OH Begging me not to leave

[Satnam11]

Okay I'm going to lay this out so I can get an honest opinion off you guys. I'm ready for leaving but he's begging me not to go (he has no where to go, no family/friends).

We got together 2 years ago, he left his job and moved across the country to be with me. To start a fresh as he called it. He moved in on the 4th month of knowing each other (yep, I know, bad OP). Back then I was in a terrible confused place. Just finished with my fiance of 5 years, he was living a double life with another women (ex). I was single for about 2 months (this seems to be a recurring pattern in my life) before meeting current DP.

okay so he moves in all goes well for the first 3 month until the EA starts, then the physical violence began. 3 occasions he attacked me until on the last one I suffered a concussion and I said "get the fuck out of my house". He begged and pleaded and cried and said he would change. He did. The EA and violence stopped over night. Just like that 😐.

Over the time of the EA stopping he got a secure job and settled into it. During our time of living together I've noticed when he becomes angry/hurt he shuts down and becomes very defensive, even with the smallest argument's. He belittles, manipulates and mocks. So I've come to realise the EA didn't stop altogether. This has pushed me away. I've recently become quite involved with a new interest and he's taken it as a threat in some way.

Over the past month it's come into my awareness that I haven't been happy at all, I've just suppressed feelings for an easy life. I can forgive him for what he's done to me in the past but I don't FULLY trust him if I'm honest (with regards to the violence).

We both know he has a lot of inner work to be done, he suffers with childhood PTSD which has completely and utterly effected who he is and he's only come to realise this whilst being with me.

I'm the type of person who loves very much, I can argue, like everybody but I never ever get personal or abusive. I'm a very kind and gentle being and I feel we are quite the opposite. He likes to attack as a way of defensiveness and I do not. Even when we have my niece I feel I'm walking in eggshells because when she becomes loud he can't handle the noise level and I see him go into some kind of irritable sulk.

Okay so you have the jist of what's happened. I'll take you to present.

I currently feel emotionally unavailable to this man at the moment, any type of affection is making me feel uncomfortable. I'm not feeling the loving feelings within. I do to a degree but they could possibly just be pitty because I see I'm breaking his heart.

He knows how I feel and for his own sake he's given me until this Friday to make my mind up. I do feel very withdrawn but on the other hand I have conflicting feelings that I'm going to be possibly making a mistake 😖.

He has PROMISED and swore he will work on himself, he said "Do you think I like the person I am?". This morning he has said he's having suicidal thoughts because of what is going on, if that's true and he is I'm sorry but because of the person he currently is I can't help feel that, that again is another form of manipulation. He also said "I dumped my whole life for us!" True but the way he is is not my problem, his behaviours are his to keep, not mine.
He said "I'm being cruel" again, I'm sorry if I am but this I feel is the result of me being pushed. He does love me very much that's also plain to see.

So right now I'm confused, two conflicting feelings in my heart, on one hand I want to finish this and start the new beginning of life (late but oh well (27)) and on the other hand I'm dreading making the biggest mistake of my life. I've literally sat and prayed for an answer (to who/what I don't know).

Apologies for this long post. I've been crying for 2 weeks straight because I can see this is hurting him and me also.

Your gut instinct is right - you need to tell him to leave. He can work on himself , get therapy etc without the distraction of your relationship.

And you can do the same. You are not feeling loving feelings because you don’t love or trust him and you never will. You know deep down that he’s not good for you.

What is your housing situation ? Do you rent or own and whose name is it in ? If it’s yours then you need to tell him to leave . Do you have family or friends who could be with you when you tell him this, in case he gets abusive or violent again ?

You say he has a secure job so he will have no problem finding somewhere to stay, there are lots of B and Bs until he finds somewhere here to buy or rent. He works so he must have colleagues and friends tool . His housing issues are not your problem to be honest. You have enough to do to sort yourself out.

Once he’s out, I suggest you get some counselling to help you make sense of all this. The Freedom Programme run by women’s aid is very good too.

Wow he’s turned it round on you to make you the bad guy.
He sounds like he has lots of excuses but the bottom line is he is abusive
Get out

Re-read your post right now!
What would you say to a friend who told you all of this?
You absolutely know what to do.
Get him gone.
He is an abuser and that will NEVER EVER change.
He's now using manipulation (suicide threat) as a way to get you back in line.
You must have learned some awful lessons growing up about relationships.
Please speak to Womens Aid as a matter or urgency.
Get some specialist counselling.
Do their Freedom Programme.
Rid yourself of men indefinitely and work on yourself.
Your self esteem. You low self worth.

