NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

@Tictactic I think it’s the hope it will be the Prince Charming we waited all our lives for and then we imagine and create these images in our head. It isn’t even them! It’s who we want them to be. The more gaps they leave you the more room you have to invent. How are you feeling after the counselling? I guess the first session probably just getting started really.

I am 25 years old and am only just now realising my worth. I spent so much of my teenage years putting up with more bs than I can even believe, but I forgive my younger self. 1 year 6 month ago I split up with my now ex boyfriend we had only dated for 2 month but it was passionate and intense he said he just didn't have a connection with me I was an absolute mess I begged, I picked at him viciously and I hated myself I thought I wasn't good enough and I would never be good enough for anyone. It was a short relationship but it left me heartbroken it wasn't until I cut of contact and really looked at myself that I was able to heal, I realised the relationship was good but it wasn't as perfect as I'd made myself believe, I realised I had been an emotionally immature kid who had abandonment issues and he had been an emotionally unavailable man who could never stop slagging his past girlfriends of for how much they had put him through. We had absolutely nothing in common and whilst I was a clingy sobbin mess, he was a narcasist. The conversation was good and of course we both had the best of intentions at the start but when our real selves came to the surface it was messy. I had depended on him solely for my happiness, I truly believe you have one heartbreak in your life that leaves you so desperate, so unhinged, it rips your ego to its core that you literally have to transform your life and you do. We had spoke about going to see the world together so all the places we had spoke about I took my son, we went seeing all the lakes in Canada, we visited Tokyo and New Orleans and whilst it was the most scariest thing I had ever done being on my own miles away from anything or anyone I knew with my 5 year old son it was the most independent thing I had ever accomplished and it made me realise I never needed a SO to do the things I'd dreamt of the only person I wanted to experience this with was myself and my son. I went back to school and finished my education it gave me so much pride and I found so much self worth in that alone. I took up hobbys and I took a full year without dating to really work out my boundaries and to heal my self when I went back to dating I could notice what I wanted and didn't want straight away nothing was hard to walk away from. I seen my whole life blossoming I still have bad days but I always fully understand who I am and what I deserve. My ex contacted me and we met up for coffee we was both different but I had changed a lot more, I sat across from him and weighed the pros and cons of dating him and politely said I couldn't right now because I didn't think he could give me what I was looking for and he had some growing still to do and I excused myself. It wasn't out of spite and it was the truth, maybe if we meet again the timing and our growth will be on the same level but if not I'm still happy and I know I will find what I'm looking for because I will never settle for anything less again. Seriously lady's I know it's hard but choose yourself first ALWAYS it's the best relationship you will ever have.

Kitty well said. I think our younger days are so intense and passionate when it comes to relationships. The ones in my 20s were the hardest to get over.

I've messaged OLD guy back so will see what happens.

Hope everyone is feeling brighter this morning. I've got all my children this weekend so it's operation clear the playroom tomorrow or Sunday

Keep us posted literary OLD is a good distraction. And good for boosting your self esteem hopefully.

My dc are with their dad this weekend. I have no plans apart from deep cleaning the house. Might clear the garage out too just to keep busy.

Morning guys
Feeling 50/50 today?
I feel like OLD would be a fun distraction, but I'm steering clear. I think it's time to focus on just me, and getting prepped for this little one.
I really want to message him. I've been feeling it since last week, and I haven't done it. I won't. Just trying to shove it else where :(

@LiteraryDevil - you're right about how it's become the centre of our focus. Im finding a little easier each day to not let him be my main focus, but then I have days off like today. And I start to think a lot, also I noticed I'm struggling with Saturdays atm. (He last text me five Saturdays ago)
I just want to message him, just to see what the outcome will be. But then I don't because I don't think he'll reply. I'm not sure what to do. I keep not doing it though.
Good luck with OLD - I want to hear all

@Tictactic exactly, just when you want to be ok. It's something about them and how they made you feel that ruins it. I hate that I still met him have that power

@meowimacat - top quote! I saw that in insta and wanted to post it but forgot lol
He wouldn't message me, I don't believe he will. I've given him an out really, and he's not had to say anything. I don't believe he will either and I keep trying to push the fact that'll he'll only be 45 mins away soon. He won't even see me then.

@pineappleeyes Is the weather good your way? Try a nice walk somewhere? I'm debating on going to forest nearby today to just walk a while

Guys :(
I did it.
I broke the NC.

It sent on WhatsApp straight away. I sent it at 927z he was last online at 9.

