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Original poster

Resentment over DH vasectomy

178 replies

Kerrylu · 06/04/2018 13:25

Hi. Just needed a little rant. My DH, well H at least lol, and I have 2 beautiful children and had always planned for that to be it. However since having baby 2 last year I've been more inclined towards possibly having a third. DH went ahead and booked a vasectomy which was carried out on Tue. He knew I had doubts and wasn't on the same page as him any more but said as he feels so strongly that he is done and it's his body it was his right to proceed anyway. He says he did it for the benefit of the family but I'm feeling so angry and resentful now that for me I think it might be what breaks up our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the children we have and actually it's not the loss of my hypothetical third child that upsets me so much as his disregard and lack of respect for my opinion on what should have been a joint decision, or at least I think it should have been. AIBU.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 06/04/2018 15:45

He's gone about this totally the wrong way. While it is ultimately his choice, he shouldn't have done it behind your back and presented it as a fait accompli. I can understand why you are angry. I really think you two need counselling to talk it all through.

Quartz2208 · 06/04/2018 15:45

I think you are bringing together two issues

the right to 100% decide what you do with your own physical body
decisions that affect the family as a whole and need to be discussed

You of course have the absolute right to shag a stranger on tinder - it is your body. Your husband has the absolute right to have a vasectomy - it is his body. Both of these do have an impact though and its up to the other person as to how that affects them.

The problem is that another child is an absolute yes or no and not something that can be undone. Moving abroad - if you dont like it you can come back, a new job your dont like, moving house all the same decisions you can (within reason) rectify. Another child is literally for life. its a yes or no decision and not a compromise

He was ABSOLUTELY certain he was not going to change his mind you were unsure. Here absolutely certain wins out.

Didiusfalco · 06/04/2018 15:45

I would urge you op, to enjoy what you do have and not to waste your time (and your dcs childhoods) feeling bitter about what you don’t have.

3stonedown · 06/04/2018 15:45

Another one who can see why he didn't discuss is further with you...

Unfortunately the person who doesn't want a child always trumps the one that does

Clandestino · 06/04/2018 15:46

So you were generally only considering a third child.
Previously you both agreed, two children were enough.
Your husband went and booked and had vasectomy, thus exercising to decide what happens to his body and his ability to reproduce.
You are very BU and very childish.

amusedbush · 06/04/2018 15:47

Unfortunately the person who doesn't want a child always trumps the one that does

Came here to say exactly this.

BlondeB83 · 06/04/2018 15:52

He must have been certain to have gone ahead with it, YABU. IF it's a deal breaker for you then fair enough but it sounds like more children was a deal breaker for him.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 15:54

I have a male friend who would love a third child.

His wife doesn’t want one.

It’s a pretty short conversation.

diddl · 06/04/2018 15:56

Well that's the thing isn't it?

If a woman doesn't want another I'm pretty sure that no one would tell her that she should for her partner's sake.

Just because a man doesn't get pregnant & give birth though it seems that it's more acceptable that they should father more children than they want to?

thethoughtfox · 06/04/2018 16:00

You are understandably devastated and bitter. Yes these decisions should be made jointly. However, whomever's body is involved always gets the final say. If this was an abortion that he didn't want but you did, people would have sided with you as it's your body and you have final say.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 16:00

Imagine if a woman went for a pregnancy termination and 'the clinic' insisted on her bringing in the one who got her pregnant to see if he were happy with it

I think a better analogy is if she went to be sterilised. Pregnancy is another level of bodily impact.

I was told I couldn't be sterilised without my OH being involved because "women change their minds". I hadn't actually asked to be sterilised but was at the stage where I wasn't planning more children.

When OH went to ask about sterilisation he was advised that I should be involved in the decision. It wasn't a matter of giving consent but a strong recommendation that a couple should be in agreement and think through all the implications. If there were doubts then advice was to user other forms of family planning and return to the discussion after 12 months.

I don't think that was bad advice - I've seen a few relationships break down over this where a pause of time would seen the same decision made without the resentment on one side (male or female)

Ultimately yes he has the right to make the decision, similarly the OP has the right not to live with it if its a deal breaker.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 16:04

That’s exactly my point Diddl

We are always saying that men need to take responsibility for their own fertility. The OP’s husband has.

I do understand she feels that she should have a say, but if he’s dead against another child then he’s only taken responsibility against accidents.

My view on this might be a bit more sympathetic if the couple didn’t already have children.

Juells · 06/04/2018 16:14

All my adult life I've understood that women are oppressed if they don't have control of their own fertility. If that's what we demand as our right, the same right must be given to men.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 16:14

Imagine if a woman went for a pregnancy termination and 'the clinic' insisted on her bringing in the one who got her pregnant to see if he were happy with it

We should not be comparing ending a pregnancy with male sterilisation - it just clouds the issue. The direct comparison is female sterilisation.

Even then, its not an equal comparison as men and women do not bear equal load of pregnancy, childbirth and childcare.

swingofthings · 06/04/2018 16:31

I genuinely thought decisions impacting both partners, or whole families, should be made jointly
Would you have that same attitude if you'd got pregnant and he'd asked you to have an abortion? Of course, you would have said, it's my body, I do what I want and I want to keep that baby. There would have been no decision made jointly.

He probably went ahead because he was waiting for you to trick him with contraception. When you really really really don't want another child, then it's the right thing to do to make sure it doesn't happen.

By the way, OH and I agreed to do IVF but he said he wanted to wait a year. I agreed even though I was desperate. A year later, he said he'd changed his mind and could see himself going through it and being a dad. I was massively disappointed but never resentful of angry. It was unfortunate that he had changed his mind, but you can't force someone to be a parent when they don't want to be, end of.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2018 16:38

'We should not be comparing ending a pregnancy with male sterilisation - it just clouds the issue. The direct comparison is female sterilisation.'

