Does anyone know any good resources on addiction/trauma bonding/codependency ?

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi, I posted three days ago about my “relationship” so I won’t go into it too much.
I just wondered if people could share their experiences of leaving abusive relationships, being codependent or addicted to the intense highs and lows of the relationship? And if you knew of any good resources ? I have signed up for Kim Saeed, and looked into love addiction meetings (anlthough closed is 60 miles away).
We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...I know this relationship has completely eroded me, yet I cannot help reply/ long for/ache.

@springydaff thank you for sharing about the CODA meetings. Do you feel they helped ? I will definitely go to some sort of group.

There really are some fruitcake ex’s out there!!

@WadingthroughShit

If you enjoy and want to go with the strangers, it's fine and that is your choice. But I think what you are saying is that you really do not want to? If that is the case then you absolutely have to stop doing it.

Wading do you really enjoy sleeping with strangers in cars? If so, then crack on. But I get the impression, from what you're saying, that you don't.

You're a Mum, you're doing a PhD, so you're obviously intelligent. You're so much better than this. I really wish you'd realise it.

If a friend told you her boyfriend was treating her like this, what would you say to her? Would you tell her it's her fault and she's brought this on herself? I don't think you would.

I haven’t slept with anyone in a car...I’ve had contact with three men, one whose car I got into (but did absolutely nothing with, I told him I’d meet somewhere else and didn’t go) , one who we had a threesome with and one who came to my house and I gave oral to. All encouraged by ex, at times pressured. I can’t look at videos of the threesome, I’ve cried about it many times, but I consented to it. Its upsetting when someone you love constantly talks about you being with other people, but I went along with it, albeit not as enthusiastically as he hoped at times, so I contributed to it. I wanted to keep him happy, so I disappeared. Sex always involves me telling stories about things I’ve done, me being a “good girl” , 99% made up or things from my past. I pretend I found the threesome hot, so it’s not his fault that he thinks that, but really I cringe, I lost a little part of me. I am sexually adventurous, but this didn’t feel like two people on a venture, I slotted in. The unwanted ad on Craigslist and giving out my address are broken records in my head.
I’m being ridiculous, it’s now me with the problem and my desire to work out what’s happened to me, why I feel constantly anxious and seemingly obsession with what’s going on, as well as my inability to take control.
Im sorry everyone. You’ve given amazing advice. I will attend CODA as I’ve said, and continue with counselling.
I’m so sorry we’ve been through this. I can’t understand it at all

CODA will do nothing for you imo
This is fucking scary
What would you do if your child said they were in this situation and they had been coerced into making a video of them being fucked by two other people and they then spent the whole day crying after it?
And then they were forced to watch the video of themselves being fucked, when they didn’t really want to be fucked by others
What if your child said to you, they let a man put his cock in their mouth who they didn’t know, because their partner wanted them to
What if your child told you all of this.

You sound like you've got a lot of time on your hands to think about things.

It might try to help to fill your day with stuff as much as possible, get out and about, see people, exercise. Anything to drown out what's going on in your head.

If this sleazebag is just giving out your home address to random perverts off the internet, that's not very safe for you or your child.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/0801.htm

and I am sorry if i came across as harsh
I am SO angry on your behalf. I want to pick you up and shake you and tell you that you’re worth 10000 times more than this.
He had groomed you completely. Look at those girls in Rochdale. He’s doing the same to you.
You need to start to save yourself. You ARE worth more

I’m sorry, it’s not some deep and complex dynamic that you can find some unique and special psychological explanation for. It’s just plain old abuse. Happens to women and children up and down the country every day.

He’s an abuser and you are his victim. Soon I expect your child will also be his victim. He more than likely has other women like you.

He doesn’t need to use a knife or gun or threaten to beat you up. He’s messed with your head instead, made you redefine yourself as this sexually adventurous person who likes doing all these things. When it’s all bollocks and you hate most of it most of the time.

He’s your pimp. He’s getting money and/or sexual gratification from prostituting you with these men. And you don’t even get paid. You just get a few crumbs of his approval .

You’ve already had a breakdown and soon you will start self medicating to cope with the psychological distress. You will stop studying. But you will be SO GRATEFUL to him for sticking by you when you are such a mess.

Eventually you will lose your child, to social services or a family member. And your addictions to him and your substance of choice will be all you will have, so you will cling onto them even more.

