Does anyone know any good resources on addiction/trauma bonding/codependency ?

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi, I posted three days ago about my “relationship” so I won’t go into it too much.
I just wondered if people could share their experiences of leaving abusive relationships, being codependent or addicted to the intense highs and lows of the relationship? And if you knew of any good resources ? I have signed up for Kim Saeed, and looked into love addiction meetings (anlthough closed is 60 miles away).
We are no longer technically in the relationship anymore, however still text and he wants to keep me for sex...I know this relationship has completely eroded me, yet I cannot help reply/ long for/ache.

Thank you MORVEN I will sit and do that tonight, even if I just set aside thirty minutes to do it. Counselling is helping me, she’s very vocal about what she thinks of him, and affirms that he is abusive

Melody Beatties book "Co-dependent no more" is worth a read.
Stick with the counselling, it's good your counsellor recognises he is abusive. It will take time to sort out your feelings so be patient.

I don't think legal advice would help you TBH.

I actually got in contact shortly before we split. She had to have therapy to get over the things that happened.

The reason I contacted her was because I fell pregnant with his child.

He left shortly after, NC wasn't even a joint decision. He left me for someone else.

ChiaraRimini I think you’re right about legal, I’m just angry. I will have a look and see what books I can order online tonight.

MoreMoneyMoreProblems what a shit head, I’m sorry you went through that, must have been awful. What was he like ?

@WadingThroughShit

I spoke with his ex while I was still in the relationship. It actually helped give me the strength to make a clean break from him for good. Before speaking to the ex, a part of me thought that maybe the abuse was my fault or maybe I was imagining it. The ex was so very clear about what an abusive asshole he is that it helped me realise this is what he is and he has a track record of it and he will do it to the next partner as well. The ex also referred to him as "a disease."

@MoreMoneyMoreProblems

Is your ex a narcissist or psychopath (or both)? Sorry to hear he has left you pregnant xx

@Paradiso1 how did you go about contacting his ex? I know this thread it going somewhere else now...but I really want answers because the confusion is so invasive. I too blame myself for things “if only I’d been clearer with boundaries, if only is done that right” type stuff.
His ex wife he calls stupid and horrible stuff, and she cheated, but part of me thinks he would have loved the upper hand that would have allowed him.
His next gf was “mad and strongly opinionated” and kept leaving him while they were together for three years.
His last gf left after seven years, took their son 400 miles away and nearly five years on they are still at court and she doesn’t want him being part of their sons life.

@Wadingthroughshit

How you approach your ex's ex will depend on what contact info you have for her, if any. I.e. whether you know her name, are friends with her on social media (probably not I guess) etc etc.

I know their names, they’ve been spoken about a lot...the last two seemed to have overlapped and apparently “hated” each other but became friends after his ex left

He rang today and text telling me he loves me ... up and down up and down

You’ve really got to try and block him, this is a total headfuck for you
ACTIONS speak louder than words
Pleeeeease remember that
Talk is cheap

I know @sameoldsame what is wrong with me. He told me he wants me to come round on Friday, I’ll be rewarded if I have something dirty to confess.
When he gets horny he’s extremely inpatient (he’s aware of this) and runs with things...I just got told he finds it physically painful hearing what I can’t do instead of what I can ... I told him no filth this week because it’s Easter holidays

Why would you be having such a conversation with him OP? Does it make you think that he cares about you in some way? Because he doesn’t, he’s just using you.

Get some self respect and block him now!

You’ve got to believe in yourself
You are worth more than this
I don’t even know you and I think you’re worth more than this

I also understand how hard it is to admit to yourself that someone is not kind to you, because you think it’s your fault and your failure
It isn’t love, it really isn’t x

Why are you still talking to him? Your mind isn't a rubbish bin. You can choose what you allow other people to put into it. You can stop hurting yourself in this way.

So many people here have tried to help you, what a massive slap in their and your own face, to blatantly continue playing games with him via text.

