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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

163 replies

killthedj · 30/03/2018 06:43

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

OP posts:
killthedj · 31/03/2018 08:44

Thanks for the replies! On my end it’s actually going quite smoothly, it is his side of things that are mega bumpy. Because of this and because of the amount of time he spends with me is that I would love for my daughter to be aware of his existence. late September is when the wedding is and it’s abroad so I would love for them to at least be more or less used to each other by then. Moving in is a bit of a different story but because I’d like to buy and my current tenancy agreement expires in Jan 2019 is that I would like to move in to the new house together rather than multiple moves.

OP posts:
mammmamia · 31/03/2018 09:24

OP you can’t let external events such as someone else’s wedding and your tenancy agreement dictate the pace of your relationship.
You need to put your daughter first and definitely not think about additional children while his DC situation is so fraught.

JennyHolzersGhost · 31/03/2018 10:10

You’re not actually engaging with anyone who says anything that doesn’t suit you, are you.

killthedj · 31/03/2018 10:25

I don’t think that’s actually accurate Jenny it’s all food for thought really. I don’t see myself waiting years I simply don’t. There are a few unknowns in our relationship but for the same reason I think things will move a lot faster than they normally would. We are on the same page about most thing, we haven’t had a disagreement in the past 5 months at all... We’ve seen each other cry... we’re going on our first “romantic weekend” in a couple of weeks. He’s meeting my mum in May, we’re having a mini London break with my sister in July and I’m meeting his family in August. I would love him to come to my sister’s wedding, he’s already missing my cousin’s because we’re being “sensible”. But I’d rather he was there with me. The other thing is that because I have 50/50 custody it seems to me like the blow is a bit “less damaging”. It was my DD’s idea that I should be with someone by my bday. My ex has already had someone stay for the weekend in what terms I don’t know, but that actually happened and she seems super OK about everything. My DD in fact says that the divorce wears the best thing that had ever happened as she doesn’t see me sad nor crying anymore, whenever I see her I’m happy and full of energy. So in reality she would be meeting som,done 18 months after separation, moving in after 2 years... Which seems way more reasonable IMO

OP posts:
OakIsBetterTho · 31/03/2018 10:39

I don't think there's anything wrong with him coming to your sisters wedding with you but (and I am sorry for being harsh and bursting your bubble) I think you're being selfish and bull-headed wanting him to move in by next January. It's too soon imo, and it's definitely not putting your child first. She'll only have known him 4/5 months and that simply isn't enough. It won't kill any of you to wait a little longer. Why rush it? If he's the one, nothing will change if you do wait another year or so.

Fineline2018 · 31/03/2018 10:44

Tbf your daughter is 8.

Appuskidu · 31/03/2018 10:50

Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea.

Can you elaborate on this-what do you mean? What is a good idea? What is her own suggestion?

expatinspain · 31/03/2018 10:57

It really depends on the situation. If you have had a string of men who you have introduced to DCs and the relationships haven't worked out, then best to wait a year or more. If this isn't the case and you really feel you have a future together, then introduce him now, as a friend. Spend time all together and make sure you still spend quality one-on-one time with your kids.

I am in a relationship and DD adores my DP. We even made the move abroad together. I knew him as a friend through work, and DD had met him once or twice through work events before we got together, so slightly different situation, but she officially met him around six weeks after we got together.

We moved in together 8 months into the relationship and we are a family now three years plus down the line.

This is just my experience and I'm sure many people will disagree with me, but I really think you can't put a random time limit on these things. Before DP, there were men I dated who never got introduced to DD, he was the first. I knew it was right and that there was a future.

mammmamia · 31/03/2018 11:33

OP sorry but you are in a honeymoon period and the birthday thing makes no sense.

phoenix1973 · 31/03/2018 11:41

2-3 years.

Katjolo · 31/03/2018 11:41

Introduce at one year. Move in two years plus... I would really take my time.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 31/03/2018 11:41

You really need to shelve any notion of moving in together.

The focus needs to be on his relationship with his son. Children should always be centred, and if any are struggling, their needs must come first.

This is why you can’t put a time on it.

crimsonlake · 31/03/2018 11:48

Actually you are not single, you are separated. From what I am reading you have both only been apart from partners for a year and got together soon after. Given the back story you have just given I am not surprised that his ex is bitter, though of course no excuse for poisoning the children's minds.

lifebegins50 · 31/03/2018 11:49

We may all sound like cynics but his story just doesn't ring true. He had 2 children with his ex wife, got bored and only left when it became obvious a relationship with you would happen.
Nothing we can say will stop your plans as you are in the love bombing stage which is very seductive.
His ex may have a very different story but because there is such hostility between you and her, the facts will not get to you.

My ex was previously married, same story, pg unplanned so he made the best of it etc.
I was definitely not OW but like your situation he had noticed me and in his words, played the long game. They separated and months later we got together.His ex behaved poorly, despite being in a new relationship herself.I only saw her lashing out and his "charm".
Years later I have a very different view, ex is highly manipulative under the gentle and charming exterior.His ex suffered (like I did) but reacted badly, thankfully I have survived slighly better but only due to family support.

