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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone know any good resources on addiction/trauma bonding/codependency ?

157 replies

Wadingthroughshit · 02/04/2018 17:35

Hi, I posted three days ago about my “relationship” so I won’t go into it too much.
I just wondered if people could share their experiences of leaving abusive relationships, being codependent or addicted to the intense highs and lows of the relationship? And if you knew of any good resources ? I have signed up for Kim Saeed, and looked into love addiction meetings (anlthough closed is 60 miles away).
We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...I know this relationship has completely eroded me, yet I cannot help reply/ long for/ache.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 02/04/2018 19:28

Anybody ?

OP posts:
MoreMoneyMoreProblems · 02/04/2018 20:25

Sadly I left one shit relationship for another.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 02/04/2018 20:30

Sorry to hear that more ... what happened?

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MoreMoneyMoreProblems · 03/04/2018 00:00

He was incredibly mentally abusive.

Every time we argued he made me believe it was because of my mental health. Even took me to the doctors to get my medication increased.

If he did anything wrong, he'd apologise and then proceed to tell me why it was my fault and how I pushed him to act/react like that.

I couldn't and didn't want to leave because I genuinely believed I needed him to live, I actually believed that without him, I'd be nothing, no one.

The relationship was horrendous, I walked on eggshells.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 03/04/2018 00:23

Flowers for you both.

I bought Co-dependency for Dummies, which was pretty straightforward but gave me a good overview of the whole thing. I also went along to a CODA meeting (Like AA, a 12 step program) but most of the people there seemed to have other addictions and traumatic pasts so I felt a bit of a fraud being there for my addiction to an unsuitable partner.

I've been having counselling which helped a bit to get my mid in the right place to leave him, and I have just started on ADs so I hope they will help me to get over this hump too.

It really is shit, when you are addicted to someone who can't give you what you need. There are lots of good online articles that might help, but essentially it is just like any other addiction, you need to go cold turkey, no texting, sex or contact of any kind, break the habit and give yourself a chance to heal.

Put all the energy you're putting into him into yourself instead. Self care is key, be kind to yourself and shower yourself in all the love you wish you had from him.

Paradiso1 · 03/04/2018 01:04

I've recently broken up with an abusive lunatic narcissist. I've read loads of books. Some of the good ones are The Betrayal Bond and another one called Psychopath Free. Also Conquering Shame and Codependency.

sameoldsame · 03/04/2018 06:24

Time and no contact
Seem to be the only options
And don’t blame yourself for this at all
Don’t think the next person he is with is better than you
Block block block

daisychain01 · 03/04/2018 06:42

We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...

He may want it, but your first step towards moving forward must be to create distance. You've said you're no longer in the relationship so that's your own personal starting point.

Don't meet him, don't contact him, get rid 100%. There's no space in your life anymore to a half-way-house.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 07:14

Thank you everybody , I will look into the books thag have been suggested. I think I may also get some legal advice, not necessarily to prosecute, but to help me understand what has happened. Sexual coercion and abuse. He also told me he logs into his ex’s Facebook account to look at his last girlfriends Facebook as she took thei son.
He couldn’t get hold of me last night as I was on the phone to domestic violence helpline (no physical violence) ... then told me that if he feels I’m not contacting him or shrugging his texts of he will block me.
He then went on to make sure I knew why we’re not together, because I want a family and a husband and he he can’t offer that. This is after a year of repeatedly asking me to marry him, which he disputed saying “I genuinely only remember saying that in the beginning”.
Did it help any of you to try and define what has happened ? Did you use legal/woman’s aid ? Are there any good articles on narcissistic absurer profiles? And did anyone attempt to make contact with ex’s of theirs? That’s a lot of questions, sorry, my head is a whirlwind.
The reason I mention the ex’s is because he consistently told me he’d never been this way with anyone before, that it was me that brought it all out, he’s never been able to be so open etc. Blah blah blah shite

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Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 07:23

morenoney that really is abhorrent...I’m sorry you were treated this way...I cannot understand how anyone could be so cruel..why do these people do such things, what’s wrong with them.
my relationship I will look into CODA thank you. It’s horrendous seeing how many people are treated so badly

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Addy2 · 03/04/2018 07:29

Beat him to the punch and block him first, OP. Why are you still allowing him to get in your head?