@MORVEN it does make me think that he cares, there’s such a dissonance in my mind, between what he says and does, but then also what he says one minute (I love you I don’t want to talk about filth) then within the next couple of hours (I am so horny, be a good girl for me and complete a task).
@sameoldsame a very bitter pill to swallow...my counsellor mentioned abandonment issues, my dad didn’t want to know me...and because of the generational gap, it’s like losing another father figure, I’m not sure, sounds a bit insidious, also gives me another excuse.
@PrizeOik you are right, I’ve had very good advice. I will try harder. I am trying. I’m not phoning or initiating. He phoned again last night and woke me up (I’d taken sleeping pills) and then complained/laughed/pointed out that there’s always something else going on, I’m always busy, he never has it easy, there’s always a time limit. I don’t know if he’s really bothered or just goading me because he can. He laughed about it last night and said “listen you do you and I’ll just do me”.
I’m going to try harder today. He pulls me around and messes with my head and my heart. I’ve got to accept that this will hurt but that no one is immune to hurt and we all go through it

Accepting that he is not a nice man is where you need to start
You couldn’t do that as a child with your father
But you can now as an adult with this man
That’s the primary difference

I would genuinely try blocking him, even if it’s only for a day and then you change your mind. Most people go back and forth on NC.

it might make you feel like you have a tiny bit of power, even if it’s only for a few hours

He's just using you. Men like this get off on the control and he'll be loving the fact he can pick you up and put you down when it's suits him. It's all about power and control. He doesn't love you, he probably doesn't give a shit about you, he's sees you as just another woman who can meet his needs.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I understand it's hard, I really do. But, for your own sanity, you need to find the strength to break away from him.

@Wadingthroughshit

It's not clear what sort of relationship you have or had with this man, how long you have been together, etc? I am trying to get to grips with why you can't simply dump him? What does he bring to the table? Does he make you happy in some way?

You're addicted to him. And, as with any addiction, you have to bottom out. You're not there yet. You want to talk about it /him. A bit like an alcoholic wanting to talk about booze and drinking.

Come back when you're ready. There's nothing anyone can do for you here.

@Paradiso1 we were together 16 months...a proper boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, went on a few holidays, sent me flowers and gifts, introduced each other to our families. Very loving, caring, decisive, charming. Intermittent controlling. Sex the biggest cause of my pain. Wanting me to sleep with other men, talking about it everyday. I went along with it, then intermittently stopped and told him how upset it makes me, but always fell back into it. Other woman involved, it killed me but he said “I know you’re a deviant, and I know you’d love to see me with someone else” and I kind of went along with it, although made it clear i didn’t like it on several occasions. He stopped coming round as much and I did all the driving. But still good times mountain biking etc.
Anyway I guess there’s always been a bit of manipulation and control.

Put an ad of me on Craigslist when I asked him not to

Came to my house and gave my address out to a man online with the intention of a threesome while my son was asleep upstairs...Id already told him not to do this so when he did I made it clear that was not Happening. Him and this man then went on to have some form of argument. Same night he put me on cam without asking but when I realised I went along with it. I then had to hold back the tears while we had sex.

I had a guy around my house (home alone) to sleep with, I didn’t but we talked for a while and did other stuff. Ex didn’t talk to me for two days because I didn’t do it right, it was too emotional. The guy was fully aware of what was going on.

He’s rude to me. Told me I can’t have a normal conversation, that I take longer than anyone he’s ever met to get a point, that nothing about me tells him I want a job (doing a post grad full time), that I’m a drain on society. He said he was joking and winding me up when he told me I’d Ben alone all my life unless I get with a “bitch”.

I never normally do anything like this, I never go out, but put up on insta story of myself in the bath with wine (home alone) , nothing was on show. He called me a twat, cunt, attention seeker etc.

Told me if I did my post grad in social work he couldn’t be in a relationship with me.

But conversely shows affection , love, is caring, always there for advice.

@springydaff how do you know when you’re ready ?

When you leave.

You are being very seriously abused here

Please listen to springydaffs. This is very serious sexual abuse.

And you have a child, you don’t have the luxury of time to think about when it will feel like a good time to leave. What if the next man or men he send to you abuse your child?

You need to leave right now and block this man from all contact by all means.