The fact 'you can forgive him for what he's done to me' says a lot about you. Most women would not put up with one bout of violence, let-a-lone 3!!! And then allow them back after then 3rd episode!
You are a doormat. A walkover (meant in the nicest possible way).
People will take advantage of that until you learn to assert yourself.
You must learn about boundaries and don't let anyone overstep them.
He's trounced them, time and time again and you have let him!

I'm not victim blaming here. This all him. You've put up with this for your own reasons and only you know what they are.
But it's time to stop putting up with shitty men.
You do NOT need a man.
You do need to learn to love yourself and understand that you deserve only the best.

Stop delaying. Get him gone!

Leave. I don't think this is healthy for both of you.

So he beats you, belittles you and EA you. And yet YOU are the horrible one.

Oh poor baby. A woman won’t take his abuse and stands up for herself and he is now a victim!

Tell him not to worry about Friday, he can leave now.

He has said a lot of things... but his actions have stood you all you need to know. He has not made an appointment with a councillor to get help for his abuse, he has not given you the space you asked for.

Instead he threatens suicide and makes it your fault.

You gut is right.

Please get rid of him, he is doing this to make you feel bad about yourself and eventually you'll cave and put his needs before yours. This won't change.

My STBEx H was the same, we even went to couples counselling (despite there being violence and EA), even there he was EA, would tell me he was suicidal etc. Seemed quite happy when I reacted to that and begged him not to do it - as if he got the reaction he wanted from me.

You have to get away from him - there will be no talking to him, don't listen to his reasons/excuses. My ex also does the attack is the best form of defence and would twist anything I said to make me think I was wrong and for a long time it worked. You have to go grey rock.

It will NOT be a mistake to end things with him. You deserve so much more.

Yes emotionally and physically abusive. Ando leave him. None of this is your fault.

Tell him the Friday deadline has been cancelled
and he needs to move out today.
This ogre knocked you unconscious, he shouldn't be within
a mile of you ever again.

Op

I understand that this man has had a hard life. I do always realise that when I read about the abuse on here that they have a story too.

But really he is dysfunctional, you cannot fix him it change him. There are things I don’t like about myself and I work hard to change them. But it’s very hard to change your inner person. Even with determination.

This man has beat you and verbally abused you. You walk on egg shells around him.

Don’t stay with him, if you do you will be a shell of your former self and any children you have will be subject to domestic abuse, and also, like him, grow up dysfunctional.

You seem quite sensible, it is his nagging that is making you question your judgement. Don’t do it, he is not a rational person and that means what his words are doing to you are also not rational.

You must keep yourself safe.

When Friday comes, make sure a friend or family member is with you whilst he leaves.

If he works I’m sure he can rent a room somewhere.

He will never change. Don’t change your mind. Of course he has good points but he still has an abusive character and always will.

Don’t fall for his act. He’s manipulating and abusing you even when trying to win you back, doesn’t that tell you something? He won’t ever change!! Stop trying to fix him and get counselling for yourself once your single.

You are so young and at the peak of your life. Honestly, 27 is a perfect age.

Why would you settle? You are not a therapist and no way should you be with someone who was violent and EA.You can't love someone better, they have to fix themselves.

You are obviously an empathic person who is easily triggered/guilted to help others but you need to learn for your own sake that it's not your role.Your health will deteriorate if you stay with him (and I speak from experience).

Be strong and get him out of your life.If you were my daughter I would be desparate for you to do this.

Why the F would you want to be with someone who physically attacks you?

GET OUT NOW.

You're only 27. Stop being pathetic and leave this abusive man. Suggest you stay single for a bit longer than 2 months and work on yourself.

Any reason you'd even consider staying with this dangerous arsehole?
He concussed you, he should be locked up not in your bed.

He will not change

You are still young and you do not owe him anything - do not think that you do and leave

And some further advice - take time being single

Change the locks. Do not let him back in. You deserve to be happy. What he wants no longer figure now that he's treated you in this way.

Just in the vets ladies.
Didn't expect such high responses. Will respond shortly.
Thank you so much ♥️

He doesn't have to agree with your decision or approve of it. You get to decide. Even if he was the most thoughful person alive you get to decide what you want. But in this situation you need to get rid for your own safety. Please be careful when he is going as he could become violent when he sees you mean it. It would be good to have someone there.
The whole suicide thing is part of the script those guys use to get their own way. Don't fall for it just say..lm sorry you feel that way and then continue with your plan. He is responsible for his own life. You are responsible for yours so take steps for your safety today. And don't rush into another relationship until you get yourself in a good place.
Mind yourself.

