NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Reading everyone's messages shows that what I'm feeling is not unfamiliar. However I note we all feel so alone, hopeless and isolated. I am really struggling tonight but mainly because I know he is just getting on with life like nothing has happened. I hope we can all get each other through this very dark time. Good luck & hope you have as peaceful a night as possible. I know I find the nights the hardest. X

lechat how dare he? He wanted a reaction from you, the total twat!! Is he a narcissist?

Well i caved last night and unblocked him and got a three lined text message sort of apologising but basically just ending it with me. Three years and all I'm worth is a crappy text message.... he's then turned it on me saying I've hurt him as I've told his family the truth (they asked!!) and things should have been private between us. I've hardly slept all night and feel dreadful today.... I just want the day over & it's not even started. How can he twist everything & treat me so bad & not care at all?!? I've blocked him again and have to be strong as he just brings me down. Xx

morning everyone,
This week has been a tough one hasn't it :(

I'm exhausted already this morning, had some horrid dreams. Also can't stop thinking about him. Which is really bothering me.

I haven't unblocked him on anything, but I noticed his insta pictures haven't increased, but he's been all on Facebook.

@Lucky34 :( I'm really sorry babe, what a wanker. What a horrible person, but this makes you also see how much of a waste he is.
A minimal message that blames only you? 😐 don't unblock him again. Try and and remain focused, you want to message him. Post it here or send that message to a friend (I do that from time to tim) xx then you've got out what you wanted to say, bu but it's not wasted on him x

Lucky had you told him yourself it was over or did you just go NC without saying anything? How old is your dc? Were you married? If married then contact can be arranged via your solicitor. If not then I'd stick to email only for the purpose of contact. My stbexh is blocked on my phone so if he needs to contact me urgently regarding the children he has to withhold his number and leave a message then I phone him back if it's actually something we need to talk about. Otherwise I ignore him. You could just leave contact for now and let him go via mediation for contact. That's if he wants contact. If he doesn't then leave email open to him for communication but block all else and keep it blocked. Hope you feel better once up and about

Hi all. Day 16 for me - every day in double figures I can’t believe I am reaching.

I’m in a much better place with my feelings now. I still have an urge to show him what he’s missing to some extent, not that I can as he’s blocked on all SM except fb where we aren’t friends - but I changed my profile pic a few days ago which feels so sad as it’s not like he contacted me lol!

I guess it’s slightly easier now going NC knowing tomorrow I could message him being all apologetic and eventually he’d let me back in and I could continue what we have.

But I know it’s not good enough for me.

Although saying that it was also the hardest thing to walk away from an open door.

I have started to see reality instead of the early fantasy of the ‘relationship’ where he said and did anything to get me where he wanted me.

Lucky34 keep him blocked now. If he really wants to contact you, he will find a way x

@meowimcat
Well done!! Its good when you realise that messaging him will just set you back, and that you wouldn't want that.

You've just made me count how many days NC ive managed. I thought I was at 16-17 turns out I'm actually at 24 days.

I feel ok, but I also feel a bit upset by it. If its 24 days for me, Its 28 for him. I don't know how to feel.

I keep telling myself that I can't keep doing what I've done. Chasing him didn't work, trying didn't work.
But I feel really stupid, I keep thinking he will message me... and he wont. I keep trying to squash that little ray of hope.
Hes not blocked on whatsapp, just delete, but hes blocked from normal text and calls. So he just doesn't want to speak does he.
sorry to repeat I know you all know this.

Everyone is doing so well.

I still feel sadness & think about NC every minute everyday but he didn't want me so i just keep remembering that.

A colleague at work knows what I'm going through & said NC must be crazy to not want me. The colleague has always had a soft spot for me. It was nice to hear if a little bitter sweet.

I keep reminding myself that I couldn't lower myself to be his fwb. And if I did & he got himself a girlfriend & went NC with me i'd be absolutely devastated.