It was me asking what the intention is when his son is here.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I'm sorry guys!! I just couldn't get rid of the feeling. I guess the two blue ticks and no replied message will teach me when it comes down to it

More fool me. Two blue ticks and nothing.

Oh hugs hun I can’t even imagine your situation so don’t beat yourself up for that. If you don’t get a response then that is your response - that he’s a total scumbag x

My text

Hi, it’s been 5weeks, since you’ve talked to me. I sent you the last message because I honestly think that both of us probably needed head space.
I added in some shit about us two, not being able to maintain a relationship and clearly we weren't happy and that I did really try.
Which I regret because it wasn't acknowledged and it wasn't really important

My main concern is our child. What’s your intention when your son is here? I’ve offered you the involvement, and you’ve not said anything. It would be nice to know.
Are you going to be a dad to him?
Or will he never know you?*

I've just had the reply of *
He is obviously my son so yes he will get to see me don’t think you would stop that from happening

Five fuck weeks. And that's all I get.
God I'm so angry with myself

Baby you got a better response than mine which was "I don't know" to every question about our unborn baby. Don't put his name on the birth certificate and make sure you apply for maintenance.mine said maintenance would kill him financially and threatened to kill himself but he does pay and is surviving just fine. He's not on the birth certificate as he wouldn't come here to be with me when I registered the birth. I'd just leave it a it is for now and once you've recovered from the birth then let him know your son's date of birth, name, weight etc, send a photo and see what he does. That's all you can do. For now just focus on the two of you.

@LiteraryDevil
Thanks, I know the response is reasonable it's just words out his mouth are normally lies.
He's fucking asked for a photo of me?

Oh I'll deffo be doing maintenance he earns enough, to not let it affect him.
I wanted him on certificate but he'll not show for that I'm sure. So he'll have my surname.

I feel like you're the voice of reason.
You always seem to have a hold on what's getting you, and always give such good responses to us all!!

@meowimacat he's an idiot, it's like he thinks he's still not doing anything wrong in this situation.

I appreciate he support guys.
Tomorrow is a new day. *
still gutted I broke.*

Absolutely agree with not putting him on the birth certificate. Please please don't. Please also make sure he has your surname. Even with my ex now I wish I'd kept the boys with my name and without him on the birth certificate. I do everything anyway.
DON'T be gutted you broke NC. You have done amazingly well, and what you asked needed to be answered. Apparently he will be in the babies life, you now need to take that and see if he holds true to his word. I don't think your baby will be seeing much of him sadly, but at least you know he says he will. Big hugs. I would have broken NC a hundred times more than you have so you are doing brilliantly. This doesn't set you back at all, to be honest with his lack of contact you needed to ask that and know and now you know. The ball is in his court to be in his life now, if he doesn't make any effort, it's his loss.

I'm having a crappy day. I know noone in this area and my kids are going to their dads for two nights, and that is when I would usually see NC. I keep having flashbacks to things about him that make me realise how much of a player he was- like when I'd stay over he didn't have blinds on his windows but he had two eye masks - and now I think back and think how many women wore that other mask that he gave me...gross! I also just feel shit that he wouldn't give me the label of girlfriend. Like I wasn't good enough for that. But to be fair in reality I wouldn't want to be his girlfriend, i'm pretty sure he wasn't faithful to them either.

I miss my fantasy version of him. Was reading over an archived chat we had on WA. I have deleted most of them only had a few days, and even in that it showed him cancelling on me twice and then leaving mine in the middle of the night and saying he'll 'make it up to me' and 'sorry.' I put up with so much shit, need to remember that. Yet I miss him and want him (the him I thought he was anyway) over at mine this weekend. LOL. I'm mad.

Baby you needed to ask that though so don't beat yourself up. Your position is different to us as you're pregnant. Which makes it harder.

OLD guy has said he'll do me a copy of an album of an artist we both like and bring it to our first date if we get to a first date.

Wow just realised it's a month tomorrow since I last saw him. Wow. I had no idea it was that long. That is a long time. :(

Just makes me realise how much he doesn't care.

Today is Day 17 full NC after my final 'i'm moving on with my life' message.

Day 26 since blocking

Why do I feel sad today. Argh.

LiteraryDevil that is so cute that OLD said he'd do that. Reminds me of being a teenager when you'd copy cd's for friends haha. I was speaking to someone in OLD yesterday, he said he'd message today but nothing as of yet, so I'll wait to see. We spent all yesterday messaging but I just don't trust anyone now.

