Does anyone know any good resources on addiction/trauma bonding/codependency ?

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi, I posted three days ago about my “relationship” so I won’t go into it too much.
I just wondered if people could share their experiences of leaving abusive relationships, being codependent or addicted to the intense highs and lows of the relationship? And if you knew of any good resources ? I have signed up for Kim Saeed, and looked into love addiction meetings (anlthough closed is 60 miles away).
We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...I know this relationship has completely eroded me, yet I cannot help reply/ long for/ache.

No I’m really struggling now... I want / I need to contact the exes ... I feel as though I’m going mad, I’m so angry , I’m so confused

So what’s your plan for when you feel like this ? Watch a box set? Go for a run ? Phone a Rl friend ?

Watching a film currently , going to pick my son up in ten minutes. Can’t run or gym because other son upstairs. I’ve eaten loads. I’ve messaged one of my friends. She was right, even if I do it in a hugely careful manner, he will use it against me. I’m just agitated. I’m hoping as all goes back to normal tomorrow with schools, i will calm down. It’s like withdrawal is starting properly now, as though I need an outlet

You are doing well.

If you enjoy exercise then you can always do a class on YouTube in your living room.

Try and avoid alcohol when you feel like this because it weakens the resolve. I know some people enjoying drowning their sorrows but it doesn’t work for me.

Don’t feel like I’m doing well at all. I feel like a loser. I’m so so sad, I want to phone to hear his voice and for him to tell me everything will be okay. I do like exercise, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to sit and be alone, my poor children MORVEN ... I hope Ill feel better when they are in bed.
I don’t think I should say this...but self harm thoughts are creeping in again

It’s ok to say you feel like self harming. It’s just doing it that’s the problem isn’t it, because it’s not a very healthy coping strategy. You just need to keep practising your healthy coping techniques.

Sitting being alone is just fine too if you find it helpful. But not if it intensifies your difficult feelings. Some people find mindfulness or meditation useful, if you think that would work for you.

Wading would it help to talk to us about something else? Tell us more about what it is your studying, did you say you're doing a PHD?

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE
and repeat
It’s like an addiction
Me and my herion analogy again!

But one thing that took me a really long time to learn, is that you will never get the answers or explanations you want, because they don’t exist.
All that thinking going round and round -and round- in your head, they are thoughts only.

STAY STRONG

Did you make that MOTHERFUCKING list????????????

And I agree with @VioletCharlotte

Start talking with us about something unrelated.
Roughly (so it’s not outing) are you studying? I’d be interested

Hi everyone ... I read your messages about 2am and welled up. I fell asleep while reciting the usual poetry to my children! I had about ten hours sleep through exhaustion last night.
Not feeling great today either. I saw my best friend and we went for a walk and I’m now trying to revise, but I’ve cried a lot. I spoke to him this morning. Nothing much was said, I think we were only on the phone for about three minutes. He told me about a dream he had about me getting with someone, but that it was none of his business anymore.
Me...I’m not doing a PhD, I’m doing an MSc ... I graduated my undergrad last summer. I had my second son In my 2nd year at uni. I’m currently in a coffee shop with two loud people next to me discussing business logos and I haven’t managed to brush my hair and my eyes sting !!

Feeling quite defensive of him today too...I just keep thinking of all the amazing adventures we had and the profound happiness he made me feel. This is normal isn’t it? I felt as though yesterday was the first time it hit me? I’m being so pathetic !

Hi Wading sorry you're having a bad day. You're doing so well though, so don't be hard on yourself. Have you written that list yet of all the bad things about him? I think this might help, as when you're feeling like this and remembering the good times, looking at it will give you a reality check.

It's very telling that you spoke to him for a couple of minutes and straight away he was talking about how he was thinking of you sexually.