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 07:38

addy because I’m distraught over what has happened, I still feel for me, although logically I know not being with him is definitely the right thing. He made promises about the future, was and still is to an extent incredibly controlling and manipulative. Tells me why we’ve broken up is because he can’t commit to the next step (me renting a house in his town,not marriage or moving in), which is fine, he entitled to that, but then tells me is not him that wants us to change, that he loves me. I feel shell of myself, confused, upset, angry and dazed

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Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 08:35

Actually I don’t want to use the word distraught just now...angry, sad, confused and cheap is better

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MoreMoneyMoreProblems · 03/04/2018 08:54

Oh op, I was exactly the same when we first split.

I just couldn't understand how he could say all the nice things, make me fall for him and then do the things he did.

He also said the same to me as your ex did you. That he'd never been the same with exes, he'd never felt like this with anyone as he did me. That I made him the way he was.

I actually contacted his ex, turns out he's a compulsive liar and treated his ex exactly the same way! I now know his current gf isn't better than me, she simply is next victim.

VioletCharlotte · 03/04/2018 09:08

You have GOT to block him and go nc. I've read your other threads, this man is a vile, abusive, manipulative piece of shit.

You say you're addicted to him, you can't live without him, etc. The ONLY way to move on is to go completely cold turkey. Block him and find things to do to fill your time.

You will feel like absolutely crap for a while, but eventually you'll heal. While you're constantly thinking about him/ talking to him/ starting threads about him: reading about codependency, you're never going to move on.

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 09:14

moremoney how long after the spilt did you get in touch with ex’s ?
violet I know you’re right, but I’m just in a haze just now and trying to make sense so I can move on and see it for what it is. I will read up on the resources and see if I can complete a programme to help. It’s just my nature to understand and define things

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daisychain01 · 03/04/2018 09:34

If you don't mind me saying, it's futile making sense of someone's lies because it isn't meant to make sense. He's deceived you so wasting energy working it out will mean you stay stuck in the past and not empowering yourself to progress to a new positive life. You deserve better

VioletCharlotte · 03/04/2018 09:50

If I were you, rather than looking backwards and trying to make sense of what happened, why not do some research into how to move forwards by building your self esteem?

People targeted by abusers typically have low self esteem (not judging, I've been there) and feel they're 'not good enough'. Abusers use this to manipulate you.

picklemepopcorn · 03/04/2018 10:01

The freedom programme would be worth looking into, I would think. He sounds manipulative.

You seem to understand how he operates, which puts you in a good starting position. You just need to get rid!

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 10:02

daisy and violet I understand what you’re saying about moving forward, I want to, i absolutely have to. But I can’t stop things swirling around in my head, I feel as though I have unanswered questions, I feel as though I wouldn’t feel so so shit of stuff hadn’t gone on. I am being childish, and I don’t want to act from a place of anger and upset, so I keep telling myself, see how you feel in a few days. I want to contact his ex’s as a purely selfish endeavour, as well as tell one that he’s secretly logging onto her Facebook. And there were other woman, I want to find out what really happened there. He said nothing, but would receive underwear pictures , and then day he blocked one of them because “she sucks the life out of me” and wouldn’t tell me anymore, not that I’m able to press him on anything.

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sameoldsame · 03/04/2018 11:26

You will never get the answers you want
I know from experience
Have you thought about counselling or cbt to help you deal with your ongoing swirling thoughts and your patterns

Paradiso1 · 03/04/2018 12:15

@WadingThroughShit I couldn't find any previous posts from you about your relationship, so I've no idea what happened. However, re contacting his ex it's certainly something to consider. I was fortunate enough to have a conversation with my abuser's ex and it was so validating. Even before I had a chance to say anything she blurted out "He's a narcissist. Run!"

Original poster
Wadingthroughshit · 03/04/2018 13:26

Thank you sameoldsame I am on the waiting list for CBT and currently having counselling through my uni.
paradiso1 were you still with your bf when you spoke with his ex? I feel if I have a conversation it may too be validating for me as im stuck on his comments “I’ve never been like this before, you bring this out in me, I’ve never trusted anyone like this before, I’ve never felt this way before”

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M0RVEN · 03/04/2018 13:32

I think counselling would help you.

And doing the freedom programme.

It also might help to write everything down, get it out of your head. Also it’s easier to asses your own thoughts when you are written down, you can ask yourself “ is this rational / logical / plausible ? “ .

M0RVEN · 03/04/2018 13:32

Sorry I mean “ I think the counselling will help you “