When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

[killthedj]

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

I see year silly me! Well I know all of this because a couple of weeks ago I bumped into him (small village so completely normal!) but the ex made a big deal of it... that I did it on purpose and that I was “evil”. I saw all the messages between my boyfriend and his ex as he showed me how ridiculous the whole situation is. She genuinely believes he’s “under my spell”. Which a) is ridiculous as witches don’t exist and b) I’m part of the board of deputies of my religious congregation.... So I’m actually I’m a woman “of God”.

Sounds like she thinks you were the OW if they only recently broke up and he had a crush on you whilst still with her. It seems like it has the potential to be a bit shitty and awkward for the kids if you all live in the same small village.

I think there’s a different spin on the issues the son has if he ‘had a crush on you’ whilst still with his wife. If she beielves you ‘tirned his head’ I can empathise if she is feeling disgruntled. That doesn’t excuse what she may have said to the kids but it does make the whole thing much more complicated.

Personally I think never; for others I’d say 2-3 years.

yes exactly I think the whole narrative that has been given to his children is that I was either the OW or the reason why their parents separated. I truly empathise with her but I think she should have left the DC outside of this. To his DS he’s been pictured as this big liar and me as the home wrecker although I don’t think either of them are true. As far as I know he tried to separate “peacefully” for many years with no success, it was until one day that the counsellor agreed with him that there was nothing left to fix that they finally separated.

Op, you are in the honeymoon period and don't know the history of his marriage so be careful.I would be suspicious about why his ds is so upset, you may have been OW for a period of time if he didn't have a clean break from his ex.You may have started the relationship honestly but don't assume he did.

If your dd is ok with the separation why not tell her you have a new friend/bf so that that risk is minimised.

Parents who move a partner in are doing so for their benefit which can be financial but requires an enormous readjustment for the children.
My ex was married before and had a dd, her mum moved a man in quickly when she was 12.It was a massive change as she "lost" her mum for a while as mum was focussed on her new relationship.Issues such as sharing bathroom space with a man, she didn't know well.

If you move in before you truly know him, which generally is 2 years, it's a risk...and that risk is passed onto your children.
It's how you feel about exposing that risk/impact to your dc.

Christ you aren't even divorced yet and you're already thinking about moving a stranger into your home with your young daughter.

Why is he showing you messages from his ex? It's too early for you to get involved in his family.

I recon most relationships start to go to shit at about the 2 year mark. So if you’re still happy and in love after 3 then I would think about moving on then. If you’re together for life then that isn’t too long to wait in the scheme of things.

Introducing to DC is fine from whenever you decide it’s a solid and stable relationship. I never introduced my DC to my ex but as soon as I met DP I knew I’d be with him a long time so introduced him to DC after about six weeks. Moving in is a different story though... I would give that at least two years.

I was with my partner for 8 months before he met my children. I initially introduced them to him as “this is my friend Fred” (not his real name) and they really liked him. They were 9 and 5 at the time. Before long I just came out with it that he is my boyfriend and they were perfectly happy. They are happy to be moving in with him even though it won’t be happening for about a year.

Honestly I think you need to separate the 2 things: first you need to introduce him to your DD you need to meet his DC. Spend time together with you all (hopefully he can speak to his own DC about how they’re feeling and repair any damage). There’s no point thinking about moving in together, let alone within the next 9 months, when at least one child hates their parents new partner before they’ve even met them.

Maybe I’ve missed it but what’s the hurry exactly?

When you've got kids involved, you need to wait much longer for large commitments like moving in. If it would be too soon to marry, it's too soon to move in. It really is that big of a deal. When you bring a new partner into a child's life, it's effectively a new family member - that needs to be absolutely solid and sure before you do it, because it does massively hurt and unsettle them if you were to later split up, so you can't really do a trial run.

It's not the same as when you're together with someone before kids.

I'd also advise a few things - spend time with each others' kids - I agree that this needs to be handled extremely sensitively with his and should go very slowly. There's no rush - it needs to work around the responsibilities you already have ie your respective children. When it's working well with the kids then it would be worth spending more time together, going away together, etc - to see how you all get on for more extended periods and then it might be appropriate to think about moving in.

