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Original poster

When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

163 replies

killthedj · 30/03/2018 06:43

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 11:20

I do beilieve that what she’s done is almost unbelievable but the damage has already been done. he knows he would win a custody case (psychological damage comes to mind) however he thinks that there’s no point to force his DS to see him. It will only cause more harm. Mediation will start next week.Hopefully it will help.

OP posts:
Minime85 · 30/03/2018 11:35

Well I hope it goes well. And good luck with your situation.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 13:46

Yeah i think it’s in many ways a lost cause but I don’t want to throw the towel just yet. originally we had dreams of a blended family but i think that’s definitely a pipe dream now

OP posts:
Fineline2018 · 30/03/2018 14:07

His son’s views will be taken into account as he is 11.

tonglong · 30/03/2018 14:08

I agree with 4-6 months to introduce them, 8-12 months move in.

My ex met a guy on tinder on Saturday, was in love by Sunday. I had my daughter in tears about it by Friday.

Some people including on here think what she has done is up to her and not my concern. Others agree with me that what she has done is not good for our 8 year old daughter.

Camiila · 30/03/2018 14:12

I agree with 4-6 months to introduce them, 8-12 months move in.

much too fast in my opinion, as a teacher, watching the devastating effects on children over and over again, in the classroom.

Some children go through this 3 times in a childhood. It destroys them

originally we had dreams of a blended family but i think that’s definitely a pipe dream now these parental "dreams" more often than not are the children's worst nightmares

stitchglitched · 30/03/2018 14:21

backsackcraic You moved a man off the internet in with your kids 6 weeks after meeting him? You were incredibly lucky that it worked out because that is a massive risk to take with your kid's safety and welfare.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 15:42

Well technically I’m talking about 8 months to introduce and 14 months to move in more or less. All of these of course is just theory as his DS might approach my DD and tell her what he “knows”, doubt it but possible as I’m sure they’ve also shown him photos of my DD and they both go to the same school.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 30/03/2018 16:13

I was thinking the same stitch very irresponsible IMO and just luck that it worked out.
I honestly don't get women who move men in with their kids they barely know. 6 weeks is still a stranger.

f83mx · 30/03/2018 16:15

Why can't you tell your DD you're seeing someone but its very early days (20 weeks isn't that long), you're not lying to her or deceiving her by them not meeting are you. All sounds very messy to be even thinking about moving in at this stage.

thethoughtfox · 30/03/2018 16:16

I have to say I'm shocked you are thinking about both in the same breath. I would imagine giving them a year or more to get used to him and then thinking of him as part of their family. Then you have two sets children who would need to get used to each other. It's worrying that you are 100% sure when you have never even see the way he interacts with your children when they are at their worst.

AlexisColbysFANCYfrock · 30/03/2018 16:17

I think introducing him to your DD is one thing. You could do that quite soon, in the spirit of being open. If he is staying a few nights a week when she isn't there, you can still keep things quite separate and introduce your DD to the idea of spending time with him and them getting to know each other nice and slowly.

Honestly? I think its bonkers to be even considering moving in together so soon. I'd be waiting for a minimum of another 18 mths-2 yrs. Give your relationship time to develop past the honeymoon phase before you commit yourself (and your DD).

thethoughtfox · 30/03/2018 16:23

Why are you even considering moving in with a man when you know this could, and is, destroying his relationship with his father? The children need to be put first. It is very sad that this has happened for all of you. But now you have be the parents that your children need.

