I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

As for his lawyer thinking he must have a case - lawyers work on their client's instructions. Even if their client is hell bent on going against the lawyer's advice. It really doesn't mean that the lawyer believes he has a case at all.

Hi onit I think I posted on your first thread but I have name changed since then. I don't comment on your thread because I don't have direct experience of what you are going through and you have such great support from other posters so I don't like to impose. But when I see your thread I always have a wee catch up to see how you are doing.

I think you are doing great. I really do.

You have your children. He may want more time but you are still the main carer.
You have your home. It may need a bit of work but its yours and he isn't in it.
You have your job. You have just shown them how together you are by challenging that review.
You have friends. They sound like they have your back.
You have a boyfriend. OK the wedding thing would piss me off and I would need to talk about that but the holiday should re assure you.
You are being sensible by seeing a therapist, taking responsibility for your feelings and trying to seek help.

Honestly you have come so far and achieved so much and you don't give yourself nearly enough credit.

As for why he is doing this. Well my armchair psychology guess would be he is pissed off because the baby doesn't have his name so he is trying to exert his power over his other children and you. I bet he is furious and there is nothing he can do about it. If I was the ow with a new baby I probably wouldn't want his other children around any more at the moment. I think he is trying to punish her.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say. Just because HE wants more time doesn't mean to say HE gets it. Get your information together and when the bomb drops it will be a relief because you know its coming. Then you deal with it. Look how you handled the work situation.

I feel like I’m poking an old wound. It doesn’t hurt as bad as it did but the memory of the pain is very raw still and I hadn’t realised that.
I see so much of it now with hindsight now and it’s scary how controlled I was when he first left. So much of our correspondence in the first few weeks/months is me deferring to him; even asking his advice. Explaining my angry outbursts and apologising for my emotions. Meantime he had me selling shares, emptying bank accounts within a month of leaving me.
It’s breaking my heart all over again. And making me worry about my dc and what he’s doing/done to them.

I totally understand you need to be proactive. But perhaps getting some advice would help direct what you do more effectively. And agree that it doesn't necessarly follow his lawyer agrees he has a good case btw.

Re how this is making you feel. Suggesting WA again .

I have periodically tried to contact WA. But unfortunately the local branch only operates their phone lines when I’m at work.
They don’t reply to emails.
I’m honestly not ignoring your advice MsP, I want to speak to someone.
I’ll try phoning the main line again and see if they can suggest something.

Just had a look at the WA website and now put a note on my calendar to phone on Friday morning.

I know you have tried ! No criticism implied! Just a reminder.

You are still doing brilliantly well imo. Don't let this overwhelm you. Onwards and upwards!

Hi onit
You could format the screen shots on to slides using power point. A slide for each screen shot. It may make it easier to group them together into example evidence. All the cancellations/missed pick ups, failure to comply with medical advice, etc.

You can and will get over this speed bump.

Posted to soon. You can print them 4 or 8 to a page to keep paper cost down.

Thank you aaahhhBump that was worrying me; how to do it without wasting loads of paper and keeping it all in sequence.
I’m a bit cack-handed with computers.
I’m not doing anymore today though.
I need to build myself up to it as the last few days have really dragged me down.

When I actually receive the papers I’ll go and see my lawyer again. Or hopefully I’ll have spoken to WA and they might recommend someone.

It won’t do any harm to be on top of some of it but presumably I’ll be given some time to consult and get advice before a response is required.

I want to just focus on the fact we’re going on holiday and the bastard manages to suck the joy from everything.
I was going to tell the dc this weekend but I at least want to show some excitement when I tell them.

I’m off for a bath and a bit of trash tv. If I watch many more criminal minds episodes I might be able to commit the perfect crime soon .

I see so much of it now with hindsight now and it’s scary how controlled I was when he first left. So much of our correspondence in the first few weeks/months is me deferring to him; even asking his advice. Explaining my angry outbursts and apologising for my emotions. Meantime he had me selling shares, emptying bank accounts within a month of leaving me
You know, reading that I feel so, so sorry for what that bastard put you through, but I can also see how very far you have come through this process and time. Really, slap yourself on the back for all that you have achieved. I know it's been really tough for you, but bloody hell you've done it!!!!
The downside is that he will see how far you've come too. Which is why he is having to go to court to get what he wants, because he accepts now that he can't manipulate you any more. So bloody well done you!!!

Hmm, the perfect crime - I'm sure we could all club together to think of something .

