Resentment over DH vasectomy

[Kerrylu]

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

His vasectomy doesn't affect your fertility. You have the option to move on to another relationship in order to have the third child that you think you want. He doesn't have the option to walk away from a third child that he doesn't want.

^ This!

I'm sick of reading on here about men who are adamant that they don't want any more children but who don't bother to wear a condom, or try to bully their wives into taking hormonal contraception or even having an abortion. I therefore admire your husband for taking responsibility for his own fertility.

He has done to her what he didn't want to happen to him - taken the decision completely out of her hands.

The thing is, it is only in her hands to decide that she would like another baby.

She can’t decide for him that he would like another baby.

While obviously it’s something a couple should discuss together, you could discuss it to the ends of the earth and never change his mind. In the meantime an accidental pregnancy is always a risk.

He took responsibility for removing that risk.

While it’s sad that the OP can’t have what she wants, that’s life. She already has two lovely children.

I hope that she can get past this and move on.

A woman has a right over her own body by having an abortion.

A man has the right over his own body by having a vasectomy.

Best in a relationship to talk about these things and come to a mutual decision. However, life is not always that simple, or a fairy tale.

World population is over the top anyway, and climate change is happening with everything that entails.

I personally stopped at 1 child. Also financials. and he's got a huge extended family in about 3 different countries

I'm intrigued by the idea that when in a marriage you lose body autonomy... Does this only apply to reproductive organs? Or does my dh have some sort of ownership over my other organs to?

I'm intrigued by the idea that when in a marriage you lose body autonomy

You don't, but having children is something you do together, therefore in my opinion, neither party should get sterilised without a full and frank discussion first.

I had a vasectomy few years ago ( worst thing ever left with more or less constant pain had had operation to try and sort it out not always the quick fix we think ) anyway 100% we did not want any more kids really can't explain the feeling after i'd done it it wasn't regret didn't want any more kids but it was so final and a choice you have had for years had all of a sudden gone. Felt very unsettled for a long time about my decision but would of been horrified at a pregnancy such a strange feeling and really didn't understand it lasted for a long time but then hit 40 and thought too old and too bigger age gap between kids so felt alright with it then . Hope this helps

Hi op, I really do feel for you.
I posted a few months ago about this exact same topic and I got some really good advice on this board.
My husband had a vasectomy after 2 children even though I would have liked a third.
Although I whole heartedly agree that it should be "my body, my choice" for men and women, in reality it's not always as black and white as that.
Before 'vasectomygate' I felt that my husband and I had a really good strong marriage. I felt I could trust him with my feelings and my future.
After the vasectomy our marriage was left in a tail spin. Did he respect me? Did he respect my feelings? Did he even love me? Of course he still did but the anger and grief for what could have been distorted my feelings.
I'm sure my husband felt exactly the same.
He's since told me that the thought that he had caused so much hurt to somebody he loved was overwhelming.
Eventually after years of this destructive behaviour I ended up having 2 mental breakdowns (admittedly we did have a lot of other stressful life events going on too, but I truly believe this was the main trigger)
It's really easy for others on MN to tell you what an awful, controlling and immature person you are...the truth is you are a real person full of hurt and anger who really doesn't need other posters telling you how awful you are. I'm sure you feel pretty awful already.
Obviously your husband, like mine, made his choice (and it was his choice). It would definitely have been nice to have had some input into a decision that would affect the whole family but it's now time to try and heal as a couple if you can.
Don't trivialise feelings (yours or his), and please try to talk with him about how much you are hurting and allow him to talk to you in return.
I also attended councelling sessions to help me move past the vasectomy and that really helped too.
Hope you are feeling much more optimistic about things soon xxx

@Barkingbear

She did have input and an investment in the decision, to limit the family to two children.

The husband then carried out the end of the decision making progress by taking responsibility for contraception and have the V.

Then Op threw her toys out if the pram and is contemplating a possible end to the marriage because she's backtracking.......

Then makes duplicitous and silly remarks about shagging around on Tinder.....I do wonder what she'd make of things if her husband had posted, and finished with a sarky ' I can always fuck around on Tinder, it's my body '

She has two beautiful children and a responsible husband.......

The husband has two beautiful children and a spoilt brat......

I'm with you op and have been in your shoes.
As far as I'm concerned, it should have been a joint decision but it wasn't (same as yours - you changed your mind but he ignored that). The status quo is not no more children, it's don't do anything irreversible until you both agree. Until then use another method of contraception.
My respect for dh has never recovered and we are together now only for the children.

I don’t understand why some ones else’s fertility is a joint discussion. It isn’t.

Can you honestly believe if a man came in here and said ‘I want my wife to have another baby but she doesn’t want to because of many reasons but I won’t let her have autonomy over her own body so I do t let her rest..

He would get hammered

A joint discussion is not the same as a joint decision surely.

