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Original poster

Resentment over DH vasectomy

178 replies

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 13:25

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

OP posts:
KoshaMangsho · 06/04/2018 14:32

The two are not the same. Should you be forced to not use contraception or get pregnant because your DH dictates it? We would call him abusive and worse.
It is his body. You have children (so not like the PP who doesn’t have children with her partner). You changed your mind about what he should do with HIS body. Erm. Tough luck.

You have every right to be disappointed. You are entirely within your rights to be broody. But you cannot force your DH to not undergo a procedure that he must have given considerable thought to. People don’t just go and have surgical procedures on their privates on a whim. You need to respect his decision.

LoveB · 06/04/2018 14:36

I'm with you OP. This should have been a joint decision. I'm a bit Hmm at everyone's comments here

DairyisClosed · 06/04/2018 14:38

How can you possibly feel that you have any right to dictate whether is chooses to take contraceptive precautions? I appreciate that you wanted more children but he didn't. You had a prior agreement to have two. He has met his obligations in that respect. You have no right to expect him to have children he doesn't want just because you gave changed your mind.

KiraL · 06/04/2018 14:39

"Pay a sperm doner hunny"

Wtf? Confused

serialcheat · 06/04/2018 14:39

Seeing your latest post, it becomes a little clearer and understandable why he didn't discuss it with you.......

Maybe you can have that third ' hyperthetical child ' via some guy from Tinder.....

Dobbythesockelf · 06/04/2018 14:39

Why is it a joint decision when it's a man getting a vasectomy but if it's a woman wanting an abortion that her partner doesn't want her to have, no one says she should listen to him. Nobody has any say over another person's body male or female.

OlennasWimple · 06/04/2018 14:39

I agree that ideally it should be a joint decision, and you come to a shred understanding. But ultimately, if nothing you say or do is going to make him want another baby, it is his right to take responsibility for that and have a vasectomy. I don't think he should have done it behind your back, but the alternatives (insisting that you use contraceptives that don't agree with you? pressuring you to have an abortion? never having sex with you again? having a baby that he really, really didn't want?) are worse

greendale17 · 06/04/2018 14:39

The OP sounds very childish

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 14:43

' I genuinely thought decisions impacting both partners, or whole families, should be made jointly'

One's bodily autonomy is not a joint decision. And if you want to throw your teddy out the pram because you didn't get your way with his body, you are free to do so. He might consider himself well-rid.

AlbertaSimmons · 06/04/2018 14:49

His vasectomy doesn't affect your fertility. You have the option to move on to another relationship in order to have the third child that you think you want. He doesn't have the option to walk away from a third child that he doesn't want.

The deed is done, what happens next is up to you.

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/04/2018 14:49

It's his body and his choice but it should also be a joint decision in a marriage that you are both happy never to have any more children, so I can see both sides. You don't have the right to force him not to have it but equally he doesn't have the right to force you to stay in the relationship if you feel strongly that it's a dealbreaker. I think, on balance, he's handled it badly and could have done much more to tlk it through with you rather than just going and getting it done knowing you weren't on board with the decision.

Interestingly, when I had my vasectomy the clinic insisted on a meeting with both myself and my wife before they would agree to book me in for the op. They wanted to ensure we were both happy with it before proceeding. I can't remember how strongly they insisted (i.e. if it was absolutely mandatory or just best practice) and it was in Scotland and 20-odd years ago so it may be different now and/or in your area.

ILookedintheWater · 06/04/2018 14:50

YANBU to be disappointed, even to grieve a little.
YABU to try and force him to have another child. As pp have said: having a vasectomy ultimately has to be his choice alone.

serialcheat · 06/04/2018 14:50

You made a joint and shared decision to have a family of two children.....

He's kept his part of the shared and joint decision AND taken responsibility for contraception.

Now you are back tracking and blaming him for the ' loss of your hyperthetical third child '

Wtf !?

