Does anyone know any good resources on addiction/trauma bonding/codependency ?

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi, I posted three days ago about my “relationship” so I won’t go into it too much.
I just wondered if people could share their experiences of leaving abusive relationships, being codependent or addicted to the intense highs and lows of the relationship? And if you knew of any good resources ? I have signed up for Kim Saeed, and looked into love addiction meetings (anlthough closed is 60 miles away).
We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...I know this relationship has completely eroded me, yet I cannot help reply/ long for/ache.

You’ll have ups and downs but stay strong
You deserve so much more in life

Hi OP, so pleased to see you're making some progress with breaking away and have started to see him for what he is. Men like this are extremely clever and devious and it's so easy to get sucked in. Take hood care of yourself x

In a very similar situation. It’s horrible

Thank you....had dreams about him last night and woke up with a huge urge to cuddle him anyway, I’m seeing my mum today and the sun is out. Thank god im seeing my mum! I spent the day with my friend and her son yesterday , I cried , but thank god she was there.
I was a bit silly yesterday and started another thread looking for experiences from those who have contacted exes. I won’t do it now, it’s another form of adrenaline, and if I did do it, once it was over, I know I’ll be even more upset.
@Backtoback1 what happened?

This is literally like giving up herion. Think of it like that.
Maybe make a written list of all the awful things he’s done and ow he’s treated you
And everytime you get the urge to be with him or call him or even just want a cuddle - look at the list.
At some point it will make you angry.
Have a lovely day with your mum!
Glad you’ve got lots of RL people to support you

X

Wading well done, you sound so much stronger than you did just a week or so ago. Maybe write a list of all the things he's done to hurt you, put it away somewhere, and look at it if you ever feel your resolve weaken?

Hope you have a lovely day with your Mum x

Oh just seen pp said exactly the same thing! Great minds and all that...

Thank you so much. My plan is to keep busy as much as possible during the day and then by evening I’ll be knackered so I can sleep. I’ve started taking mirtazapine again to sleep. Can I keep posting on here?! It’s really cathartic....really helps hearing other people’s stories too...what’s Japan s how you coped/what you did to help during the aftermath x

Please do keep posting. I've been through something similar and I know that sometimes it just really helps to have people to talk to.

Yes keep posting! Do what ever you need to get you through this time.
But I will say this one thing. If you do contact him, do not be angry with yourself, and don’t stop coming on here because you think we will be disappointed. I won’t be, Everything is a process.

Obviously I hope/pray you never get in contact with him again, because the sooner he’s out of your system the sooner you can have a happy fulfilling life x

I unblocked him today, I didn’t want to contact him, and I don’t think I wanted him to contact me. He had a profile picture of the lion from the wizard of Oz, which we use to say was me (becaus of my huge blonde hair), then changed it, then intermittently blocked me...then text me saying “well?” ... I was out with my mum as I said, so by the time I opened it, about 35/40 minutes after he’d sent it, he’d blocked me again....why would he do that? Did I not open it with the urgency he expected? Did he feel hurt that I hadn’t replied straight away? I don’t even know what I would have replied to that

Oh my word I’ve jusg seen some of the seriously bad typos/ corrections that have been made during typing on here ! Sorry everyone !

OP, you really need to keep him blocked. It’s like a scab. Leave it alone and stop picking! I know, I know, easier said than done but look for anything to stop you doing it. Even if using things like an elastic band and ping it if you feel yourself tempted to poke around. Failing all of that, at the very least, if you must snoop, create a false profile to satisfy your nosiness, so he is unaware and fuels your unhealthy obsession.

Hi Temptress I haven’t been toooooo bad with other things, I haven’t even attempted anything on social media and I don’t want to see anything on there as I know it would hurt, anyway, he’s blocked me! Making a fake profile, I just think I’d be better off not knowing, but yes, unblocking him on WhatsApp was maybe a bit of a downfall. But at the same time, I’m not attempting to message, and when I noticed his intermittent unblocking of me, I didn’t once say anything. It kind of makes me feel slightly more powerful, in that I don’t need to block, I’m not going to message...I don’t know if that makes sense?
However, when he messaged me and I opened it some time later to find he’d blocked me again, that hurt.

