Sahm and finances..

[Namechange452]

Been with dh 7 years, married for 2 and have 2 preschool aged children, been sahm since eldest was born. Prior to this I never had a ‘career’ as such but always worked full time and it was a joint decision for me to not return to work until the children were school age.
School age is approaching and have been thinking of starting to look at part time positions but having discussed this with dh he has made it clear that is fine as long as
A. It doesn’t affect him in anyway
B. I pay for any childcare necessary to make the hours work (breakfast club, childminder etc)

Alongside this, I really resent the way our finances are regarded at present (and is part of the reason for returning to work) dh earns approx 70k a year, no joint finances or bank account and I have to ask for money as and when I need it. I’m not really allowed any input or insight into our (his!!) incomings and outgoings and he sees this as his money and not ‘family’ money as he earns it and everything is paid for.

I really hate this setup and feel very undervalued and naive. We have zero savings although a decent income and I would love to know where and how all his money is spent! He is completely against a joint account, even if I was working as in his words ‘why should I benefit from his hard work..’ given I would earn a lot less. He does work hard, and very long hours, but I just never expected a marriage to be like this..tell me if I’m wrong!!
I hate asking for money like a child, and I feel like i am poor whilst he is quite well off, although mortgage and bills are paid for obviously.
He cannot see my point of view at all and returning to work to have some financial independence seems pointless when at least half will be paid on childcare (out of my sole earnings)
What does everyone else do? Is this normal?

Having to ask for money is utterly utterly humiliating. I bet you have to justify it too. I’ve been there done it, never again.

I’d strongly advice you to get back to work asap, childcare costs should really come out of joint income not just your part time wage.

He does give me money every week to do things or whatever with the children, and any bigger purchases like new shoes coats etc is fine..he’s not funny about paying for anything like that, I just hate the mentality that it’s his money, not our family income. Because of this mentality he sees no reason whatsoever for us to have a joint bank account as it’s his, and sure he will pay for the bills, kids etc but I have no need to be a part of it as I do not contribute financially.
If I did earn similar, he may reconsider.
With me working again, it makes no sense to him that I should unless I can cover the cost of childcare mostly myself as again it would not all go into a ‘family pot of income’ but be separate..
I’m banging my head against s brick wall getting him to get it!!

I think it’s normal. I have once overheard a colleague’s wife texting and asking for money. He explained she was not wise with money and if he didn’t keep and eye, she would have spent it all. I see men driving nice cars and wives driving second hand old crap.

However it is also not normal. And definitely not right. It is probably one of those hold overs from the 50s (?) model housewives, where the women’s place is at home looking after the children, waiting to be rescued and have no say in anything.

I earn slightly more than DH and I do all the finances in our joint account. I budget savings, and opened his ISAs etc. But the difference is I pay both of us the same amount of pocket money. He also has the card for our joint current account. And the online banking login. He is also welcome to see my budget but he doesn’t really care much about money and is happy with his ‘pocket’ money.

I think it can work even if only one of you is in charge of the money but it has to be fairly split and you have to feel you understand the financial situation. Which from what you saying isn’t the case.

Not normal.

We have a similar situation. Two pre-school aged children. We are married but we don't actually have a joint bank account, we've just never got round to it. DH gives me about £900 a month for day to day spending, such as trips out, my phone bill, my hobby, clothes for me and the kids etc. 95% of our food shopping is done online and linked back to his bank card. All bills and mortgage come out of his bank account. All money is family money, we both know roughly what the other has and all large financial decisions are made together.

The plan is that I will go back to work when both children are at school with a view to being able to afford private schooling.

We also both have savings and we're on the same page about what the savings are to be used for.

I respect that it's his hard work that earns our money and he respect that it's my hard work that runs our family. We function as a unit.

What your husband is doing is not running a family unit, he sounds very selfish.

Its not normal at all & sounds abusive. You'd be much better off financially if you divorced him. Remind him of that fact.

It strikes me that HE is benefitting from YOUR hard work as he doesnt need to pay for childcare while he earns his big bucks.

