Okay I'm going to lay this out so I can get an honest opinion off you guys. I'm ready for leaving but he's begging me not to go (he has no where to go, no family/friends).
We got together 2 years ago, he left his job and moved across the country to be with me. To start a fresh as he called it. He moved in on the 4th month of knowing each other (yep, I know, bad OP). Back then I was in a terrible confused place. Just finished with my fiance of 5 years, he was living a double life with another women (ex). I was single for about 2 months (this seems to be a recurring pattern in my life) before meeting current DP.
okay so he moves in all goes well for the first 3 month until the EA starts, then the physical violence began. 3 occasions he attacked me until on the last one I suffered a concussion and I said "get the fuck out of my house". He begged and pleaded and cried and said he would change. He did. The EA and violence stopped over night. Just like that 😐.
Over the time of the EA stopping he got a secure job and settled into it. During our time of living together I've noticed when he becomes angry/hurt he shuts down and becomes very defensive, even with the smallest argument's. He belittles, manipulates and mocks. So I've come to realise the EA didn't stop altogether. This has pushed me away. I've recently become quite involved with a new interest and he's taken it as a threat in some way.
Over the past month it's come into my awareness that I haven't been happy at all, I've just suppressed feelings for an easy life. I can forgive him for what he's done to me in the past but I don't FULLY trust him if I'm honest (with regards to the violence).
We both know he has a lot of inner work to be done, he suffers with childhood PTSD which has completely and utterly effected who he is and he's only come to realise this whilst being with me.
I'm the type of person who loves very much, I can argue, like everybody but I never ever get personal or abusive. I'm a very kind and gentle being and I feel we are quite the opposite. He likes to attack as a way of defensiveness and I do not. Even when we have my niece I feel I'm walking in eggshells because when she becomes loud he can't handle the noise level and I see him go into some kind of irritable sulk.
Okay so you have the jist of what's happened. I'll take you to present.
I currently feel emotionally unavailable to this man at the moment, any type of affection is making me feel uncomfortable. I'm not feeling the loving feelings within. I do to a degree but they could possibly just be pitty because I see I'm breaking his heart.
He knows how I feel and for his own sake he's given me until this Friday to make my mind up. I do feel very withdrawn but on the other hand I have conflicting feelings that I'm going to be possibly making a mistake 😖.
He has PROMISED and swore he will work on himself, he said "Do you think I like the person I am?". This morning he has said he's having suicidal thoughts because of what is going on, if that's true and he is I'm sorry but because of the person he currently is I can't help feel that, that again is another form of manipulation. He also said "I dumped my whole life for us!" True but the way he is is not my problem, his behaviours are his to keep, not mine.
He said "I'm being cruel" again, I'm sorry if I am but this I feel is the result of me being pushed. He does love me very much that's also plain to see.
So right now I'm confused, two conflicting feelings in my heart, on one hand I want to finish this and start the new beginning of life (late but oh well (27)) and on the other hand I'm dreading making the biggest mistake of my life. I've literally sat and prayed for an answer (to who/what I don't know).
Apologies for this long post. I've been crying for 2 weeks straight because I can see this is hurting him and me also.