I’m sorry , I know this sounds harsh. I’m sure you think you are not the kind of women this happens to. But there’s not a “ type” of victim. It happens to women of all social classes, incomes, ages, educational backgrounds etc.

Please Stop all contact with him and get some help.

@sameoldsame you weren’t harsh, you’re taking time to try and shake me out of this and I really do appreciate it. I don’t even want to think about it happening to my child.
@VioletCharlotte I don’t have much time on my hands at all, I’m doing a full time post grad as well as being a mother, it’s TAKEN my time. He would get pissed at me at night if I had to study. Not every time, but enough to make me feel anxious about telling him, as well as just not studying at all. There was one period when he spent time on the phone to me throughout the day telling me don’t have time for him anymore, that was a week of that and intermittently since. Speaking of that, he’s blocked me again because I didn’t message back quick enough last night. So that what he does, sometimes is okay for me to study and sometimes accusing me of having no time. BUT he CONSTANTLY tells me that I always have something else to do, and makes me feel bad about it, then he’ll either block me, give me silent treatment or say something like “sorry I’m too busy to talk”.

@MORVEN really really really struck a cord...I already take diazepam and sleeping pills. And you mentioned feeling grateful for him staying when I’m a mess , that’s exactly what happened. He’s never had money, but it’s his fantasy and it’s taken over. He said to me “I’ve never had a relationship like this before and I certainly won’t again” ... does he not have any idea how fucking shit that makes me feel, as though my fault for bringing it out in him. He said he spoke about things with his ex wife, but he also told me he never loved her and he can’t believe he married her and he only did it because he felt pressured.

Anyway, he’s blocked me, and I’m NOT chasing him this time...so here’s to my first day of NC. I can do this.

Did anyone feel as though they’re memory suffered after such traumatic relationships? I simply can’t remember things, he played on that too, told me that he’s done or said xyz but I know he hasn’t because they’ve always been significant things. Anyway, I feel as though I’ve deteriorated cognitivly, please tell me it’ll come back !

OP I mean this kindly but you have normalised some terrible things.
You need to get some perspective on how abusive this man is.
He wanted you to have sex with him and another man while your child was upstairs.
The normal response to someone who suggested that would be horror disgust and never wanting to speak to them again. Can you see this?

Go to the police. This man is destroying you, his level of control over you is beyond scary. You have been groomed 100% and this is sexual abuse. Do you have any close friends/family that you can go to? Do not contact this man, this will get worse and you are seriously at risk on so many levels.
I absolutely understand how confused you feel, but please for yours and your child's safety, go to the police today. You are being controlled and groomed into being this mans toy, he has serious mental health issues and is unsafe.
Sorry to sound harsh, but this is scary and possibly one of the most scary situations I have read on here. Please get help today. Xx

@wadingthroughshit

I'm not sure how much any of us here can help you at this point. If you cannot see that this abuser's behaviour is severely abusive, then there's nothing more I, for one, can say.

If you can't care about your own welfare, surely you care about your child's? It's just not safe or OK for random perverts from the internet to be traipsing over to your home expecting you to service them (and goodness knows what else). If Social Services found out they might even take your child away from you for his/her own protection.

You have said you are already in therapy. Is the therapist any good? Any therapy worth their weight would have made it clear to you that this is a dangerous and severely abusive situation.

As another poster already said, this is way past codependency. I wouldn't even bother expending effort on going to those CODA meetings. You need an intervention, and quick.

I’m glad my posts ring a bell with you. There are many women here on MN who have been through similar things. Some of them have posted here to try to help you. There are also RL groups who will support you to leave this man.

However I’m not sure how much it helps you to have continued discussion and debate here about how your abuser functions and why he’s doing this and that. It’s almost as if you want to understand him more so you can tolerate the abuse better. And I’m sorry, no one on MN is going to make you feel better about being abused so you can stay.

Posters here want to help you open your eyes so you can see what is happening and LEAVE.

The important issues for you are firstly to leave and keep you/and your child safe.

And secondly to get psychological help to see why you stayed. So you don’t repeat this pattern in the future, by getting together with another man who is a different type of abuser.

Analysing him and reading resources isn’t your top priority right now.

You have ignored posters questions about your child’s safety. I’m wondering where your child is when strangers come to your house to abuse you or when you do threesomes or car meets?

