NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Oh and LO's dad has seen him once. Once in 3 years. And I had to travel over 100 miles to facilitate that meeting and haven't heard from him since

@lucky I find it worst at night, I struggle to go to sleep and he was always there to cuddle on to! Not that I want to touch him now but you lack affection sometimes and that for me is the worst point. You won’t be alone forever. First stage is forgetting this loser NC, then you build on yourself and a new man will come into your life.

@literarydevil one thing I can’t stand is a man not involved in his child’s life. Like the Woman gets herself pregnant isn’t it, they take zero responsibility! Disgusts me!
Why do friends have to bring it up!

@LiteraryDevil
This is my problem - I've never ever met his family. I have no idea of their names or anything?! He's not from UK, his mums in Canada and his dad in London (with new family) and his grandparents, I know his surname/date of birth/nationality.
I have NO idea how to find them, I feel really stupid. But I suppose this pregnancy happened before you do all the usual meeting family and friends. Apparently his family knows about it all though.... but I have a feeling that's a lie....
I am worried about that happening, I know baby will be better off without a father in his life that doesn't give a fuck. But id like him to know his family. I don't even know where to start.

Only people who I work with tend to mention my NC - they know he isn't involed (due to me not being able to control how upset I was - much better now_ But they bring it up likes its nothing... im like ok lets see how you feel if you get knocked up and the person claims to care ands they fuck off.... not ok to bring it up randomly in the day

You need to find a new happy song to listen to!
Drake - nice for what
Ariana Grande - no tears left to cry
Calvin Harris - One kiss

first counselling session today. I internalise feelings and there has been a lot of hurt and let down in my life. surprisingly I hardly spoke about my NC but more how things have compounded over the years. I feel 'freer' of him but I also think it's not about him anymore, it's about me and how I've dealt with it. I feel a bit of an idiot fur having such a breakdown over an 8 week 'relationship.. like what on earth is wrong with me, am I mad?! I've survived far worse and more long standing relationships including divorce. In hindsight maybe I wasn't ready either.
@Dimeal. you have everything going for you. make sure you get support and I think you may internalise too perhaps? we're both technically minded it seems and set ourselves high standards. just with you mentioning depression... I hope you can concentrate on revision

Hi everyone

I cracked over the weekend and broke NC. We went out for a drink together and then he told me he’s been seeing somebody else for a couple of months. I almost threw up. I still love him. I immediately went to call a taxi and he told me no, don’t do that, so I stayed and listened to him for 10 agonising minutes.

Since then I’ve been a wreck. I haven’t eaten anything, feel sick all the time, my heart is pounding constantly and my chest feels like somebody is sitting on it. I’ve been shaking and crying on and off. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Thoughts of him are going round and round my head and I can’t stop them. I keep trying meditation and breathing exercises but they only help so much.

Please help me. I’ve never had anxiety like this before

@Tictactic
Hope youre doing ok after the session, they can leave you feeling a bit drained. I don't think youre an idiot for letting it affect you at all, each person has different impact on you. You don't always see the way someone effects you until you step away from the situation. You don't always see youre not ready until its too late.

Sending love and good vibes.

@Dimael - Lack of affection is the worst. I miss the cuddles and stuff too, but then when I think about being with him I get ragey lol.
You thoguth anymore about this date??

@LeChat. you're in shock it sounds. it has made it more 'real' for you . are you trying to do it alone? don't! go to gp and organise some counselling. you need support and someone to hand hold. you 'will' get through it. wft did he tell you for so early? are you married, have kids?
try distraction.. anything. what are you doing tonight? we're here for you

@babyblue. thank you. yes I feel a bit tired and also a bit embarrassed, not sure why .. I really did like my NC. I also don't have closure.. no answers really. however on a positive note I'm surviving it. I'm over the worst. Easter weekend was my worst. good vibes and positive warm feelings back.
lack of affection us hard. has anyone tried a massage? I might do that

tic no, not married and no kids. I’ve no idea why he told me and why he gave me details :( I’m in touch with the GP. It’s hell. I wish I could eat something because I feel so weak.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel paralysed. I try to watch tv to take my mind off it but it only works so much. I’ve never felt quite so anxious and devastated as this before :(

le chat why did he arrange to meet you? Do you think he planned to tell you.
You definately sound like you're in shock. Anxiety is terrible. I take beta blockers when mine is at its worst.

We're here for you.

It was a mutual friend’s leaving thing and he encouraged me to come. I don’t know why he felt the need to tell me in the way he did. He knew how difficult this weekend has been for me because it was the anniversary of my father’s death

@Tictactic - I feel you. I have no answers either, ive been left to just accept a decision he couldn't actually tell me himself, and im trying to ignore and forget all the false hopes and promises that were thrown at me.
Don't feel embarrassed, easily said I know, but itll feel much easier in time.
Oh yess a massage - I keep saying ill go but I ended up getting a friend to give me a head massage - felt much much better.

