I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

[Mix56]

Onit,
Tell HIM it was a 3 months trial, TELL him what Dc say, its not working, there fore its stopping. if he refuses to return on Sunday pm, refuse to hand them over. He has never see you refuse, Try it. Let him take you back to court.
It wasn't fair over Xmas, The kids were unhappy, you hardly saw them due to LCB twisting the wishy-washy court decision. Tell him
You can't afford to go to court, but you can't afford to see the Dc unhappy due to his abusive manipulation
Tell the Sheriff what DC say. They are frightened to speak out in case he gets angry. Could you ask for DC to be heard by a child psychologist re what they really feel without fear of inciting his wrath

[Mix56]

How are you Onit ?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I’m fucking sick of emails.
Reading them.
Writing them.
Forwarding them.
Replying to them.

I swear if I started a blog of his rants and published one a week, I’d have more than enough material to last me till retirement. Or death probably. People pay bloggers, don’t they? Is it

I’m pretty sure the fan is no longer visible under the enormous pile of shit that’s hit it since, I don’t know, the dawn of time .

I got actual shouted at by my counsellor on Monday. She was right. Is right.
She’d got into a row with her supervisor over my case.

So I come out feeling like I can do better for myself and stop holding onto the wire that’s electrocuting me, and I reply to an email I’ve been sitting on about the upcoming holiday (Only 4 days here, finish Friday back on Wednesday) which is over his weekend.
I propose he has Saturday and Sunday and I have Monday and Tuesday. Short and to the point.
Of course he doesn’t like that and quotes the court report (not the court order which doesn’t have an order for the holidays) saying the weekend is irrelevant and he’s entitled to half the holiday so he’ll bring them back at 6 pm on the Monday or, because he’s flexible, the Tuesday morning.

I decide to gauge what the dc want so ask what they think about the 4 days they’re off. They know it’s his weekend. Dd says she’s at her dads on the Monday (so he’s spoken to them already and told them what’s happening before talking to me, and ds says he wants 2 days at dads and 2 at mums because that’s fair. But can he come home on Sunday night rather than Monday morning because he hates staying the Sunday.
At the moment the Sunday night issue is with my lawyer. LCB is not aware yet that I have got my lawyer involved.
I really want to copy and paste his response to me saying this is what the dc want because I think most of you would laugh your asses off, then rip him to shreds.

I, OTOH, will smile serenely and remember not to answer a statement and not to be drawn into the game. The drama can only continue if I join in and, though I’m sorely tempted because his arguments are so full of holes you could sift boulders through them, it’s not healthy.
I’ve had a rant to the bf. But honestly, there’s very little to be gained from any reply,
My mantra (my counsellors suggestion) is “what outcome do I want?”
And the outcome I want is happy kids and less stress. If they’re unhappy it’ll be his doing. Stressful for me; but not as much as if I’d been tying myself up in knots deciding how to answer his hyperbolic hypotheticals and bullshit driveling.

I need to sleep now. I’m unbelievably busy with a million plates spinning. But I need to sleep.
Hope everyone is ok here. Feels shit not catching up as much but honestly, it’s an explosion here...

[Mix56]

in spite of LCB playing his little games ad nauseam it sounds as though your head is in the right place. Good analogy, wire & electrocute !
Could you say, "I have asked the children what they want, this is their response. .quote what DS said....... "You can have half the holiday, we both get 2 consecutive days, I will have X&X"

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

That’s pretty much what I said mix but apparently asking their opinion is absolutely outrageous, totally irresponsible and astonishing
Just starting work now. If I get a chance later I’ll quote some more. It’s priceless.

[Mix56]

Irresponsible is telling dd what she will be doing on monday, when he hasn't checked who is where on what day.

[TheLastNigel]

Yeah they really don't like it when you ask the kids what they think-largely because they can't fully control the kids response. He's a knobber. 2 days each couldn't be more fair could it? It would've been fine if he'd suggested it.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Here it is. For your amusement . Get a cuppa first.
I’ve edited a little just to avoid it being identical to the original but it’s essentially as he wrote it. Possibly less ranty after editing.


That is absolutely outrageous. And completely irresponsible. They are far too young to make the decisions that even we’re struggling with.

Asking them is simply not fair on them and they should not be put in that position. Of course their views matter but they don't understand the whole situation - and they should never be drawn into our disagreements - especially when you are asking them to choose one of us over the other. The most astonishing bit is that it seems you have allowed them to think they can choose to come back to you sooner than they should. You cannot reduce the hours the court has granted for my weekends, and I hope that you have not made that false offer to the kids as part of this.