Fuck that for a laugh. All mine and DH'S finances (incoming and outgoing) are joint and always have been. Currently I work PT, DH works FT and earns x4 my salary but previously I have been a SAHM and have also earned more than him in the past. It had all been put in the pot and accessible to us both no matter what our earning situation has been.

Maybe you could offer to swap what you control? He can take control of decisions re children, and you can take control of the finances?.....If he thinks the reason he needs financial control is to contribute to family life in some way. Swap. Shake it up.

Is there any reason he feels justified not trusting you with money? It would be in his best interest not to repeatadly have to move money around or give you it. If you both had joint access then you could just keep a track of spending. That way you both know what money is going on and where it can be saved. I think you are right to be a bit suspicious about where his money goes. 70k is a lot of money (if you have a lot of holidays or expensive hobbies, private school, etc, then I guess you have a fair idea it may go on those sorts of things).

why should you benefit from his hard work?

Because you are the person he loves most in the whole world and you are his family.

Aren't you?

He is a selfish fucker who thinks you live to serve him. He doesn't respect you and what you do day to day minding his children.

Of course childcare costs are a joint responsibility. I couldn't live like this because of what it says about his level of respect for you, how much he likes you, how much he values you, and his overall respect for women.

Oh and he does have savings - he just doesn't think they are any of your business.

No matter what happens, go back to work.

I don't have a joint account with my husband but the money is always our money.
I can buy what I want and I ask for money and I am given it.
However things like I want new wooden floors I can't just go buy them without agreeing with him first (he said not now we need to save more)
I am happy with the set up because to be frank I'm ill and the stress of money just kills me so it's good that he does it for me.
But it's OUR money. It's not his money.
Sometimes he says things like "I work so hard all day and you are careless with our money" but it's not in a way like I use HIS money.
I don't pay child care costs and I don't get a set amount of pocket money.
I get probably 1500 a month and buy our food and clothes for me and my son with it, hobbies, socialising gifts and phone bill but I often ask for more and I am always given more money if I ask for it.
I'm really lucky but I did have to get my pride and discuss money when i got ill when I was pregnant and then needed my husband to earn the money.
For us it's just a means of getting what we need or want and not too important on who made it.
If you work why should you pay for the child care? That's bizzarre.
Have you told him you feel really vulnerable and that not very well looked after when he says it's his money? Try turning the cards to explain he's not being a man by behaving like this and he doesn't have control by behaving like this.
I also have bank card and access to our business which I don't do much for and my husbands card I take it out his wallet often and he also takes my card too if he forgot his etc.

I'd guess there is a savings account somewhere.
Also, if you go back to work who is responsible for household chores. Will you be expected to do all??

Also if you have 2 kids and 2 adults he prob won't have savings if he's on 70k or not loads because life is expensive and that money is taxed

I’m torn because I don’t think it’s fair the way things are, but he’s not selfish in that he spends loads on himself and nothing on us.
He does work very hard and long hours, but I do feel under appreciated in all that I do that does facilitate him being able to do the job that he does. And I don’t think he understands how much that limits what job I can do to fit in with him (basically not here mon - fri) I have never wanted to rely on lots of childcare and want a parent home after school when they are young and have accepted that my career prospects are therefore limited to fit in with both him and the children.
My main issue is he sees it as HIS money and as long as bills are paid and kids are provided for, I should have no say or input in the finances as that is his control and nothing to do with me really and certainly no reason for a joint account as I have no significant income.
I hate relying on him for money and having to ask for things when it doesn’t work both ways, but why should it when he is the one who actually earns it!!

I don't think it's the financial set up that's the problem. It sounds the same as ours. The problem is the attitude behind it, that it's his money and whatever you do can't impact him in any way. My DH sees it very much as our money, he just has the unfortunate responsibility of managing it. To be honest it sounds like your DH just doesn't value you and your contribution to the family's success.

Yes it’s very much the attitude I have an issue with!
Plus being in the dark which makes me feel uncomfortable

My DH retires in four years, we have a friend who is a jeweller, I said when you retire, Fred is going to sort me out a very nice diamond ring or tennis bracelet............ he said why I said because you couldn't.............. and he completed the sentence........have done it, without you....... Knock yourself out..........

