Bring on the Spring Flings. It's Dating Thread 132!

[VetOnCall]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

thanks eskimo I think I am in for similar...

thanks love and choc I relaxed a bit and he did reply when I was having my nails done. I actually turn my phone off during my nail appointments so it worked well as I wasnt tempted to reply straight away. I am not sure if it was a change as such or just that he was busy but I am going to be careful now and just see what happens.

jax I also have the same problem with hours which doesnt help. I work long hours but only Mon-Fri and start early to finish more or less on time. He works shifts and up to 80 hours a week and is on call a lot. I think maybe it will just take some adjusting.

I think a lot of people have issues with work hours, there are so many jobs now that are not 9-5. In some ways Mr Tinders hours work out well for me but in other ways they don’t, we can’t really spend a night together other than the odd sat night as he works nights, I feel as though I’m missing out on the ‘waking up next to someone’ thing and the morning sex but it means I can see him during the day when he decides to wake up as often I’m working early evening shifts. I am hoping that of things do work out he will change his hours but for now he does try hard to squeeze me into he’s schedule (probably harder than I try and squeeze him into mine).

Minnie glad he messaged you back, I hate the waiting for replies on WhatsApp, Mr Tinder is the first one I haven’t used WhatsApp with, we talk on messenger but it’s still frustrating sometimes when I see he is online but hasn’t messaged me but then again we all have lives and other friends we are in contact with. I often go on messenger to talk to family or friends and don’t bother to message him.

I'm sitting here having my lunch, swiping on Tinder, as you do. Up pops the guy I'd almost met for a date a week ago but then discovered he's in a relationship.
He's got a new profile photo and words. So I swiped right to see what would happen. And we matched!!! He's been on holiday for the last week so he swiped right on me in the last couple of days.

I was trying to think of a suitable message but he's unmatched me now. So I checked his facebook. And there's lots of photos of him on holiday with his girlfriend.

I feel awful for her but there's nothing I can do.

Runs it happens all the time . My friend matched with a guy who she thought was familiar when she took a closer look she knew his wife

Runs doesn’t surprise me at all, sadly it happens a lot, I think I have dated several married men (one I know was for sure), the one I dated at Christmas was in the army and I’m pretty sure he was still married and going back home to her at the weekends. I’m sure it will catch up with them eventually but I do feel sorry for their girlfriends/wives.

Gahhhhhhhh! Ladies and gents. What do I do?

So My Mr French (who also makes me feel all nice a squishy when we are together) has finally been in contact after a hiatus of 4 days). I knew his work were messing him around and he was basically made homeless. The last contact was me leaving a message to him about a nice dream I had had, he didn't even lisdten to it until today. He has got it all sorted now, but in that gap.....i went and uploaded tinder again (distraction distraction distraction) and well, i have a few options again.

So here is my dilema: I really like him, i could see it developing with him, I feel comfortable with him, but whenever I don't hear from him for a while, my mind runs overtime and I imagine he is out hooking up with lots of other girls (this may not be the case and we both talked about it being quite relaxed between us with no stress so I haven't really got a reason to ask, or be pissed off if he is). But I realised while I was away and in his absence actually I need and probably want more. I can't do the casual sex thing without getting attached, I try, I can't, oxytocin is a bitch. The chemistry with him is very good, I feel he feels the same as me (he seems a bit messed up about relationships to be honest and is a free bird). It didn't help i saw a condom in his bin last time I stayed (I wasn't snooping, we hadn't seen each other for two weeks as we live an hour away). I haven't been with anyone since we met for the first time.

I know what I would say if it was someone else, but its always difficult to get perspective when its your own emotions: should I just relax and see how it goes? I feel a bit "meh" about it all. Sure he was busy, he had shit to do, but I felt a bit ignored. i didn't prompt him or message him or say anything, I just let him be. I haven't rep;ied yet, and usually I respond quite quickly.

I think I need to have a straight up honest convo with him, but is it too soon? I don't want to freak him out. Argghhh! I am the prize! I am the prize!!

PS. I was chatting to a really nice guy last night, in quite a famous band here, lead singer. Cute, but not my usual type. Anyway, he just wants to experience an older woman. I can't be arsed with it all, Mr French is the first guy I thought, it could be more than it is.