Ask yourself

a) If they said to you they wanted to come to me after school on Fridays, would you accept that?
b) If it was your weekend, would you offer the kids the chance for me to have them half the time?

I suspect the answers would be no. You should also know that I wouldn't say it was ok for the kids to come to me on a Friday, without consulting you, as that contravenes the courts decision. I would also not ask to see them on both of the days they are off, if it was following your weekend. That is not what we have ever done before and is not what we should do this weekend or on any other half term holiday.

To summarise:-

• I disagree entirely with you that they get to decide what’s fair.
• I'll be following the court order and returning them on the Monday morning.
• If you keep refusing holiday access I'll be taking this to my solicitor.


I haven’t answered him. Not sure it needs answering. I am in discussions with my solicitor (and have info from school) about the Sunday nights.

[Itwasntme101]

Am I understanding that he's not counting the weekend as part of the holiday? So in his view the holiday is Monday and Tuesday only therefore he should have one day and you the other
I'd say you need to get a very clear court order in place but I've followed your threads onit and I doubt he'd be able to follow simple instructions. Not because he's an idiot but because he just doesn't like being told what to do.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

The thing is all the things he’s arguing about are all things he’s done himself in the past.
I argued about him involving the dc, but that was before he dragged them into it with his court report.
When I went away for the weekend before Christmas and made arranepfor my dsis to stay, he told the dc they could go to his instead. Without talking to me.
He’s reduced his own contact on Thursdays by dropping them home early to be fed. But presumably that’s also because it’s convenient for him. It is better for the dc though as despite him having ample time to take them for a meal after swimming, he demanded I feed them.
When he couldn’t stick to the 6pm drop off and was expecting me to be available the whole of his time, I asked him to stick to the court order and feed them or drop them at a fixed earlier time. He chose the earlier time.

And it’s laughable he’s complaining about a 4 day break being exclusive of the weekend.
He’s wrong about if it had been my weekend. I’m sure if I look back I could prove it but I’m not wasting my time. Answering him or justifying myself.
The fact he’s arguing that the dc can’t decide what’s fair just shows how little argument he has.
He brought the dc into this. I’m not keeping them in the dark now. They have opinions and the deserve to be heard. I’ve got no struggle making a decision. I make them everyday with the dc in mind.

He’s only fucking himself over because, when I tell them he won’t let them come home on Sunday night because he doesn’t want to listen to their views on this, it’s not me they’ll resent.

The sadder thing is that, after spending thousands on solicitors, nothing much has actually changed.
On my good days I can almost see he’s losing his grip.
On my bad days (which are much less than ever before) I panic about the damage he’s inflicting on my dc. And the morally bankrupt tactics he’ll use to take them away.

But I’m stronger. He hasn’t worn me down yet. He’ll crack before I do.

[Clutterbugsmum]

And this is why you need to stick the court order to the letter because he will only do what is beneficial to him, not the children or you.

The court order says he has them to 6pm on a Thursday then he has them. Don't be available to have them early it's his time he has them and feds the dc tea. When you speak to your solicitor on Monday ask her to make it clear about Thursday contact time.

I know you are putting your DC first but with idiots like your Ex you can't give him an inch.

[MakeItAmazing]

Hurray for your strength reappearing .

[MsPavlichenko]

Stick absolutely to the court order until it is re assesed. Regardless of whether you think it is in DC best interests . This will be better in the longer term. Otherwise he will use it to indicate you being flexible/ inflexible for his own ends. I'd do that in every instance whether on your time, or his. It shows you are following it to the letter, and giving it a chance to work. It also means that you don't need to engage at all with him barring emergencies.

He has drawn you back into communicatiion. Which he loves, and you are been driven mad. Which he probably also knows and loves.

He is a prick. We can see that, the lawyers see that, the Sherrif might see that , your DC will soon. But, it doesn' matter re the arrangements so don't give him anything, and don't engage. This is only a ahort period in the DC's lives. Remember that. And I say that remebering how overwhelmed I felt in a similar situation. Detatching as far as I could really helped me then . And that helped me deal with the DC too.