Even him telling you to decide on Friday is him taking control from you - you've told him, he is not listening but making it about him. You are allowed to change your mind. Even if he wasn't physically, emotionally and mentally abusive the spark could have gone and you have the right to say it's no longer working, bye.

And come friday what happens if you say the wrong decision from his point of view - will he give you another week to make your decision? Will he leave nicely? Will he say it's a bank holiday so he can't go yet? Will he hit you because you have upset him? Or worse?

Your life is miserable now. He is not going to change and become wonderful, you are always going to be on edge and worried. Tell him that you know your mind, you are not going to change it and he needs to go.

Then look forward to the rest of your life. He has a secure job, he will be fine. But if you stay with him - you won't be. You don't want to realise in 20 years time that you have stayed with him - feeling you have wasted your life and having had a miserable time.

He has to go. This will never work.

The only mistake you'd be making is staying with this horrible nasty git; he has battered you, he belittles you and you feel bad, Jesus Christ woman wake up, the man is an arsehole, a nasty bully that preys on nice women; he's playing the nice card now cos he sees he might lose his verbal and physical punch bag; do you not value yourself over this idiot, because you honestly should. Two years, you should be in the honeymoon period, not walking on eggshells and feeling glad he's not hit you again!

You should leave him if he really wanted to change he would of got help the first time he hurt you and as he hasn't that should tell you everything you need to know he's not willing to change his ways but wants you to deal with it . And think of the future with him could you honestly have children with a man like this answer is no as he couldn't handle your niece being loud . The abuse would happen with children as well. That's if your wanting children in the future if you do this man won't be a very good role model to them .
You need to think of yourself and be happy again men like him will say they want to end there life because it's a another way of controlling you and your mind and feelings ignore him you seem like a really nice lady who deserves a loving and caring men . Doesn't matter he move away to be with you he shouldn't treat you like dirty on your shoe . Best way to make your mind up just think what if a friend family member or if you had daughter said this to you would you want them staying in the relationship . I hope you make the right decision in end it will be hard at first if you leave but staying with him will be even harder

There's no future in this relationship. Hard as it may be for you, I think you need to leave him. You sound lovely and you're only 27 years old - you have your whole future in front of you. Please listen to what others have said on here and disengage yourself from this man. You deserve so much better and I'm sure in future will find a loving and caring partner

Thank you to every single one of you who has commented.
I'm very grateful for every single one.
He is on the waiting list for EMDR with regards to his PTSD, has been for a while.
The reason I'm not frightened or cautious he may physically assault me again is because I genuinely believe he won't, bare in mind I'm not saying this out of defense, please be assured that isn't the case in this instance, just saying how I feel. The last time he assaulted me was over a year ago.

Why do I feel I'm missing something? I don't see him as the type that 'prays' on women, I need to wake up.

Just to add I forgave him for my own reasons, not his. Holding onto things only effects me, not them.
I agree I need to seek counseling after this and also undergo the freedom programme.

I had a lovely upbringing, both parents married, madly in love, still are. This is all on me from my low self-esteem and worth.

The things that are stopping me from leaving him, as usual are pitty, I feel sorry for him AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! I can't shake it! He's had a hard life I'm not going to lie, full of pain, death and abuse and I feel if I leave I'll add another layer of hurt onto his already shattered heart.

Feelings piss me off sometimes 😄

Thanks again everyone, love you all ♥️

You PITY someone that beat you up - not just once!!!???
Wow!
Please do the Freedom Programme ASAP.
Can you tell your parents about all of this?
It will make it more real for you and then you won't be able to just bury your head in the sand.
You are a rescuer.
But you cannot save this one.
He needs profession help. A lot of it!!!
Do not let him drag you down any further.
And you need to be as far away from him as you can be.

OMG, what a frightening thing to read. He's physically abusive, but you believe he won't do it again? If you were my daughter I'd be sick with worry for you. 2 women a week are murdered by a partner or ex partner.

Watch 'Murdered By My Boyfriend'.

Get a clue!

He will NEVER change. This will be your life. This is one of my worst nightmares as a parent, that my child becomes involved in a relationship like this.