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Original poster

When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

163 replies

killthedj · 30/03/2018 06:43

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 11:17

I just had a quick chat with her. She says she’d like to go out for a meal or watch a film together at home. She’s very used to having adults at home and her dad always has friends around who she regularly spends time with. She says she’d like exactly the same for me.

advice I never mentioned moving in right this second but probably towards the end of the year / early next year.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 01/04/2018 11:27

You choose to ignore the event as perceived by the "village" in favour of what your bf of 5 months has told you.

He has a strong interest in reinforcing his version.His niceness is because he burnt bridges and you are what he will cling to.That will change once you have commited to him...if he did it to his wife of many years he WILL do it to you.

Until you have met charming, gentle but highly manipulative people its truly challenging to believe they exist.

People here are not being cynical because they want to ruin your happiness, they are just wary as have more life experience and also because your romantic story doesn't ring true.
He basically left his wife badly, causing a lot of trauma and hurt, he has dragged you into it but you are a willing participant.Your daughter has no choice.

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 11:29

But you've talked about having children with this man. While his son's having panic attacks. It's honestly not a love story.

stitchglitched · 01/04/2018 11:32

With respect your child shouldn't even be on his radar at the moment. He should be concentrating on the wellbeing of his own kids. And I do think you are that other poster, same selective replies focusing on your great romance to the detriment of all the children involved.

LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 11:40

Stitch which list is that? Have you got the link?

Sirzy · 01/04/2018 11:41

Why the rush?

To be honest I would be running a mile from any man who was trying to put a relationship with another woman above the well being of his own child. That in itself would be a massive red flag for me.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 11:49

lifebegins the village also thinks my exh is an honourable man when he basically abused me physically and emotionally and not only that... he kept the house! Our friends took sides as both stories are so different from each other.

liney The panic attacks have not been proven so to speak and they were caused by seeing me one instant, I somehow find that hard to
believe.

stitch I actually know who you mean. And yes there are similarities but I do care about my DDs wellbeing. Plus she doesn’t have to pay for my mistakes

OP posts:
Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 11:53

Sirzy is not the wellbeing of his DS, he was being manipulated by his ex. Their divorce sans their initial hiccup was for the most part smooth until she realised I was the gf. I truly can understand why and I can see why she thought what she thought but she should never have dragged the kids into this.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 01/04/2018 11:58

Of course it’s the well-being of the ds. For whatever reason the relationship with his young son has broken down THAT needs to be his priority above anything else

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 12:36

Why is it whenever I repeat the OP's words back to her, there's suddenly a problem with them ... I'm beginning to think this is all a bit self-indulgent.

LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 12:38

Line because she's not interested in anything any of us are saying unless it justifies her actions. Give it a few months and she'll be back saying how it's all going or gone tits up.

Hispterwannabe · 01/04/2018 12:45

Hmm you’re getting a bit of a beating on here OP. From personal experience as a child from a broken home don’t rush too soon as it really could impact your child as it did me. People are judging you because of the damage it can cause.

You actually sound like a woman I know who rushed into introducing her DP and it went spectacularly wrong and damaged her children (and then she went back for more) and trust me she was judged by everyone and lost good friends and family as a result.

Try and balance the two but don’t rush into anything.

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 12:45

I think it's a bit weird how the boyfriend apparently keeps reporting all the dramas involving his Ex and his son to the OP. Why would a bloke do that? To make her feel insecure? Grateful? Lucky?

Hispterwannabe · 01/04/2018 12:51

@lineys this sounds all too familiar. I knew someone with similar circumstances to the OP - dating for around 5 months, thought her new DP was the love of her life, branded his ex as an axe wielding psycho and after tiring of her he upped and left her (bags in the doorstep job) and went back to the ex and tormented this woman who had a load of kids leaving her a desperate mental wreck.

Hissy · 01/04/2018 12:54

This is a fucking mess! It’s ridiculous!

You don’t know this guy, his kids hate you and it’s all his exes fault.

It’s a Jeremy Kyle show in the planning.

By all means spend the birthday together (although tbf, that’s too “big” a situation to be the ideal first meeting, far better for something far lower key somewhere neutral

Then get your dd used to him little by little.

Then arrange to meet somewhere neutral with him and his kids briefly and spend an hour all together before heading off

Under no circumstances should you even consider anyone moving in to anywhere for now. He shouldn’t be moving in with you and your daughter for a long while yet.

