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Original poster

Sahm and finances..

165 replies

Namechange452 · 02/04/2018 22:14

Been with dh 7 years, married for 2 and have 2 preschool aged children, been sahm since eldest was born. Prior to this I never had a ‘career’ as such but always worked full time and it was a joint decision for me to not return to work until the children were school age.
School age is approaching and have been thinking of starting to look at part time positions but having discussed this with dh he has made it clear that is fine as long as
A. It doesn’t affect him in anyway
B. I pay for any childcare necessary to make the hours work (breakfast club, childminder etc)

Alongside this, I really resent the way our finances are regarded at present (and is part of the reason for returning to work) dh earns approx 70k a year, no joint finances or bank account and I have to ask for money as and when I need it. I’m not really allowed any input or insight into our (his!!) incomings and outgoings and he sees this as his money and not ‘family’ money as he earns it and everything is paid for.

I really hate this setup and feel very undervalued and naive. We have zero savings although a decent income and I would love to know where and how all his money is spent! He is completely against a joint account, even if I was working as in his words ‘why should I benefit from his hard work..’ Confused given I would earn a lot less. He does work hard, and very long hours, but I just never expected a marriage to be like this..tell me if I’m wrong!!
I hate asking for money like a child, and I feel like i am poor whilst he is quite well off, although mortgage and bills are paid for obviously.
He cannot see my point of view at all and returning to work to have some financial independence seems pointless when at least half will be paid on childcare (out of my sole earnings)
What does everyone else do? Is this normal?

OP posts:
EphraimLevi · 02/04/2018 22:16

Totally not normal. This is financial abuse.

EphraimLevi · 02/04/2018 22:17

I don’t work but I have full access to all the money. And if you start work then childcare should be a shared cost.

Or you could divorce him. You’d be better off.

phoolani · 02/04/2018 22:19

Undervalued and naive is pretty accurate tbh. I gave up work, a joint decision. We sat down looked at dh’s earnings, figured out essential outgoings then calculated the ‘spare’, half of which then went to me, half to him. Otherwise, I’d be taking on the burden of us having children - which is exactly what’s happened to you. Sorry, but you’re married to an arsehole.

ASatisfyingThump · 02/04/2018 22:19

Why should you benefit from his hard work? Er, because you're his wife and the mother of his children. Does he also believe you have it easy at home with the kids?

Ickyockycocky · 02/04/2018 22:19

Not normal at all! This is an abusive relationship and you are in an intolerable situation. I feel desperately angry for you, you can’t stay in a relationship like this it’s completely wrong. 💐

ASatisfyingThump · 02/04/2018 22:20

And no, not normal at all.

Sarsparella · 02/04/2018 22:22

He’s an arsehole, you’d be better off divorcing him

Of course you shouldn’t have to ask for money & childcare costs are joisn’t costs, not your sole responsibility

Firstworlddramas · 02/04/2018 22:22

Not normal at all. He is a dick.

GreenTulips · 02/04/2018 22:24

I was in a similar position and DH paid into my account shopping money and spends

Then we needed anything a bit bigger say shoes or coats for the kids we'd discuss it and he'd pay.

It's not on that he expects you to pay the childcare - they are his kids aswell.

Took DH a long time to realize my job was equally important to me as his, even when he wart more! He now shares appointments and days off with the kids

dirtybadger · 02/04/2018 22:25

Pah! Why should you pay for the childcare? Are they not his children, too. You facilitate him working long hours by looking after the kids. Without you, he would be paying through the nose every hour he was working for their care!

70k and no savings? Wtf is he spending the money on? Most people on here seem to agree that the way to go re finances is a joint account for bills, etc, with each left with a similar amount of "personal" money after. The set up you have sounds very very unequal and unfair.

Whatever you do, I would get back to work
And absolutely refuse to pay childcare costs. That is a joint expense, from your joint money! You might be grateful for getting your foot back in the door job wise in the near future...

Its quite suspicious he seems be blocking you getting back into the work place considering his obvious contempt for you "inferior" role currently Angry

Parker231 · 02/04/2018 22:26

Doesn’t sound like you are in a relationship? You are there to provide free childcare.

StormcloakNord · 02/04/2018 22:26

Financial abuse cut & dry.

This is awful, OP!

sundaysurfer · 02/04/2018 22:29

Not normal. Horrible. I don't know how you could love someone who values you so little, to be honest.

By the way, I work, my partner stays at home and looks after the kids. But there have been times when he worked and I didn't and times when he earned more than me. All money is (and has always been) family money. Now we have quite a lot, we both spend what we like. In the past, when we had less, we discussed pretty much all purchases.

Sarsparella · 02/04/2018 22:30

Start billing him for all the hours you work looking after your kids, sorting out the house etc - all the things that facilitate him being able to work such long hours

I don’t believe there’s no savings, do you have a huge mortgage? What’s he spending the money on?

thousandpapercranes · 02/04/2018 22:30

Tell him he can either treat you as an equal in the marriage or you’ll get equality at the point of divorce.

Original poster
Namechange452 · 02/04/2018 22:30

He came out with that gem one liner tonight and I was speechless, he then said I was twisting the way he meant it 🤔
Iv read many a relationship thread on here and he is not an arsehole in the traditional sense, or abusive in every other aspect, he just doesn’t get it and has a real issue with joint finances!
This actually makes me nervous that there are things he doesn’t want me to see but perhaps I’m being paranoid..
He claims he wants control over finances as he doesn’t have much in other aspects of our life, like the kids and house I tend to make the decisions and it’s maybe a pride thing where he should be able to support us financially but I hate this set up and can’t get him to see my point of view at all!
He thinks I am lucky as everything is paid for and he gives me money as and when I ask for it, and there is no need for joint finances until I’m earning a similar wage to him..(which is unlikely to ever happen with children and the hours he works)

OP posts:
Arapaima · 02/04/2018 22:31

OP, this is not normal at all. They're his children too! Why shouldn't he pay for childcare? IMO finances should be completely joint once you're married with kids. I know not everyone agrees with that, but the system you describe is completely unfair.

Believeitornot · 02/04/2018 22:33

He gets to be a stress free parent, earn £70k with no worry about childcare.

He can’t have it both ways.

Sarsparella · 02/04/2018 22:35

You shouldn’t have to ask for money, you should at minimum have a set amount transferred regularly so you’ve got cash to hand, what on earth would you do in an emergency?

Cuppaand2biscuits · 02/04/2018 22:35

Perhaps you could look into child care costs right now. And work our exactly how much he would need to pay to have his children looked after if you walked out on him tomorrow.
Given that he earns so much it's just awful that you have to struggle by.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 02/04/2018 22:36

And I say that as someone in a fairly similar situation. I also have to ask for money but I am usually given it unless there is a good reason why he is short of money.

phoolani · 02/04/2018 22:37

Withholding money and treating your wife like an unpaid skivvy is almost literally the definition of an arsehole in the traditional sense.
Don’t be fooled by him and his laughable excuses.

feelingfree17 · 02/04/2018 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firstworlddramas · 02/04/2018 22:40

He is an absolute tool.

He is not great in every other aspect.

Tell him he has 48 hours to show you his credit reports, not the score but the full report. You need to see it online and digest it.

There is either an addiction, debt or savings you don't know about.

48 hours or he moves out. But still pays for the house etc etc.

phoolani · 02/04/2018 22:40

feelingfree go you!