He then added .......within reason please and then laughed and said why am I telling the banker to be judicious in our spending..

Point being , the years I didn't work, I facilitated....

Your DH is an arse.

There isn’t any savings, I’m as sure as I can be about that. We have quite a high mortgage, bit of debt that’s payed off monthly, 2 kids and like someone said life’s expensive but I do believe if I had some input we could have savings as I think I would be better at budgeting and not wasting money. He obviously disagrees and can’t imagine how I could be good with money as I have none and he has sorted everything out for the past few years..which adds to the undervalued feeling. I could be wrong of course, but not being able to have any input is very infuriating!

I can't see this ending well tbh. I doubt very much an entrenched attitude like that can be changed, particularly when the person involved really sees nothing wrong with it and is perfectly happy living in the 1920s.

What is his parent's relationship like? How about his siblings? do they have similar set-ups?

OP, if you don't want to leave, and you have tried talking to him all you can do is accept that he has little respect for those who don't earn as much as him and that includes you. The best way of getting respect from him is by earning money - as much of it as possible. sad but that is his limitation. If I stayed in this marriage I would go back to work full time.

Also as he is so into division of labour, the next time he asks about something with one of the children maybe tell him it is none of his business as he isn't at home with them.

He is totally, totally unreasonable. Do not doubt that for a second. When you are married you are a team, a partnership ... and, don't forget, he couldn't have got where he has in his career without you looking after your joint children. What would happen to you if he lost his job, became ill, died (sorry), or went off with another woman? None of these things are impossible, unfortunately, and you could find yourself very deep in the shit.

Even more importantly, you really must make sure that you are not living in the dark as regards financial decisions, savings, expenditure, etc. This could be very dangerous, and you could end up absolutely kicking yourself if it turns out that he hasn't been dealing well with money, intentionally or unintentionally. Don't be a passenger in your own life! Stand your ground and insist on being treated as a financial equal and knowing what is going on.

I'm not sure it's as serious as other posters are making out I honestly think it's a difference in the way you both feel.
Can you tell him how hard you find it and how upset you feel?
I don't really think it's controlling but I do feel it's really unfair the way he calls the money his and especially the fact he expects you to pay for child care.
Why?

How is it not controlling, disappointed, if he insists on controlling all the money and not letting the op have any input on decisions or even allowing her to know what is going on??

How much more controlling could he get?

Disgraceful situation but why on earth didn’t you discuss how things would work before marriage and kids? This is not a partnership. It’s intolerable.

I have been a SAHM for over a decade. I have a credit card in Dh's name and I am the affiliated card holder. I spend, it gets paid every month. Mainly because I am an adult and I shouldn't have to ask for money like I am a child.

I have full access to the joint account and see all invoices and earnings from Dh, including helping in fill in his self assessment. We make financial decisions together because we are married and a team.

You don't know if you have any savings because how the hell would you know. You don't have access to that information.

What would happen if, God forbid, your Dh was hospitalised tomorrow and unable to transfer you money etc? His argument is ridiculous, you make decisions about the children so he makes decisions about the money.

You are married, you are legally sharing money. That is how the law sees it.

I love it when men say, of course I will let you go to work, as long as it doesn't interfere with my life in any way shape or form. And any cost of childcare must be your responsibility and you must be here to look after the children as always. It makes my blood boil.

So does he always give you cash? Do you not have a card to pay for groceries etc?

But the OP didn't say she didn't know what was going on. Or did I miss that bit?
Op do you have his PIN number and online banking or does he not share that.
All of that is shared in our house and I don't feel like a kid asking for money I just want some more so I get it popped in my account.
Or I take his wallet or cash out of it.

Pretty much always cash, food shopping done on the weekend for following week.
I do know his pin and he will give me his card occasionally but generally takes it to work with him. Don’t know online banking, and tbh don’t want to get into a situation of checking his account anyway when I’m not a part of it, feels like spying and won’t change his views on it all