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Original poster

Resentment over DH vasectomy

178 replies

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 13:25

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

OP posts:

diddl · 06/04/2018 17:38

" I think if it for sterilized he would have gone mad ....but I told him I wasn't having any more. He wasn't happy about it ...but he had no choice but to accept it."

So if he had to accept your decision of no more-what difference would getting sterilised make?

He would be hoping for a contraceptive failure?

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 17:42

'I wasn't aware we need your permission to express a viewpoint either. '

Who's this we you keep referring to ?

Cavender · 06/04/2018 17:42

(as he knows she may now leave him)

Cant do you really think it’s right to blackmail a man into a child? A child which he will have to contribute time and money towards (neither of which may be available) on the threat of divorce?

NB: I’m not saying the OP is blackmailing her DH, I’m just asking for Cant’s view as her post seems to imply this.

The OP’s DH might think they don’t have room for a third child, can’t afford to feed/clothe/educate a third child, may think that the family can’t really cope with a third child?

He may have good reason for thinking that the existing children’s lives will be substantially changed by having a third child.

I know lots of happy three child families.

I also know several families who tbh couldn’t cope with the two children they had and should never had had the third.

Cabininthewoods69 · 06/04/2018 17:43

Her choice if she leaves him and I understand why she would. So she can just go and get pregnant by artificial means and because it's her body then that's ok? And he would be extreme to leave her

PookieDo · 06/04/2018 17:45

@Juells it was my assumption from saying his actions would break up the family so that raises another point - did he really know this before he had it done? Did he go into it knowing you feel this would break up your family? Or did you feel this way after he had it done, at the point of no return. It is too blurry to tell how honest you were with him or what assumptions he made based on what you said when you say ‘not on the same page’, which is not s definitive ‘if you do this then I do not see a future’ If he did not know you would react like this then he possibly feels totally shitty about it.
I just feel uncomfortable labelling him as some kind of selfish wanker.
Did you ask him to wait? Again, not clear so saying he’s out of order for not giving it time is also not very fair

Juells · 06/04/2018 17:51

@PookieDo - are you mixing me up with another poster?

wildduckhunt · 06/04/2018 17:51

I don't understand your argument @Cabininthewoods69

If she leaves him, that's on her and he's better off without her. If she gets herself pregnant with donor sperm he would of course be entitled to leave her because she can't just change the rules of the game like that when he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to parent another child. It's her body, and her choice etc. but it doesn't mean he has to accept an unrelated child into his life particularly one that's been born to a special kind of childish fool that would react to a vasectomy in that way

whywhywhywhywhyyy · 06/04/2018 17:55

His body, his choice. He's not there to pump out sperm for you.

SalsaLala · 06/04/2018 17:58

OP I’m in a similar position, DP and I have just had our second baby. We agreed on two before we even started TTC our first. I would now, in an ideal world, love a third. DP still just wants two and is booked in for a vasectomy. That’s his choice, it’s me that’s changed the goal posts and while I’d love him to turn around and say he wants another, I respect his decision. We have two beautiful healthy children and are very lucky, and I’m trying to focus on enjoying what we have to look forward to rather than mourning the loss of the newborn stage

PookieDo · 06/04/2018 18:00

Possibly sorry. I said that ‘knowing she would leave him’ which none of us know whether he did in fact, know this or whether she will leave him although she sounds like she’s considering it

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/04/2018 18:09

Salsa for me it really did pass and i'm glad now that we didn't. I have one about to go to Uni and the other potentially going next year, DP and I are in our 50s, our teens are amazingly "good" but they are also emotionally draining! It's tiring supporting this constant round of exams, DofE, Uni applications etc. Possibly feels more since ours are so close together and obviously if a 3rd baby had happened we would have loved them just the same as the other two, but if I'm honest, I'm glad I don't have another. If we had been younger then who knows and obviously everyone needs to do what is right for them. Babies are definitely easier than teenagers but I like parenting teenagers better :)

Dancingmonkey87 · 06/04/2018 18:14

Why is it a joint decision when it's a man getting a vasectomy but if it's a woman wanting an abortion that her partner doesn't want her to have, no one says she should listen to him. Nobody has any say over another person's body male or female

This with bells on!

hammeringinmyhead · 06/04/2018 18:17

I don't think it's relevant that women "carry the load" of a pregnancy. That's an argument for a woman who doesn't want any more children when her partner does, not the other way around. It's a slippery slope from that to saying women have more right to say no to children than men.

Juells · 06/04/2018 18:31

Hahaha just noticed WaxOnFeckOff's name

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 19:13

Who's this we you keep referring to

You mean its only me who needs your approval to express an opinion? I feel very special.

I honestly have no idea what your beef is.

Disagree with my views all you want but I will express them.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 19:26

'I honestly have no idea what your beef is.

Disagree with my views all you want but I will express them. '

And I honestly have no idea where I or anyone else said you are not free to express an opinion but if you're going to express one why not do it in your own right and own that rather than telling other posters what 'we' should or shouldn't do.

Ickyockycocky · 06/04/2018 19:30

Lovesagin you said Incorrect, autonomy over ones reproductive organs sit with the owner of them. The end

This is merely your opinion.

Cantdoright1 · 06/04/2018 19:30

Calendar, it's not right for OP to blackmail her DH into a child no, but neither is it right for him to now blackmail her into not having one. He has done to her what he didn't want to happen to him - taken the decision completely out of her hands.

And LTB is just a waste of effort typing. Marriage is hard work and lots of compromise and they have kids to consider. So leaving wouldn't be easy based on this alone.

And people please stop saying she can use donor sperm. As someone whose done that please know it isn't easy to do at all, lead times are long and costs extortionate. And before anyone says it a one night stand would not be an option for alot of people. It's not just wanting a child, it's wanting your partner's child and having to use a donor has some serious implications for the whole family.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 19:30

but if you're going to express one why not do it in your own right and own that rather than telling other posters what 'we' should or shouldn't do

I was.

"we should" != "you must". Well not where I come from anyway.

wildduckhunt · 06/04/2018 19:34

This is merely your opinion.

Are you suggesting that anyone other than the person the organs are attached to has any say over what should happen with them?

He has done to her what he didn't want to happen to him
That is such a false equivalence. Not having the third child is the status quo, having a third child is a definite change in circumstances. It's like comparing deciding to stay unmarried to deciding to get married. You cannot force the economic or emotional responsibility of a child on someone just because you fancy it, and if you feel that strongly that it's a deal breaker then you shouldn't go changing the goalposts from two children to three/accept that there can't be a compromise that involves having the kid anyway because it's always fun and games when the kid finds out (as they always do) that dad didn't want them in the first place.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 19:36

' Incorrect, autonomy over ones reproductive organs sit with the owner of them. The end

This is merely your opinion.'

It's not an opinion, it's enshrined in law in many ways. Coercing or forcing someone to become pregnant or over their reproductive choices is recognised as domestic abuse.

gamerchick · 06/04/2018 19:38

Lovesagin you said Incorrect, autonomy over ones reproductive organs sit with the owner of them. The end

This is merely your opinion

I properly laughed at that.

‘I own your sperm motherfucker’ serious boggles all round.

Ickyockycocky · 06/04/2018 19:45

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce these days. It's every man/woman for themselves. What happened to discussing things?

Idontdowindows · 06/04/2018 19:48

What happened to discussing things?

Read the OP. They did. They had decided, together, no more children.

She unilaterally wanted to overturn the joint decision. He protected himself.

serialcheat · 06/04/2018 19:53

Op, how old are you !? I'm guessing about seventeen !?

And how's the Tinder insemination program going !?

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