Oneapenny · 01/04/2018 13:16

I thought I recognised you as another poster in a similar situation to yours. Similar writing style too.

Mari50 · 01/04/2018 14:45

Personally I think when you have children, new relationships should have an entirely different momentum.
I know people go on incessantly about how resilient kids are but I’m not entirely convinced they are. I think they are more resigned to the fact they have little or no control over their situation. A relationship of 5 months is nowt. And to be talking about moving in when there are children to consider is utter madness (had you no dependents it would matter not a jot)
You both need to grow up and start thinking of your children instead of your own selfish needs. And all this pish about having a crush on you since you moved to ‘the village’ Jesus, get over yourselves....

LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 14:52

Mari50 I totally agree about kids NOT being resilient. It's just what people say to justify their actions s or to ensure parents don't feel guilty. My parents moved me away from home when I was 6 and my teachers told my mum how resilient children were and that I'd be fine. I was not fine. I was desperately homesick and clinically depressed from age 7. It took me about 30 years to forgive my parents for moving me and all those years of misery. We do kids a disservice by minimising their emotions. They feel things as keenly as us, perhaps even more so as they don't have the ability or experience to deal with those emotions like we do. In terms of the kids in my last relationship my ex insisted they were fine because he couldn't deal with the guilt of his contribution to the marriage break down. In fact he hasn't even admitted to himself his own culpability. And that's why he's single.

mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 18:52

Over a year for me, it needs to be out of the honeymoon phase and in the nitty gritty of it for me to be sure enough it's worth involving my kids and risking their feelings.

StillMissV · 04/04/2018 04:53

My Dad introduced us to my (now) stepmum less than a year after him and my mum split. We were very sensitive to our parents own emotional needs so said we were fine with this etc etc - we were not. They'd been together about 6 months at this point. We met her and her kids about 4-5 times then he asked us about her moving in. Again, we said we would rather she didn't yet because it was too soon for us but if that's what he really wanted we'd roll with it (we were 11, 9 and 6).

I can honestly say, my Dad chose to listen to what he wanted to hear. Not three kids saying "actually Dad we are still getting over the separation, please give us time", no he heard "we are fine with this". She moved in with her two kids a week later. I eventually stopped seeing my dad at age 15 and it totally messed up our relationship. It took until I had my own child at age 29 for the relationship to start healing, and until this year at age 32 for my stepmum and I to have a relationship at all that wasn't based on resentment, misunderstanding and pain.

I often wonder how things would have turned out if Dad has just taken things a bit slower for the sake of his already sad, traumatised kids who just needed some time and space to grieve the loss of their parents marriage and the life they had before.

PEARSON93 · 04/04/2018 05:46

My friend works on introducing her children between 9month- a year min. Her theory is if he's there that long he could be for a while.

Five months is nothing!

LimonViola · 04/04/2018 15:02

"Today 05:46 PEARSON93

My friend works on introducing her children between 9month- a year min. Her theory is if he's there that long he could be for a while."

That implies she does it a lot!

So OP, where is your mind at now compared with when you began the thread asking for advice and opinions? What have you changed your mind about and what's remained the same?

PEARSON93 · 04/04/2018 19:46

@LimonViola she's had 2 long term patterns that she's introduced to them. She dated people, but never introduced them as they never reached those milestones.

I actually have a lot of respect for her for that. Her children our now a lot older so it doesn't matter as much.

It was something she did as well as their father on the other side of it all.

Letting a relationship develop over a long period of time is a good thing in this situation.

Original poster
killthedj · 06/04/2018 08:03

Well my DD is very ok with his existence. of course for now he’s just a friend... He left his violin at my place as we both like to play together (I play the cello) and my DD did question why there was a violin that wasn’t there before and I explained it was from that friend she met last week as we like to play together. She seemed happy with that reply He’s starting mediation next week which I’m glad as his DS currently “hates him” and only breaking up with me will fix things.

My dear boyfriend still thinks we can all coexist, he says he’s not choosing me over them, simply that his DC will always be his DC but I will not always be there. He even half-jokingly asked me to marry him a couple of days ago.

So the way I see it there are two separate issues me introducing him to my DD which is going well and I expect to have a more meaningful introduction maybe in a month or so from now, of course just as my friend. She likes to spend time with grown up, so it doesn’t surprise she wants to spend time with him.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 06/04/2018 08:15

I agree with 2-3 years. I really believe you don't really know a partner until you've been with them for at least this amount of time.