I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

So sorry you are having to deal with yet more antics from him, onit. As an outsider looking in, I can't really see how this would work at all and I'm sure the same will be true of the court. HE moved away, HE made the logistics hard for himself, HE had an affair, HE had a baby. How is any of this about the wellbeing of your DC? Surely he has repeatedly shown that he hasn't put them first.

Emotions aside, I don't understand the logistics of what he is proposing. How would it work with 4 day weekends? Won't he then have to get them to school and back 2 days and wouldn't that involve as much travelling? How will he manage to have enough holiday from work to be with them for half of all school holidays? Would they be with another adult at that time and not him- in which case why push for that? Also what does sharing the pick ups and drop offs mean? Does that mean you have to travel to his? In which case that location was his choice and you were not involved in that decision so why would you be expected to pick up any travel?

It is so nasty of him to do this and demonstrates what lack of consideration he has for the children. This cannot be in their best interests and that is where you will triumph every time. You put them first- always. You can demonstrate this and also why his proposal is lunacy.

You've been dreading this arriving for weeks now, but it's here and now you can get on and deal with it. It's not so much of an unknown now. You can start to fight it now.

I'm so, so glad you're going to see a lawyer. You need proper legal advise and representation for this.

He's being unrealistic. How can he possible get them to and from school on those extra days? Why would he want to put them through all that extra car time before and after school? Selfish idiot. Regarding the gymnastics - if she continues to go to the class when she's with you, then surely it's up to him whether or not she goes when she's with him, not for you to find a solution? Am I right in thinking then that she'll continue going to her class alternate weeks (when she's with you) and miss alternate weeks (when with him), because she'll either go to a different class, or not go to one at all?If that's the case I'd ignore it and let him sort it. DD will either go along with it or not.

The sharing all drop offs and pick ups - will he be covering the cost of your fuel to do this? His choice to move away so surely he can't be expecting you to pick up the tab for the additional petrol?

Knowledge is power. Now you know how unreasonable his expectations are you can defend your position.

Call me a cynic but is he asking for 4 days so he doesn't have to pay child support, and is this all his reaction to finding out about your boyfriend?

His actions are motivated by nothing more than spite, and are a world away for what is good for your DCs.

What a horrible man.

I don't know what the distances are from his house to school but if it's a fair drive the children will have to be getting up earlier than they do now and also will have less time in the evening as they'll be commuting back by car when they could be playing or relaxing at home and also they'll have to go to bed earlier to they can get up earlier. Can you work out how much time a week it means they'll be cooped up in the car? Do I remember correctly one of your DS gets motion sickness? How's he going to do it if he works - he can't be finishing that early so he'll be getting someone else to do it I expect.

If he gets half the time then he'll push to get them in a better school closer to him, especially for high school. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a long-term plan.

The point of your DD doing gymnastics locally is she's in your local community doing it with friends. Going to a random club in the middle of the two of you where she knows no one is not the same. It will be difficult for you too to get her there and pick her up (not sure if you work shifts).

My worry is he's selling this bit by bit to his kids and they're too young to tell him they're happy with the status quo after one major upset in their lives. They might want to make him happy too as he sounds manipulative. I really feel for you.

And yes as someone said the money will drop or disappear if he has them half the time.

The main issue should and will be what works best for DC. That is one main home, clubs and friends locally and close for school. All of that is in your favour and what Sherrif will look at I suspect. Good to have info about missed access, late pick up and drop offs etc to show lawyer.

Ime all the stuff about how you got there re affair etc wont be looked at much if at all. Is just about DC arrangements so focus shoud be on this is working. Doesn't need fi ing.

Unfortunately Yes, I agree, he is working on getting them into to a school nearer him. Don't panic Onit, it's not going to happen

Strength onit. Lawyer ASAP so you know what you are about.
That fucker. I'm not a violent person but I'd dearly like to set about him with some sort of bat.

onit I suspect I work around your area and I travel to get there (possibly not from where your DH is though). There are days it is hell. Is he happy for his kids to be late for school if he can’t get them there in time? What happens when he can’t pick them up because he’s not been able to get there? I would also not be be agreeing to share drop offs if any of them are at rush hour or you could end up being late for work / appointment / anything else yourself.

