Does anyone know any good resources on addiction/trauma bonding/codependency ?

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi, I posted three days ago about my “relationship” so I won’t go into it too much.
I just wondered if people could share their experiences of leaving abusive relationships, being codependent or addicted to the intense highs and lows of the relationship? And if you knew of any good resources ? I have signed up for Kim Saeed, and looked into love addiction meetings (anlthough closed is 60 miles away).
We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...I know this relationship has completely eroded me, yet I cannot help reply/ long for/ache.

We’re not together @springdaff ... he broke up with me, or I did him, I’m not sure ... anyway he now goes between blocking me then unblocking me and telling me he doesn’t want anything to change, that he loves me and I’m his dirty girl.
I’m so irresponsible here. I’m pulled and torn. I’ve just messaged a few CODA meeting leaders that have meetings near me.
I started this post as more of an insatiable need to understand what’s happened to me and why I feel as though I have no personality left, and why I feel no power

Coda leader has just got back to me...I’m going to a meeting on Friday...has anyone been before ?

Also, I don’t want to come across as too pathetic ... I had tried to leave several times. He’d beg, tell me he’s getting help, told me once he thinks he may have cancer and that he had had blood tests which he then told me they’d come back and he’s got low folic acid, other than that he has never mentioned it again and very vague. I am morning for all the good times and he is the funniest person I’ve ever met

OK, this is outrageous. If you simply refused to ever have sex with these other men etc what do you believe this bastard would do to you? Would he get violent?

How and where did you first meet him?

I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist until recently. He kept "grooming" me in the sense he kept talking about increasingly deviant sexual behaviours and trying to get me to see such things as normal. I just consistently said, "there is no way in hell" and he would let the subject go, but then bring it up another time. This is a man who pretends to the outside world that he is a conservative, deeply spiritual Muslim businessman, who believes in marriage, family and true love. But a typical conversation with him at breakfast might begin with him casually mentioning how he had a threesome with a shemale and his best female friend a few months ago and how much he enjoyed going down on and being penetrated as a man (he pretends to the outside world to be heterosexual). Then he'd casually say he wants me to be penetrated by his shemale friend while he watches and masturbates, as if this was the most 'normal' thing in the world. He would then very careful monitor my response and facial expression. On the 3rd or so date he showed me a video of some kind of BDSM torture orgy and said he and I should go there so we could "f*ck openly in front of other people" and engage in torture stuff. I was sitting there thinking "Can't we just like go to a restaurant or something and eat dinner?" Again, he carefully watched my reaction. He seemed to realise he just wasn't going to be able to get me to engage in it. But maybe he has got others to? Against their will?

I’m so sorry you went through that @Paradiso1 ... were you together long? He sounds like mine. The constant suggesting , when I said I wanted the “noise” to go away, he would minimise, tell me we’re just two deviants able to explore. There’s nothing wrong with it per se , but I definitely felt/feel pressure.

We had a threesome, which felt completely surreal , but I literally threw myself into it. I cried a few hours later, the next morning and all the way home.

If I reply to somebody that he tells me to reply to, if I do it wromy, he tells me off, gives me silent treatment and picks apart my personality.

@Paradiso1 what was the final straw for you?

@Wadingthroughshit

Just his general shitty behaviour is what made me distance myself from him in the end. His endless lies. His drug abuse issues. His sexual performance issues (lasts 30 seconds and goes into psychological meltdown after sex). Underneath the facade he is a rage-filled, physically ugly, skinny, disgusting, degenerate little man, with a 3 inch willy.

Supposedly (according to him) he was my boyfriend. But after 6 months he announced: "You came along at a vulnerable time for me, when I was feeling really horny. You were just....there. What do you expect me to do, go to prostitutes?"