Don't move him in just during the times your DD isn't there. That is effectively creating a double life and if it ends well, you'll be lucky. I think it would be totally weird to live in a house and only find out later that somebody else had been living there when I was away and I don't think that's more acceptable because she is a child. Also be careful if you're in receipt of any benefits or tax credits because having him regularly stay over could cause you to be considered a couple who need to be assessed as a joint claim, or you could be liable to fraud investigations if you continue claiming as a single person.

Exactly Bertie i feel like I’m living a double life.. which seems bizarre considering we’re both single. I know he’ll love my DD he’s was a lot more on board with that side of things than I’ve ever been. Whenever he bumps into her he usually gives me a fully comprehensive report of how she was , what was she doing, if she looked happy or not etc... I do think for him the main priority is to heal the relationship with his DC I have no idea if that will actually happen.

The only real rush about us moving in is that we’d both like to have children of our own at SOME point. That and we like to spend as much time together as we can. Hiding in the closet seems a bit extreme when I could just explain to my DD I have a boyfriend...

His priority should be the relationship with his DC so that is reassuring that he's aware of that.

Of course having more children together would be nice, but at 5 months in this isn't exactly a given, definitely worth discussing of course to clarify you're on the same page, but absolutely not accelerating things in order for that to become possible. Wouldn't you think that was crazy if somebody didn't have children already? You don't know somebody well enough after 5 months to determine whether they would be a good fit to raise children with, that doesn't change because you already have DC, and there would already be a large enough age gap that there's really nothing to lose by giving that particular goal a few years. There is time enough in the future, and the priority needs to be the needs of the DC you each already have before you think about bringing more children into the family set up. It's unfortunate if this is unbalanced and his DC have higher needs than yours but that is something you'll need to accept - if you can't then it might be a question you need to ask yourself as to whether you can really take this on, as he does come as a package with them, that can't be avoided.

Yes it probably is valid to explain to your DD that you have a boyfriend, he shouldn't be hiding in closets - but really he shouldn't be in a scenario where he needs to hide in a closet! And there's a huge gap and scale from telling her that you've started seeing someone to her being happy with him spending a lot of time at your house - that needs to happen more slowly and I think it would be appropriate for her to learn about him from you, then meet him a few times on neutral ground (not at home) before she meets her at your house or he starts spending extended time there such as several-night visits, even if she's not aware of this. A night here or there when she's absent is more appropriate than him moving clothes in and staying over 3 nights of the week. I also find it a bit creepy that he gives you reports about her yet she has no idea who he is! Sorry. The September deadline is okay, I think, for them to be acquainted and have spent some time together before you go to the wedding but I would not be looking to move in together this year. That is far too soon IMO (and IME).

It is lovely to spend time together in a new relationship but I'd really be questioning whether it's not a bit fast to be spending so much time together just yet. What is the harm in taking things slowly and separating things a bit? You do each need time for yourselves as well. The other concern is that a partner being very full on, wanting to spend excessive time together, being overly enthusiastic for the next stage is a red flag for controlling behaviour. As is him claiming that his ex was emotionally abusive. Perhaps she was - but sometimes this can be a deflection tactic and it's just worth being aware of the possibility.

I am not saying that he is definitely controlling, as he might just be vulnerable/naive himself. I'm also not saying you should split up but I think it would be sensible for you to both dial things right down and be a bit more aware, especially in a small village, it's like a petri dish for drama and resentment. This whole we're going to be together for life after 5 months and needing to be in each others' pockets constantly is almost teenage in the way it comes across - sorry if that comes over as patronising, but I can't think of a nicer way to say it.

I think you need to take a step back.

You both only separated about a year ago. You are already 5 months into a relationship so that was quite soon after your break ups. You are still getting to know each other, but you are talking about being together forever, introducing children, moving in together and having more children and having a blended family. Sorry but it sounds like madness. That's without mentioning the 'jealous ex', the son that won't see his father and the fact that your children attend the same school. It sounds like a recipe for disaster for all of you but especially the children who have had to get used to a lot of changes in their life recently.

I think there is probably an awful lot you don't know. You say he tried to leave for years, that doesn't really make sense. You said he never ever thought he would be with his ex forever, do you really believe that, even when they were having a family ? I think he's telling you lots of things he thinks you want to hear.

