OH Begging me not to leave

[Satnam11]

Okay I'm going to lay this out so I can get an honest opinion off you guys. I'm ready for leaving but he's begging me not to go (he has no where to go, no family/friends).

We got together 2 years ago, he left his job and moved across the country to be with me. To start a fresh as he called it. He moved in on the 4th month of knowing each other (yep, I know, bad OP). Back then I was in a terrible confused place. Just finished with my fiance of 5 years, he was living a double life with another women (ex). I was single for about 2 months (this seems to be a recurring pattern in my life) before meeting current DP.

okay so he moves in all goes well for the first 3 month until the EA starts, then the physical violence began. 3 occasions he attacked me until on the last one I suffered a concussion and I said "get the fuck out of my house". He begged and pleaded and cried and said he would change. He did. The EA and violence stopped over night. Just like that 😐.

Over the time of the EA stopping he got a secure job and settled into it. During our time of living together I've noticed when he becomes angry/hurt he shuts down and becomes very defensive, even with the smallest argument's. He belittles, manipulates and mocks. So I've come to realise the EA didn't stop altogether. This has pushed me away. I've recently become quite involved with a new interest and he's taken it as a threat in some way.

Over the past month it's come into my awareness that I haven't been happy at all, I've just suppressed feelings for an easy life. I can forgive him for what he's done to me in the past but I don't FULLY trust him if I'm honest (with regards to the violence).

We both know he has a lot of inner work to be done, he suffers with childhood PTSD which has completely and utterly effected who he is and he's only come to realise this whilst being with me.

I'm the type of person who loves very much, I can argue, like everybody but I never ever get personal or abusive. I'm a very kind and gentle being and I feel we are quite the opposite. He likes to attack as a way of defensiveness and I do not. Even when we have my niece I feel I'm walking in eggshells because when she becomes loud he can't handle the noise level and I see him go into some kind of irritable sulk.

Okay so you have the jist of what's happened. I'll take you to present.

I currently feel emotionally unavailable to this man at the moment, any type of affection is making me feel uncomfortable. I'm not feeling the loving feelings within. I do to a degree but they could possibly just be pitty because I see I'm breaking his heart.

He knows how I feel and for his own sake he's given me until this Friday to make my mind up. I do feel very withdrawn but on the other hand I have conflicting feelings that I'm going to be possibly making a mistake 😖.

He has PROMISED and swore he will work on himself, he said "Do you think I like the person I am?". This morning he has said he's having suicidal thoughts because of what is going on, if that's true and he is I'm sorry but because of the person he currently is I can't help feel that, that again is another form of manipulation. He also said "I dumped my whole life for us!" True but the way he is is not my problem, his behaviours are his to keep, not mine.
He said "I'm being cruel" again, I'm sorry if I am but this I feel is the result of me being pushed. He does love me very much that's also plain to see.

So right now I'm confused, two conflicting feelings in my heart, on one hand I want to finish this and start the new beginning of life (late but oh well (27)) and on the other hand I'm dreading making the biggest mistake of my life. I've literally sat and prayed for an answer (to who/what I don't know).

Apologies for this long post. I've been crying for 2 weeks straight because I can see this is hurting him and me also.

You're scared you'll break his heart, I'm scared he'll break your neck.

You know in the past when you didn't ever think you'd put up with a violent man? Didn't understand why victims of domestic violence stay? Because I know you have read or heard the stories and thought 'not me'

That's you my love.

Just tell him to go. It is not your problem if he has 'literally' nowhere to go.

He can stay in a Premier Inn til he finds somewhere. And you are kidding yourself pretending that it will 'break his heart'.

He doesn't have one. And he doesn't love you.

*seventh
I don't know. Honestly. Right now the reasons I can't throw him out is because A) he has literally nowhere to go B) it will break his heart C) I go into panic mode of the thought of being alone D) I also have a fear that I won't find anyone as faithful in the future *

A. He's a grown man. Don't patronise and baby him

B. He's a grown man. Don't patronise and baby him.

C. Trust me (please) it's bloody marvellous. -- truly.

D. Treat yourself with the respect you deserve and look for much much more than 'faithful'

Ladies, thank you for your replies.

Tonight he's gone out drinking and I'm sat in my house shaking (on the inside).

I'M ASSUMING here he may come back drunk. He's been able to keep a lid on his drinking for a long time but because we are splitting up I'm a little fearful he may let himself go with regards to the alcohol. He drank too much before I met him. If I lock him out I don't know what he may be capable of. How do I calm myself down? Remember this is just assumptions, but he doesn't have work tomorrow (another reason to drink heavily). I may be wrong he may turn up right this very minute tipsy/drunk and be fine.

