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Original poster

When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

163 replies

killthedj · 30/03/2018 06:43

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

OP posts:
Addy2 · 30/03/2018 06:49

Too early yet to move him in. Five months is nothing. If you are definitely going to be together forever (remembering that every married couple thinks this and half of them eventuality divorce) surely there is no harm in waiting a year?

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 06:54

Oh yes the moving in would be oct-dec kind of range. Not now.... I have told him.he might as well leave some clothes behind considering he does live half the time in my place.

OP posts:
himalayansalt · 30/03/2018 06:54

How come your dd has no idea he exists when he spends half the week with you?

InfiniteSheldon · 30/03/2018 06:56

My dc were 20 and 18 before I loved with my now dh. They were 5 and 7 when I left their df.

CosmicCanary · 30/03/2018 06:58

I introduced bf as a "friend" after 7 months and he started staying over when the DC were with me after about a year. Three years on we still dont luve together but thats by choice.

Having children does make relationships much more complicated and living together changes the dynamics of the relantionship.

For me I would say your relationship needs to go through all the general life events ( holiday, christmas, seasonal illness, birthdays etc) at least once before you move in together.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 07:00

I have a 50/50 custody arrangement with my ex. So she spends 3-4 nights with me depending on the week.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 30/03/2018 07:02

You seem to be in quite a rush to push things. Moving in after less than a year, especially when there are children who are caught in the middle sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Take things slowly and let things develop naturally.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 30/03/2018 07:05

You’ll be told you’re not putting the children first if you don’t wait eleventy billion years 🙄

I think a few months before introducing them is fine. Then doing it slowly, seeing how everyone gets on.

However, in your situation I wouldn’t involve him in my DD’s life until he has his situation sorted out with his children & his ex wife. Living in two separate houses because he’s being manipulated by his ex wife is not a good situation for your DD and I would put her future happiness far above my own with a man I’ve known 5 months.

The fact you’re contemplating allowing his ex to dictate how you live going forward, isn’t good.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 07:09

I can live with us living separately, I think that's fine and probably for the best. But I don't like lying to my DD nor the double life. We've had to close calls, once he stayed overnight when my DD was staying with me and yesterday when he had hide in the closet because he saw my ex was about to knock on the door and panicked and hid upstairs :/

OP posts:
Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 07:19

We'll technically he's not being manipulated the DC are. They have been poisoned against me and I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. His ex has told them terrible things about me including that I'm the daughter of criminals and a witch (literally!) She's shown them pictures of myself so they could identify me on the streets. His DD is ok about everything she even said that I looked "nice" but his DS has been traumatised.

OP posts:
backsackcraic · 30/03/2018 07:23

I met my DH online, chatted for a few weeks, met up, knew he was the one and within 6 weeks he was living with me and my two dc aged 7 and 8. 17 years later and we are still together. Life hasn't been easy at times but I followed my heart. There's no set time, just do what feels right when it feels right.

PollyBanana · 30/03/2018 07:34

I wouldn't want to live with a man whose child was traumatised by my existence.
Remember that once upon a time, he thought he was going to be with his Ex for the rest their lives...

stargirl1701 · 30/03/2018 07:46

2-3 years I would think.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 07:59

Polly technically he never thought that (nor did I with my ex) but that's a different story...

OP posts:
Fineline2018 · 30/03/2018 09:27

I wouldn’t even think of it until his child is sorted. There will be lots of knock on effects if he is genuinely ‘traumatised.’

TheNaze73 · 30/03/2018 09:35

2-3 years I would think

I agree with this

Minime85 · 30/03/2018 09:45

Killthedj as another poster said there will be lots of different views and lots telling you to wait a long time and in some instances they are right. But often unrealistic as they don’t live your life.
There is no hard and fast set of rules or solutions. Every family set up is different. How old is you DD as I think that depending on her age changes how you approach things.
My OH met my kids after about 2 months and moved in after 10
Months. That was perhaps sooner that I would have expected but it was a difficult situation re OH living arrangements. Some people
Would berate me for that. It has worked for us thus far. And hopefully will continue to do so. This was over 4 years ago. My DCs like living in a family arrangement. They like the security that offers them after their dad left. They also get to see their mum happy and what a good relationship looks like. They equally get this from their dad who also lives with someone and her kids.

Issues with ex and children aren’t going to disappear over night but that’s what relationships are about.
You have to just do your best to judge what will work for you. Good luck.

OakIsBetterTho · 30/03/2018 09:53

Personally I would say at least a year before introducing them, as that gives the relationship a chance once the first flushes are over and you settle into properly knowing each other. Moving in thereafter, that's a tricky one. In a stable, happy relationship where you have no doubts, probably another 18 months or so? That gives your children and your partner time to build a relationship before squashing their two worlds into one. Should you have any doubts tho, never. A relationship with problems is seldom improved by adding pressures of living together and step parenting, and I don't think, given the choice, children should be subjected to that.
I know fat too many people who have rushed their relationships and moved partners in with their children all for it just to blow up and it's just not fair on the children, it's incredibly selfish imo.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 10:17

My sister’s wedding is in September and I’d like him to come with me (by then we would have been together for almost a year), but I also understand that my DD would have been acquainted and got used to his presence by then. His DS is just such an unknown, I know they’re going to go through mediation as now his son refuses to see him (partially because of my own existence). Sometimes that makes me think our relationship is doomed, but he seems to think it will get sorted as soon as he can explain to his DS who and how I genuinely am. His DD is a completely different story but of course she’s younger. BTW my DD is 8, his DS is 11and his DD is 6 if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
planetcoaster · 30/03/2018 10:25

I introduced my partner to my DS after we'd been together for about a year. We moved in together after five years, once we were engaged. It worked well for us and we've never had any conflict or issues - we've been together for 12 years now. I never introduced any other boyfriends to DS, even though I'd been in relationships before my current DH for up to a year - you just don't know that early on whether the relationship is going to last and it can't be good for dc to get to know lots of different men and then not see them again if the relationship ends.

Camiila · 30/03/2018 10:28

I would give it couple more years at least

Minime85 · 30/03/2018 10:54

OP I think aiming to be going to the wedding together is a good idea. It’s something to aim for and work towards. Then see how that goes.

It sounds complicated with his children. I would want to let that mediation happen fairly soon and if his son insists he won’t see him if you are together, you have to think about how that will work out long term. Both of you do.

Cockmagic · 30/03/2018 10:59

Yeah it's too soon. You don't know someone that well after just five months

He also needs to meet your child, he may be lovely but his personality may clacsh with your DD, you may have different parenting styles etc.

Also yours and his kids may not get on, please don't move in until they've had chance to meet and bond.

Addy2 · 30/03/2018 11:04

Isn't it forbidden for one parent to poison a child's view of the other parent intentionally? I'm sure I've seen it referred to on here as parental alienation. Couldn't be gain custody of the child in question if this has happened? I know the poisoning was mainly directed at you, but it sounds like it has definitely had an impact on how the child views his father and on their relationship.

WhitneyHoustonsbathtub · 30/03/2018 11:06

Awful

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