I think you should just keep seeing each other without the pressure of children. You both have time without your children when they are with their other parent so you have time to keep getting to know each other properly. If you are so sure that this is going to last forever then just take it much slower than you are and I think it has a much better chance of turning out how you would like.

Silly question, but how does the ex come to have photographs of you and your dd to traumatise her children with?

Thank you Bertie and Perfectly for such insightful answers. We both have similar stories as to why we ended up married with children when that's what not really what we wanted. Simple answer unplanned pregnancies. His happened three months into his previous relationship and mine 11 months. We both wanted out by the time this happened but thought of making the best of the situation. So in many ways we were never fully committed to our previous relationships and we bothered checked out many, many years ago. I still don't know how did I last 9 years with my ex... My mum says I had Stockholm syndrome (of course it's an exaggeration!) But you get the idea.
That's why in so many ways falling in love "so soon" doesn't seem that way at all... Our romantic feelings for our exes died years ago if they actually ever existed.
And we are each others dream's come true as ridiculous as that sounds... He's healed me in so many ways. I've never felt so beautiful and sexy (I was bullied for being "ugly") and coming from a man that is objectively good looking and not only that but he's also 100% my type! It's hard to get used to the idea that someone wants to see you as much (if not more!) Than you want to see them.
In our five months together we've been tested more than the average couple I would say.... He has all the issues with his D, he's been pressurised to leave me and that would have been the easiest/simplest way. I've been verbally abused publicly called a "home wrecker" and followed around like I was some sort of celebrity. Facebook abuse (used to be semi public and that's how they got my photos) and a lot of lies from the ex's side. And I know they're lies as I have evidence against them. Trying to get my ex involved and make him believe I was having an affair while I was still with him...
I think most people would just say this is not.for me and break up, but we don't plan to. We just think it makes us stronger. Ultimately I think we've both like to move out of this area. Neither of us are from here , it's just our DC that keep us here. But custodies make this very difficult to achieve.

3 years at minimum, depending on the age of the children. Children who are very young are obviously more adaptable than older children.

All of this talk about "definitely being together forever", and him healing all of your issues, and wanting your own children together, 12 months after you've each split with your partner and after only 5 months of dating is seriously concerning. You should both be putting your children first and I don't see that either of you are doing that.

I was seeing my now DH for years before we told our adult children and another 18 months before we moved in together.
A tad different to your situation and my dsc had lost their mum a few years prior to me arriving on the scene, and my dc were all left home.
But you do seem to be moving along super fast!
For what it’s worth, with you both having younger children to consider, I’d say they need to know their parents new ‘friend’ for at least 12 months before you even start thinking about moving in together.

The children together (and we've only spoken about it briefly) is just for the most part an idea. Neither of us wanted more children (I definitely didn't!) Until we met... The 12 months could have been 36 I don't think to my psyche it would have made any difference. When you're in a marriage where you only stay together because of emotional blackmail and basically need is against your will well... Which I though would leave me more baggage but no I'm actually quite fulfilled now.

I don't know when the right time is exactly to move in. But it's much much longer than 5 months

I would give it more time, you may have checked out from your previous relationship years ago but dc will definitely need more time to adjust to all the changes that they've not had any say in. Why make your life more complicated if everything is going smoothly at the moment.

It’s not going smoothly is it. It sounds a bit of a mess the more op writes.

Please don't get 'accidentally' pregnant just yet OP

What if your daughter doesn't actually like him when she lives with him? What if she doesn't get on with his kids?

Personally I think every situation is unique. Yours sounds very complicated so I think you should wait a lot longer before you do this. The children in this situation havent had time to process the breakdown of their parent's relationships let alone a new partner.

You are in the honeymoon phase so it's easy yo get carried away. If he's the one then what difference does a few years make. Please don't rush into adding more children to the mix. Put the existing ones first and slowly develop the relationship.

My stepson was told about me at about 3 months but I didn't meet him until almost a year. I moved in when we'd been together 20 months, and stepson (who was 9 at the time) was fine with it all. We took it very slowly as we knew his mum had had several new partners in and out of his life and would introduce very quickly, move in quickly and then separate with lots of consequences for him.

5 months is too soon to introduce in my view, and Oct-Dec too early to move in. They need time to get used to being around you as a couple etc before that happens