I wasn't aware that HQ had appointed you moderator, able to dictate how and what others post, how curious We can compare any form of reproduction we like, the fact is a person can and should have full autonomy over his/her reproduction.

Any HCP who tells a person he/she cannot have a procedure to end their fertility and/or use a form of birth control they prefer without their partner at the time being involved should be reported.

PookieDo · 06/04/2018 16:40

Firstly she never said he went behind her back. She only had a baby last year and seems they’ve discussed it after that, then he’s had it done recently as he likely had to wait. I think it’s unfair to make it seem like he did it without your knowledge as your OP says that you knew about it, but had changed your mind. That must have been a really difficult position you put him in. He had decided on having a medical procedure only for you to change your mind, it must have been actually hard for him to go through with it knowing you may react like this. In. Itself it goes to show how serious he feels about it. This is not just about you - like others have said, he hasn’t taken away your fertility. He has removed his.

When I was sterilised I refused to answer questions about what any partner wants. I asked 3 years ago and was fobbed off. When I had another procedure done earlier this year I asked it was done then and said I had 3 years to think about it, my body my choice. I would have been angry to have had to take my partner in, as if I am incapable of making my own choices re my own body

Dissimilitude · 06/04/2018 16:47

You can discuss it all you want, but at the end of the day, these "discussions" are a courtesy - this isn't a joint decision any more than it would be if you had an abortion, or didn't want to consent to sex.

In any situation like this, the rule is autonomy over your own body / fertility.

What if you'd discussed it endlessly and you refused to accept his decision? What then, do you get to veto it?

Now, you have every right to react to his actions however you like. If it's a deal breaker for you for your husband to have had a vasectomy, then so be it.

It seems to me that even if he hadn't had the procedure (to humour you), he'd have been extremely reluctant to have more children. Would you want to have another child knowing that?

Fatandfrigid · 06/04/2018 16:55

Your disappointment is understandable but your petulant response to all the contributions here is very telling.

wildduckhunt · 06/04/2018 17:03

Ignoring the massive childishness of the OP following that update, if he doesn't want a third child it doesn't matter if he has the vasectomy or not. He has every right to control his own fertility, and what kind of nutter would deliberately try to foist a child on someone who has made their position clear? Surely where a couple disagree on the child-having, the default position is to then side with the person who doesn't want the child, rather than carry on anyway and force parenthood on someone who doesn't want it in the hope that 1) the child will never find out they weren't wanted 2) the reluctant parent was just being a bit daft and will have no choice but to love the child once they're here. Selfish in the extreme.

Mitzimaybe · 06/04/2018 17:13

If you had both always agreed that you wanted to have, say, six children, then he went and got a vasectomy after two, then you'd have a point. But you'd both always agreed that you wanted two. You then changed your mind, he didn't. He is sticking to the original agreement - remember, the joint one which the two of you both signed up to.

If you're feeling broody then it's natural you'll be miffed and upset by this, but don't take it out on him - he's not the one being unreasonable.

Cantdoright1 · 06/04/2018 17:28

I agree with you OP. He shouldn't have got it done. He should have given you more time to fully come to terms with his feelings. Your a family FFS. It's not about him anymore. Why don't people wonder why no more kids was more important to him than living with his wife and kids as a family unit (as he knows she may now leave him)? That's the decision but the other way round that OP now has to make.

And the poster who didn't do IVF because her partner didn't want to is insane. My partner's sub fertile and didn't want to do IVF but I wanted a family more than anything. Eventually we got our 2 kids that he says he wouldn't be without and he feels very guilty he gave up when the going got tough and didn't really help in getting the best 2 things in his life. I really hope you don't split up when your too old to be fertile and regret never having children because of him. That was my fear.

Good luck OP. I know it's not easy to think of leaving when you have 2 kids already but it's hard to forgive. At the end of the day I'd feel completely let down too and like he's being selfish. You didn't ask for a third child you just said you were unsure about the vasectomy.

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 17:34

I wasn't aware that HQ had appointed you moderator, able to dictate how

Huh? I wasn't aware we need your permission to express a viewpoint either.

I stand by it - ending a pregnancy and sterilisation are in no way comparable.

Any HCP who tells a person he/she cannot have a procedure to end their fertility and/or use a form of birth control they prefer without their partner at the time being involved should be reported.

Where have I said otherwise?

Juells · 06/04/2018 17:34

as he knows she may now leave him

Where did you see that the OP said that to him? She said she thinks it might be what breaks up our family. Seems a bit extreme, but there ya go...

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 17:34

He didn't go behind her back as has been suggested. They agreed and she had a change of heart.

It would be very different if the discussion never took place and snuk off to get it done and only told her after the fact.

My SIL had a procedure which meant no more kids. Except she never discussed it with DB. While he didn't leave her there and then .. he was resentful and ultimately filed for a D. That's a very different situation...she took a unilateral decision .. yet many will still say it's her choice.

I didn't want any more..DH did. I think if it for sterilized he would have gone mad ....but I told him I wasn't having any more. He wasn't happy about it ...but he had no choice but to accept it.

Knowing how women 'accidentally' get pregnant... he's done the best thing knowing he didn't want more kids.

I've a friend who wanted her DH to get the snip (after 4 DC) and he refused ...saying who knows the future and if they split up he might want more kids with a new partner.

She wasn't impressed.... but I could see his point. I didn't say that to her obviously.

One of the school mum's was fuming when her DH did what the OPs husband did.... but they had 5 DC. She kept trying for a girl. They planned on 3 and she pushed him for the other 2. She did confess she would have kept going until she got a girl.

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