PPS. I am a hair away from contacting my ex FWB to meet up tomorrow. I miss his penis, and after months I know where I stand with him! Shall i just leave it and decide for me where I am at??

pudding it’s a tough one, I’m tempted to say ‘if he was interested he would have put in more effort’ but it’s not always that simple. I hate the early on dating when your not sure if they are seeing other people or not, when your not sure if your exclusive or if you should ask to be exclusive, but I would be upset if I was sleeping with someone and they were sleeping with others too.

I would meet up with FWB, might take your mind off of things

pudding I think you need to have a proper conversation with your Mr French and say what you want to happen. If you have previously said 'casual' then that is what he will be thinking, but now you realise that you dont want that and want 'exclusive' - you need to let him know and go from there. He isnt a mind reader.

But then, who am I to give advice - I am currently avoiding Mr Snog and dont want to see him again, without having to tell him that. Im in a pickle.

Hahaha, thanks jax and love: normally I would reply to him quite fast, maybe I will leave it a day or so and see if he gets back in touch. Originally when i started on my tinder escapades, I only wanted a casual thing, but since I met him i feel it could be more, but then its hard to see where we would see each other etc due to my circumstances and his work pattern.

I just don'r want to waste head space on him if he is seeing other people and not replying for 24 hours, as he is other wise engaged. I might ask him if we can chat on the phone, or arrange to meet him again and discuss it then. then in the meantime line up a few other options!

Good luck with telling Mr Snog.......... :)

pudding why are you trying to convince yourself that you don't know what to do?

Just bite the bullet and get on with it. And if it doesn't work out, you've got an FWB-shaped consolation prize to help you get over the jet lag.

Pud why is it all so difficult? It could well be that he had taken your casual remark to mean just that - but if you're now wanting a bit more I think you need to say so. At the end of day you are not content with things the way they are and will only get more unhappy as time goes on so perhaps you need to bite the very uncomfortable bullet and tell him as gently and non-needy as you can.

Me - I've chatted and emailed a lovely man for a week or so - he told me upfront that he doesn't do smokers but we continued to chat and exchange lovely messages - and agreed to swop dating stories - he has now disappeared. The flakey guy who I was supposed to meet up with last Sunday wants to meet this Saturday but I can't be bothered. Another who has given me his number only asks me to ring late at night (after a few beers I suspect). Think I'm going to spring clean all my irons and start again! Oh there is a younger Mexican who is pushing to talk. I picked my ex up from my local airport last night and he stayed the night - was ok to see him but no regrets about finishing with him - at least he scratched my itch! We are going away together in a couple of weeks with others - booked long before we broke up in January - after that I'll try to cracking on this dating lark - sorry in a rambling mood!

Thanks for the virtual slap, I will try be as non needy as possible (I'm not feeling needy, if he says its not what he wants I will move along nicely without any stress), I think its that whole "unknown" factor I don't like.

I know its the most exciting bit in a way, but for me it just brings all my securities to the surface.

pudding as above....you need to tell him want you want.

I've been chatting with someone on WhatsApp since the weekend. First guy in ages I've felt a really good connection with. We hope to meet on Monday but it depends on various issues. However my trust in men is almost zero right now. For the last couple of days I've texted him first and he's been quick to reply and we've had a good chat via text.
Today I thought I'd wait for him to go first. But I spotted him online on POF very early this morning and quite a bit during the day. I know he can do that. I was on there just to see if he was. Do I just leave it and see if he gets in touch or send him a casual hello later this evening? I really want to meet him to see if the connection is real but I don't want to seem needy.

Pudding - I would probably lay all your cards out on the table and be explicit about what it is that you want..... if you want something a bit more exclusive then you need to know where you stand. You may or may not like to hear what he has to say but this will free up the room in your head for someone else, more deserving of your time.

I totally get the not knowing part being exciting- it completely unravels me at the seams and I find it hard to keep cool. I'm getting better but my god when it gets a grip it sends me into a spin.

Jax definately just have the chat with Mr Snog, he does deserve to know where he stands aswell and he is probably having a similar conversation with himself as pudding 🤣😂

Y'all, I had a moment of clarity when I was walking my dog. I'm tired, from traveling then I had the kids since I have been back, DS2 just gone back to school after the pox, DS1 coming down with it now by the looks of it.

