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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sahm and finances..

165 replies

Namechange452 · 02/04/2018 22:14

Been with dh 7 years, married for 2 and have 2 preschool aged children, been sahm since eldest was born. Prior to this I never had a ‘career’ as such but always worked full time and it was a joint decision for me to not return to work until the children were school age.
School age is approaching and have been thinking of starting to look at part time positions but having discussed this with dh he has made it clear that is fine as long as
A. It doesn’t affect him in anyway
B. I pay for any childcare necessary to make the hours work (breakfast club, childminder etc)

Alongside this, I really resent the way our finances are regarded at present (and is part of the reason for returning to work) dh earns approx 70k a year, no joint finances or bank account and I have to ask for money as and when I need it. I’m not really allowed any input or insight into our (his!!) incomings and outgoings and he sees this as his money and not ‘family’ money as he earns it and everything is paid for.

I really hate this setup and feel very undervalued and naive. We have zero savings although a decent income and I would love to know where and how all his money is spent! He is completely against a joint account, even if I was working as in his words ‘why should I benefit from his hard work..’ Confused given I would earn a lot less. He does work hard, and very long hours, but I just never expected a marriage to be like this..tell me if I’m wrong!!
I hate asking for money like a child, and I feel like i am poor whilst he is quite well off, although mortgage and bills are paid for obviously.
He cannot see my point of view at all and returning to work to have some financial independence seems pointless when at least half will be paid on childcare (out of my sole earnings)
What does everyone else do? Is this normal?

OP posts:
fuzzyduck1 · 03/04/2018 16:29

Mean with money, mean with love - On his wage there should be savings and a pension or pensions, does he have hobbies that he spends his money too : I would start looking for a job, your own money and bill him for his half of everything

Foggymist · 03/04/2018 16:45

How have you - or should I say your husband - got no savings?? Dh & I earn about half of his wage combined and we have 2 children and a mortgage and savings. It's madness that he thinks the money is all his, but clearly he has multiple problems with his perception of financial issues if he has absolutely no savings with a family to support and an incredibly good wage.

CookPassBabtridge · 03/04/2018 17:18

OP this is very wrong and not normal.. but was very much a normal way of managing finances in marriage in previous generations. My mum didn't even know what my dad earned! He gave her an allowance. But it is financial abuse. You are a team. You both have valuable roles and in order to be on an equal footing in the marriage, you have to have equal finances. Otherwise the earner will always have the dominance and control.

mimibunz · 03/04/2018 17:21

Tell him you would certainly get his hard earned money in a divorce settlement, if that’s how he wants this to end.

Haffiana · 03/04/2018 18:02

The real issue is that in a year, or two, or three, your marriage will be over because you will find him sexually repulsive. You will end up hating him. This will happen even with your best wishes for your marriage, I'm afraid.

This is what he is risking. You have to sit him down and explain where it will end if your feelings are ignored again and again. You cannot carry on with a man whom you find increasingly unattractive, a man who does not value you.

PoorYorick · 03/04/2018 19:29

I knew as soon as you said he wanted your return to work to be funded entirely by you and not affect him in any way that he would be controlling and financially abusive. It was so obvious.

You realise that to him you're not a person, much less a life partner and mother of his children? You exist as a sphere in his orbit. You are there to pass on his genes and facilitate his life with absolutely no desires and motivations of your own.

He doesn't think of you as a team, he thinks of you as a useful body that he keeps and houses with as little expense to himself as possible. Your children even more so since he won't pay for their care.

I wouldn't even try to save a relationship with this shitbag. Mean with money, mean with love.

I also know without asking that he's shit in bed. Men like him always are.

Boysnme · 03/04/2018 20:58

I work long hours and get a decent salary whilst my DH is a SAHP. We have one joint account that we both use. All our money is family money and we both spend what we want (within reason) when we want. Bigger purchases are obviously discussed but if I want to go for say a spa I will and if he wants to play golf he will. I don’t think it’s fair if one of you has access to loads more money than the other.

Shmithecat · 03/04/2018 21:12

OP, long story short, my dh had the same view as yours (I earn it and you are provided for so whats the problem?).... we were living abroad (for his job I might add) at the time. I went back home with our then 8mo ds and stayed there, with him paying me the equivalent of maintenance - he's a high (tax free) earner. He realised his folly and joint bank account has now just started. In other ways my dh is incredibly generous (tbf, whatever I asked for, he never said No, but couldn't understand why it was so demeaning to have to ask in the first place) but I took the shock of me fucking off and managing without him to pull his head out of his arse. Can you try the same?

Shmithecat · 03/04/2018 21:14

To clarify, we BOTH agreed that I would be a SAHM until at least school age for ds.

Fishface77 · 03/04/2018 21:32

Tell him you’ve got a job.
Hours and salary same as his.
You’ve facilitated his career this far and now it’s your turn.
He can stay at home now.
See what his response is.
I would also be getting my ducks in a row as I don’t think he’ll change. He’s financially abusive.
One thing you mentioned was that you can’t even buy a book sometimes for the kids but he can at the weekends. So Disney dad when he needs to be!
Can you access his pay slips and any other financial info?
Has he got secret accounts?
Secret debts?
Gambling?
Another woman?
Something that would account for all of this money being spent?

ohamIreally · 03/04/2018 21:41

Agree it's financially abusive behaviour. For all those saying he must have loads of savings or a gambling problem I'm not so sure. OP said the mortgage was quite big I think. So if he's taking home 4K mortgage could easily be 2k per month then another 1k for bills. Like PP said life is expensive (especially if they are in the South East) and the money has got to support four people.

ohamIreally · 03/04/2018 21:48

OP - go ahead and get the best job you can, focus on upping your skills and do the very best you can. It will really improve your life and be a safety net for if your marriage does fail. I know also that you want to be there for your children but to be honest by the time they're 7 or 8 they can't really remember the early years, except that they have always been warm and loved and well fed.

eggsandwich · 03/04/2018 22:08

Somethings a bit fishy here!