So my self respect is in tact & I feel strong knowing I've walked away from a situation that wasn't for me.

Keep going folks. It gets easier.

18 days here, I've just counted. Keep going everyone!

I've been chatting to a guy on OLD but not sure how I feel about dating....

pineappleeyes Yes I feel exactly how you mentioned. I feel so sad at times, but I am feeling stronger for walking away. I feel like I have kept my standards now instead of falling into his trap of some friends with benefits whose going to wait around for scraps. I just hurt that he didn't care enough to chase me, or even apologise for hurting me. But that shows his true colours. I forget that. I fell for a person I made up, that he tried to pretend to be for a bit, but who doesn't exist.

Babyblue32 Wow 24 days is amazing. Maybe he will message you in a bit, what's to say he won't? These guys have pride too and are probably trying to hold onto their egos by being like 'well if she doesn't want me then fine' but who knows what the future holds. All you can do now is take his silence as the message that he's a loser and you can find someone way better.

LiteraryDevil I'm back on OLD too but not sure how I feel either. I'm going to struggle to trust anyone too, but in a way it's a distraction and keeps me busy messaging people.

evening all. lots of double figures there for NC. so I've just counted too..7 weeks this Saturday since I last saw him and 5 weeks 1 day since last message..
moving forward and life's other stresses getting to me. I'm emotionally exhausted today.
lots of people dabbling in OLD. I'm not interested or in the right place so keeping way. All seems so futile. Finding distraction in other things. hope everyone hanging in there!

meow I was definately chasing the fantasy. NC has proven himself to be pretty screwed up. It hurts though because he used to say he'd treat me like a princess & make me so happy. I feel sadness & anger that I was lead up the garden path when all he really wanted was a shag now & again on his terms. I too feel sad that i wasnt chased or he didn't say let's make proper go of it. But then I stop & remember that he obviously wasn't that in to me.

I've No idea how many weeks NC I am. I caved and text about 2 weeks ago & he didn't reply. I think we last had contact before that in the middle or end of March. This is second time NC for me with him so I'm pissed off about that but what's done is done.

It's draining but I'm ok-ish. Keeping busy and when he pops into my head I think of something else which is difficult in itself and mentally draining .

I've thought aboit OLD just to boost my self esteem but I can't face all the twats!

remained NC but he has emailed again, stating he feels sad and cant get any of his work done. Despite his nasty comments and the texts to OW I am feeling sorry for him, talk me down please.

Jen your first priority is to maintain your own wellbeing and equilibrium.

You wanting to reply is human and says a lot about you but don't do anything that is going to potentially rock your boat in a negative way.

@meowimacat - I feel like yes 24 days is good, but it's really getting me. I haven't seen this man in 25 weeks. Because he didn't want to see me due to the way I was being.(desperate to be acknowledged- wonders why) And I'm struggling more with the NC. How fucked up.

@pineappleeyes - can agree with the being led up the garden path. Makes you sit back and think about you could of fallen for it? Or why you fell for it with this one, when normally you'd notice and think something was up.

I've well and truly been mugged over.
I'm on edge tonight.
Off work now for 3 days.
I really want to sit and have a good cry, but I don't even have the energy for it.

Wow, not seen mine for 10 weeks now. I don't count until you guys say how long and then I look back.
Keep focusing on your own healing and trying to fill your time with other stuff. Makes plans for summer, read, start a new box set, decorate a room or start some kind of project, clear out your clutter, start a hobby, join a local group or cause or whatever you fancy doing. What comes across loud and clear is how these men were the main focus of your lives and you let yourself get lost whilst giving your all to him. That's why it's important to retain your sense of self and your own life outside of the relationship. So much harder if you are married, have kids, or are living with him, but it's still possible to maintain your own life. So this is the time to claim yourself back from the worthless twat and show yourself some love and respect. Treat yourself like you treated him in the relationship

@babyblue. awful feeling we've been led up the garden path isn't it. When I looked at photos he looked so genuine and happy. I just don't understand. I understand feeling totally flawed. it's awful and knocks you sideways. I bet he doesn't even give me a thought now!

hand hold needed. I've deleted nearly all photos with a kind of sadness and numbness. He's gone.

