NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Meow - me too! My other name was too obvious according to my friend lol.
Yeah I hate the feeling of being like yessss doing so well, and then bam brick wall of feeling shit and unwanted

Jen - he emailed back to bait you, he wanted a reaction and he got one. You caved and replied - it happens. If he replies again don't let him have the satisfaction... it'll just annoy him if you don't reply. We've all been close to caving and tbh the urge is too much! No judgment!! You can do this though.

Rose - this is so awful, and I feel for you I really do. I'm about to be in that situation, my DS will be here and his dad will have no interest and probably no knowledge that he's even born. It's such a worry that he'll be with someone else getting them pregnant - or that I'm the other woman he's got pregnant.
He won't realise, I tell myself everyday. You can't chase a man that doesn't even care for his own.
So much for mine being the disciplined respectable guy that the army has trained - lol bullshit

Oh girls, my NC's brother has sent me a message on Tinder telling me I'm beautiful...argh!!! He clearly has no idea who I am, which is kind of hilarious. He also has a girlfriend so shows just what a scumbag he and NC are really.

My favourite blogger made a new post about forgetting your ex, and the first point on how to get over them which is about disgust has really helped me today. I have started looking at the way I was treated with disgust and it actually makes me almost regret ever meeting him, which I never thought I'd feel.
postmalesyndrome.com/how-to-forget-about-your-ex/

Lucky34 Well done on blocking I am so proud. The thing with that is once you've done it there is relief...then there will be guilt and sadness and you'll want to unblock, if you can ride through that you'll feel relief again and things will become so much clearer to you. Trust me I NEVER thought I'd be able to block my NC and I'm almost 4 weeks into it.

Jenasaurus To be honest I think most of us would reply to that email. What you need to do now is realise there needs to be a cut off point. He knows what he's doing to get a reaction or response from you, and if you continue to feed into this he will know he has you still. Act like you don't care now, I'm sure you said everything you want to say in the email. Of course he'll now come back with some email response I'm sure that will make you angry and want to respond. If you can bear to maybe don't even read it for a few weeks until you're in a better head space. But don't beat yourself up, you're human and you reacted to it as we all would.

Rose267 Wow what a horrible man. You will get through it, we are all in the same boat just at different stages. I'm 2 weeks in and never thought I'd get this far. It's so hard, and I don't even have DC with this man, so it will be harder for you. But yes in time you will feel so much better.

meow his brother!!!!

The link you posted is a good one. Disgust is a great emotion. When I think if my NC & how he treated Me and how he'll be putting it about with others I feel disgusted and disappointed.

Everyone is doing great. The good days are a relief, the bad days are terrible but we can all do this. We deserve so much better x

Yes I accidentally swiped right on his brother yesterday, and was dreading if we matched. But we have, it made me feel sick. I don't know whether to say something or just unmatch. It's all quite funny really...quite like that his brother is hitting on me without realising who I am! If I was an evil bitch I'd organise to meet up with him and go on a date but I'm not. But also funny that I know he has a girlfriend when he's obviously on there trying to cheat on her. What a dream guy, just like his brother.

thanks for the support, really regretting emailing him now as he has gone NC, its like he wanted the last word... how can i be so dumb, i am 53 with 3 grown up kids, not a love sick teenager so why am I behaving like one xx

Meow - Jesus 😂 lucky lucky escape for you!! I dread to think he conversations they have as brothers 😬. Bullet dodged!

As fun as messaging would be, you could either do
*Message and say.... does your girlfriend know you're on tinder

Or

Just unmatch*

Actually cried tonight. Not like me at all. Silly program on about Cornwall where we went last summer and then then played a song from his favourite band's latest album. Not a very well known band either so totally unexpected to hear it on tv. I've deleted all their music off my phone so not heard it for weeks and weeks. He's not worth my time at all but I guess I need to mourn the loss of that dream of finally finding someone I thought was amazing. Until the rot set in of course. Must be the time of the month making me like this as normally stronger than this.

His brother? Yikes. I'd be messaging his gf to tell her.

I just told him 'sorry didn't mean to match, I dated your brother' and he said he didn't even know about me!!!!!!!!

Well that just sums up how important I was for those 5 months then. I told NC he kept me like a secret and he denied that and said he spoke to his family loads about me. His brother is his best friend...clearly he didn't say anything as the guy had no idea he'd dated me.

Quite funny really though. Time to unmatch.

MOVING ON...

LiteraryDevil Hugs hun that must have been unexpected and tough to see/hear. One day it won't hurt. There are songs I avoid at the moment. I remember he sent me a song once about 'missing you' and I can't listen to that now.

Jenasaurus It doesn't matter what age you are, you gave your heart to someone and it hurts. Yes clearly he wanted the last word which is what my NC was like. Let him have it, it doesn't mean much. Who cares now, you've sent a message telling him how crap he was and that's that really.

@meow I think his parents literally produced the two worst brothers going! How awful that he has a girlfriend and is on tinder! Why did he keep you a secret? Did you suspect he had another woman or not?