Are you sure he’s not squirrelling money into a secret account, and that if he showed you the accounts he’s worried you’re going to ask questions.

Quite frankly I’d start by taking back some control, start looking for a job and make it clear that childcare fees will be coming out of the family income.

I’d also add that should you divorce you will be entitled to half if not more.

Ickyockycocky · 03/04/2018 22:29

Has he got another family?

LadyLapsang · 03/04/2018 22:53

Get a job and tell him you are going to claim child benefit, but it will be clawed back from him because of his earnings. I bet he will not be happy about the CB, but that means you will have £34.40pw that you don't need to request. This may give you some leverage in negotiations.

pallisers · 04/04/2018 00:12

The real issue is that in a year, or two, or three, your marriage will be over because you will find him sexually repulsive. You will end up hating him. This will happen even with your best wishes for your marriage, I'm afraid.

This exactly and I posted something similar earlier. how can you want to rip the clothes off a man who thinks it is ok to treat his wife like a third child. He would become more unattractive to me every single time I had to ask him for money. Why is your adult life reduced to this - asking another adult for money even though you are both in a joint endeavour of building a life and rearing children?

I literally couldn't imagine demeaning my husband in this way - telling him that the adult business of budgeting/making financial decisions is mine alone and he should run along and mind the kids.

43percentburnt · 04/04/2018 04:55

So you and the children are second class citizens in your house. No access to money unless you go cap in hand.

I can’t see how your marriage will last. He is showing you what he thinks of you.

Dh is a Sahd and has equal access to all money. I don’t have time (or the desire) to discuss every purchase he needs/wants to make. It’s ridiculous.

Has he stopped you claiming child benefit - have you protected your NI contributions?

One final thought, would a different approach work? Suggesting he doesn’t really earn enough to properly support a family. Other people have joint accounts and are able to spend money here and there because they earn more? Are you ever in a position where you can ask for money in front of someone he regards highly (parent, sibling, friend). Ask for £1.00 for sanitary wear for example. Then say ‘do you make your partner ask for every penny she needs to spend? Or ‘does your wife get embarrassed when she asks you for sanitary money?’. Tinkly laugh.

He’s a shit head op. I’m sorry you are treated this way by the person you have chosen to share your life with.

violetbunny · 04/04/2018 05:02

This makes me incredibly cross on your behalf, OP. You should be furious.

Bumpitybumper · 04/04/2018 05:20

I think this kind of scenario is why the SAHM set up is perceived to be a bad deal for women. It of course doesn't have to be this way, I'm a SAHM and have equal access to money, but I do find it frightening how for some men they see it as a a way of asserting control and financially abusing their partners.

I think you have to have a very serious conversation with him about how his behaviour around money is unacceptable and how it needs to change. Write down a list of points you want to make and make sure you don't get sidetracked. Everything PP have mentioned on this thread already would be a good place to start, especially points around how you are facilitating his career, how he benefits from having you look after the kids but thinks he should be sold beneficiary of his work and how the level of control he is trying to exert over the family's finances has tipped over onto abuse.

If you have this conversation and his views remain unchanged on this topic then I would seriously consider LTB. If you don't, you are essentially choosing to stay in an abusive relationship which is unlikely to improve as even if you go back to work he is trying to control what your wage will be spent on (childcare).

ferriswheel · 04/04/2018 08:15

Phoolani

Im the same. Im divorcing mine too. I cant wait to see where all the bloody money has gone because it certainly wasnt on me.

Op your h is a nasty selfish pig. Im sorry but id bet he gets most of the sleep, free time AND the money.

Your life will improve immeasurably without him.

TheNavigator · 04/04/2018 08:22

Fuck that shit. Get a job, get out there and go full time and build up your career. Women manage it without having their mortgage and bills paid for them, so you certainly can. Then make free choices about your life, which may or may not include your husband, without having to ask for pocket money. You are an adult. Adult up.

Cricrichan · 04/04/2018 10:49

Thenavigator- what a stupid comment. It's not a question of adulting up. It's a question of doing what is best for the family which would work brilliantly if it wasn't for abusive, entitled and controlling men. Even though I've now 'adulted up' there's no way I could match my stbxh's salary because the kids need at least one parent not to be away 70% of the time! Not because of lack of ability or desire but because I want to spend time with my.kids, need to organise their lives and look after them etc .So my stbxh and I both work the same hours except my work is split between paying work and housework etc whilst his is only paid work.

PoorYorick · 04/04/2018 11:11

It's also daft to expect that anyone who's been out of the workplace for a significant length of time could just walk into a well paying job.

SusannahL · 04/04/2018 12:08

OP please believe what everyone on here is saying about this being financial abuse.

The thing which puzzles me so much is WHY are there no savings?

WHAT is he doing with that big salary?

You really need to get to the bottom of where all his money is going.

M0RVEN · 04/04/2018 16:27

Of course HE has savings. And a pension.

I bet you a Mars Bar.