Ah my love-it's sometimes freaky how similar our two dear husbands are. Mine is trying a similar line currently. He has been haranguing me to change our contact schedule to one that more closely matches that his girlfriend has with her own kids, so that they can spend more time together. (Although he at first tried to dress it up as being 'better for the kids' but eventually had to admit that actually it would benefit them in no way at all) Neither I nor my girls were particularly keen to change as what we had works well for us. However we have now agreed on a compromise-sort of half what he wanted and half what we have now. Trying to work out when to start it has been traumatic. He has lots of dates for stuff he has booked to do over the summer which match neither Schedule, ( he fails to see why I would question his priorities given that he had booked to go away over several dates he should have had the girls), and I have some stuff that was booked around the old schedule. The tantrums he has had because he wants to start it NOW and then swap weekends to accommodate his plans (to the extent that there would be no point in having any kind of rota at all). I've eventually said we should just start in September. Que personal insults, accusations of my not being understanding about his dad dying (in January-which I actually couldn't have been more accommodating,as anyone would be, about) etc etc.
It's exhausting and it's hard to argue with someone who literally cannot conceive of the fact that he may not be entirely right.
I suspect I am about to get a request for 50/50 split too. (That's what his girlfriend has and he has actually endeavoured to arrange some childcare for the girls this week around his days after school for about the 5th time in their lives-some attempt to prove he is proactive in this regard?). So I too will be going back through my calendars and emails to find the evidence of the requests to reschedule so he can go away, the weekends he's missed through choice as he's prioritised his social life, the lack of interest or organisation of after school care on 'his' nights with them.... I don't know if it will do any good-but best to be prepared.
He's slightly got me over a barrel as he has reduced his payments to me (or will be doing soon) which has meant I've had to go back to work full time in order to have enough income (albeit im working with some flexibility which means I still get home to get the girls from school three days a week). It feels horribly like part of a plan to put me in less of a position to provide as much care as I was for the girls, which he can then site in his arguments. (Its also meant I've had to slow up on the course I was doing which was going to help me change career a bit, something else I'm pretty pissed off about given the years I supported him to qualify, which has enabled him to now earn massively-I'll still get there but it will be a longer slog).

He is angry and annoyed with me because the girls have proved reluctant to spend time with his girlfriend and him. His narrative is that I've put them up to that, which is hugely unfair and inaccurate. She is never discussed unless they come home upset because their Dad has been moody with them over it and even then I've only ever said ' well, you probably will have to spend time with her at some point-no one can force you to like anyone but you have to be polite'...which is the best I can do under the circumstances, and is more than either he or she deserve from me. His narrative to anyone that will listen is that I'm the sole thing stopping them becoming the local answer to the bloody singing Von Trapps!

It does make you feel a bit sick and a bit poleaxed going through it all again. I drove to work in tears yesterday for the first time in a long while (but not of course for the first time) because he we are two years later, no further on really and the anxiety of it is just fucking dreadful.

As pp have said a lot of it is about control and power. Our interactions are either fine and polite (when I'm agreeing to whatever it is he wants) or angry and insulting (when I'm not), and there isn't much in between.

If you can see your lawyer I would-it will help to have that opinion to consider at least.

Keep going onit. I know it's bloody hard and unfair. One foot in front of the other...

It occurs to me that what these 'men' really don't like is having to ask you for time with the dc, or to change contact dates etc. Maybe that is why they are doing this. So that it is set in stone and they don't have to ask. But in reality they probably won't actually want more time than they already have, because really it's not what they want and it interferes with their other lives.

I think it’s purely about perception.
They’ve done really shitty things. Caused hurt and upset. And this is how they prove to the world that they’re good guys really.
“Look, I’m fighting so hard for my dc! I’ll do anything, no matter the cost. I only want what’s best for my dc and their mum is just bitter because I left her. But I didn’t leave my dc. I’m a great dad. Look!”

I envisage a similar outcome nigel, if lcb were to get his holiday demands.
Im not sure how often recently they’ve been sent to grans for sleepover because of his social events. I think the pregnancy and baby put the brakes on that. But there were plenty of instances before. I think he likes the idea of domestic bliss. The perfect family unit but, he also likes to show off and he can’t do that alone. He needs an audience to see his perfection.
He’s got her tied to the kitchen sink pretty quick really. How long will it be before he’s leaving her with the dc to go out and socialise alone. Or do his hobby.
How long before the next woman is picked out and groomed for when the gf has become just another boring woman who just wants to be home with her baby and hasn’t the energy or inclination to go out? When she is prioritising that morning toddler group over a chance to go for a night out with his friends?

And yes, he HATES having to ask me.
I mean, who am I? Why am I in charge? They’re his kids!!

Also don't forget this is also a reaction to finding out, you are getting on with your life and have boyfriend and he doesn't like the thought of another man may have an input either greater/less then him. Of course it doesn't matter that you have had to come to terms with his partner.