Starting to think I have actual depression now. Was at work and felt like crying - how embarrassing! My mutual friends were on about if I will see him again and it gets him back in my brain. And so I snapped and said no I probably won’t given that we don’t communicate anymore it would be awkward and I can’t guess how friendly / unfriendly it would be. The response - you will decide we don’t discuss you with him because we don’t know his reaction. Well what about how I feel all this bringing him up stirring my feelings up. I agreed to go on a date in the heat of the moment trying to move on but this is with a guy I know will be no good for me as well. How do I get out of this one? He is clingy and I know I will go from emotionally unavailable man to overly available man! I can’t make decisions these days, I keep waking up at 6am before my alarm and I feel uncomfortable in my skin. What has happened to me?

@Rose267 I caved and have unblocked him for the past hour... but he's not bothered and it has made me so anxious... so I am going to do it again. I guess I'll have to communicate with him sometime as we have a DC together but I have a feeling he won't want much to do with him. I feel so so low tonight and just want the day to be over.

Bloody song is stick in my head now. One of their other songs came on my phone this morning too as for some reason it's listed separately to the others and hadn't been deleted. Had to switch it off. Luckily the one I consider our song isn't on there now. We saw them live last autumn and was fab. Not my thing at all really but did like them.

One thing that really pissed me off when I went back on OLD was that I saw I'd listed a particular comedy show as one of my favourites on my profile. (I'd come off OLD once we'd had 3/4 dates so hadn't seen or even thought about my profile since then) This would explain my surprise that he hated that show when it came on one night and I was all yay! and he was all scowls. Why even answer my hello message at the very beginning if our different tastes in tv and music were going to be an issue? He took the piss out of my taste in music and films all the time. I don't think he'd listed much on his or nothing to make me think we had very different tastes anyway but mine are very clearly stated. Now I don't even entertain messaging anyone who has music and tv tastes at great odds with mine. Seems most of the blokes my age all like the same things though

@Dimeal. we are still moving on and early days. we aren't out of the woods yet. with regards to 'friends' politely say you don't want to talk about him as you're trying to move on. with regards to new date you have nothing to lose. he isn't right for you. in some ways not fair on him to go knowing that? depends what he wants. I'm sure some men can pick out when we're vulnerable so be careful. chatting might be a good distraction? if you know it's not a good idea you have the perfect excuse/reason and cancel. says it's too soon.
I know the feeling 'what's is happening to me ' and I'm also feeling 'who am I'
as we know the grieving process isn't linear. you're strong. keep on keeping on

Dimael cancel the date if you don't want to go, people will understand you are not ready. Big hugs to you, try and look after yourself it is such a hard time for you, but you are showing such strength.

LiteraryDevil Whilst I think it's good to have things in common, sometimes things like TV shows I don't really mind a difference of choice. In a way it's nice to date someone who doesn't like everything you like, so they can introduce you to what they are into, and you can introduce them to yours. But as you know your NC wasn't exactly caring what you were into, he probably just thought you were hot and wanted to get with you. Guys don't exactly go on what we say in our bios and what we like, they're a lot less fussy for the most part.

Lucky34 If you aren't already, head to bed now. Keep him blocked too, delete his number from your phone. You can't keep unblocking and blocking him. He may message and you wouldn't know when he's blocked, and then to unblock him shows weakness and that you can't stick to your guns. If he wants to see DC he will find a way to contact you. You don't need to reach out to him.

Right, I'm off to bed. Wishing you all STRENGTH through tonight and tomorrow. Try and see these guys with the disgust they deserve. Would you treat a person the way you have been treated? I know I wouldn't. If a guy really liked me and I wasn't into a relationship, I would NEVER string them along like I have been. Just think of all the negative things your NC has done to you and remember it takes a nasty person to treat someone that way.

X

@Tictactic @Meow I turned him down twice before and I told him about my break up but still he keeps asking. This is what frightens me, he knows how vulnerable I am and keeps pushing to date me. Anyone else would have backed off and asked again in a few months. I guess the break up got me feeling sceptical and untrusting. My head space is not right for this. Next exam in 3/4 weeks got to stay focused on that.

I read that article @meow on Facebook today as well. It talks a lot of sense! I had the disgust feeling already and I don’t want him but still I get thoughts during the day. Time and distance is needed.

Pops went and it was the same old him. That was that. We were together 10/11years and good mates before that for a couple of years. It's felt like loosing a massive part of me. But I'm over the heartbreak bit I think.
It's just the getting used to all the firsts as a single person.

If I'd gone on a date with someone else I wouldn't be going for a 2nd.

Dimael exams...feeling for you, what are you studying?

Meow did the brother reply?
And the fact he didn't even know just says he's not worth it even more!

Lit - sometimes you can be really strong and a little something will trigger you! A good cry doesn't hurt
I hope you're feeling better this morning at least

Dimael - I'm always on the edge at work of crying. Friends sometimes don't realises tnag just because you seem to show you're ok that you're not. They bring up the subject like it isn't a massive deal... I can sympathise with you.
The guy seems eager to date.... but it's stil always up to you. Maybe suggest after your exams or something? See what he says, and you may or may not feel differently?

