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Original poster

When is is the right time to.introdice new partner to children and then.move in?

163 replies

killthedj · 30/03/2018 06:43

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past five months. We're 100% sure (or as sure as we can be) that we'll be together for life. We both have children, my DD has no real idea he exists but his do know (thanks to his ex!) Anyways I've spoken to my DD about it and she says I shouldn't spend my birthday on my own (late June) so given it's her own suggestion I think that might be a good idea. Moving in seems a lot trickier as he already spends half the week with me but his son doesn't want anything to do with me (they haven't even met me yet but their mum has told.them.all.sorts of things about me). So what to do? I think eventually we'll end up having to have separate homes one where he lives with me and my DD most of the time and his where he spends time with his kids whenever they're around. Seems like a massive waste of resources but the only one that might work long term.

OP posts:
Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 06:56

Well he accidentally met my DD yesterday. He came to visit ( wanted to talk about his DS) and she came downstairs as she couldn't sleep. I introduced him as a friend and no questions were/ have been asked.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 07:27

I don't think you can put a time scale on it but it sounds like a right mess. Red flags aplenty here. I've just come out of an 11 month relationship. Our kids had been introduced to each other although my older 2 (9 and 11) hadn't spent much time with him or his 2 kids. They used to dread his kids coming over because they were badly behaved and I had to keep making excuses for them not to come. When I told them I'd ended the relationship they were relieved because they couldn't stand his kids. I didn't realise it was that bad for them and they'd only spent about 4 times with them. So, I think if you are serious about the relationship I would introduce everyone (as friends to see how they interact) but moving in sounds foolish with what you've said as I don't think this relationship is going to last. Sorry.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 07:43

Both our DDs have met by chance at the soft play place in a town nearby. From that moment they've said hello to each other whenever they meet... I have witnessed this but he has and my DD has told me about this they even know each others names. I know the dynamics would change as soon as they realise they're potentially step siblings but for now I think that should be a good start.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 08:11

I think that no matter what anyone says on here that you'll just do whatever it is you were going to do anyway. This has car crash written all over it and the more you write the more it's obvious this is all going to blow up and not only will you be hurt but 3 children. Take a step back. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. My dd who is 11 recently told me that she wants her dad to leave his gf of 5 years despite the fact he claims everything is hunkydory and that they all love the gf. There is constant conflict with the step kids over belongings and personal space (7 kids in a3 bed house ffs) and they never get to spend any time alone with their dad. Dd has had enough. She says her dad is a knob and a liar. It's not good at all.

mammmamia · 01/04/2018 08:23

OP - you’re not really listening and just seem to be interested in justifying your own reading of the situation tbh. This thread is winding me up. You need to put your child first. So your DD knows his DD’s name and that’s a ‘good start’. Ok then.

OakIsBetterTho · 01/04/2018 08:35

Why even start this thread?
Do what you want, regardless of your children, sounds like a brilliant plan, well done you.
That's what you wanted to hear isn't it?

LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 08:48

Not that you're listening but I'll also add that his kids age 6 and 8 were apparently completely fine with the situation all round. He and his ex-wife had been split 2.5 years and she had moved in her third partner since the split. The kids "adored" me (his words) and yes they appeared to be happy with me being around. However, their behaviour was appalling. His ds 8 was suspected of having adhd but actually his behaviour was just a reaction to the divorce as assessment was negative. His dd 6 was cheeky, rude and thought her mum and dad were still together even though they lived separately. They were too young to really understand and hadn't processed the split at all and their behaviour said it all. He kept insisting they were fine and had no problems from the divorce but he was just deluding himself. It sounds like your Bf is equally deluded as are you.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 08:56

Not really... All I'm saying is what's done is done. I'm more in a "damage control" situation than anything else. I hate living a double life... At least he doesn't have to hide in a closet anymore. My DD doesnt seem bothered at all that some random man was here late at night with her mum... Something that according to my mum was going to scar her for life. The claims of "I don't want to see you ever again" by his DS deemed to have been grossly exaggerated by his ex. I think overall I can see myself living in separate homes for even years, but most definitely not keep him a secret, although well that process has already started!

OP posts:
LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 09:16

You actually believed an 11 year old boy was traumatised by being told you are a 'witch'? As opposed to being traumatised because his father left? Honestly, if you'll believe that ...

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 09:31

They claimed he had a panic attack because he saw me.. and now they have to get the all clear that I'll definitely won't bump into them because panic attacks again. And all.of this started after we went "public" about dating. Which was like a month ago.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 09:33

"They"? As in your Bf and his e-wife?

LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 09:40

Sorry, OP, and I feel I may need to be a tad blunt here having read the whole unfolding thread, but that's bollocks and you know it.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 09:53

"They" is the ex and her family and friends... My bf and his ex haven't seen each other after we went public as it has been too much to handle from her pov.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 09:54

So has the ex, her family and her friends been in touch with you to say he had a panic attack? How very weird.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 10:03

So in summary...

boyfriend and i have been together for 5 months, we separated early last year and started dating in the autumn. We only went public about this about a month ago. My ex doesn't give a toss but his thinks in a nutshell that I was the OW and has poisoned the children against me. His DS refused to talk to him until yesterday when things changed.

My DD had no idea of his existence until last night just by chance. And she wasn't bothered at all.

My sister is getting married in September in France and I'd love him tomcome with me but by then my DD and BF must at least have some sort of relationship by then.

No real rush to move in together, I've realised that will come naturally. However he does live part time with me. He has a toothbrush here and a set of keys.

Before I met him I was happy with just being single forever. Living with my dog and DD in peace is really all I ever wanted. Never looked for dates or other men and I don't think I would if this one didn't work out, so no string of men for my DD to witness. But he's special and does seem like the answer to all my prayers

OP posts:
averageguy1 · 01/04/2018 10:04

Back to time scales OP it is to soon to be moving in with someone , you don't even really know this person, everything is lovely and i understand the feelings of meeting the one etc BUT you are in the honeymoon stage and it's all clouded by lust. I have a thread running about the abrupt violent end to my relationship and we was like you (except the moving in) for years , we thought we was together for life so in love etc . I now have an upset DD and i am so happy we don't have the complication of moving house ...Just slow it down and see what happens.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 10:05

literary devil no... He's the one to tells me. The "they" is mostly a projection as that's the pronoun he uses the most.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 01/04/2018 10:08

Ah so he's dragging you in to his shit storm and enjoying the reactions all round. You need to end this farce of a relationship. You sound very immature in all this and he's taking advantage of you and your naïveté.

stitchglitched · 01/04/2018 10:09

OP when did he stop living with his wife?

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 10:17

stitch I'd say February last year. It was a known event given the size of the village but never really made the connection until we started dating. The village's version is that one day he just packed his bags and left.. and then she had a breakdown had to take leave which caused a few disruptions in the local gp surgery. I remember those "hiccups" and that was definitely slightly more than a year ago.

OP posts:
LineysInTheSand · 01/04/2018 10:28

one day he just packed his bags and left

Bit of a shitty thing to do to his children. That is why his son's traumatised and his son's mother has struggled.

I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear. You sound so giddy, in a whirl. But you need to take a long cold look at the narrative you're getting from your boyfriend and really think it through. And wait. And watch.

Original poster
killthedj · 01/04/2018 10:43

liney I reckon the narrative is somewhere in between the two. For those months when we hadn’t gone public he used to see his children 2-3 days a week. Christmas was actually quite alright too they spent some time with him and some with his ex. The mess is fairly recent (a month) once it came to light we were together.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 01/04/2018 10:44

Ah okay, it's just that your posts sound very similar to another who regularly posts about her affair and was recently posting about how it had all come out, his ex and kids were distraught, she wanted to move in with him soon, she also had a daughter who she shares 50-50 and they all live nearby too. But obviously not you if your boyfriend left his wife over a year ago. It sounds like a chaotic mess either way and he ought to be focusing on repairing his relationship with his own kids before concerning himself with meeting yours.

Walkaboutwendy · 01/04/2018 10:49

Trauma to kids isn't always instant OP. It's insidious and slowly does damage.

I feel sorry for your daughter coming down stairs to find a strange man in her house at night. Sad Her home is her safe space as well. But hey she's all fine with it right Hmm

Fwiw my mum was exactly like you and I wasn't much older than your daughter now. In her mind she was skipping through the fields with her new love and we were going to be a happy family. It didn't turn out that way at all. If she had gone slowly and considered the feelings of all the kids involved rather than what she wanted to hear things might have been different.

I think your mum has her head screwed on more the you do.

Are you feeling insecure in this relationship because the way you are going on it does sound like it. If it's meant to be as you say then what's the rush? Seriously other than your own wants what is the rush?

Following your heart isn't always best you know. Sometimes the head is better to listen to.

Adviceplease360 · 01/04/2018 10:59

The absolute crap people will convince themselves of to justify their selfish decisions is mind boggling.
You are both atrocious parents for even considering moving in five months after meeting.
Your poor children being lumbered with deluded self centred parents who only care about their 'soul mates' or whatever crap you call yourselves.
I won't bother replying to the endless self serving rubbish I'll get now and you don't really care what anyone says unless their agreeing with you anyway.