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Original poster

Resentment over DH vasectomy

178 replies

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 13:25

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 06/04/2018 15:12

If my dh told me that I wasn't allowed to get sterilised because he might want another child I would show him the door.

This. Discuss, yes. But if you cannot come to an agreement (and as far as he was concerned you HAD come to an agreement, you just started dithering OP!), then the person whose body it is gets the final say.

Sure, you can walk. And then you'll have told your husband that a hypothetical child was more important than he is.

But do what you like, it's clear you don't respect your husband's reproductive autonomy.

backinthatdress · 06/04/2018 15:13

What you are annoyed about is that he was unbending. You didn’t really want a joint decision, you wanted your decision.

^Exactly.

The vasectomy can’t be a joint decision in this case as you don’t want him to have one.^

THIS, your pissed off because he didnt bend to the way you wanted life. HE DOES NOT WANT A THIRD CHILD, and with the way you threw your toys out of the pram in your prev comment i can see why he doesnt want to talk it through with you.

but of course you can go off and have one from the bloke you find on tinder. Idiot.

Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 15:13

I'm off to join Tinder and shag a stranger cos it's my body and why not!

I agree with you OP.. it's a joint decision that needed going over again....

almost choked on my cuppa tea there mind Smile

bloomingrain · 06/04/2018 15:15

I'm having a vasectomy in a little under two weeks, it was a joint decision between myself and my wife, with three children between us and one stepchild we both felt we had enough, she was bemused that she had to attend the initial appointment and sign a bilateral consent form, she was off the opinion that it should be my body my choice, but that seems to be the way they do it here (in Ireland, so obviously different).

While I do believe its my body and ultimately my choice, had my wife expressed any reservation I would not have booked it.

That said and I do understand the upset, but I think you need to work together now, you have two children which is what you planned and agreed on, so I suggest you work on keeping that rather than letting the thoughts of a child you might never have had take over.

BrandNewHouse · 06/04/2018 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedSkyAtNight · 06/04/2018 15:15

DH doesn't want any more children.
OP does want more children.

What joint decision is there that could be made other than not having another child together?

Lovesagin · 06/04/2018 15:17

So op, you've gone "oh shit I didn't want him to have one afterall"

I think more probably normal to have a wobble. Yabvu but you know you are I suspect. Your last reply makes you sound very immature though.

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2018 15:18

This is ground zero, OP.

I suppose now you will have to see how you evolve as a family knowing that you will not have a third child.
You will either grieve and move on and be at peace or not.

I would not spit up your family just to have another baby or because you're angry about not having another bay. Work on healing. That's all you can do now.

Quietlife1979 · 06/04/2018 15:18

Go shag on tinder then...

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2018 15:19

spit Confused
SPLIT up your family.
Of course, you can spit up your family as well, but that's for another thread. Grin

anneoneill · 06/04/2018 15:20

From your last post, the poor fucker already has 3 children to deal with.

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2018 15:23

I'm off to join Tinder and shag a stranger cos it's my body and why not!

Oh my. Is this how you respond to all Big Life Decisions? Maybe there's a reason he didn't want the responsibility of more kids with you if this is how you react to situations which require mature and measured thinking.

CollyWombles · 06/04/2018 15:26

I think some posters are being a bit harsh on the OP. She is upset, she has that right as much as her DH had the right to have a vasectomy.

I think OP, it could have been discussed more but if your DH was adamant he didn't want anymore, there isn't a discussion to be had. It's a no win situation when one person wants more and the other doesn't.

I don't know if you said how old you are op? I have 4dc and am 34 this year. Of late having another plays on my mind but I think for the most part, it's because I'm getting older and that choice will be taken away by nature. My DH also doesn't have any of his own but loves my DC and feels if we had another, it would take away from the 4dc already here.

Having a 3rd is a nice thought, but it's such an awkward number OP. Family holidays and family things in general is usually aimed at 2 adults, 2 children.

Also as much as you feel undervalued as your DH went ahead and had the vasectomy, he could have felt the same about you expecting him not to, when another child isn't what he wants.

I don't think anyone is right or wrong here, I think you both need to sit down, sort it out and move forward.

phoenix1973 · 06/04/2018 15:33

You're lucky. I've got the opposite problem as my partner of 22 years refuses to have the snip.Sad

Ickyockycocky · 06/04/2018 15:35

So many are saying his body his choice end of! I disagree, whether to have more children is a joint decision.

Lovesagin · 06/04/2018 15:37

Incorrect, autonomy over ones reproductive organs sit with the owner of them. The end.

FancyNewBeesly · 06/04/2018 15:37

I think most of the comments here are missing the point.

Of course it’s his body and his choice ultimately to do it or not do it.

Of course it wouldn’t be acceptable to force him to have a child, or for him to insist she took a specific type of contraception

However, they are married and i would never go through with sterilisation unless my DH was completely on board. That doesn’t mean I’d go through with a pregnancy I didn’t want, but permanent decisions like this should be agreed on by both people in my opinion.

chocatoo · 06/04/2018 15:38

I think it's a shame he didn't think to make a deposit to a sperm bank. I would be disappointed if my DH had a vasectomy when he knew that I thought I might like another child - his decision doesn't just impact on himself, it impacts on both of you.
He did what he wanted with his own body but he has to live with the fact that that act has an impact on you.

MessyBun247 · 06/04/2018 15:39

‘Eye opening and indeed liberating as it seems like we should all just be out for ourselves. Thanks so much for changing my whole world view. I'm off to join Tinder and shag a stranger cos it's my body and why not!’.

Not surprised your DH doesn’t want a third child. Sounds like he has 3 already.

diddl · 06/04/2018 15:40

" I disagree, whether to have more children is a joint decision."

It can't be though if opinions differ.

If it was a woman not wanting more-how can she be forced to?

Same in this scenario-how can Ops husband be forced to ttc?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 06/04/2018 15:40

I disagree, whether to have more children is a joint decision.

A joint decision was made - not to have any more children. Then the OP has unilaterally moved the goalposts into the next county.

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/04/2018 15:40

I've sort of been where you are OP. We originally wanted between 2 and 4 children. We had fertility issues that meant we started a bit later than we wanted and then had 2 babies only a year apart. We decided with two young babies and DH having turned 40 and me 35 and in the midst of tiredness and chaos that that was it and he booked a vasectomy. By the time the operation came, I really had thoughts that I'd like another. Not really rational thoughts more just hormones I think. He definitely didn't and went ahead. I did feel quite sad and a bit resentful for a while but it passed and it was definitely the right decision.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 06/04/2018 15:41

You're lucky. I've got the opposite problem as my partner of 22 years refuses to have the snip

Me too, I'd love DP to get the snip but he won't.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 06/04/2018 15:41

If you display the same attitude in real life as in your last post I can see exactly why he just took himself off without further discussion Hmm
That aside he has taken responsibility for his fertility as he knows he is done with reproducing-good for him. Why don't you think for a minute about what is best for the whole of your family before you start throwing the phrase 'deal breaker' around, do you honestly think the two children you already have will benefit from you splitting with their father to satisfy your desire for a 3rd child?

Holycrapwhatnow · 06/04/2018 15:41

How would you feel if an angry father of two posted that he and his wife had agreed on 2 kids, then he'd changed his mind and wanted 3, but now had she's had her tubes tied, betraying him utterly, and he might as well go and shag a stranger on Tindr?

The two DCs you already have are lovely and a blessing. 3 DCs can be lovely too, but is also very busy and not something to undertake unless both parents are on board. You have a lot, and hope you can get past this.