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Original poster

Resentment over DH vasectomy

178 replies

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 13:25

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

OP posts:
Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 08:17

The OP wasn't talking about sterilisation being right or not right for her, she was wanting to make that decision for another person.

There's a big difference and that's what people have pointed out.

Barkingbear · 07/04/2018 08:27

Exactly! There is a big difference. That's why it's pointless drawing comparisons between them.
Of course everyone is entitled to be in control of their contraception, but I think it takes a certain sort of person to make a permanent decision even though they know that their partner is not 100% on board.

Juells · 07/04/2018 09:08

you changed your mind but he ignored that

Oh boo hoo

Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 09:26

Barkingbear - so you think people should have children they don't want?

serialcheat · 07/04/2018 09:49

@Barkingbear

Why are you hammering down on the husbsnd, in an underhand way !?

Your statement: ' It takes a certain sort of person to make a permanent decision even though they know their partner is %100 on board ' could equally apply to the Op, maybe even more so !!!

A vasectomy can be reversed with some degree of success, a third child can't be.

Meanwhile, over on Tinder.......

serialcheat · 07/04/2018 09:50

NOT on board.......

differentnameforthis · 07/04/2018 10:43

The op changed her mind. People are allowed to change their minds!! Of course they are, and they do. But the ops''s dh didn't change his mind.

If others were sure that vasectomy/sterilisation is for them-great! But the op didn't and doesn't feel that way. The husband WAS sure, so unfortunately, her feelings don't override his.

but I think it takes a certain sort of person to make a permanent decision even though they know that their partner is not 100% on board. be interesting to know what "sort" of person you think that is, @Barkingbear, because I did just that. Dh felt we could have had more. Me, categorically not. So I was sterilised. Best thing I did, actually. Thankfully, dh is a grown up, so he knows that my feelings are important!

I am also the child of a parent who didn't want me. I had to live with her for 18yrs and it was hell. I left home as soon as I could and we haven't spoken for almost 30yrs.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 11:36

Many people don't think of their children as replaceable like that. If anything happened to either of my children I still wouldn't want any more. Because I don't want any more

Having another would never replace the child you lost. Every child is unique. That's not what I was saying, but had an unfortunate tragedy occurred (While I was young enough to have another), I would have done.

It's an individual choice ...It's not a mathematical equation with only one correct answer.

@expatmatt78

I see the coil being fitted as very minor compared to a vasectomy.
A mild word of warning ... This sex stand off can lead the marriage to a slippery soap and coming back from it will or could be difficult. I wouldn't allow anyone to force me to have any operation no matter how minor.

I've got a coil and it's no big deal... but your personal choice of course.

IrianOfW · 07/04/2018 12:20

He did nothing wrong looking at it logically but I totally understand your distress. He could have waited a few years and done it then but if he was 100% sure what would be the point? And meanwhile there might have been an oops-baby which could be a deal-breaker for him. He has told you unequivocally what he wants and ensured it will happen. You just have to decide whether your existing family is more important that one with more children and no H.

differentnameforthis · 07/04/2018 14:45

It's very final getting sterilized and up to a certain age.. I always felt if anything happened to any of our DC...I would have another one That to me sounds very mathematical and cold.

Userwho · 07/04/2018 14:54

It's very final getting sterilized and up to a certain age.. I always felt if anything happened to any of our DC...I would have another one
I lost a sibling as a teenager and because of that experience I agree with the above. It's the opposite of mathematical and cold...babies bring so much hope and joy.

expatmatt78 · 07/04/2018 15:28

@sandyy2k you're right and I do get that however it's more about the assumption that it's all my responsibility and no other options will even be discussed IYSWIM

PrimalLady · 07/04/2018 16:16

I don't see why it should be a joint decision. Nothing gives you a right to any say whatsoever when it comes to someone else's body

deadringer · 07/04/2018 16:37

Yes it is his body and it is his right to do what he wants with it, but imo in a loving, equal relationship how many children you have together should be a joint decision. My dh and I decided together that we were finished and he decided to have a vasectomy on foot of that. I would be hurt and upset in your shoes op.

Dancingleopard · 07/04/2018 16:43

What if you can’t come up with a joint decision though? You actuslly cant force some one to have a child. They have the final say

Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 17:03

They made a joint decision to stop at 2, it's in the OP. The OP then thought she might want another but the DH didn't. I don't think it would be an 'equal loving relationship' for her wants to trump his.

Orangeseed · 07/04/2018 17:26

I feel for the OP, I don't think a person should be keeping secrets as big as having an irreversible (yes I know it's not totally) medical procedure. Yes it's his body, but it's both of their relationship and family. Equally no she shouldn't have a baby without him wanting it.
Sometimes married couples don't agree on big things, but they should discuss at length, until they agree on a compromise. He should have waited, not so she could get "accidentally pregnant" but so that she felt equal in their relationship.
Also as an aside, I think my family is complete, my husband thinks our family is complete, if he had a vasectomy I would still feel a little sad, if I had the menopause I would feel sad, it's the finality of it.

Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 17:39

It wasn't a secret. He booked it with the full knowledge of the OP and it was carried out on Tuesday.

Where have you got the secret from?

gluteustothemaximus · 07/04/2018 17:47

I wish DH would have a vasectomy, but he won’t. And I have to accept that.

Petrified contraception will fail, as do not want any more children or another pregnancy. A vasectomy would be so much easier, but his body, so no say.

I can understand you’re upset. It’s tricky if you’re both on different pages. Luckily we both wanted 3, and that’s what we have.

Walkingthedog46 · 07/04/2018 18:11

When my husband had a vasectomy 30 years ago, the GP insisted We attend the appointment together to confirm we were both on board with the decision before he would refer us to the surgeon. Then, once again I had to attend the appointment with the surgeon where, I kid you not, we were practically grilled about our reasons for wanting a vasectomy.

WaxOnFeckOff · 07/04/2018 18:35

Walking the GP suggested similar to DH when he had his 16 years ago and our response was that if it was easy for us both to attend the appointment, we wouldn't be needing the vasectomy. :o DH just told him I was on board which i mostly was.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2018 18:46

'I've got a coil and it's no big deal... but your personal choice of course.'

I got one and it was a major big deal. I bled and bled and bled for 10 months straight, I developed cystic acne on my shoulders and back, my mood sunk so low I started to think about suicide and I completely lost my sex drive. I was fobbed off for months and months whilst they told me to let it 'settle'.

Others I know who had a copper coil bled heavily and had awful periods for a year or more.

lunar1 · 07/04/2018 18:49

There is no compromise Wien you disagree about children, one person gets their way and the other doesn't. The person that gets their way should always be the one who doesn't want more children.

expatmatt78 · 07/04/2018 21:35

@expatinscotland this is why I'm nervous I've heard both positive and negative from friends about it. And although it's not as serious a procedure as a vasectomy it IS invasive to my body as is pumping myself full of hormones so it really should be a joint decision / discussion if both sides don't want more kids

Juells · 07/04/2018 21:45

I got one and it was a major big deal. I bled and bled and bled for 10 months straight, I developed cystic acne on my shoulders and back, my mood sunk so low I started to think about suicide and I completely lost my sex drive. I was fobbed off for months and months whilst they told me to let it 'settle'.

My daughter had a 5-year one fitted a few months ago and has had problems as well, she's wanting to have it taken out now. She says 'down there' feels like her knee or her elbow, and loonytunes for a week every month.

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