I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Hello. Been lurking a while but I'm interested in this name issue as in similar situation. I want same name as dcs. I don't want to go back to old name as that was my abusive dad's name. For now I plan to keep ex's name as it is same as dcs and ex would have to agree any changes anyway. Wish I'd never changed my name and double barrelled my dcs. Anyway going forward what on earth do you do if you remarry or have future dc?! I'm young enough that this is a possibility. It's a real ballache even though seemingly petty and I agree that names should be maternal not paternal.

Thanks for asking mix. I have an appeal hearing this week which I’m very stressed about.
I’m hoping it won’t take long as the absence I’m arguing should be considered as an underlying ill health issue (and therefore exempt from triggering attendance sanctions), wasn’t recorded on the system correctly and also my absence from last year which proves the long term detrimental effect on my health, was also misreported by my old manager.
If it comes down to poor management it should fall through before I have to prove anything, though I will argue for the anxiety/depression/ptsd I’m suffering to be recognised as a mental health issue that I deal with on a daily basis. Just because I make it to work 99% of the time does not mean that I don’t struggle at times to do just that and that there are going to be occasions when I just can’t do it.
I am doing as much as I can for myself to counteract it but sometimes I’m overwhelmed. And I should be supported by my work (and felt I had been right up till this point) which is why I’ve had only a few shifts off since I returned last summer.
The 2 shifts they’re arguing about were when the baby was born. If I’d been managing someone in my position I’d have used the discretion I’m allowed as a manager and cut them some slack. Showed some compassion. Not added to their stress by cutting their bonuses and removing their chance of earning a pay rise not to mention the humiliation of being sanctioned for something my ex used as a reason for leaving me.

I’ll update after the hearing. But cross your fingers for me please.

🤞🏻

userwho I’m considering another family name for my surname, with my married name as a middle name (which I will never use) in order to maintain the same name as my dc.
It’s shit that I still need to be tied to the abusive bastard but I’m sure both he and ow will be more annoyed about it in the long term.

Everything crossed for you Onit, I think they are being very harsh, & hopefully will accept it was their old manager who missed this. But the new manager doesn't sound very empathetic, cow
"Walk a mile in my shoes" comes to mind.

Hope the appeal goes well onit, fingers crossed for you.

Name thing is a problem.
I’d been Mrs ex husband’s name for 33 years by the time we were divorced.
Like you say onit , it’s my name too. The name everyone knows me by. I have children and grandchildren in that name.
Then I met my second husband and I’m still Mrs ex husband name officially.
I feel it’s just a name. My name. My husband doesn’t mind. He hates being referred to as mr ‘my exes name’ though.
It’s still a dilemma. I’ve double barrelled my name with my husband’s...but I find it very confusing.
I’ve now been 42 years as Mrs ex husband’s name !

Good luck with your work appeal, Onit. I have everything crossed for you x

Hi all
The senior manager in charge of my appeal has overturned the warning.
Procedures when I returned to work last summer weren’t followed and, if they had been, I’d have had allowances made for my mental illness/es. Then further mistakes were made.
I’m so pleased but more than a little upset that I had to go through that.
I said that I put lots of time, effort and money into maintaining my mental health and I was grateful for the support I’d had after the end of my marriage.
I emphasised that work was my safe place and that being sanctioned had taken that feeling of sanctuary away. That I had felt supported at work and now I don’t. That for the first time I’d had a panic attack at work. Caused by work.

Great news that it's been overturned. Good too, that you have the chance to say how you felt, how their actions have been detrimental to your well-being. They needed to hear that and you needed to say it to them.

Excellent news about the appeal. Hurrah for Onit

Re the name - I bet it’s simply that she doesn’t want her baby to have the same name as your dc.

That's good news. In the future they will take notice of your rectified file. It was overturned so justice has been done & any bonuses & pay increase will be maintained. So don't look back Onit...be glad its worked out & KOKO !

I’m very pleased about the outcome and hope it means that more time is taken when people go back to work after an absence; especially those with a mental illness.

On the name thing, I mentioned it to my counsellor and her instinct was that ow is retaining “ownership” of the baby. Perhaps because she doesn’t see a future with lcb or in case she finds herself in my position.
She suggested you could do a mindmap of possible reasons but ultimately we’ll never know.

I think your counsellor sounds right on the money. And it's true, we can all take a guess but no-one will know for sure apart from her.

Great news about the appeal onit. A victory for decent human behaviour...which is sadly lacking all too often as we know from our Experiences with LCB.

How’s this week been?

All quiet on the western front.

But I’m restless. Tired. Waiting for the letter to say he’s taking me to court. I’m so scared.
He doesn’t know I know it’s coming. At least he doesn’t have the element of surprise. But I haven’t made the best of this knowledge. I should be preparing and I’m not. I’m ignoring.

It dawned on me that he’ll know I’m not using my lawyer anymore because, when his request to start proceedings when to the court for approval, his lawyer wrote to mine. My lawyer then wrote saying if it was a straightforward no contest divorce, I really didn’t need him and I said I’d deal with it myself. He would’ve replied to lcbs lawyer that the divorce papers were to be sent to me directly. So he’d know I don’t have him anymore, wouldn’t he?
I think perhaps that’s why he’s decided to pursue this now. If I don’t have representation.