Hi wading
Me again!
Try and think about this logically, you spoke to him, now you feel like shit
There is a correlation there, you might feel defensive of him, but people who are in happy healthy relationships NEVER have to feel defensive about their partners behaviour

Think very hard about that

It’s the highs and lows again, he wasn’t even that nice to you when you spoke to him, he was more concerned about a dream that you had been with someone else? So not actual real concern for your unhappiness, just that he was no longer in control,

Hello again both of you, thank you for bearing with. I buggered up again, he messaged saying he was horny and who can he tell...I said me ( because of course the thought of him going to anyone else stings) ... then it started this whole thing because I had no confessions for him and he spoke to me like shit.
One of my friends rightfully came down on me....so I need to block again, I need to say, fuck you for speaking to me like that and just block. It’s been a hiccup yesterday and today,, but I’ll come back from it.
How are you ? Tell me about you!

Oh love. I’m glad your friend came down hard on you in a way.
There are people that care about you.
No one wants to see you going through this.

He’s not showing you love or care, it’s cruel
But it’s not your fault, please remember that

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I can't believe how many men like this there are out there. I had a similar experience about 10 years ago. I wasn't on MN at the time and there wasn't as much information available online. It's only been in recent years, since I've been on here, that I've realised just how many women have been, or are, being abused by men.

Morning...he told me he was going out with work colleagues last night and phoned at at 12.30am, but I didn’t answer.
On the phone yesterday, he told me specific rules around sexual stuff...I’m not allowed to tell him anything unless it’s about to or has already happened etc. He told me I drive him insane, that I just don’t get it. I felt as though I should be writing it down so I don’t get it wrong again. Of course I had no confessions, being near another man is the last thing on my mind.
I don’t know if you’ve seen the Kermit frog memes ... but one side of me says “give it time, you need to heal, exercise, focus on the good” and the hooded Kermit says “go and tinder and distract yourself” !!
You’re right very telling that as soon as he gets back in contact he starts talking about sex, and wants a video from me. My brain ! I suppose it’s not convenient for these types to know or ask about your wellbeing? How are you?

You’re right very telling that as soon as he gets back in contact he starts talking about sex, and wants a video from me. My brain ! I suppose it’s not convenient for these types to know or ask about your wellbeing? How are you?

It’s not to do with convenience. He doesn’t even see you as a person with feelings.

Do you ask the fridge how it is ? No you just open the door, take what you need, close it and get on with your day. You only notice if it doesn’t work and do it’s job properly. Then you will give it a bit of attention, adjust the settings inside and try to make it work again.

He loves you like you love your fridge . It does a useful function in your life. It’s convenient - you don’t have to shop for fresh food every day. If it stops working you will get another one off gumtree in a few hours, but it will cost you some time and money.

MORVEN you are spot on. He's using you to fulfill his sexual needs. He doesn't care about you at all, you're just meeting his needs. He's clever enough to know how to manipulate you, put you on a pedestal and make you think you're special.

I think it's only when you've been through something like this, come out the other side and have had time to reflect that you realise this. When you're in the situation, it's really difficult to see what a going on.

Hi everyone, how are you coping ?
I’ve let myself down, I’m stupid and self destructive. I engaged in sexting with him, well sort of.
His texts have all been about me getting with other men.
In the past he’s wanted to know everything and have screenshots and not discuss with anyone unless he knows.
This time, I’m not to tell him anything because it’s always “fucking manjana, future bullshit” ... “YOU ARE DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE” ... “I. Don’t. Want. To. Know” ... “only tell me when you’ve fucking done something” .... “you just don’t fucking get it do you”.
He messaged a guy we’d met (not in person) on a swinging site about a month ago and told him I was to come to his and he was to take photos of me in various outfits which I then had to put as my profile on the site.
I said “okay, but I’d rather I’d come and see you, I’ll phone you in 20”... he replies “no don’t phone” .
I’ve apologised to him .
So I want to orchestrate another message, last weeks was kind and lovely, this time I’m going to tell him how vile he is.
I’m not telling my friends about the messages this morning, they will not speak to me again. And I am absolutely aware of how ridiculous I’m being, thag I brought this upon myself. I felt very confused this morning, because the goal posts seem to change a lot. I read another post and more of this to remind myself, he does not love me. This is not how you treat someone you profess to love.
I’m going to woman’s aid again, I don’t really know why, so someone tells me I’m
Not going mad. I’m also seeing the doctor, and I start freedom programme on Tuesday.
Sorry for being a twat, I feel as though I’ve let you done too as you took the time. But that’s it today, all I need to do is look at how he’s spoken to me yesterday and this morning. The good person that I kept thinking of, who took me on these amazing adventures wasn’t real.