Just been on his exes Facebook. I just don't see how he could be with her for years, I can see all the photos together, the holidays...his family talking about babies and marriage on their pics. Yet he couldn't commit to me. Argh. Why am I doing this to myself. Time to go to work

Meow stop looking!!!!

It is quite sweet, yes. We have lots in common so it's nice to chat to him. Just chatting on the dating app at the moment but might swap numbers soon as our subscriptions are both due to end soon. I feel a bit about dating again and want to make sure I ask the right questions to weed out any potential red flags. Awful to be thinking that way but it doesn't pay to be naive. It's hard to feel excited and enjoy the self esteem boost but not let it blind you to red flags. I'm going to be over analysing everything I think

baby weather isn't too bad here. I might go for a lomg walk tomo

I'm on my own all weekend. If I'd agreed to fwb I'd be seeing NC. Makes me sad and disgusted at the same time.
Don't beat yourself up about breaking NC. You has to ask. I think you've done amazingly well to get this far.

I'm feeling deep sadness inside but upbeat on the outside.

meow great quote. I keep screenshotting them and reading them back when I have a lull.

Much love ladies x

Really struggling now. My anxiety is through the roof today and so nearly broke nc this afternoon

I would hold on. Can you blast it out with some music or a long walk listening to headphones, call a friend or family you are close to?

I was looking through my photos today to see if I had any good ones for updating my OLD profile and saw ones of me and NC and it honestly didn't bother me at all. Quite odd.

Evening all

How we all doing?

Update - we've been chatting (well more me trying to get answers) all day.
Apparently he thinks we are still together as he never ended it, oh and that he loves me.
He asked for a full photo of me, I sent one (stupid) but I managed to get an answer to a question by doing so.
Full length photo, I made sure you could see bump - I honestly don't think he believes I'm pregnant.
He's proceeded to say things like
*Just because you don't see someone doesn't mean they don't love
People have gone longer without seeing each other and are still together
I do care about you
I do love you
I will see you
I'm not and haven't treated you like shit
*
Every time I ask him how he thinks this, and why haven't I had a phone call and so on he doesn't answer.
So nothings fucking changed.
I'm so mad, I haven't cried yet. Mainly because I haven't told anyone I've messaged apart from you guys.
I feel sick and drained.
I'm having to really control myself and not send message after message

Baby that's one emotional fuckwit with no balls that you are well rid of!

@babyblue you had to break no contact at some point regarding your baby so do not beat yourself up over it. I don’t need anything more from my NC and you do. Clearly he is disillusioned if he thinks not talking/seeing your girlfriend for several weeks is normal!! He sounds an absolute idiot!!!! It won’t be easy but at least he is communicating and saying he wants to see his child which is all you can ask for. Your job when you are able to is to negotiate terms with him.

I am at a loss. Yet again another mistake at work and my friends have bailed on me. I imagine they are out with my NC now! I have lost all will to eat and sleep is out of the question. Spending the night preparing for my exams now. I hear everyone looking forward to weekend plans and me - I have revision and that’s all. I honestly think a move to a new city may be the answer. Start afresh with new friends and job away from the drama my life is bringing me. I am not sure that I have the nerve for this but I dream of a better life for myself. I literally dreamt I had to pack all my house up last night that is how on my mind this is. Sick of meals for one and let downs. Waiting for an improvement.

@LiteraryDevil
Tell me about it, complete head fuck.
I feel like I've just hit a wall, and I can't seem to find a a way round it or over it if that makes any sense?

@Dimael yeah, I've been wanting to just know where I stand and how it's going to be for ages now, and I thought time time of not talking would be good for both of us.
I'm sorry you're feeling so shit bub, and sorry again for mistake at work. Maybe you need a week or so off, get refreshed. As for friends, contact one that you feel close to, and explain the situation. What they choose to do with that information will let you know how to talk and who to turn to?

I'm done. I really am today. I've spent the last 30 mins just crying into a pillow. I feel like crap.
Apparently I went silent, apparently I made a choice to not speak to him.
Also he's saying 'oh I didn't realise we broke up'
YOU HAVENT SEEN ME IN 25 WEEKS OR SPOKEN TO ME IN 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God such a head Fuck.
I feel stressed and guilty now because of little one - so it's a circle tonight.
I'm so mad.
This is where I'd call my friends, grab a bottle of wine and just vent. No can do.
But I haven't told them, and I won't. I can't deal with having them being mad at me right now