Yes mine also hates having to ask. He keeps saying as much. 'With the new rota in place it will decrease the need for this kind of discussion'. Except we've had a rota in place. Which he hasn't been able to stick to very consistently-because he keeps saying yes to things that don't involve the girls on the nights he has been due to have them. I'm not sure if that will change very much tbh because he doesn't seem to be able to recognise that on nights he is due to have them then he probably shouldn't be making other commitments (and the stuff he usually wants to swap for is beyond his control in terms of scheduling-gigs, work meetings etc-stuff that I say no to, sometimes to my own detriment-when I'm scheduled to have the girls, but that he doesn't seem to see the need to refuse).
What might change however is that I will be less willing to swap around to accommodate him-because he now on the face of it has the rota as he wants it and it's been such hard work getting there.

I have always bailed lcb out. Even when he used to say he had his Mum lined up to help. I’d offer them because she’d have to drive an hour here, find somewhere to take the dc for 3 hours then drive home through rush hour traffic (which I know she hates) and that might take up to 2 hours.
He couldn’t get them from school last week in one of his days because he said he had jury duty.
I’d already decided that the next time he couldn’t get them I’d say no. But I felt jury duty want the time to do that. I guess it’s potentially a lie.
Next time though, I will say no.

He brought the ow here to drop my dc back.
Apparently she was here last weekend too but this is the first I knew and only because as dd came in the door she shouted a loud goodbye to ow.

Ugh.
I can well imagine that that feels like an invasion of your safe space. Something else to add to the list of insensitive shit he's pulled.
You can't even reasonably mention it as he will technically be correct in saying there's no law against her being in the vicinity of your house blah blah... but it's horrible for you and he will know that it is.

So she is sitting in the car with baby for a 2 hour return trip.
What does that say to you ?
She is really insecure.

They didn’t have their activity yesterday. They went to a park then out for tea.
Dd said she was there because they wanted to see her.
It’s ok. I know they like her. I’m ok with it (as much as I can be). But I find it disconcerting to look out my window and see her when it was unexpected.
If I was her, I’d avoid me like the plague. I’d probably have got lcb to park out of sight of my house, especially as she had to get out of the car to switch seats.
I guess she has no shame either.

I’m phoning WA after the dc go to school this morning. I might ask if I can go and speak to someone face to face as I have terrible phone anxiety. But I’m unsure where to start. I still struggle with the feeling I shouldn’t be talking to them (I know!) and talking about it is so hard.
But I guess that’s why I’ve avoided it till now.

I’ll update later on when I get the chance.

I spoke to a lady at WA who gave me a number for a women’s rights legal aid advice line.
It’s busy.
But I have looked at the website and I’m not sure it’s right that I’m calling them.
It’s for violence and rape victims. There’s a video on what to do if you want to report a sexual assault.
I’m not comfortable at all accessing this stuff when there are women out there who are in immediate need.
It feels wrong.
It took so much to call WA and the call lasted a couple of minutes.
I was so flustered and just said I needed advice on the court process. She gave me this number and now I’m not sure I can call again.
Why am I so shit on the phone?!?

Years of his abuse have taken their toll. That is why you feel the way you do. It continues .

Why not write down what you want to say and then call WA back and then the advice line.

Told the dc today that we’re going on holiday!
They are so excited

We went shopping today for some stuff for ds who has his first residential at the end of the month, and, when we were out I said we’d need to get more things because we’re going away !
They were even more excited when they asked if we were going away with the bf and then again when I said his dc were coming too and we’d be going on a plane too.
Tonight they both independently of each other said they were more excited about this holiday than going to DLP with their dad. (I’m aware this is more to do with it being fresher in their minds; and it’s not a competition, but still )

I didn’t get any holiday things for myself today but I’ll need to get that sorted too. I don’t have a stitch because the last time we went abroad I was 5 sizes bigger
I have one swimsuit but it’s not pretty.
I have some sandals. A few t shirts and vests which I generally wear as underwear or jammies .
Managed a very quick look round primark today but nothing caught my eye.
Where can you suggest for very cheap basic shorts, skirts (which I’ve never worn in summer because of chub rub) vests and tshirts?
Also, as my legs will be out —for the first time ever— what should I do to prepare?
I’ve never been on a sunbed, or for a spray tan, or a wax.
Help!!!

I’m feeling flush because my letter came from hmrc yesterday and I’d been so worried for months that I was being overpaid, I’d been scrimping. Basically trying to manage without it at all in case they took it from me but, they have only overpaid me this month by less than £100 so I’ll get only a few quid a month less than the last year.