I need to figure out what I need for court if I’m representing myself.
And I’m shitting myself.
I’m not sure I can do it.
I’m not sure I can make a coherent argument.
I don’t know what I need to do at all.
I’m not a lawyer and he’ll be represented by someone who earns in an hour what it takes me a fortnight to make .
I’m not the best mum in the world. I shout. I get angry. Sometimes I want to hide away for peace.
I feel enormous guilt about my just about good enough most of the time parenting without having an actual judge scrutinising it.

I’m so scared.

Onit, we all shout and get cross, we all disappear to the toilet for some peace and quiet (not that its stops mine from following me and chattering through the door).
You don't come across as being "just about good enough", you come across as a mum who cares are great deal about her children and is doing her best for them.

Hi Onit - yes that must be stressful. The standard access is every other weekend and one night in the week. He may have had advice and decided against pursuing more. He may also feel the new baby is a lot to cope with so has changed his mind. He may like to keep you dangling too. We know he's a bastard.
I know it's easier said than done but try and relax. You will cope with the next hurdle. Put it to the back of your mind. Be more Mindful - carry on living in the present.
Well done with fighting your work situation. You are a fighter although it's hard at times to keep going.
Enjoy the sunshine.

Try not to worry Onit. He may never take you court. And if he does (and it's a big IF), you deal with it then. One step at a time.

My sister's ex was threatening court all the time. It took him 2 years to make good that threat and ultimately, he got jack shit. When he first threatened court, she went and saw a family law solicitor (more for reassurance, just so that she could understand the process if he decided to follow through on his threat). Perhaps it would help reassure you too having an initial consultation too?

2 years later, when she was served with court papers, she went back to the same solicitor for advice. After that, she self-represented.

She was scared; the whole process was so stressful, but she did it (and you can too!).

One step at a time, Onit.

You can do this xx

He has contact EOW and after school 2 days a week.
It’s during the holidays that he’s arguing he should have half.
I actually think he wants to give up a weekday, especially now he lives so far away and they have the baby.
I think he’s going for it now because he thinks I’ve refused to change.
He asked to keep them on the Sunday night of his weekend and take them to school but I refused. He’d said he’d drop one of his weekdays then.
I’ve said that the schedule needn’t change in the holidays but he can request extra time and, on the whole, I have agreed it. But not half. Generally his weekends are longer and his afternoons become whole days or overnights at least some of the time.
But I deserve time with them too.
At easter if I’d given him all he asked for they’d have been at his from Thursday to Tuesday over the easter weekend and at home for 3 nights before and 2 nights after. With himhaving them another couple of single days/nights.
When do they see me? Or their friends? Or my family? Or play in their own home?

I realise I’m ranting now but...

nigel did you and your DD’s have a good holiday?

Sometimes shouting and getting cross, needing a bit of time out, not being perfect all the time - that describes most decent parents. Don't worry that you're not good enough, I'm very sure that you're a lovely and good mum.

LCB probably does know that you don't have representation now, but he will most likely assume that if he does pursue for extra time with the DC then you will get representation then. As indeed you might.

In some ways him moving further away is a good thing. Your DC do need time with their friends, as well as you, and they can only really get that when their at home. If it does go to court then that should hopefully be taken into consideration. It's what's best for the children, not what's best for him.

If it does come to it, and it might never happen, then I'm sure you could get some good advice on the legal board here. There are family lawyers on this site and I'll bet there'd be at least one who would be happy help you out.

We did. just back now. Unfortunately it has sent exh into overdrive on the 'being a nasty twat' front-plenty of passive aggressive, (sometimes just plain aggressive) messages whilst we were away and now back.
I get that it's horrible for him when they are away from him-and I've tried to be understanding of that (ignoring the fact that he doesnt seem To have quite the same level of angst when it's him choosing to go away from them on his numerous holidays and weekends away etc ), because it's the same in reverse for me when he takes them. But all I wanted was a nice holiday with no ag, and he couldn't even give me that. That said, I'm in a slightly better place for once re reacting to it, or giving him any credence at all and I'm hoping I can carry on with that mindset.

You can't do anything until LCB sends his letter really-except I would go back to your solicitor and explain the situation and get some advice-even if just to get some reassurance.

Keep going my love.

Have name changed a few times since I last posted on your thread but have been reading and admiring all you have achieved. Just thought you might not know about the Scottish Child Law Centre based in Edinburgh. They give free legal advice regarding children. You have to request an appointment which could take up to 2 weeks but it’s free and since you’ve not got a letter from LCB yet you hopefully have time to wait for an appointment.

www.sclc.org.uk

Thanks hadenough

I had a look at your link and there’s some useful info on there as well.
I will give them a call or an email on Monday.

Glad you enjoyed your holiday nigel . Shame your twat of an ex tried to ruin it.
I remember when I went away last year he called or texted every day.
Why he felt it necessary just because we were on holiday. I assumed it was because we were away with friends and he was playing the martyred father.
I hope you can keep your positive mindset. He is a knob and, like lcb, likes to make it all about him.