Did you feel panic when he attacked you?
Did waking up from concussion caused by his hands break your heart?
He lived somewhere before you
You are not responsible for a grown abusive man

Your feelings matter time to start putting them first.
You can no longer trust him
You are pulling away from him
Start listening to yourself not the pity party he's filled your head with
Being alone and safe is better than being unconscious and fearing next attack.
It may not be this month or next it may only be when other forms of abuse aren't currently working.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Gather all your documents, any cash cards and clothing.

Call these and run

If that wankbadger isn't Home soon I'd lock the doors to keep him out. If he comes back drunk, shouting and being in any way aggressive you have to phone the Police, you MUST keep yourself safe. If he gets drunk and aggressive you may end up with worth than a concussion. Please keep him out.

this Thread has frightened me.... please OP.. see your relationship for what it is.... and get this emotional calculating manipulative abusing scum bag out of your beautiful kind selfless world... he knows he's onto a good thing with you Lady... get him out asap

Message him and tell him not to come home. Double lock the doors and call the police if he gets abusive.

WTF? Why is he still in your house? Text him and tell him to stay with a mate tonight. Lock your doors. Double lock them. Call 101 and say you may need their help later.

You have been given so much good advice here... and yet you seem to be ignoring it.

Oh op, my blood ran cold with fear reading your post, nothing mattered beyond , ' he has attacked me before'

Whilst you sound like a lovely person....WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?

It is NEVER acceptable for any man, for ANY reason to hit you, not even once.

I am totally bemused as to why you are even listening to anything he has to say, let alone feeling sorry for him!

I would have kicked him out immediately the first time, and never spoken to him again.

I think you need to be very scared of him, l don't want to upset you but he is dangerous however well he manages to talk you around.

Can you go somewhere else tonight so you are not there if he comes home and is aggressive?

I get the pity thing. People who are abusers probably had a shit childhood to end up like that in the first place.

But it’s not your responsibility and you can’t rescue him. Listen to the voice telling you to look after yourself.

You are so right, OP your future self will thank you.

He gave you a concussion last time. He could have killed you. Next time, he just might. What's your living situation like? Because if you were my daughter, I'd cross mountains to get you, pack up a bag and get you out of there. You're worried about not finding someone as faithful? I'm worried about the future you may never have when this man assaults you again.

Watch 'Murdered By My Boyfriend' on YouTube.

He has NO intention of leaving.

Is there anywhere you can go to be safe now?

PLEASE call someone, even the police. NOW.

When i was your age I spent many nights shaking with fear because my abusive exh was out drinking.
What would he do when he came home? To me? To my home? When would he come home?
I would be in a state of increasing terror for hours. I've slept in a shed to escape his drunken attacks.

Please, please follow the advice of a pp, get together your important papers and a few essentials and leave. Now! .
You are not safe, you know it and that's why you are shaking. Go to family, a friend, anywhere safe.
Don't stay with the doors locked and hope he doesn't kick off when he can't get in. Don't put yourself through that and also put yourself in danger.
Then get help from the police to get safe and keep safe.

Don't minimise this. Your compassion for him is putting you in danger. He doesn't care about you, he cares about himself. You need to care about yourself. Please.

I'm not ignoring it. I have been ignoring the behaviour all year, now I'm not. Reading them all brings me closer to the truth.

I have 999 on standby. I have a very sick dog that requires to be kept at home so it's not even like I can go to mum's.

Trust me we are over.

'I have a very sick dog that requires to be kept at home so it's not even like I can go to mum's. '

Of course you can! You are still minimising. This is absolutely chilling.

If you're serious I'd call the non emergency police for advice and tell them what might happen later and tell them of the past attacks.

Please get out op, go to a friend or a family members house. Reading this thread has made me feel so concerned for you. If he attacks you tonight he will excuse his behaviour by blaming it on the drink. He is a violent man who is very capable of severely hurting you. Please take this potential threat to your safety seriously. You don't always have to be nice, it's OK to look after yourself. Call 101 to log things with them if you can. He won't leave easily, it's best to protect yourself tonight and focus on getting him out another time. If he battered one of your friends to the point of them getting a concussion would you be defending him as you are now? You need to start working on improving your self worth because you sound like a wonderfully kind person. Please keep updating this thread

Okay okay I'm going! I'm going I'm going.