I can’t see how he can possibly think more travel is a good idea.

Just re read my post and hope you don’t think you should be answering those questions, they were to give you something to work with to show why what he’s asking for is bonkers and not the kids interest.

Spoke briefly to my lawyer today. I have an appointment end of next week. I must submit the form stating I wish to defend the action within 21 days. So that’ll be step one.

I’ve gone over all the points within the writ with my counsellor and have valid arguments for almost everything. I think he believes if he writes the words “this is in the best interests of the children”, it actually makes it true.
It doesn’t.
And it beggars belief that there isn’t someone in his life telling him that what he’s asking for is ridiculous. Especially given his complaints are very much about the travelling.
HE MOVED!
It is also disingenuous in places. It says he has entered into a new relationship. Well, that’s not really true is it? He entered into it months before exiting his relationship with me.
Why isn’t anyone his lawyer/girlfriend/mother pointing this out?

There are a couple of things which I am willing to concede but they are pretty insignificant.
He mentions the fact that holiday contact is agreed last minute and, I’d admit that I’m not the best forward planner. But, I am still figuring out how to do this well enough that I can focus beyond the end of the week. I’m better than I was. I used to not be able to see past bedtime.
I also have holidays off so I don’t NEED to be so organised (and I don’t necessarily want to be either.

I do plan to spend my next day off writing my counter arguments and gathering the evidence and/or information needed so I have something to give my lawyer next week.
I want to demonstrate that he has had almost half the holidays (albeit in the form of extended weekends and a couple of extra days here and there). I want to expose his shady behaviour pretending that he’s hard done by and show his unreliability and untrustworthyness by his frequent cancelled contact and his suggestions for what to tell the dc about what’s gone on.

If I give him enough rope he might bang himself.

Thanks for the input so far. It’s all very useful

Lawyers and family may be well be poiting out stuff. He's not the sort to listen though.

Re unreliability and missed contact. Absolutely give to lawyer. But re new relationship and shady behavour etc. Is all true. Here in Scotland won't be much of an issue other than impact on DC. Issue should be what is best for them. Status quo with some minor adjustments maybe. He is a tosser but this is not about that. Or you proving it. Focus on that. Not exposing him. Good you have spoken to your counsellor but you need a lawyer here. You are a star. KOKO.

I had toyed with the idea of offering every weekend in the summer. But, after this, he can take his chances in court.
I’m not, and have never been, unreasonable.
Let him try to manipulate a judge.

Glad to hear your fighting talk. You're on it!!

I spent all day working on building my defence against the writ and finalising summer holidays only to receive yet another email this evening.
I almost replied telling him to forget seeing the kids until the court decides what’s best.

It’s so ridiculous. It’s about DD’s gymnastics.
He says he will speak to her again until she says what he wants her to and he has every intention of taking her to the other place for a trial.
Apparently she doesn’t mind leaving because he reminded me that she’s really good at making friends.
And if it’s what she wants to do am I prepared to take her every fortnight?
If she won’t commit to her current class, he will go ahead and move her.

I am sure she doesn’t like the drive.
She said it to me.
But she doesn’t understand that any new class will involve the same if not more travellling.
My kids are going to end up feeling like they live in the car.
Never mind the cost of fucking fuel.
I’m so upset.
I was angry, now I’m furious just trying to sleep and I can’t because my poor dd is being dragged into this fight by him and it makes me want to rip his throat out

I’ll send my reply tomorrow and I’ve told him not to involve dd further.
And since this matter directly relates to those he’s quoting in the writ, he should make no more allterations until they’ve been discussed through the lawyers.

