When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

[killthedj]

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

I really think he needs to sort out his relationship with his son before he gets involved with your daughter on any level. She's 8, she's not stupid and will certainly start asking questions about him being your boyfriend soon. The situation must be horrendous with his son if it requires mediation. That alone would be reason for me to say goodbye until it's sorted. You're lying to your daughter, he's probably going to tell his son he's not seeing you in order to placate him and it's all a big tangled web.
My experience with a man with children has put me off getting involved with anyone with children again. My two eldest couldn't stand his two. It made things very stressful and they only saw each other a handful of times.
Ultimately I think you both need to put your relationship on hold and so he can concentrate on his son.

he knows he would win a custody case

Hmmm. No. It’s not that simple. It’s particularly not that simple when you consider the psychological damage done to children by one parent just upping and leaving. The courts don’t yet recognise parental alienation as a ‘thing’ in the UK but there are, of course, some extreme cases where residence of children has been given to the other parent because of the continued hostility. But at the moment, as you have described things, no, he doesn’t stand much of a chance of residence if he decides to go to court.

You need to have a good read of the step parenting forum and see the damage a difficult ex can inflict on a relationship. You should also consider there are two sides to every story and actually, introducing children so early in a relationship isn’t particularly positive, is it? She has a right to be concerned about the welfare of her children and from her perspective, he hardly knows you but is skipping around playing happy families. She has an absolute right to worry.

7 pages of very good advice and op is choosing to ignore it all, collude with her bf in painting the ex as some vindictive harridan (how predictable to blame his WIFE) and steamroll ahead with plans of an idyllic blended family even though this is obviously hellish for the kids. But it's all good, cos they are so in luuurve. After 5 months. Pfft.

I think the op is living in cloud cuckoo land basically.

He wouldn’t get full custody as his son doesn’t want to see him and he is old enough for his views to be considered. So that’s a non starter.

ruddy has it spot on

OP, your ex the DC dad, was he abusive by any chance?

This new bloke (not partner, you have known him long enough to call him that) is HE abusive?

What? you don't think so? or you don't know?

You don't know this guy AT ALL. He certainly doesn't know you, so why on earth would he be moving in when his kids (who allegedly come first) 'hate him', or why is he future faking to the point of half asking you to marry him?

you are in this love drunk bubble atm and are not thinking straight

he is not the answer to your prayers, he's a bloke you have met recently, who clearly has a lot of things to sort out properly with his kids and ex.

OP I notice from another post that you are Jewish. Not that it should have any bearing on this situation but I'm wondering if it does as far as the boyfriend and his ex go? I just get the impression that there's more going on here on his side of things.

I think OP is spot on sensible. I agree with what she has done, has planned.

You only live once, if it feels right, go for it. Forget the squares on here saying years for anything to happen. Children should not dictate who and how you have relationship with.

I know so many people who are/were together because of unplanned pregnancy, myself included.

Lots of people meet the new partners children in less then 6 months.

I live in a posh part of town, in case you assume I am just a poor person (Jeremy Kyle fodder)

Forget the squares on here

Have you transported yourself here directly from the summer of love?

Directly from name change I think!

It's a very odd post, that's for sure.