I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

[aaahhhBump]

Not sure if it's handy but there's a swap shop in Rutherglen and Hamilton called re-evolve

m.facebook.com/revolverecycle/?locale2=en_GB

You could swap the bigger stuff for smaller?

[aladyofindeterminateage]

Asda have got some nice cropped trousers for around £10.

[Belindabelle]

Matalan is good for a look. I am so pleased for you all about the holiday.

[KeziaOAP]

Delurking. Sainsburys also has good reasonable stylish clothing.

[AgathaF]

Asda, Tesco and Sainsbury's for basics. Also worth looking on Ebay for used but in good condition nice stuff. Lots of swimwear in the supermarkets at the moment.
Don't go on a sunbed, but a spray tan might be nice. Alternatively, that Dove summer body stuff with the gradual tan in it. You could used that on alternative days to build up a nice tan slowly. Just remember to put lots on so that it's even.

[TheLastNigel]

Or the Garnier gradual tanner-its great stuff.
Primark is deffo your friend for holiday basics!
So excited for you all

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I have a cold.
It’s shit being on your own when you’re ill.

The kids came home tonight and he’d bought them both new bikes.
A fortnight ago ds had been bought a PS4. I’m not sure I’m reacting properly to these things because ds had a bit of a meltdown (very much tiredness related I’m sure) at bedtime.
They got home at 6 and we were getting into bed for stories around 7 when he said they’d got new bikes.
I was so surprised that I blurted out something like “but it’s not your birthday!”
Ds gets all defensive and says daddy can spend his money on anything he likes and I said of course he can, but usually bikes would be a birthday or a Christmas present.

Once we were in bed ds began to cry saying it wasn’t fair that daddy wasn’t coming back. That he wanted him to come home.
I just said that daddy had his gf now and they had a baby and he wasn’t going to come home.
Ds was very upset. I’m not sure I said the right thing but he did calm down. But all three of us had a cry together. I feel shit when I do that. They need me to be strong but I get so upset knowing how hurt they’ve been and also knowing how little they let it show most of the time. I mean I’m sure it’s been at least 6 months, probably longer, since ds mentioned daddy coming home. I thought we’d got past that one.
Maybe we don’t ever .

I’ve avoided the laptop since last week as I was so low and could feel myself slipping.
I’ll need to get back on it from tomorrow though.
I still haven’t heard from his lawyer about the divorce/contact demands, but I’m guessing it must be imminent, surely.
I’m putting off contacting my lawyer till I have an actual writ in my hand. But I hate this “waiting for the executioner” feeling.

Get paid on Thursday so I might go for some holiday stuff on Friday. Retail therapy is not the answer but it might give me a wee buzz to help me through a little.
Only 7 weeks till we go away .

[Mix56]

I think it's OK to show you are hurt Onit. They should know that "Super Daddy" has made this choice, he has hurt you all 3.
They aren't hiring all the time though, as you say, they were tired, & emotional, & probably wish their bikes could come home, not Daddy, but the 2 go together !
As for the bikes, Daddy can indeed spend his money as he wishes, I suppose he is buying their love along with the bikes.
What will he get them then for Birthday/Xmas ? its crazy.

[Mix56]

hiring = hurting.

[Mix56]

Please stop worrying about the writ, he may have been advised he already has them half the time, You are worrying & getting upset about something that may not even happen, & you cannot change.

[TheLastNigel]

It's absolutely ok to show them you are hurt and sad about a situation that is in fact sad. I'm not of the School that believes parents should never reveal any of their own emotions at all to their kids. You aren't an automaton and it's fine for them to know that to some degree.
New bikes form Disney dad eh? Standard. The only positive is that they get the stuff I suppose-but it feels rubbish when you want to be the one giving it to them and you can't.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

To clarify, they have bikes. They were out on them on Friday afternoon before he came to pick them up.
He could’ve asked to take their bikes with them.
I’m not sure what to make if it tbh.

[AgathaF]

I wouldn't give thought to the bikes he got them. He's buying them, that's all.

I agree with Nigel too about not being worried to show your emotions. I think it's healthy for them to see, to know that you hurt too, and to know that it's their Dad's fault. It's good for them to see an adult express emotions when appropriate, and it sounds like it was very appropriate then.

[Mix56]

In reality, if they have bikes at his house, it will get them out in the open air, & they can entertain themselves, which takes off pressure, if they are cycling in the garden it involves no effort from him.
If not, if he has a bike they can go on a ride in the park & he doesn't have to keep them occupied.

[Mix56]

It may be they make too much noise indoors !! :o)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

So I bit the bullet and asked when I was likely to be served the divorce papers.
He replied saying that a writ regarding contact arrangements had been sent from the sherriff court that day.
He won’t move on with the divorce until he formalises contact. He’s not asking them to live with him but he wants more than he has now.
He’s sorry it’s come to it but he has no choice.

I’m so pleased I had a heads up a few weeks ago because if that had come as a bolt out of the blue (which he will believe it does) I would be in bits.
I will contact my lawyer tomorrow and ask what I need to do now.

I’ve been in the doldrums going through all the communication between lcb and me going way back to before he told me he was unhappy.
I thought I’d be ok but it’s like I’m reliving it and it’s knocked the stuffing out of me.
Thought I’d be stronger.