He even has major Madonna/Whore Complex. He fully intends to marry a 20 year old virgin from some village in Pakistan one day. He sees any woman who has sex before marriage as a worthless whore who deserves to be treated like a semen receptacle and used and abused. So, erm....if he's so spiritually righteous, how come he's smoking weed every day (as far as I can tell), doing cocaine, shagging anything and everything with a pulse, banging prostitutes, driving drunk etc etc?

I hope you will reach a point where you see this "man" you are with as the worthless piece of shit that he is.

As far as making you go with other men, how does he even know whether you go through with it or not? Were you using protection? If not, please do get tested for your own peace of mind x

he announced: "You came along at a vulnerable time for me, when I was feeling really horny. You were just....there. What do you expect me to do, go to prostitutes?"

That’s exactly right Paradiso. He didn’t love you , whatever he claimed. You were just a free alternative to a prostitute . ( BTW not implying that prostituted women should be abused by these men either ).

Well done on finding the courage to escape from his grasp.

OP, do you believe it when we tell that you you are being abused?

Would you consider phoning women’s aid?

Coda leader has just got back to me...I’m going to a meeting on Friday...has anyone been before ?. I went to one. It was a lovely calm atmosphere, very respectful, lots of rules around what can and can’t be discussed. But it seemed to be mainly people with other addiction issues too, alcohol and drugs, with the codependency as a side issue from caring for alcoholic parents etc so I felt a bit of a fraud being there solely because of my relationship issues.

But you are way past codependent - this is a massively abusive relationship and you need some extensive counselling to help you see how wrong this all is and how much more you deserve.

@Paradiso1 he sounds abhorrent and grim, thank god you really see what he is. God knows what damage he’ll go on to do, CREEP. Did you fall for him initially? You came along at a vulnerable time, what a shit head, loser and cowardly.

@MORVEN I think you hit he nail on the head re free prostitute.
Sometimes I think it’s abusive, other times I genuinely don’t and think it’s my perception of the situation. I get anxious when sex is mentioned, or in the evenings sometimes as so many of them have been lost to sex talk. Anyway, I think that can make me inclined to overreact in my head. Then I try to rationalise things and alter my behaviour to fit around him a bit better such as texting back quicker or even not studying at night.

@MyRelationshipisWeird were you at the meeting purely because of codependency then? I’m glad you found it to be calm ... how many times did you go? The leader said I could phone her but I have no phone signal because of the weather !

I feel incredibly anxious today

@MORVEN

It's harsh, and it hurt like f*ck. But when somebody tells you you're basically a free alternative to a prostitute, there's no way to misinterpret. NO ONE would EVER say such a thing to somebody they valued or liked or respected even a tiny bit. It's that simple.

When this bastard's abuse got really bad, my brother actually phoned him up to give him a warning to back off. To my brother, he said: "Oh it's not like that. Your sister was my girlfriend and I respect her soooo much. If anyone ever tried to hurt her I'd be the first one standing up to defend her."

And of course to my face, that very same bastard had said I was basically an unpaid prostitute, and I was never his girlfriend. And that he only ever liked me, at most, as a friend.

Piece of shit.

@Wadingthrougshit

Here's the thing, hun. My abuser is a pathetic, abusive, unhinged little prick. But the guy you've been with is actually even more dangerous. You've got to get out ASAP my love!

@paradiso01 your brother phoned, so did everyone around you see how bad it was ? How long did you hurt for ? I know that’s an incredibly subjective feeling/question. What a horrendous experience.
Why do you think my abuser is worse ? That’s the first time I’ve referred to him as that, I deleted it twice

Sometimes I think it’s abusive, other times I genuinely don’t and think it’s my perception of the situation

Op, coercing someone into sexual activity they don’t want is abusive. If you don’t believe me and the others on this thread, please phone women’s aid. They will soon tell if you are wasting their time and it’s not abusive , it’s totally normal and it’s all in your head.

He’s made you sleep with other men when you don’t want to. He’s your pimp, not your BF.

Please listen to paradiso.