I believed in "true love" but was completely naive.You may be the same.There will be a valid reason his son and ex think he has behaved badly..don't let her emotional (and maybe irrational) outbursts disguise the obvious hurt he has inflicted on his family.
If he did it to them, he will do it to you.

TheCrystalChandelier · 31/03/2018 11:52

Going against the grain slightly here but I am personally of the opinion that children should be introduced sooner rather than later. Not to a string of flings, but the reality is that children do change the dynamic of a relationship, and there is little point investing a year or more in a relationship if the DC are going to change everything at the point of introduction.

You can introduce someone as a friend without needing to talk about the potential seriousness of things at first, and just see how they get on and then take it from there.

With regards to moving in, I would leave it at least a couple of years until you’re out of the honeymoon period. Because many children who do take to a new partner straight away will become more trying as things progress, not least because kids change as they grow up etc, and it’s a lot harder parenting someone else’s children and maintaining that level of tolerance if the kids aren’t yours, iyswim.

My dc was nine when he met my partner, but it wasn’t through my decision. They got on and still do get on nearly six years later, however although we wanted to move in together quickly at first, circumstances meant that didn’t happen, and now six years down the line I have a sometimes stroppy teenager and a partner who do get on, but it’s beneficial sometimes to have the time when DP goes back home (and we are long distance) if he and DC have e.g. clashed a bit over the weekend, and then it is just me and DC which often works well iyswim. As things stand we likely won’t move in together now until DC leaves school, and in retrospect that is not necessarily a bad thing, not because DC and DP don’t get on, they do, extremely well, but living together changes the dynamic for everyone.

The one thing about your relationship which would concern me is the fact that his children are against you. This is unfortunately likely to get worse rather than better, and you don’t want to be part of a dynamic where the DC don’t come over because they don’t want anything to do with you. So while I would introduce your DP to your DD, I wouldn’t look to move in together at all until the DC are adults. Sorry.

Too many people move in together quickly and believe things will work out and then they don’t. Far better to put the children first and move in later if that is what is meant to be.

Walkaboutwendy · 31/03/2018 11:55

On my end it’s actually going quite smoothly, it is his side of things that are mega bumpy.

I'm curious how is it going smoothly your side if your daughter doesn't even know he's your boyfriend Confused

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 31/03/2018 13:10

That's way too soon. At least 3 years.

killthedj · 31/03/2018 19:44

I mean that the divorce / separation is going smoothly for her. She seems to be ok with it all and even happy. In better news it seems like finally his DS wants to spend some time with him, so at least things are moving forwards that way.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 31/03/2018 20:03

I’m glad his son wants to spend time with his dad.

Where people get these figures of 2,3,5 years etc from I’ve no idea. Everyone needs to do what works for them.

Don’t vilify people who you don’t know by calling them irresponsible and selfish.

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view […] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." As Atticus said to Scout.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 31/03/2018 20:38

Hmm, he reckons he only got married because of an unplanned pregnancy? But he doesn't just have 1 kid though does he? He has 2. His dd was born 6 (?) years after his ds so the marriage being a mistake and his wanting to leave his wife for years sounds like complete bollocks to me. I am very skeptical believing everything he is telling you, mirroring your own marriage woes, etc etc.
And after dating for only 20 weeks you are completely blind to anything that gets in the way of your blended family dream. Frankly this sounds potentialy bloody awful for the kids especially considering their parents only separated a year ago!!!

killthedj · 31/03/2018 20:49

Well technically he didn’t know anything about mine until I heard his story first. The first unplanned pregnancy is most definitely true, the second one was planned for the most part. Although I think the main point here is that i never was the OW as his separation/divorce was a known entity once I connected the dots. We do have some sort of connection which I’ve never felt before, the closest was with my very first boyfriend.

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 31/03/2018 20:50

Forgot to add that I have experienced parents introducing me as a kid to short term partners and it was really traumatic and confusing.
This is hugely unsettling period for the kids, even ones that are supposedly moving on seemlessly.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 31/03/2018 20:56

So he and wife planned to have a second baby. Again, that doesn't sound like he was desperate to leave the marriage does it.

Decoratingdisasters · 31/03/2018 21:28

If he and your DC don't get along, it may never be a right time to move him in! Thinking way too far ahead here.

INeedToEat · 31/03/2018 22:32

I think the amount of time since your last relationship ended (from a child's mum/dad) is more important (and damaging) than a child meeting a new boyfriend/girlfriend some years later.

My ex tried to introduce our son to a new women 6 months after our relationship ended. He was 12 yr old and it was the beginning of the end of their relationship. Son has now refused to see his dad for 2 years (Now aged 15 yrs).

Since the break up my son hasn't met any of my boyfriend's (one was a year long). There is absolutely no need for him to meet them or even know about them. He comes first.. particularly after the shit his dad put him through. However, if I met someone tomorrow And I knew he was 'the one' I wouldn't have a problem with them meeting fairly early on because of the time lapse of his dad leaving.