got pregnant and you didn't want a baby he couldn't force you to have the baby. This is kind of the same for men.

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