EthelHornsby · 06/04/2018 14:50

30 years ago when I was sterilised, I had to have my husband’s signed agreement - because my fertility belonged to him. I’m quite glad things have moved on from that! Everyone should have the right not to have children they do not want

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 14:54

'Interestingly, when I had my vasectomy the clinic insisted on a meeting with both myself and my wife before they would agree to book me in for the op. They wanted to ensure we were both happy with it before proceeding. I can't remember how strongly they insisted (i.e. if it was absolutely mandatory or just best practice) and it was in Scotland and 20-odd years ago so it may be different now and/or in your area.'

My DH had a vasectomy on the NHS in Scotland 8 years ago and went on his own. If he'd have been told he needed another person's permission to control his own reproduction he'd have reported the clinic, quite rightly. My SIL had her tubes tied via NHS Scotland 8 years ago and in no way did they ask her if her partner approved.

WTAF?

Imagine if a woman went for a pregnancy termination and 'the clinic' insisted on her bringing in the one who got her pregnant to see if he were happy with it.

From the OP's latest post I can see why he didn't discuss it further with her.

Juells · 06/04/2018 14:58

From the OP's latest post I can see why he didn't discuss it further with her.

Exactly.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 14:58

As someone who did in fact mice abroad for my DH’s work, I can assure you it’s not the same thing at all.

I am a great proponent for joint decisions in marriage. We have joint accounts etc and yes, it was a joint decision to move abroad.

However making babies is something that requires both parties to make individual decisions. Each party has the absolute power of veto.

Making a baby is not so easily undone as moving home.

He didn’t make the decision behind your back, he was honest.

What you are annoyed about is that he was unbending. You didn’t really want a joint decision, you wanted your decision.

Unfortunately in this case you can’t make this decision alone and he does have the right of veto.

What if you’d accidentally got pregnant? Can you imagine the resentment and recriminations? Not a great way to bring a baby into this world.

TatianaLarina · 06/04/2018 15:02

What you mean is that you wanted more time to persuade him to have another child.

It’s his right to say he doesn’t want more kids. Given you already have 2 not wanting one is always going to trump wanting one.

He could have dragged it out and had endlessly long conversations with you but the end result would be the same.

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 15:04

From the OP's latest post I can see why he didn't discuss it further with her.

I agree. Extremely immature.

TatianaLarina · 06/04/2018 15:04

What you are annoyed about is that he was unbending. You didn’t really want a joint decision, you wanted your decision.

Exactly.

The vasectomy can’t be a joint decision in this case as you don’t want him to have one.

Cornishclio · 06/04/2018 15:05

He obviously feels strongly that he does not want any more children but I agree he should have made his views clear and told you he was going ahead with a vasectomy. Maybe he wanted to make sure there were no accidental pregnancies. If this is a deal breaker for you then you might have to split. You have two healthy children though so I would think carefully before splitting from their Dad over this.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/04/2018 15:06

His body his choice. I suspect I know what caused him to move so quickly oops baby.

Tiddlywinks63 · 06/04/2018 15:09

I agree EthelHornsby
30 years ago I had to have my DH's agreement and signature to have a life-saving hysterectomy, I couldn't believe my ears when the Consultant said he would refuse to proceed without it. Presumably I would have been expected to quietly haemorrhage to death?
Thank goodness things have moved on.
You didn"t want your DH to have any say in his fertility op, I just wonder what would have happened if he refused to allow you to be sterilised if that was what you wanted?

Batmanthedude · 06/04/2018 15:09

If my dh decided on my contraception I would not be happy. I get to decide how I protect myself from pregnancy. I don't want another child so I take contraception into my own hands to ensure I don't.

Your husband has done the same, no accidental pills being missed and surprise babies on the way. He has this right.

It seems he did discuss it with you, you didn't agree, why should your desire come before his?

diddl · 06/04/2018 15:11

" as my xh had a vasectomy before I was ready"

Wtf??

It was a joint decision Op.

You then changed you mind-but he didn't also have to!