I'm on edge this morning, keep thinking about him. I wanted to scroll fb and see if was posting: I can't re add him I don't have the option or I think I would of. I haven't added his number back since Saturday.... and insta is still a no go. But I just feel so in edge. I didn't relax all night. I'm so tired today, I'm already running late for work: I don't even want to go

Morning everyone! Crappy night but partially my own fault for allowing my very cute LO to snuggle with me! I was going to put him back in his cot once he was asleep but I love snuggling with him and fell asleep so didn't. Only problem is he's such a nighttime fidget so he's all over the bed and keeps waking me up.
We are off out with friends today to somewhere that's by the river so we'll walk along the riverside path from school and have a good chat and play.
Promise I'll catch up properly later.
Happy thoughts to all

Checking in for day 21

@wheelycote I am a trainee accountant and it’s in financial reporting.

@babyblue glad it isn’t just me then. Yes I put a strong front on but I am sure people can see through my act but maybe they can’t. I don’t feel ready to let anyone else in at all, I have zero interest in making small talk to get to know someone because I remember staying up all night excited when I first met my NC doing the whole talking thing. I need time.

Good morning everyone!!!

Good morning ladies

Well I blocked NC again last night & have decided to be strong & keep it that way. I've tried to write a list of all the reasons I wouldn't want him back and it has helped somewhat. I guess I just need to accept I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life & try and see the benefits to that.

I find waking up in the morning so difficult as I know I have another battle ahead of me.

It wouldn't be so bad if I thought he was missing me a little bit but being the narcissist he is.... I'm positive he is just getting on with life & not giving me or DS a second thought.

Hey girls...

Babyblue32 He just responded to say he had no idea about me and his brother dating, and then I unmatched him. That was all I needed to hear really, that I was a secret lol.

Day 15 for me of full NC, and I feel....GREAT.

I honestly don't know if this is going to stay this way as my feelings have been so up and down. But as I said before, feeling utter DISGUST at the way he's treated me, just makes me realise WHY would I want this guy. In my head I made him out to be wonderful, and he's not. Sure, he has good qualities and deep down he can be a nice guy. But he's not good enough for me...at all! Finally feel over it all now, I do think of him a lot and miss the old him. But I have come to terms with my naivety and realise how he took advantage of my insecurities. I'm proud of myself for only putting up for it for 5 months and walking away. Had I had no self esteem like a few years ago I would have been his FWB for years.

Lucky34 That is absolutely not true about you being alone forever. Remember you are CHOOSING a different life - one without someone that didn't treat you or your beautiful DS correctly. Keep strong and read your list of why he's such a knob, and think - would you treat someone the way he has treated you? You wouldn't would you...because you're a DECENT human being, and he is not. Remember that.

After five days no contact he messaged me last night. Was happy to hear from him but think it's got my hopes up now xx

@Lucky34 - You're not going to be alone forever. You've just a decent choice to not be treated and taken for granted. That does not mean you wont find someone else, just right now you have to focus on YOU.
Well done for blocking him. Keep strong and go back to the list if you feel like you need to see why you're doing NC.
I think we can all agree on this thread, its hard and at first you feel like you'll never love or be loved again - But break ups happen. some affect us more than others.

@Dimael Good luck with exams. Nope not just you. I feel like that a lot this week. :(

@meowimcat Hmm as much as its a kick in the teeth that you were a secret, it gives you more motivation too. The whole making him out to be better than he was. Totally guilty of this.

I'm at work sitting on a desk bored senseless. I really want to start googling his name or finding his family CRAZY STALKER MOMENT
I so badly want his family to know about this baby. Like its eating me up everyday. I want to be able to contact his mum or dad (Both separate apparently) and tell them the kind of person hes grown into. But its not my place, hes just a complete so and so.

ITS BEEN NEALRY FIVE WEEKS!!!! FIVE WEEKS and he still hasn't said ANYTHING. NOTHING

God I don't even know why I want him to bother. If he did text me its not like it would be anything relvent. He has no bloody interest in this baby anyway, his only interest was me. He actually said once
Im still not excited about it (baby) - but im still excited about you. I still want you

JESUS. I NEED A SLAP OR SOMETHING

@flowergirl5

what did he say?!

Babyblue my LO is 3 and his paternal family know all about him but have never bothered at all. He has two half brothers. The only person who bothers is his dad's ex wife!! She sends Christmas presents to LO and my daughters which is lovely. However I have distanced myself as feel upset by it all. His brother is 16 and she has never been able to persuade him to visit. His other brother has a different mum and is now mid 20s, has my number but has never bothered to keep in touch. I'm thinking of creating a thread under a different name to talk about that situation as LO is starting to ask about his dad now and I'm not sure what to say. Once your baby is born then you might want to contact them to tell them about him or her and that's what I did. It's up to them then what they do but I felt I had to do it. His paternal GM didn't even acknowledge my message. I'd never actually met her myself. I know his dad though and his twin sister. They aren't interested. Their loss.

That bloody song is still in my head! My friend was asking if I'd heard from NC so told her I'd told him I didn't want anything to do with him. She seemed surprised.