*accept your decision of no more-what difference would getting sterilised make?.

It's very final getting sterilized and up to a certain age.. I always felt if anything happened to any of our DC...I would have another one.

He would be hoping for a contraceptive failure?

Probably...and knowing he wanted another child...I would have put the marriage at serious risk if I had a termination. Don't think we could come back from that.

Counselling may help you OP.

You see a woman can always make a pregnancy happen if she wants to ... if a man doesn't want any more children ...a vasectomy is the way to go.

There was a thread last week about babies born 'accidentally'
...through trickery by women.

" There was a thread last week about babies born ' accidentally '....... Through trickery, by women "

🤔 Surely not.

Not denying he has autonomy over his own body.

But wouldn't it have been better to discuss, and say, no, i don't want any more, but let's wait a year or two and are out of the exhausted can't-think-straight baby stage.....

What if one of their kids dies? What if she decides it's a deal breaker for her and he realises he's rather stay married and have another kid than lose her?

Sterilisation within a family context needs discussing. Most HCP's would ask if partner was OK with this decision (whiel still acknowledging it was his decision) and also often suggest waiting a year or two if youngest child is still very young. I know I wasn't up for making such big decisions in the fog of the first year of babyhood!

What if one of their kids dies?

Fucking hell. Do you really think you can just replace your deceased child with another child? What an utterly idiotic comment to make.

**Can you honestly believe if a man came in here and said ‘I want my wife to have another baby but she doesn’t want to because of many reasons but I won’t let her have autonomy over her own body so I do t let her rest..

He would get hammered**

^This. There are so many hypocrites on this thread

The common consensus here on mn is it’s your body, your decision. This is most obviously presented in all the posts about one partner wanting sex and the other not wanting it. The prevailing wisdom is thevpartner who wants it needs to either

1. Stfu
2. Talk, do chores and suck it up
3. Divorce

In your case (and indeed the vexed question of mismatched sex drives) regarding fertility and childbirth I think it’s far more nuanced and complicated. If you want a thriving, supportive nurturing marriage, these decisions should be created with consensus in mind. It would have done hubby no great harm to delay the decision.

He's done the right thing, anyone who says otherwise is a hypocrite unless they believe that a husband has control over his wife's body too.

OP is up to her armpits in Tinder now.

There is NOTHING in the op that suggests the husband did it behind op's back, so can we stop with that, please?

his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision it should be a joint discussion, but what a person does with, and to their own body is up to them. He doesn't want to father anymore children. He did something about it.

Pay a sperm doner hunny or at least suggest a conversation about getting one. Stupid idea...the whole point of the vasectomy is that her dh doesn't want anymore children. How will op having a baby with someone else help?

it seems like we should all just be out for ourselves. That is not what anyone is saying. But controlling how many children you produce is always going to be a very individual thing. I terminated my third pregnancy, dh wanted to continue it, my choice. I got sterilized when my youngest was 2, because I didn't want anymore children or "accidents". My dh would like more. He accepts that I don't, because he is a grown up.

I'm off to join Tinder and shag a stranger cos it's my body and why not! You are naive if you think that's comparable to a vasectomy! You are being childish.

I always felt if anything happened to any of our DC...I would have another one. Many people don't think of their children as replaceable like that. If anything happened to either of my children I still wouldn't want any more. Because I don't want any more kids. It's not like cars..."ohhh we are a 2 car family

I'd think about another kid if one of mine died. If only because I know how lonely it is to the be sibling left behind. If they were young, a new child WHILE IN NO WAY A REPLACEMENT could bring a lot of joy..plenty of people have more kids after they've lost one.

It's a horrible thought, but it does happen.

If a man has a vasesctomy he really really doesn't want another child. You cannot help how you feel OP however I think the feelings of resentment will pass. I know some women who miss sex pre vasectomy though as they say it isn't the same. Hopefully you won't notice a difference though and hopefully he won't have any long term complications. On the positive you know longer have to take the risks and burden of contraception and you can plan your the rest of your life with two children.

I have the opposite problem - DH adamantly doesn't want more DC but shuts down any discussion about him having the snip - won't even discuss - even when my GP stopped prescribing me the pill due to age and other issues and I was talking about my fear of having the coil fitted . Right now we're in a standoff no sex for months as we're not currently protected and I don't see why it should be me having sole responsibility for contraception by taking hormones or having invasive procedures when he won't even discuss alternatives

The op changed her mind. People are allowed to change their minds!!
If others were sure that vasectomy/sterilisation is for them-great! But the op didn't and doesn't feel that way. Stop projecting your experience of sterilisation on to others. Everyone is different.
Just because you may not agree doesn't mean the op doesn't have a right to be upset- and grieving makes you say and do silly things.
It's a big deal, not a small inconsequential decision.
I think people are being unecessarily hard on op.