He’s doing it to hurt you.
You need to understand it’s about control for him
Try and keep him blocked, I know it’s hard.
If you can do a week of blocked then you might find the next week easier.
You’re getting a high, and then crashing to low, as I said before, like herion.
I’m sure you’ll go back and forth a lot, but make that list of things and refer to it.
Right now you might want him to want you, the message was a little high. To prove to yourself that he’s still thinking about you.
Take back the power, take back your power.

Do you want to be here in a year? Really think about that, because at the moment you’re stuck in a cycle and only you can break it

Blocking IS the most powerful thing you can do
It gives you total control

Ah, there’s no hiding from you @sameoldsame ... you’re right, I think I did feel better with the intermittent blocking, and then having him message me, and then the little crash when I opened it and he’d blocked again ... I wonder how long after sending it he had blocked me. Anyway ... you’re right, it’s power. He professes to love me, but shows no action of the sort what a prick , reeling me in. How dare he call me a cunt when he said he couldn’t commit and didn’t want to be officially together! It’s okay to stop feeling a certain way about someone I completely understand that, however, I do not understand him holding a carrot up to me. I only realised today...he broke up with me a week after I finally had that threesome , throne which I cried so much over afterwards. Had to rant, feeling angry now

I'm in just about the same situation, my dh has left me after 10 years last August, but we are still intimate and I'm starting to see signs that he might be a narcissist. I have been fighting depression and anxiety, he has made me feel like I'm the crazy one and told me I need to be on med's so I am. He's gaslighting me to. I dont know how to escape? I'm still very much in love, having hope that we can fix our marriage and he has said no way that we are, we are poison to eachother the way we have fought. Hurtful things being said that cant ge forgot. I'm so tired and cry all the time.

@hopelessness I’m so so sorry to hear about your situation. I believe, even if you haven’t consciously accepted it yet, you know what you need to do?
do you have children together ?
He will no doubt use that he has told you he doesn’t want to be with you as your problem....in the sense that he can do as he pleases as you’re fully informed, yet continues to pull your strings, saying the right things when he fancies some time with you, then intermittently dropping “but we’re not together” ?
Your mental health is deteriorating, he has you were he wants you, where he can act as saviour as well as being able to do what he pleases.
My ex told me I wasn’t ill, that I didn’t need medication. I was seriously self harming and suicidal.
Your ex tells you you need your meds. However the root cause remains.
You have ten years together, it’s difficult to accept that time is now gone, there becomes a dissonance in your cognitive abilities. Gather your friends and families, surround yourself with unconditional love as much as possible. You are no ones play toy. Your mental health is worth much more than one person.

A friend just told me his “well?” Message is basically him saying “what have you got to say for yourself in deleting me from everything?” And belittling me ?

Blocking games! Don’t play x

Wading I know it's really hard, but try as hard as you can to keep him blocked. He's playing games with you, by unlocking him, you're showing him you're still thinking about him.... he'll love that he has that power over you. Try to stop analysing this and find something else to do to distract yourself. Do you like yoga?

@Backtoblack1 is that all it is? I am overanalysing it I guess , but I’m almost intrigued as to why! I wonder how long between sending the message and blocking ? If I opened forty minutes After it being sent.
@backtoblack1 you haven’t told us how you’re coping ?

I’m ok. Just had a very upsetting breakup with a vile narcissistic twat but it needed to happen. He used to play these blocking games too. It’s all power and coercion. I haven’t seen him for two weeks and a lot has happened but it’s finally over and I feel relieved. Worse thing is I work with him but I’m going to avoid at all times. Hope your Ok OP x

@backtoblack1 I’m sorry that you still have to work with the twat, how are you coping with that? Do you work colleagues support you ? What happened?
I’m feeling so angry today. I had a woman from the rape centre phone me to arrange an appointment. I am dying to work out what has happened, I am DYING to message his and have a conversation with his exes and I am DYING to contact the various woman who hung around during our relationship and find out what really happened