Yes you are right. All that niceness was an act, to rope you in. Just like people get hooked on drugs, porn or other addictions. You only see the nice / cool / fun / escapist bits at the beginning. You think you are in control but in fact it ends up controlling you.

It’s good that you are gaining some insight into how he manipulates you. I’m sure that the Freedom programme will be a big eye opener to you and it’s great that you are starting this next week.

Are you sure it’s a good idea to orchestrate another message from him? do you think that’s going to help your recovery ? I’m sure he will quite enjoy hearing how vile you think he is.

I’m not surprised you are feeling confused again after speaking to him.

And Of course the goal posts keep changing , that’s the point of it. To keep you guessing, thinking about what he said, what he means, how you can please him.

That way your thoughts are preoccupied with HIM and not with yourself or your kids.

It’s How To Be an Abuser 101.

Sent him a long fuck you message...then blocked again then he sent an email saying I know he isn’t anything of those things , the truth is he loves me and give me what I want. That he thought the sex talk the last few days was a game between us and him being assertive (speaking to me like shit) was part of that... that there are two states of being, your natural state and the state you’re in when you’re stressed. That it’s killing him not being with me. That he’s off to the hospital this morning. That he wanted to see me. That I know the real him.
I started driving there then turned around.
I feel so angry and confused and sad.

I know that you are angry and sad.

I know that you want to wave a magic wand and make him into a kind person who will treat you well.

You did the right thing to turn around . Please think of yourself and your children. What he wants isn’t your problem. You need to block him and stop contacting him in any way.

His hospital appointment was straightforward. I haven’t sent anymore messages. Just blocked again. I got into such a mess after my message this morning, spoke to doctor and health visitor , HV said she is going to contact social work, in case I’m getting poorly again, which, I think may be happening. I don’t to act like a princess, no one is immune to hurt.
I have plans to be with friends and family over the next few days.
I felt awful after sending the message and speaking to him, him saying he knows I don’t really believe that and I know that isn’t him. Anyway...that’s the update. I cannot risk my children. Or failing my exams which start in a week. Or losing my friends through frustration. And I will risk all if I continue. I’m drained, I’ve been a total princess and a dick. What a shit storm. Something thag started off so full of potential. How can it ever EVER become so bad.

It did not start off with potential
FACT
this is who is he. There is no hidden him, in fact he’s shown you the hidden him, and it’s sexually and emotionally ABUSIVE

I’m not going to lose my patience with you, because that’s not helpful, but I think sometimes when you think you’re letting everyone down, you can tend to be destructive and think “fuck it” “im not worth it” “I get something from him” even if it’s just hope that he’s a different person from the one you unearthed

Also, I understand that if people say he’s a cunt and he’s using you, that makes you feel even more shit, because you don’t want to believe it.

BUT. I will say again, this is not your fault, you’re not to blame that he treats you like this, you’re not to blame, not because you’re not worth anything, because you are.

And someone one day will LOVE you properly and every moment you spend with this man you aren’t even noticing the person that might be able to love you and respect you, they could have walked past you in the street, and you wouldn’t even know it, because you’re stuck with this man.

Do you want to walk past and ignore the man who will love and respect you for this person you’re with now????????????