I need to take some space and really think about what I want before i lay it all on the table. I was like this with ex FWB then soon as I knew where I stood I felt better, only wobbling at the end when he was backing off a bit, then we ended it amicably.

My issues are: I want someone to care for me, to be there for me, but I don't really want it invading my current life. i have no intention of introducing a guy to the kids etc for a long long time. I like sex a lot, but I bond really easily. I'm in the middle of wanting all the reassurances that come with a relationship but I am scraed shitless of falling in love, hence chosing guys from tinder who are open and happy to take my lead. But I also need to feel wanted, when I am absent. So i am reluctant to tell a guy that, because I want to really feel it.

Probably makes no sense at all.

And I am tired of weeding through the shit to find one who atleast meets half of my list ;) I did an ego swipe today, really gorgeous specimen. We matched and he messaged saying "hot lady" to which i replied something witty about him being also hot. He replied simply "I Know". I don't want that kind of guy ;) I also know when people get a bit too complimentary i back off too. Hahahah! I said to someone last night I find the whole thing fascinating in terms of human behaviour, I know I am totally overthunking things.

Thanks for the kick up the ass, my dad always says to me "keep your powder dry" (I haven't got a coke habit ;) So I am going to do that for a bit.

Urgh feeling a bit down tonight.

Stopped seeing Mr PT last week but still working with him. First time was fine and I thought no probs, we can do this but after working with him today I'm feeling a bit blue. Think I just miss the easy comfort of being with someone. We want different things though so no point in what ifs ... trying to distract myself with Tinder and POF but not finding anyone I have good chat with 🙁

pud!i I'm with you - been saying a polite goodbye to some irons - I'm just not feeling it at the moment

Riddle me this then batmen: why is it when I am not that into the guy I can be really honest, upfront and if it grows then its a good starting point. Soon as I start to like someone, I go all stupid (only in my head, i control it quiet well). Do the guys feel like this, or is it more of a feminine trait?

I don’t know pudding I guess it happens to men too. I’m trying to hold back with Mr T but tonight I am struggling. I keep telling myself to chill out and not rush into anything but a few things are bugging me tonight and I’m wondering if any of this is really worth it?

I think I’m going to go to bed and stop thinking too much.

pudding its hard. i go so many ways in my head. sometimes i think its all a game, and you have to act a certain way, other times i think no, if it isnt natural it isnt right.

but now i firmly think that way. you shouldnt have to overthink, analyse, hold back or over act. the only times ive been in love i have been 100% myself, said what i felt, disagreed when i wanted to, didnt make up excuses for the man, and didnt accept things that i didnt actually like. i was completely myself and the right person would be happy and comfortable with that.

so i just dont think any of your irons have been 100% right for you, in terms of being in the right place and the right stage of life. i can see how it is hard though, when you get too deep with FWB, and the ones you actually date you dont feel that deeply for!

pudding I think it's just good old-fashioned vulnerability. A deep-down reluctance to put yourself in a position of allowing something you might not like to happen. Probably rooted in past experience.

For me as a man, I handle those situations by having a clear plan of what I will do if a) b) or c) happens before I take the plunge. That way the outcome is no longer uncertain.

Sorry pudding a couple of other things I meant to mention....

There was fella on a previous dating thread about 6 months ago called something like 1DAD2KIDS or something like that who was in exactly the same position as you I think, so no, it's not just a female thing, it's a human relationship development thing. There comes a time when we're ready for monogamy and monodaty, so grasp it and enjoy it.

and Rule 5

vixen . that made me laugh - yeah Mr Snog turned up last night just as I was about to start work.
I had just got in 5 minutes before him, ran upstairs to get changed,next thing knocking on my door. I didnt answer it, continued to get changed... he didnt go away!

No phonecall, hadnt heard from him all day. So I said Im just about to start working, he came into the house and I just grabbed my phone, bag and macbook and said he should have called first, I was on my way out to work. (I was working from home, but he didnt know that!) Then drove to my sisters house so I could do my online event.

I will have a conversation with him - just on my terms, in my own time.

MrFrench is very busy at work. Messages me lots which is nice but I think I need to get my sensible head back on.

pud I get how you feel. Take a minute for yourself.