[Mix56]

He is saying half the holidays on top of his w/es.
He needs officially to be told EOW is suspended through the holidays
Obviously, Durrr

[MsMamaNature]

Hi, I temporarily lost your thread but I wanted to say that I like this version of you - you sound like you're pissed off and have a belly full of fire! I bet when this all started you didn't ever think you'd get to this stage. I'm glad you're not covering for him anymore and that the children are getting to the stage where they are starting to see him for what he is. Truthfully, it's not a position that any mother would want to put their children in but I think in your case it may well save them from a lot of trouble/pain from him further down the road. I hope your son is feeling better.

[Mix56]

Hi Onit, Hoping all is going smoothly

[AgathaF]

You sound so much more on top of it. That's probably what's making him panic and write you long essays.

Of course their views matter but they don't understand the whole situation - and they should never be drawn into our disagreements - especially when you are asking them to choose one of us over the other - the statement of a man who is seriously losing his grip.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I can’t decide what’s better tbh.
I’m so used to the long rants that I wasn’t sure how to take the last one I got.
He’d asked which week of the Easter holiday he could have. I’d replied offering the first week but requesting the dc come home on the Sunday afternoon.
I’d also asked him to allow us the Sunday afternoon of mother’s day. I’m working but obviously would like to see the dc that day (and they want to see me too obviously).
I was all ready to be shot down as this Sunday evening is looking like it’s going to end in another court date, however, his reply was 2 sentences saying that was all ok with him and confirming the date and time of pick up for Easter.

The reason I think it’s potentially going to end up back in court is my lawyer sent a letter after the incident with ds (which would have been the last weekend of the trial period so no one can accuse me of not letting it run it’s course).
The letter included a statement from the dc’s HT highlighting a recent, noticeable, negative change in DS’s behaviour and attitude.
I also stated that the dc were unhappy with the change in arrangements regarding Sunday overnights and particularly the travel to school on a Monday morning but that they were scared to voice this to their dad in case he became angry and shouted at them.
But mainly it highlighted the incident with ds and the lack of responsibility he’d shown and his inability to parent.
I’ve said he either agrees to return to the previous arrangements or we go back to court to ask the sheriff to decide.

Of course in the background of all this, my sources tell me that he can’t afford court. He’s got no money to pay his lawyer anymore. He is reluctant to go back to court as he thinks the sheriff is unsympathetic and, though the letter my lawyer sent is full of lies (it’s not), he thinks that I will have thrown enough dirt that some will stick and cast doubt on him. He doesn’t wa to throw money at it when he’s not sure of a positive outcome.

He is planning on taking his time to decide. He never clarified what he thought I was lying about.

[AgathaF]

Well, he was all Billy Big Bollocks when he had money to chuck at lawyers to put you 'in your place'. Not so much now then.

Hang in there, as you have been doing so magnificently.

[MsPavlichenko]

All sounding good Onit. Well done ( I can imagine how exhausting and stressful it's been.)

[TheLastNigel]

Keep going kid!

[Mix56]

Sounds like you are finally going to be victorious. Probably the gf is happy to see them off on Sunday & not happy he is skint!
He will probably be getting GBH & is getting bored of sll the hasssle having his own dc at the w/e!

[Mix56]

All

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

He is certainly taking his time. Been 2 weeks since the letter was sent. How long do I leave it before asking him for a response.
He either agrees to alter the arrangements back to how they were or my lawyer lodges a motion with the court to have the order changed.

I’m not convinced by his poverty pleading.
After seeing what he was saying about cutting the maintenance payment and no longer helping out with extra things like uniform, school trips etc, I was looking at what he thought the calculation would be. The CMS excludes pension contributions from its calculations. When I read that it occurred to me that he might have put the £40k I mortgaged my house to repay him his half of the equity from our house, into his pension. Because the financial agreement was already binding and I can’t get his pension now.
He might not even have told her.
Or he might’ve put it in her name. Or the dc’s.
At the end of the day, even if he is cash strapped, it’s not a long term thing.
God forgive me but his parents are in their 70’s and very wealthy.
He has a huge inheritance coming at some point.

[TheLastNigel]

His poverty is not your concern though-he started this circus so if he now has to pay to see it through legally then that's his problem. He wasn't bothered about your lack of funds at any point 🤷🏽‍♀️.
I think it's spectacularly unfair that they don't take pension contribution into account for maintenance calculations. It's pretty galling that one party can be saving a huge wedge for old age whilst the other can barely afford to live in the here and now-I don't follow the logic of it at all.