Yes I’ve never been to any 12 step meetings before so it was quite alien to me, but I guess to people who’ve done AA etc it is a familiar set up. I only went once because everyone else had stories of childhood abuse and alcoholic parents etc so I felt a bit silly talking about my own failed vaguely abusive relationship. I honestly think you’d get more out of counselling than a Coda meeting though.

Why do you think my abuser is worse ? That’s the first time I’ve referred to him as that, I deleted it twice

Like so many things, naming it and acknowledging it can be the first step to overcoming it. Xx

@Wadingthroughshit

Why did I call your "boyfriend" an abuser? Because he's forcing you to have sex with random strangers!!!!!! And from what you've shared, that is not the only abusive stuff he is doing to you either.

I'd imagine your therapist has mentioned that none of it is OK? Have you spoken to any Domestic Abuse organisations yet?

I am very aware I will sound like a broken record so I’m really sorry but I want to be honest...he didn’t force me as such...he spoke about it constantly, multiple times a day, at times if I didn’t want to talk about it, if I was busy studying or muming, or even if I replied in the wrong way, he would become short with me, or give me a little silent treatment, or make me feel bad saying I don’t have enough time for him. Although I expressed my upset over it probably seriously around 7 or 8 times as it caused a lot of upset, we always started it again, and I would go along with it. It caused me a lot of anxiety, ALOT. I had a breakdown around Christmas. If I did it right, depending what it was, for example, signed up to a swinging site where I would have to screenshot everything and/ or give him the password, he would tell me he loves me, how hot and sexy I am. I cried outside a guys house near the start of the relationship as I had arranged to go and sleep with this guy...bf knew I cried and I didn’t go in. My most dreaded reply to getting it wrong is “ffs” .
He gets annoyed like yesterday , if I tell him I can’t do something because of time, he’ll say “it’s unbelievably painful listening to you tell me what you can’t do, what can you do, surely you have an hour, time for a car meet?”
But he’s not physically forced me or physically threatened me if I don’t.

I’ve ordered Judy Bancroft

I spoke to domestic violence advice on Monday night...very calming and told me he’s defiantly controlling and manipulating. But so deep is the damage I honestly worry it’s my fault and it’s not him

He has groomed you to think, believe, it's your fault.

The CODA meetings I've been to - many - the vast majority are there for relationship addiction. It's actually bad form to mention other addictions in a 12 step meeting.

Go to CODA. Go to SLAA. Enrol on the Freedom Programme - go along to a group. You're so up to your neck in an abusive relationship, are being so badly abused, doing the Freedom Programme online just won't cut it. Go to a group asap.

I would recommend psycho-therapy which is what I am doing at the moment. There’s no easy fix unfortunately and although books are good and I’ve read my fair share but until you understand why you are susceptible to this kind of behaviour it’s hard to break the cycle.

My guy constantly tries to pull me back into his life and at the moment it’s so incredibly hard as I’m having his baby. Big promises that this time will be different, future-faking about a life in the US with his kids and our baby etc. It’s like he uses a script with me and others.

I’d definitely speak to someone. I’ve instructed a criminal and family lawyer. I’ve handed the criminal lawyer witness statements and written evidence of his abuse (emails, texts etc) and he thinks there’s more than enough for grounds for domestic abuse. I’ve got similar accounts from other woman which has helped me. I fear that’s the only way to finally get him out of my life else I’m scared I’ll take him when I am at my most vulnerable.

Please take care of yourself OP and speak to a professional to get some advice as everyone’s experiences on here are different.

@wadingthroughshit

a car meet? With the narc?

@Hipsterwannabe I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s bad enough alone but being pregnant will only compound it. You are doing so so well to be trying to keep him at arms length, it’s so difficult, to let go of the family picture. You have the perfect reason to love yourself unconditionally and protect yourself subsequently protecting your child. You will be fine, more than fine. Have you got a good support network?

@Paradiso1 no in the car with a stranger, someone from the swinging site.