What will you do when the next man wants to involve your child in some way ? Won’t you have to comply otherwise your abuser will say “ FFS” to you and be angry ? There’s big money to be made for your abuser this way, I’m sure he will soon move onto it.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to scare you, just be realistic. I know dozens of women who have lost their child/ten permanently because they were unable or unwilling to leave an abusive man and quit their other addictions. They all loved their children, just like you do.

Please take decisive action now and don’t wait for social services to appear at your door.

Anyway, he’s blocked me, and I’m NOT chasing him this time...so here’s to my first day of NC. I can do this

My dear, it’s not No Contact when HE doesn’t contact you for the day to punish you for your disobedience.

It’s No Contact when YOU tell HIM never to contact you again and you block him from every single platform ( Facebook, email, mobile, WhatsApp ) . And you don’t speak to anyone who tries to pass on messages about him.

And you then contact the police if you ever hear from him again.

Did anyone feel as though they’re memory suffered after such traumatic relationships? I simply can’t remember things, he played on that too, told me that he’s done or said xyz but I know he hasn’t because they’ve always been significant things. Anyway, I feel as though I’ve deteriorated cognitivly, please tell me it’ll come back !

Thai is not your memory it’s an abuse tactic called gas lighting. Google it.

Thanks @wading - it’s really not easy. The push/pull behaviour can be so addictive. I think there’s some gas lighting going on here, the same thing happened to me, he’d tell me black was white and made me feel crazy.

Considering everything I’m feeling remarkably strong but perhaps I now have the control to decide whether I take him back or not. I came home to a letter and a bar of my favourite chocolate from him, I’ve not read the letter yet but am scoffing the chocolate (I presumed he didn’t poison it).

It’s so easy for me to say to never go back but I know how hard it is. When I truly look at my ex and everything he’s done I wonder if there’s even a shred of good in him but yet still have times when I want him.

Take support where you can OP.

UPDATE - I went back and forth a few more times, spent a couple of days with him and his son (I wasn’t going to spend the day, I booked a hair appointment, but he walked down the stairs behind me saying “name isn’t coming with us tomorrow she’d rather do other things and get her hair done” to his son, so I drove home early had hair done as quickly as possible then drove nearly two hours to meet them again. When I arrived he told me he’d been asked out by a 25 year old. Anyway, that was last Saturday, told me again the following Monday that he loves me but won’t commit to a future and we’re not officially together. I was sitting in a lecture ready to block, then ended up driving through, and he cried to me about missing his son (who had gone home Sunday night).
Spoke to my CPN and health visitor who told me I must go to woman’s aid ( as you all had) ... I went Thursday and we discussed emotional psychological abuse, manipulation and sexual exploitation. I was meant to drive through that night (Thursday) I got half way had a massive panic attack and turned around.
Went to see my friend, constructed a text,just saying I found it too conflicting and confusing and that I felt a bit poorly because of it all and that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t contact.
I answered the phone to no caller ID Later that night, told me to lose his number and that I was a cunt.
Massive panic attack , and no contact since

Go back to Womens Aid. Do the Freedom Programme asap!

He is not your friend. You don't contact him to tell him to stop contacting you - of course he contacted you the moment you told him not to! He is an abuser. Terrifying abuser, actually.

do get all support in place. You'll need it as you work your way out of this relationship, head and heart

Well done for being strong and not talking to him since last week.
Just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.
He’s a horrific abusive human. Hopefully in time you’ll be able to see that more clearly.
Keep him blocked

Thank you @springydaff and @sameoldsame ... I noticed he’d removed me from Spotify today and that brought on a panic attack as well as anger and upset, but I imagine that’s all part of it. I’ve calmed down now. Imagine being that way, reeling people in and then batting them around like a cat with a mouse, and yet I’m the cunt ! God only knows, god only knows !!

Well done for taking the first steps.

Do you have another appointment with women’s aid ?

Hi @MORVEN yes I’m seeing my case worker lady on Tuesday.
I really wanted to update also to say a big massive thank you, genuinely helped me see things in a more rational light. Thank you so much for taking the time.

You will have ups and downs, that’s only natural. One minute you will see clearly what a dangerous bastard he is, and next you will be missing him and desperate to call him just to hear his voice.

You need Plan for these low moments.