Bufferingkisses · 30/03/2018 16:28

My dc were 12 and 14 when oh and I got together. They knew him as in had met him in the street etc. We waited over a year before he spent any time with us at home. 2 years later we happily live in two houses, him staying at mine and I stay at his about once a month or so.
We won't live together whilst my dc are at home although both dc have a great relationship with him and have both asked if he's going to live with us. My home Is, first and foremost, sanctuary for my dc. There is no good enough reason for unsettling that however well they get on with my partner.
Once they are adults living at home (assuming that happens) and they are choosing to stay at home when they have the ability to live independently our decisions may change. In the meantime though there is no reason to rush into blending. Loving someone does not automatically equal living with them.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 16:33

fox I think the responsible of all of this is his ex and no one else. She could hate me/him as much as she likes but dragging the children into it is a completely separate thing. What are we to do, break up? That seems a very, very sad option considering how much we both suffered in our previous EA relationships. I obviously don’t want him to choose between me or his DS that’s definitely his ex’s agenda

OP posts:
Minime85 · 30/03/2018 16:36

Wanting to create a Home with a new partner isn’t irresponsible. It’s about how you do it. I understand how you feel about keeping a secret from them. You can say it’s just your friend but my youngest worked it out. Honesty is best.

Don’t rush in blindly but equally don’t feel you have to wait a decade. I think if you wait too long and then discover your parenting is very different then you’ve wasted a lot of emotion and time on it all.

I agree with another poster about waiting until things are sorted or improved with his son .

Sirzy · 30/03/2018 16:36

You can’t control his ex though. For now his main focus needs to be on repairing his relationship with his son. That doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship with him but it does mean things need to be taken slowly and not even think about meeting children until way down the line when his relationship with his son is stronger.

If it’s to be a proper relationship then their is no need to rush it.

Fineline2018 · 30/03/2018 16:40

How long have you been separated/divorced? What about him?

YearOfYouRemember · 30/03/2018 16:44

I'm surprised an 11 year old is traumatised by you supposedly being something that doesn't exist Confused.

MrPebbles · 30/03/2018 16:55

I think you need to give it a good year of socialising both your children before you decide to move in together.

You cannot underestimate the impact on your relationship or on your children the difficulties of blending a family. Even more so when there is an angry ex in the background.

It's an emotional strain on everyone and you need to be sure you can cope with that yourself and your relationship can withstand it before you ask your kids to deal with it (and no matter how hard you try - your DD will suffer the consequences of the exe's treatment of him, you and their kids). Cancelled contact, spurious lies, last minute changes - you can't hide all of those games she may play from your DD.

And remember - no matter what he has told you. He is not lily white in the breakdown of the relationship with his ex. No matter what he has told you. Don't jump in.

I say all of this from experience.

thethoughtfox · 30/03/2018 16:57

Thank you for responding to what I said: I know it didn't seem kind. It is completely unacceptable what has happened but it doesn't matter who is to blame. The children must come first. What Bufferingkisses wrote a few posts ago is exactly how I feel: the children's home must be their sanctuary. You may not be asking your partner to chose between you but your relationship with him is forcing this. In your position, I would end the relationship and hope father and son can be reconciled. TBH, the ex may cause this again with every future relationship but I could not live with myself in this situation and I couldn't live with a man who wouldn't put his son and his needs first.

Original poster
killthedj · 30/03/2018 16:58

year his kids know I exist... but not by him obviously... His ex told them and ever since then his DS hasn’t wanted to see him.

We both separated about a year ago. My divorce will be finalised in the following weeks. We met through work and live locally (thus why the DC go to the same school). As far as I understand he had a crush on me for a few years (ever since I moved to the area, it’s a small village and he regularly saw me at school run although I had no clue he existed) and his ex suspected it (thus the hate as she sees me as the reason they separated). However, we only met after he actually separated and had moved out, so it’s really a coincidence of sorts. We met in late August and started dating in late October.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 30/03/2018 17:26

Er, witches don't exist..that's what I meant

stitchglitched · 30/03/2018 17:30

How do you know everything that has been said and how his son feels if you have never met him?

JennyHolzersGhost · 30/03/2018 17:37

That is a very short timescale for children to get used to a family break up and then introduce a new man into their lives. I would say given you haven’t been separated long that you should give them more time before raising the prospect of you being with someone else. And I think that bringing him to a family wedding 18 months after you first separated is very quick.

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