I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

[Mix56]

But isn't even opening a mail or text from your LCB's auto flagellation?
What can be so important (when the dcs are with you) that needs constant pestering? You know its all about keeping you under pressure, & dominating, My advice would be to ignore them & even block his number. & when you get home reply if imperative. Do not jump to his tune.
re asking for more time Onit. if him having them the extra Sunday evening, & one less week day suits you, let him do it. It sounds like he already has them half the time, he really is not going to get them any more. You know this is all about making HIS life better, less travelling for him, he is finding it difficult... so really it is only motivation by wanting "blocks" instead of single days is to have less travelling. (but it applies to DCs also). you could simply tell him he already has them half the time,, he chose to move that distance away. so just fuck off.
If he does go to court, & I think this is a threat used deliberately upset you, Make sure you can give exact dates & times, you can show how you are prepared to negotiate & comply with his constant demands & in many ways, it would better to have it fixed & stop him constantly changing the contact.

[Mix56]

sorry, confusing passage in above post.....

[AgathaF]

I agree with ignoring him when you are on holiday. He pushes and pushes and pushes until you give him a bit extra. The holiday pestering is a perfect example of that.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I’m off to counselling in a bit.
Had a trip to the docs with ds this morning. Antibiotics. Again.
It always brings me back to the messages. When ds was in hospital.
I get those feelings all over again that he cared so little about ds (and dd).
I can cope with his feelings towards me. But, it’s like a poke in the eye when I revisit that feeling.
The fear of leaving them with him (and her) when they showed so little concern, contempt, for a sick child and a sleeping child.

Counselling has felt odd the last few sessions. Not a great deal to discuss in the present moment. But I’m not sure I’m ready to discuss the bigger issues.

I do have something I’m noticing with the bf which is something I used to do (or not do) with lcb. I don’t ask questions. I’m scared of the reaction to asking. Like it’s none of my business. Or that asking will make me seem less likeable (nosey, pushy, annoying, idk).
Example, bf went to his eldest ds’s wedding this weekend. I wasn’t invited. That’s fine. I’ve never met his ds. And it seems even some close family weren’t invited. But... I wanted bf to ask me. Or at least say he’d asked his ds but he’d said no because of whatever.
I probably couldn’t have gone anyway. It was half a country away, I had the dc. I couldn’t afford a dress etc. But why couldn’t I talk to him about it?
I sit there quietly sometimes with him and he asks what I’m thinking and I cant speak up. I could be full of questions but I can’t ask because I don’t want to upset him? Or make him not like me?
It’s not good, is it?


Sorry, waffling on.
Guess it’s what I have a therapist for. Not you guys lol

[TheLastNigel]

I would generally let him know how they are when we are away. (If only because I need him to do the same in reverse for my peace of mind whilst they are away with him)Plus I had to keep my phone on as my mum is very poorly. But other than that, it would certainly be preferable to block him, agreed.

It's hard when you are used to being one way in a relationship onit to then go to another one and change that.you almost have to reprogram yourself. Might be one for the counsellor-she might give you some tips...but really you just have to start small I think, ask about little things and build up your confidence!

[Mix56]

but onit, if he is asking you what you are thinking, you must reply, if it causes a scene or he doesn't like it, then it shows you the true bones of the relationship. If it means you break up, that is necessary.
You have been there before, please don't become a people pleaser, you do not want a re-run.
if you are keeping quiet to not make waves, you are not being yourself.
Tell him what you are thinking, tell him sometimes you keep quiet as you are worried he won't like what you say. Honesty is absolutely the only path to take. If indeed he doesn't like what you say, well, he has to go.

[AgathaF]

I agree, speak up if he asks. Look at it from his point of view, maybe he thinks you're holding back on him because you're not as keen on him as he is on you.
The wedding maybe raises other points though. I can understand why you weren't invited if you've not met the son. But because you perhaps would have liked to be invited, maybe that's a sign that it's time to extend your relationship a little, met up with some of his wider family and friends, let him meet up with yours, or your friends. It sounds to me like your relationship has now reached that stage.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

So I worry I’m going to say the wrong thing or my opinion will put him off or I’ll appear too needy or that I don’t believe him when he says he loves me.

I entwined all this to my counsellor and she’s basically saying the same. He’s not my ex, and I need to learn to speak up. He’s not going to punish me for asking him questions and if he does then it’s not a healthy relationship either.

Then I walk out of my session going “ok. When I speak to him tonight I’m going to ask him if he’d wanted to ask me. Why he didn’t. Or had he asked his ds and he’d said no” Or whatever.
I check my phone as I get outside and it’s a message from him asking if I fancy going on holiday?
I says “holiday?”
And he replies “when you go away for a break for a week”
With his dbro and his gf.
And his dc, and my dc

I’m still going to ask about the wedding but, I think it’s safe to say he really does like me
I’m so happy.
No idea how I’ll pay for it but we’re bloody going if it kills me

[MsPavlichenko]

Great News re the holiday! You are right though, as are PPs, you need to be able to say/ask whatever you want. Regardless of his response. Holiday is great really, but you don't want always to be waiting for him to suggest/dictate stuff. You need to be able to do so too.

And I don't have shares, really.

But, Freedom Programme.

[TheLastNigel]

Yaaaaaassss! Holiday! Whoop whoop it onit! Will be brilliant for you all!

[AgathaF]

Great news - a holiday

You need to have more faith in yourself.