[AgathaF]

You are strong. Incredibly so. But everyone has a limit, a point where it's all just too much for a while.Don't be hard on yourself.

[Mix56]

I read back some old letters & memorabilia from my big "heartbreak" I found when moving recently.
It is hard to go back on. The pathos, aaagh.
For me it's nostalgia really, & what could have been. & being young & naiive
Please don't dwell on it Onit, look forward. You have a new life, you are healthy again, your lovely DC, new bf, its all very positive.

[TheLastNigel]

Try to only read the parts that are very necessary if you can and not get bogged down in it all. I know how hard it is. I think I'm doing ok but then I'll see something or hear something that triggers nostalgia, or a friend will say 'do you remember when we did such and such....' and it will be something the woman in my case will have been there for and it gives me a real wobble. I'm hoping that gets less over time, but we are at 2.5 years now and I still have days that are ruined by stuff like this...

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I was served with a writ yesterday.
I don’t know what I would’ve done if bf hadn’t been here.
I was shaking and crying while I was reading it and for ages afterwards.
He spent ages just trying to reassure me but I am so worried.

I have 21 days to respond. If I don’t respond, the court will assume I agree with it. It will cost me £120+ just to reply.
This is not including any legal fees. I haven’t spoken to a lawyer yet. It does say in the attached letter that I should seek legal advice.

If he’s granted an order my dc will end up spending 4 days away from home eow, 3 weeks of the summer, and half of every other holiday.
He also wants me to share all drop offs and pick ups.
There is more but I’m alone now and I’m too frightened to open the envelope.

In addition he has informed me by email today that dd has been unhappy for a while now about the journey to her activity on a Saturday morning and has missed the last 3 saturdays when in his care.
He has told her there is a class halfway between our homes and wants me to agree or provide an alternative solution.
This is a class dd has gone to for nearly 2 years. It is a class he organised (if I recall correctly. My memory is fuzzy) and is a 5 minutes walk from home.
I checked my email after the dc came home tonight because, when I asked dd if she’d been to gymnastics, she said her daddy had told her she’d be going to a new class. And that he’d email me about it.

I’m paralysed.
All I can do is post here.
I have no idea what to say or do or think.
I want to run away.

[MsPavlichenko]

You need to see a lawyer asap. That will mean you taking control of how you respond. It will also mean you get sound legal opinion . On whether it as at all likely to be granted ( may be be entirely unlikely, especially here in Scotland) and on how to proceed. Which may be offering some slight adjustment but nothing substantial. Remember schoolbags in the same house?

This is about control. Over you , DC , setting out stall to OW and possibly telling his lawyers he knows better than them. Unlikely they agree with him imo.

He wants you to panic and fall to pieces. He knows your DC are the weak spot. Don't let him. Even if you have to take a loan out it will be worth it to get sound legal support and you'll regret it if you don't possibly.

He is a controlling and manipulative bastard. This is more of the same. But you don't take it anymore remember.

[MsPavlichenko]

Re gymnastics. More mindfuckery. Ignore fôr now. I would book her in as usual for next session and tell him is a done deal. Or move to a week evening when with you if possible? You don't need to run all this through him anymore. You are pc. He will probably withdraw additional financial support but tbh he'll do that anyway sooner or later.

[Mix56]

4 days away EOW, means he has to take them to school 2 days within that period. He is already failing to take her to gymnastics, how is that going to work ?
He want to change to a mid point, but if its on his contact day, you will /could be at work, not possible
Sharing drop & pick ups, hmm, HE moved away, HE has lots of money, can buy consoles & bikes every other week HE trashed your life & set up new family, & now he wants you to help with the burden.
Onit, please don't panic, any half wit judge is going to throw this out.
You can prove you are living on the verge of bankruptcy... He is an absolute bastard.

[Raspberrypony342]

Hey 👋🏼 I have had to reset my password to post here! A follower from the beginning. Isn’t he a gent serving you this writ over the start of a school holiday, just so he can enjoy his weekend knowing he has pi**ed you of. I have no legal advice but would 100% happily donate money for you to fight this utterly horrible man, he is controlling, manipulative and a terrible human being. Don’t let him ruin your happiness.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thank you MsP, Mix and pony .
I’m going to call my lawyer tomorrow.
I hadn’t thought about the fact he’s having difficulty getting dd to gymnastics as an argument for school mornings. Noted.
Obviously occasionally I get the “can’t be bothered” moaning about going but it’s 5 minutes walk or in the car if pissing down. And I’m not scared to play bad cop because I know she loves it when she’s there and because it’s my fucking job to be her fucking parent.

Bf says he’s playing into my hands because he’s bitching about travelling.
He suggests I just need to offer a solution to take over getting them to and from all their classes after school and that will mean he has 4 less journeys to make every week. It would also have the bonus of meaning they’d be able to get time to do their homework because, at the moment, it’s really bloody difficult to get it done with all the time they spend out of the house during the week.

I’m assuming he can’t be certain I have the writ yet as it came from his solicitor.
Perhaps this was just his way of shaking me up because I might not have it yet.
Bet he’s giddy waiting for the news that I’ve been served.
And that I have 21 days to defend it.
And yet he’s still the poor persecuted father who only wants to spend more time with his dc.

Anyway I must try to sleep. Lots to do tomorrow. Mustn’t lie down to it. To him.
Thank the lord it’s counselling day.
What a shit time this is right now .