Girls I love you all. Stay strong jenasaurus it’s good your ex feels sad. Let him wallow in that sadness for a bit so he can feel how miserable you have felt for so long. Let him feel your loss, don’t reward him with a response right now. That’s exactly what he wants and expects and it will set you back so far to give into that.

Found this quote and it seems very appropriate to share x

Meow that's a great quote.
OLD guy hasn't replied to my last message which was an answer to his question of how often I have my kids. He's been messaging regularly throughout the day but now ages since I replied so figure the fact I have LO all the time because his dad isn't interested has put him off. Which if true, means he is not someone I'd want to date anyway. I truly believe that if a guy is the right person for me then he will accept my situation happily and work with me to make a great relationship as a true partner. I refuse to take any kind of shit now. If anything seems off with anyone then I'm not interested.

LiteraryDevil that’s EXACTLY how I am. You know I had two dates planned recently that I had to cancel cos my boy was sick, and since then both guys gave up and stopped messaging me. Just couldn’t handle that my child comes first. Well he always will. I’m not taking any shit now either. However I do believe there are decent people out there, but I was naive rushing into something and making this guy into who I hoped he would be. I remember by the second date thinking he was perfect for me. I mean how dumb and naive. He just moulded himself into exactly the person I had told him I was looking for.

Meow that's shit. This guy has two kids himself and has them half the week each week so he's used to kids coming first. However he's also used to having half the week free to do as he likes. If it's one thing I hate it's rude ignorance of not replying to messages. It might be he's busy but seems suss that he's gone all quiet after learning I have sole care of my LO.

Good evening all! Just quickly catching up!
I’m with @Tictactic and @Pineapple on the OLD, I haven’t gone online but have been asked out and it has given me mixed feelings. Just can’t be bothered really getting to know someone only for them to leave.

Well done @Tictactic getting rid of the photos! It’s a brave move. I have only one or two left now. I can’t get rid of my favourites just yet.

@Literarydevil having gone through the things we all have it makes you a bit wiser and a little less able to take rubbish from these men. It’s for the best that man you was talking to has disappeared better than him mess around when you get invested.

@meow I did the same thing with my NC, felt certain I would marry him the day I met him. Seems stupid now but I just had that crazy feeling.

@Dimeal. I too felt I'd marry him when I first met him. Even looking at the pictures he is everything I wanted! Think i was a bit smitten (still am if allow myself) but my mind was/is moulding him into what I want. it's not real sadly! I have a few pics and a video of his voice (on local news) .. can't bring myself to watch video nor delete it. So I'm not quite there yet either.

It's made me think about NC more bizarrely. And miss him. The chatting was nice-only started last night so only a few messages-but it gets you thinking to the possibilities. But then when they don't message all the old shitty feelings come back and it's just not worth it. I don't think I can be arsed getting someone to babysit and figuring out how to get to and from a date on public transport. Or figuring out how to fit dating around being a mum. It seems like too much effort right now and I can't be bothered. I think I do want to be with someone but they have to be the right someone and at the moment I haven't the energy to even figure out dating let alone an actual relationship. NC was great st nothing being a problem regarding my LO and accepted him easily. Sure there were comments that weren't nice about him later on but he was fine with him being around I just think he was jealous of me being so close to him. He didn't have that closeness with his kids you see.
I've sat in bed for the past 2.5 hours reading
a book and have really enjoyed it. I love reading and couldn't live without books. Can happily live without men though!
Here's to a happy Friday

He's messaged just now with a nice message. Note to self: do not jump to conclusions that all men are shit! He's asking if I get any help with the children so that I can go out. Sounds like he's working up to asking me out.....
Will reply tomorrow.