[Mix56]

Wow, this is really going places ! (sic)
But Yes Onit, if you are not completely yourself with him, (singing out loud along to the radio, for example) or if he says, "what are you thinking about", you say, "I was thinking, that as we seem to be in such a good place, why didn't you talk the wedding through with me? tell me it was awkward, or son was anti, or XW doesn't need upset, at your son's wedding, or you're not ready..... but talking about it would seem the healthiest solution."

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Sorry I’ve been AWOL. I’m preparing for battle.
I’m expecting the papers at some point so I’ve been printing out all the emails from the past 2 years.
I have various coloured post it’s to mark all the things I need to highlight; missed contact etc.
Been tearing my hair out.

Hope everyone else is ok.

[Mix56]

Oh shit Onit, he really is doing this ?

[AgathaF]

Preparation is good.

Has your solicitor told you to expect papers, or LCB?

[Mix56]

I would be angry now, fierce, coal black eyed livid.
How dare he take your life, stamp all over it, ruin your house, home, family, he has made a new life,
& now he keeps sticking that stick in the wound...Bastard

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I’ve no time to be furious lol so not necessarily a bad thing.

Emails have been easy enough to print.
It’ll take a few hours to mark them up and take notes under the various categories.

I’ve already noted that he’s missed at least one after school contact a month since October. I’d guess that’s going to be around the average since he left.

This weekend just passed, he neglected to give ds his last 2 days of a course of antibiotics.
It’s only been a few weeks since he didn’t complete the dcs treatment for head lice and obviously both these instances caused me significant inconvenience not to mention the dcs wellbeing and health being compromised.
In a skim of the emails as they’ve been printing, I’ve noticed at least one other similar instance.

Nothing officially yet Agatha but it’s definitely happening.

He’s demanding EOW from school finish on Friday (half day here) to dropping off at school on Monday morning.
So the dc wouldn’t see me from Friday at 8.30am till 6pm on a Monday night EOW.
He also wants at least 3 weeks of the summer holidays and a week at easter and Christmas.

I have looked back at easter just gone and he had 5 overnights and 7 days (1 of those was 2 half days iykwim) out of 16. Not consecutive days but then I didn’t get more than 3 days together either.
Christmas I had them late Christmas Eve and all Christmas Day but he had them for 2 days before and 3 days after. There were other days too because my term time doesn’t run in the Christmas holidays.
So he’s arguing for what???
Twat

[Mix56]

so actually he has half already? fucking idiot

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

He probably doesn’t have as much in the summer but I bet the vast majority of parents (even those in 2 parent households) don’t get 3 full weeks with their children.
Most of those I know who don’t have term time jobs or flexible working (or specifically the dads in these partnerships) spend lots of money on holiday clubs.
I honestly think he believes he’s special in some way.
If it wasn’t sad that he’s basically spending money that my dc could benefit from, it’d be funny.
Maybe he’s not content with them having only one poor parent. I guess it’ll be another thing he can blame me for; making him and his new family poor too.

Just don’t know why?

[AgathaF]

Just don’t know why? - control, pure and simple. He clearly doesn't give that much of a shit about the DC if he wants to uproot them from their home, mother, friends and social life for that many weeks during the summer.

[Dowser]

Following this with interest onit.
My friend has had to hand her children over to their seemingly disinterested dad.
It’s been very traumatic. It’s been 8 weeks since she’s seen them.
Holiday sounds good.
I knew me and new dh were seen as a couple when we got an invite to his colleagues wedding.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Oh dowser your poor friend

I’ve spent 3 hours taking screenshots of the last 2 years of texts.
Going to be a nightmare printing them!

I am not coping well with revisiting some of these. And the thought of having to do more than just skim read them is horrifying.

I need a team of emotionally disconnected readers and note takers. But I guess that’s what lawyers are and they cost a lot.
I’m the cheapest option but I’m not sure I can do it. It’s enough to make me want to hide under the duvet and weep.
I’m still in yesterdays clothes which I slept in. And I haven’t the strength to move of the couch.
Schools out in less than 2 hours and I don’t know what to do.

[MsPavlichenko]

Have you posted in Legal? Might be worth it for some advice. My concern would be that you are investing a huge amount of time and energy atm in scrolling through stuff that might not even looked at/needed. Am not sure but may be that without any serious issues re current arrangements status quo will be preferred . Didn't you say way back that your lawyer said that was most likely preference in Scotland?

May be worth sounding out.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I need to do something!
My lawyer said that. But his lawyer must think he has a case. I’m confident he won’t get the school night/s he wants but I’m terrified he’ll take my dc for weeks at a time in the summer.
I need to look at it all so I can defend the current position.
I can’t afford representation for this. So I have to do it all myself. And, as other here have said before, even if I had a lawyer, they can only work with the info I provide.
If I go to see a lawyer I’d like to have the bulk of the research done so it costs less.

[JackieReacher]

name changer but long time supporter here. On the basis that he is effectively wasting legal fees and court time for pushing for what he already has but does not actually take up because of last minute cancellations, there would (in a commercial court) be a costs penalty for him taking pointless action. It's worth you speaking to your old solicitor to see if they'll at least send a letter saying that they will be seeking their full costs of objecting to the application on the basis of him making a bad faith application (or similar) - so he'd be bearing both sets of costs plus court fees. That letter would be shown to the court to demonstrate that he is wasting their time for his own kicks. This is UK / commercial law based so obviously check with your Scottish family solicitor but if you can head him off early it will save you some pain. What a total prick for failing to give his own child medicines correctly. I hope OW is seeing him for his true colours as a parent at this point