@Lechat - unexpected and a shock. Youre bound to feel awful, I think tic is right though, if youre feeling this bad.... maybe try gp and suggest talking therapy (ive heard this is really good)
but we are all here too. Sending love.

I’ve looked up ‘shock’ and it does all fit. Is this normal?

@babyblue. awful having no answers and trying to work it out. not like it will change anything. I think the counselling has helped. I'm feeling more out of the woods and can see a speckle of light in the distance.
@LeChat. I was like you Easter weekend. wiped out and frankly didn't move from my bed. I felt paralysed, alone and numb. I was supposed to be going away with him so didn't have my ds to attend to. I just accepted it. my mind and body shut down and I went with it. by the Monday I was coming around. I kept distracted by tv and also this thread. I felt so enclosed in my own world and felt like I was still attached to him. yes normal for shock. just eat something small. have you just started meds at all?

tic I’m sorry you went through this at Easter weekend. I’m staying in bed a lot but have relentless anxiety and restlessness and end up pacing my flat. Every minute feels like agony. I have diazepam and fluoxetine which I started a couple of weeks ago.

I feel like I’m stuck in a bad dream. Nothing feels real.

@Babyblue32 he said he thought he'd seen in the local supermarket where we both shop but hadn't wanted to say anything to me? I think it was an excuse to message me as I'm sure if he felt he couldn't talk to me he wouldn't text me to tell me that. We exchanged a few messages, he said he wished we could bet together etc etc. We just left it friendly then he messaged me today saying - Anyway I hope you find someone who can give you what i couldnt give you at the minute. Not sure what to make of it? xx

LeChat that's awful. What a bastard to do that to you.

I feel dreadful today, physically and emotionally. This period is awful and I am so grumpy and irritable and tired. Feel really guilty for having no patience with the kids. I just want to go to bed. I'm sick of hearing how fucking wonderful their dad is and how he lets them do whatever they want and pays for loads of activities when I'm struggling to feed us some weeks. I'm going to get tested for hypothyroid because I have lots of the symptoms and would explain a lot. I've felt shit since new year and ache like I've got flu most days. I've not had any time to myself since the end of January and it's taking its toll I think. I get a brief rest when LO has a nap and once they are all in bed but then I'm in bed myself. Not the same as proper me time is it. Sorry for the moan

@Tictactic I need support but I don’t have anyone to help me. My family have enough trouble with my brother having lost his job and Nana in hospital so I don’t want to bother them. And my friends well they will turn to my NC with it. I found out I made a mistake at work, I now feel that I’m not capable of doing my job either. I’m not even sad about him anymore just sad all round. I don’t know how to make it all stop.

@Babyblue I have just ignored him now for 2 days. I really can’t cope / feel able to handle this right now.

@lachatnuit That must have been awful for you. Maybe he didn’t want you finding out elsewhere and thought better to tell you himself than find out on sm or via a friend? Sending hugs your way!

@Dimeal. I know how you feel. nothing worse than feeling you have nowhere to turn. there are people to help. I'm pleased I made the first step today and it helped. I think our minds get preoccupied and muddled. don't beat yourself up for making a mistake.. it's easy done. its when we feel low it feels worse than it is. can you make your like manager aware if they're understanding?
I know I'm going to get some ad's just to lift me a bit.
You are capable of doing your job. Depression is one of the 5 stages of grief.. it's normal

@Dimael
You are not alone, I know you say your family have a lot going on, but they will support you. And you have is. I know it's all behind screens and we've never met, but you have our support. You will get through this.

You've got so much going, and then to be told you've made a mistake - don't put all your worry into it. Mistakes at work happen.

As for your friends, do you think maybe to could tell me to not go to him when you mention iit and you want there support . If there good friends they should respect that

Xxx

@Tictactic I am thinking of getting through the next few weeks until my exam and then taking some time off work, maybe use my holidays over a few weeks so I only have to work part time so I have space to breathe and time to see a doctor/counsellor. I sent someone a report to do with another company! Luckily it was the kinder of the bosses who saw it and said he wouldn’t tell the other one! Hopefully can lift myself out of this fog - going to try running again tomorrow as that helps me!
Thanks for listening and supporting me!

@Babyblue thanks for the support!! I know my family will help just don’t want to burden them with more troubles. I am just wanting things to be perfect and go my way and the more I want that the more things go wrong. I need to stabilise things and get back on an even footing. I think you are right about telling my friends how I feel hearing his name and thinking that they are talking with him about me also.

Dimael

Night night everyone. I really hope tomorrow is a brighter day for us all as things are shitty for a lot of us right now.

@Literary. hopefully you will feel better tomorrow. hormones do make things worse in terms of mood. it will probably lift in a few days. good night