God help me! He might get the dc when they put me away for attempted murder

I know he's an arse but if he isn't going to take her would it be worth telling him you're going to continue taking her to the current one but if he wants to take her to a different place on his contact time then that's his decision. I've not been through this sort of thing though so ignore me if its a stupid idea.

How about suggesting she's continues at her present class when you have her, and he enrolls her in the new class for the days when he has her. It can be reviewed after a month, depending on where your DD would prefer to continue going, assuming she wants to carry on going to either class.

He's a total arse!

You are not on trial. Remember that. He is attacking you as usual with his usual campaign of harassement. Try to stay as calm as possible.

In terms of the writ and court he has to show that change will benefit DC. He is unlikely to. You need to show that the current situation works for DC. It does.

Did you speak to a lawyer yet?

Re gymnastics. More harrasement. Suggesting it is left till resolution of court issues is best. Then ignore.

The reply I recieved this morning had a pouty face written all through it.
As you can see.

For the record, Dd had not previously said to me that she was happy at her current club, only that she enjoyed the sport.

However, I'm pleased to say she agreed she'd be willing to travel on my weekends until the holidays, so it's fine for now.

I’m a tad pissed off that he spoke to her again when I expressly told him not to but I guess that’s just how it’s going be.
The holidays are 4 weeks away.

Had a shitty week. Though it’s distrating me from anniversaries as I’m remembering them, but no time to dwell.

I’ve spent hours and hours making extensive notes in defence of the writ. I have gathered evidence. Especially of the omissions, exaggerations and downright lies in his document.
I have a 10 page document (with 8 appendices ) to take to my lawyer.
I’ve started to write something personal. Like a testimonial. I used it as a more positive distraction when I was traveling through some awful stuff. It’s so hard to say positive things about myself. I’ve written tons about my dc.

But if you stick to the facts there will be tons of positives about you onit-because I can't remember a time when you haven't put the kids first. And that will shine through the evidence.

I have my lawyers appointment tomorrow morning.

Been dealing with stuff about the summer holidays alongside everything else.

I might have to work an extra weekend during the holidays.
I’d asked him if he was available (only if required) and he’s now suggesting he should get both these weekends anyway to create a more equitable split.

He’s also implied that I have told the dcs friends mums not to allow their dc to go to his. (He brought up ds’s friends Mum saying that she wouldn’t let let her ds go for a play date after lcb contacted her at easter)
I’m not sure why I replied to it. I realise now it’s me justifying myself and I don’t owe him any explanation, however, I didn’t tell her that. And if he knew her he’d know she does what she likes.
She told him in her reply that I was her friend and he shouldn’t put her in this position.
She didn’t feel comfortable telling him that she didn’t trust him with her ds.
He’s now said, if I tell her I don’t mind, it might put her mind at ease that she won’t hurt me, and then ds will be able to have his friend over.

I’m not totally ready for the lawyer.
I haven’t been able to focus enough to categorise the emails into missed contact, safeguarding, intimidation etc.
I have done it with a lot of texts though so I hope he’ll have enough to get started.

I also need to bring all my financial stuff so he can assess me for legal aid.
I’m not sure I’ll get it. I’m sure I’m on the cusp.
I’m pissed off I let my cashback habit slip. When I started budgeting hard, I stopped using my card.

Anyway, I’m just venting really.
Hopefully I’ll have something positive tomorrow.

We’ve less than 4 weeks till our holiday. I’m so disorganised.

And tomorrow is 2 years since he admitted the affair.

He’s now said, if I tell her I don’t mind, it might put her mind at ease that she won’t hurt me, and then ds will be able to have his friend over. You don't have to say anything. If she wanted her son to have playdates with you DS at his house then she would have it arranged it.

The only reason she hasn't is because she doesn't want too for whatever reason, doesn't trust him,thinks he a lying cheating arse or because she your friend her reason doesn't want and that's that.

Not posted in a while Onit but I have been checking on your updates. Just wanted to wish you luck for your appointment today. Hope your lawyer will be able to offer some reassurances about the next steps.